Dream of: 23 December 1994 "Why Me?"

As I walked around a college which I was attending, I ran into Buckner (probably in his late 20s). He was wearing a sweater identical to one which I was wearing – the black sweater with red and blue geometric designs which my mother had bought for me several years before. I immediately pointed out the fact to him, and felt quite embarrassed by it. I could tell he was also embarrassed and that we mutually didn't want to been seen together wearing the same sweater. However, I did want to talk to him, since I hadn't seen him in such a long time, and I followed him when he walked over to another group of people.

He sat down in a chair in a semi-circle with five or six other people who appeared to be in some kind of study group. Several attractive young women were in the group. I was also wearing a jacket and tried to close it enough so people wouldn't see my sweater. I quickly told Buckner that just that day I had moved back into the house on Seventh Street (a house which resembled the Third Street Apartment) less that a block away from the college, and I would like for him to come and visit me. I was surprised when he showed no enthusiasm. In fact, I had the feeling he didn't even want to be seen in public with me. As I turned and walked away, I wondered if I should have lied and told him I had some good marijuana at the house. I remembered he used to like to smoke pot. But I didn't think that would have been a good idea. From the way he was acting, he might have reformed and quit smoking pot.

I walked out of the college and headed straight down the street for my house. As I walked I thought about the college. I also still had a law office in a building connected to the college. Would I still be able to practice law and go to college at the same time? I thought I would.

The house where I was headed actually belonged to my father; he was letting me use it. I had been living with my mother at the Logan Street House and had just moved out. I hadn't even been inside my new house, although I thought I knew what it looked like inside because I used to live there years before. I would need to quickly have my mail changed.

When I reached the house and walked inside down a long hall, I realized my place was actually only a room in a rooming house. I would even have to share a bathroom at the end of the hall. The door to the room to the left of my room was open; saw two bunk beds there, probably for college students. I hoped they would be quiet.

The college had only recently opened; college students would now start flooding the area. Someone could probably make money by buying houses in the area and renting them out to students.

When I reached the door to my room, I was surprised to find several notes written on blue paper stuck in the door. I grabbed them, opened the door and walked into the room. I was immediately disappointed by what a found. The room had deteriorated considerably since I had lived here years before. A large bed was the only furniture I saw at first in the room. The plaster board had fallen off most of the wall on the back side of the room and the side at the head of the bed. I looked out a small window and could feel cold air coming through. I lay down on the bed, which I recalled as being lumpy and uncomfortable. It looked as if one clean sheet and one cover was on the bed, hardly enough to keep warm. I was having second thoughts about staying. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to move here after all.

I turned to the blue notes. At first I thought they might be from Buckner, although I didn't know how he could have beat me to the room. But I saw they were from someone named Courtney. I couldn't remember who Courtney was. It seemed as if I had heard that name before, and connected it with a young girl whom I had met in a group of people. But I couldn't quite place it. I hoped she was attractive, because she was apparently trying to locate me. Along with the notes were several cards, like postcards. Each had pictures with a predominantly light blue color, pictures which seemed to depict scenes from some religion. I thought it might have to do with the Hari Krishnas and that Courtney belonged to the Hari Krishnas. Perhaps I had met her at a Hari Krishna house years ago.

What would I do if she came to visit me? I imagined her as being very attractive and sitting close to me. I might slide my hand down between her legs clad in blue jeans. But suddenly I wondered what would happen if Carolina would come while I was in the room with another woman. I wouldn't be able to answer the door and the woman and I would have to wait quietly in the room until Carolina went away. But knowing Carolina, she would probably just wait outside, or try to look in through the peep hole. We would just be trapped in the room and wouldn't even be able to move.

I abruptly felt disgusted by my thoughts and stood up. In front of me was a dresser with a large mirror on it. I looked at my face closely in the mirror. I looked as if I were in my early 30s. But what I noticed most was that I was going bald. My hair was cut very short, basically in a burr. But there was no hair at all for about the first half of the top of my head. On my right side I noticed about a two centimeter strip of bald hair going all the way around to the back of my head. The same kind of strip seemed to be forming on my left side. It must be surprising for most people to see that I was going bald.

But that wasn't what was bothering me most. I was having an internal struggle involving a feeling that something inside me was calling me to be a lawyer, to use the law in some way to accomplish something. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Why me? Why Me?"

But I didn't expect a response. I knew there was no answer to why I had been chosen for this. I just knew it was a fact I couldn't deny.

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