Dream of: 30 October 1995 "Tricked"

I was standing at an operating table, watching some doctors perform an operation on someone stretched out on the table. As the operation continued, the doctors and I were no longer standing, but sitting, and they were no longer performing an operation; instead they all had copies of the script of a play in their hands and were going over the script.

As we all read over the play, I could visualize some scenes so vividly, they actually seemed to be taking place. I also realized I was going to be an actor in the play. Not only could I see myself playing the part, but I felt as if I were actually there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was also in the play, which now seemed more like a movie. He and I were enemies in the movie, and we engaged in several prolonged battle scenes. I thought I would be the one to come out victorious at the end of the movie, and in one final scene, Arnold was shown lying on his back and being carried over the heads of a crowd of people dressed like barbarians. When he reached me, I was shocked to see him rise up and prepare for one last battle against me. At the same time, something else became clear to me: I wasn't going to be shown as the final victor in this movie. Nor was Arnold. The movie would end ambiguously, and it would be left to the audience, like a jury, to determine who had won – Arnold or I.

Focusing again on the script in my hand, I began to become aware the play was actually going to take place today. The thought shook me because I hadn't memorized all my lines and I didn't feel prepared to go in front of a live audience. We had never even rehearsed the play. I didn't know how I could be expected to do well in a play which I hadn't even rehearsed. The others indicated that I had a small speaking role, that most of my scenes involved action and fighting, and that I therefore wouldn't need to rehearse.

I also learned something else: Arnold Schwarzenegger wouldn't be my enemy in the play, but my former junior high school classmate Shaw. (Shaw had been my nemesis in the ninth grade. He and I had actually had a couple fights with each other). I hadn't seen Shaw in years and it seemed strange that he and I would now be in the same play. I just wished I had had time to learn my lines and rehearse. I hated going on stage without being prepared.

I again looked at my lines. Yet another problem became evident. I actually did have quite a few speaking lines, and I saw no way I would be able to learn them. On top of that, I realized I had been tricked into thinking I would be playing the role of a warrior. In fact, I would be playing the role of a young black woman in her early 20s. I had no feel of the character and I didn't know how I was going to transform myself into the role of a black woman. I was feeling more and more nervous about the whole project.

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