Dream of: 10 March 1994 "Testing Sexuality"
I woke up, lay on my back and began thinking about where I
was. I remembered I had moved in with a group of about 10 men in Oregon and that I had been living with them for about a
week. I remembered that I had accidentally stumbled upon the
group, and I vaguely remembered contacting them from a phone booth.
I had originally planned to live with another group, but having
come upon this group, I decided to stay with them. I couldn't exactly
remember where I had been before I had moved in with the
group, but I thought I had left hastily and without notice.
I had brought my hand-carved, four-pillar, mahogany bed with me, and I was now sharing it with another man, who was lying on the other side of the bed even now. I thought how strange it seemed to be sleeping in the same bed with a man. I thought only three beds were in the habitation, each bed sleeping two men. Therefore some men had to sleep on the floor. I had the use of a bed since I had brought it with me. I thought the man with me was also able to use the bed since he was one of the more important men in the group. He was a husky man, probably in his mid 40s.
I rose and walked into the hall. As I began taking some things out of a closet, I felt a surge of unfamiliar emotions sweep over me. I suddenly began softly crying. I didn't want anyone to see me and I wiped away the tears. But I realized the crying was giving me a great relief. I hadn't cried in a very long time, and I was surprised to be doing so now.
As I tried to compose myself, I searched for the reason for my crying and for the feelings I was experiencing. I thought it had something to do with the group, and I reflected back on why I was in the group. Although I didn't recall having discussed it with the other men, I thought the men in the group were committed to not masturbating. I knew I hadn't masturbated since coming to the group, and that even before coming to the group I hadn't masturbated for a while. I thought altogether it had been about 10 days since I had masturbated. I also thought part of the emotions I was now feeling was connected with the strength I was feeling from ceasing to masturbate.
I felt that the other men in the group were all intimately involved with facing their sexual natures, and dealing with issues such as masturbation. I realized that being in the group probably made them more aware of sexual desires. Although I didn't think any of them were homosexual, I wondered what would happen if I would pretend to show a sexual interest in any of them. If any of them had such a weakness, I could probably uncover it. As I thought this, I quickly realized I was deliberately trying to find some way of sabotaging the group. I knew I was feeling the strain of being in the group. I tried to understand where the strain came from.
I felt as if I could stand up and walk out of the group right now, never communicating with any of them again. In fact, it vaguely seemed as if I had done such a thing in the past, that I had belonged to a similar group and that I had precipitously left. I could see myself doing it again. My mind felt a bit like a chunk of something cold and hard. I could feel it beginning to thaw somewhat, but I realized I was also beginning to feel pain. I didn't know if I wanted to go through it.
I realized I was also apprehensive about talking to any of the men about my having used drugs. Although I hadn't used drugs in a long time, I felt that if I were to continue in the group, I would have to explain that I had used hallucinogens rather extensively at one point. I had two main concerns. My first concern was that I had actually damaged my mind, and therefore the other men would reject me. My second concern was that even if I hadn't damaged my mind, they would condemn me for having used the hallucinogens. I didn't want to talk about it, but I felt if I remained I would have to. Maybe it was better to leave.
I walked into the living room, where I found
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