Dream of: 12 April 1995 "Changing Colors"

I was in a room with a black-haired girl (probably 14-15 years old). Although I was sexually attracted to the girl, I had decided not to have any sexual contact with her because she was so young. However, realizing she was lying completely naked on the bed, I became so aroused I walked over to her and took my clothes off. She didn't resist as I lay down next to her. I pulled her close to me, and at one point even moved her around so my penis was touching her butt. Finally I inserted my penis in her vagina and I encountered no resistance.

I was only concerned someone might see us; one window in the room was open and I could see a person sitting in a room in the building next door. In the process of having sex, I managed to pull down the shade on the window. Then, still having sex, I picked up the girl and carried her over to the partly open door; I closed and locked the door. Then I noticed another door in the room completely open. To make matters worse, I thought I could hear someone in the hall outside the door, and I became frightened someone might come into the room.

I knew that a portly woman was in charge of the house, and that she operated some kind of institution here; I would be in a lot of trouble if the woman were to walk in now. Nevertheless, I continued having sex with the girl, now so small she appeared to be nothing more than a thin covering over my penis. I put my hand around the covering and moved it up and down, as if I were masturbating.

I was also thinking about Carolina and how young she was. I thought Carolina was about five years younger than I, which would make her about the same age as Louise. But as if a revelation had come to me, I suddenly realized Carolina was actually 20 years younger than I. That seemed incredible. How could I have married someone that much younger than I?

***

I was in another room in the same building, sitting on a bed assigned to me. I had agreed to stay in this place for a while, which I only gradually realized was some kind of mental institution which seemed to be located in West Portsmouth.

While I was staying in the mental institution, I was also supposed to be attending a high school, and it was almost time for me to leave to go to school. I really didn't want to go to school; I particularly disliked high school, especially since I already had a law degree. I simply failed to see the point in my returning to high school.

A man (about 50 years old) had promised to lend me his car so I could drive to school. When it was time for me to leave, I walked into a room where I found the man and a woman who appeared to be the man's wife. Only gradually did I realize the man didn't even have a car. He was also a patient in the mental institute, and the car was just one of his delusions. I was relieved; now I would have a good excuse for not going to school.

Looking around the room, I noticed someone else whom I knew sitting there: my uncle George. I walked over and hugged him, glad to see him. However he hardly responded; he seemed to be lost in his own world.

Disillusioned, I walked out of the room and returned to my bed, where I sat in somewhat of a daze. I was beginning to wonder whether I had made a big mistake by coming to this place. I thought I was beginning to feel like the other people here – lost and confused. However, I wasn't bothered that much; maybe it would even be good for me. I was only bothered by what other people might think about me when I left the institution: everyone would think something was wrong with me. Even if I had only been here for one day, people would think I had a problem.

I recalled my first-cousin Jimmy had once stayed at a mental institute for a while; I didn't think any less of him for that. I also recalled he had done some painting while he had been there; perhaps I could paint something. I imagined making black lines covering a sun and blue sky. I wondered if there was a way to make the yellow of the sun gradually turn into the blue of the sky without any definite color break; to just let the colors gradually change into each other.

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