Dream of: 14 October 1992 "Ants And Tigers"

I was lying on a bed in the middle of a jungle. Looking over the side of the bed, I could see an ant hole about a centimeter in diameter. Standing next to it was a large orange tiger with black stripes which I identified as a Bengal tiger. However, from my perspective, the tiger looked so small, it was actually able to climb into the ant hole. I couldn't clearly see the ants, which appeared to be red, and they didn't even look like ants. They scurried across the ground and sometimes went into the hole. I thought they were attacking the tiger; but it also looked as if the tiger was eating the ants.

More tigers gradually showed up until five were either in the ant hole or milling about it. I became more and more concerned that so many tigers were next to the bed, and feared they might try to attack me. I pulled my beige cover over me and tried to hide under it. I even thought of getting under the mattress.

I was surprised to suddenly realize that Steve Weinstein was standing by the bed. I didn't see the tigers anymore, but thought they were still around. Steve seemed disgusted with me because I was hiding from the tigers instead of writing about them. He seemed to think that quite an interesting story was afoot if I would simply get up and write about it. I protested that I intended to do just that.

My main concern, however, at the moment was Carolina. About two days ago she and I had been together in a neighboring country, which seemed somewhat like Iran. I had felt compelled to leave her there for a short while, intending to return for her. But now the tigers had impeded my return. In addition, an even more daunting impediment lay between us: the wire fence on the border patrolled by armed guards. The more I reflected, the more I realized how powerless I was to return for her. I felt terrible. I had always portrayed myself to her as someone who would be able to take care of her no matter what. And now I realized just how deficient I really was.

***

I was sitting in a movie theater next to a man who had been helping me figure out a way to reach Carolina. It had been about two days since I had last seen her in the other country. As we talked, he let it slip out that he had heard from her. I was outraged that he had received some communication from her and not told me. I grabbed him and pulled him past the people seated around us. He blurted out that he had received a cassette tape from her, but for some reason he hadn't let me hear it. I held him in the aisle and demanded that he let me have it.

***

I was watching a film clip about the country where Carolina was being held. It seemed like Nazi Germany. The scene was in a mall. About twenty women were marched into a circular area of the mall, apparently to do some work. I was ecstatic when I saw Carolina among them. At least now I knew she was still alive.

A guard ordered the women to dump some water on the floor to scrub it. The women did so. As soon as the guard stepped away, all the women sat down in the water and began washing themselves. It appeared as if this was the only opportunity they had to wash. Their actions looked almost as if they were singing and dancing, as if the film was a musical.

***

Carolina was standing in the circular area when a young boy (about 3-4 years old) was brought in. I knew Carolina and I had a child together which Carolina could no longer see. I saw the look of affection on her face as she looked at the little boy.

***

The scene shifted to show two young children (only about 4 years old) who had been kidnapped and found by the authorities. It appeared that both had had their faces beaten. But most importantly, they were alive. I wondered if they had been sexually abused by their captors.

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