Dream of: 14 April 1994 "Retracing My Steps"

I looked around me, and retraced my steps to how I had got where I was. I was lying with a cover over me on the floor of the living room of the Grandview Avenue House. Buckner and Anderson (both about 20 years old) were also lying in the room. Lying with Buckner, in his sleeping bag, was an attractive, dark-haired girl (about 19 years old).

I recalled that the night before I had gone to a bar, where I had met some old friends. After drinking three beers with them, I had gone with them to a night club across the street. Once in the night club, I had begun to feel the effects of the alcohol, and had drunk even more. I had become very sociable and outgoing. I had also become charming and voluble with the women. I had noticed in the past how much more successful I was with women when I had had something to drink. And this night had been no exception.

As the evening had progressed, I had even become entertaining. I had sat upon a wooden chair, and leaned back so I had only been balancing on the back two legs. I had then leaned to one side, so the chair had only been balancing on one of the back legs. I had then proceeded to bounce around the room in a bizarre dance in the chair, first balancing on one hind leg then the other. I had been quite adapt at my little performance, and had proved an entertaining spectacle for all present.

I didn't recall leaving the club, but did remember arriving here at the House. I had been very attracted to the black-haired girl, and had thought she had been attracted to me. Although I hadn't made any demonstration of my affection, I had thought she had come with us so she could be with me. When it had come time to go to bed, she had slipped out of her clothes, standing before us in delicate, white underclothing. Then, to my surprise and chagrin, she had lain down on the couch with Buckner in his sleeping bag. I had thought it must have been because I hadn't shown her the proper attention. Surely she couldn't prefer Buckner over me. I was sure I had far more to offer in every way.

As I lay there pondering her being with Buckner, I grew more and more perturbed. I wasn't even sure I had managed to fall asleep. But finally I stood up and announced I was leaving. It was early in the morning, and Buckner and Anderson didn't understand why I wanted to get up so early. I blurted out that if I had been sleeping with the black-haired girl I would have stayed longer; but as it was, there was no reason to stay.

I overheard Buckner say something to the black-haired girl. I was surprised when I realized he sounded as if he were asking her for a date. I found it hard to believe he was that interested in her. I thought she would be fun to be with for a night, but didn't think she would be someone to get serious about.

I looked for my pants among the several pair which were lying on the floor. I found one pair and held it up to me. It come up almost to my neck. Obviously those weren't mine. I kept looking until I found mine and put them on.

I wanted to get an early start on the day. I felt as if I were going to repeat the same kind of activity which I had undertaken the day before. I would probably return to the same bar and begin the activities anew. If I got an early start, it seemed I would be able enjoy the day more.

But before I left, I took a look around the room. I realized Buckner's mother, Helen, now lived in the House, although she wasn't there at the present. The front room was well-furnished and neat. At first it seemed strange that Buckner's mother would live there, but then I remembered that my mother had sold the House to a mutual friend of my mother's and Helen's, and that friend had sold the House to Helen; so it made sense.

I asked Buckner if he remembered when I lived in the House. He did. I remembered once when we had been in high school, we had skipped school and had stayed at the House. Someone from the school had come looking for us. I remembered how terrified we had been as we had crouched down and hidden while the person was outside. But I also remembered how thrilled we had been, even though we had been terrified. The excitement of the fear had invigorated me to the quick.

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