Dream of: 10 March 1994 "Testing Sexuality"

I woke up, lay on my back and began thinking about where I was. I remembered I had moved in with a group of about 10 men in Oregon and that I had been living with them for about a week. I remembered that I had accidentally stumbled upon the group, and I vaguely remembered contacting them from a phone booth. I had originally planned to live with another group, but having come upon this group, I decided to stay with them. I couldn't exactly remember where I had been before I had moved in with the group, but I thought I had left hastily and without notice.

I had brought my hand-carved, four-pillar, mahogany bed with me, and I was now sharing it with another man, who was lying on the other side of the bed even now. I thought how strange it seemed to be sleeping in the same bed with a man. I thought only three beds were in the habitation, each bed sleeping two men. Therefore some men had to sleep on the floor. I had the use of a bed since I had brought it with me. I thought the man with me was also able to use the bed since he was one of the more important men in the group. He was a husky man, probably in his mid 40s.

I rose and walked into the hall. As I began taking some things out of a closet, I felt a surge of unfamiliar emotions sweep over me. I suddenly began softly crying. I didn't  want anyone to see me and I wiped away the tears. But I realized the crying was giving me a great relief. I hadn't  cried in a very long time, and I was surprised to be doing so now.

As I tried to compose myself, I searched for the reason for my crying and for the feelings I was experiencing. I thought it had something to do with the group, and I reflected back on why I was in the group. Although I didn't recall having discussed it with the other men, I thought the men in the group were committed to not masturbating. I knew I hadn't masturbated since coming to the group, and that even before coming to the group I hadn't masturbated for a while. I thought altogether it had been about 10 days since I had masturbated. I also thought part of the emotions I was now feeling was connected with the strength I was feeling from ceasing to masturbate.

I felt that the other men in the group were all intimately involved with facing their sexual natures, and dealing with issues such as masturbation. I realized that being in the group probably made them more aware of sexual desires. Although I didn't think any of them were homosexual, I wondered what would happen if I would pretend to show a sexual interest in any of them. If any of them had such a weakness, I could probably uncover it. As I thought this, I quickly realized I was deliberately trying to find some way of sabotaging the group. I knew I was feeling the strain of being in the group. I tried to understand where the strain came from.

I felt as if I could stand up and walk out of the group right now, never communicating with any of them again. In fact, it vaguely seemed as if I had done such a thing in the past, that I had belonged to a similar group and that I had precipitously left. I could see myself doing it again. My mind felt a bit like a chunk of something cold and hard. I could feel it beginning to thaw somewhat, but I realized I was also beginning to feel pain. I didn't know if I wanted to go through it.

I realized I was also apprehensive about talking to any of the men about my having used drugs. Although I hadn't used drugs in a long time, I felt that if I were to continue in the group, I would have to explain that I had used hallucinogens rather extensively at one point. I had two main concerns. My first concern was that I had actually damaged my mind, and therefore the other men would reject me. My second concern was that even if I hadn't damaged my mind, they would condemn me for having used the hallucinogens. I didn't want to talk about it, but I felt if I remained I would have to. Maybe it was better to leave.

I walked into the living room, where I found
my brother Chris (13-14 years old) lying naked on the couch. He had no pubic hair. I was already aware that he was living in the house, and I wasn't surprised to see him here.

Although I was normally not the one to take care of him, I realized he now needed some help. I asked him if he wanted me to help him put on some clothes and he indicated he did. I began putting on each article of clothing, beginning with his tee shirt, and then his shirt, underwear and pants. At one point he was lying on his back on the floor and the back of his head was near my crotch. I positioned him so he wouldn't touch my penis. I didn't know why, but I had an erection, even though I was not sexually aroused.

Once he was clothed, I sat next to him on the couch and began talking with him. I discussed the fact that he had left home without telling anyone, and that everyone, especially
our mother, was worried about him. I wanted him to call home.

I also began talking about my being there in the group. I told him I was having strange thoughts about the group. I thought to myself about the thought I had had about testing the other men's sexuality. I was disturbed by what was happening in my mind.

But I was most concerned about Chris. I felt a closeness to him which I thought I had never felt. I put my arms around him and pulled him close to me so our foreheads were touching. I began crying much harder than before. I thought he might also be crying. I felt a link to him such as I had not known. I knew it was my responsibility to take care of him, and I didn't feel burdened by it.

I thought we needed to get ready so I could take him outside to somewhere to call my mother. He probably hadn't been outside in 10 days and it would be a treat for him. If possible I would put him into a wheelchair and try to find a nice hotel with a phone in the lobby so he could sit and talk on the phone.

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