Dream of: 10 March 1994 "Testing Sexuality"
I woke up, lay on my back and began thinking about where I
was. I remembered I had moved in with a group of about 10 men in Oregon and that I had been living with them for about a
week. I remembered that I had accidentally stumbled upon the
group, and I vaguely remembered contacting them from a phone booth.
I had originally planned to live with another group, but having
come upon this group, I decided to stay with them. I couldn't exactly
remember where I had been before I had moved in with the
group, but I thought I had left hastily and without notice.
I had brought my hand-carved, four-pillar, mahogany bed with
me, and I was now sharing it with another man, who was lying on the
other side of the bed even now. I thought how strange it seemed
to be sleeping in the same bed with a man. I thought only three
beds were in the habitation, each bed sleeping two men. Therefore
some men had to sleep on the floor. I had the use of a bed since
I had brought it with me. I thought the man with me was also able
to use the bed since he was one of the more important men in the
group. He was a husky man, probably in his mid 40s.
I rose and walked into the hall. As I began taking some
things out of a closet, I felt a surge of unfamiliar emotions
sweep over me. I suddenly began softly crying. I didn't want
anyone to see me and I wiped away the tears. But I realized the crying was giving me a great relief. I hadn't cried in a
very long time, and I was surprised to be doing so now.
As I tried to compose myself, I searched for the reason for
my crying and for the feelings I was experiencing. I thought it
had something to do with the group, and I reflected back on why I
was in the group. Although I didn't recall having discussed it
with the other men, I thought the men in the group were committed
to not masturbating. I knew I hadn't masturbated since
coming to the group, and that even before coming to the group I
hadn't masturbated for a while. I thought altogether it had been
about 10 days since I had masturbated. I also thought part
of the emotions I was now feeling was connected with the strength
I was feeling from ceasing to masturbate.
I felt that the other men in the group were all intimately
involved with facing their sexual natures, and dealing with
issues such as masturbation. I realized that being in the group
probably made them more aware of sexual desires. Although I didn't think any of them were homosexual, I wondered what would
happen if I would pretend to show a sexual interest in any of
them. If any of them had such a weakness, I could probably uncover it. As I thought this, I quickly realized I was deliberately trying to find some way of sabotaging the group. I knew I
was feeling the strain of being in the group. I tried to understand where the strain came from.
I felt as if I could stand up and walk out of the group
right now, never communicating with any of them again. In fact,
it vaguely seemed as if I had done such a thing in the past, that
I had belonged to a similar group and that I had precipitously
left. I could see myself doing it again. My mind felt a bit like
a chunk of something cold and hard. I could feel it beginning to
thaw somewhat, but I realized I was also beginning to feel
pain. I didn't know if I wanted to go through it.
I realized I was also apprehensive about talking to any of the
men about my having used drugs. Although I hadn't used drugs in a
long time, I felt that if I were to continue in the group, I
would have to explain that I had used
hallucinogens rather extensively at one point. I had two main concerns. My first concern
was that I had actually damaged my mind, and therefore the other
men would reject me. My second concern was that even if I hadn't
damaged my mind, they would condemn me for having used the hallucinogens.
I didn't want to talk about it, but I felt if I remained I would have to. Maybe it was better to leave.
I walked into the living room, where I found
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