Dream of: 19 February 1991 "Needing To Change"

I was a college student with a group of other college students. One student was a tall, attractive, brown-haired, well-built woman who had been having a serious relationship with me. The night before, both she and I had been at a party, and while there, I had smoked some marijuana. The woman didn't think people should smoke marijuana. She hadn't said anything at the party, but now she was letting me know that she no longer wanted to have anything else to do with me because I had smoked pot.

I thought about how the times had changed and how so many people had turned against marijuana. Journalists who had once written in favor of marijuana were now against it. The attitude of people in the whole country had dramatically changed against the use of marijuana. Still, I knew that many people still smoked marijuana, and that someone in the business of selling marijuana would have no problem finding customers. Many people still used marijuana, but they didn't want other people to know about it.

This woman, however, definitely didn't use marijuana and she didn't want to be around it - and she no longer wanted to be with me. That bothered me. I didn't know what to do, because I still wanted to be with the woman. As I talked with her, I thought if I promised her I would never use marijuana again, she might stay with me. I had made that promise before, and I had always gone back to using marijuana. However, I felt that this time I might be able to change.

***

The woman and I were lying on a bed, and another girl was lying between us. I crawled over the girl, lay next to the woman, and tried to kiss her. When she finally allowed me to kiss her on the lips, I knew she was going to take me back - on the condition that I would no longer use marijuana.

***

I was riding in the back of a pickup truck with the same group of college students and the woman. They were all rather rich and lived in the affluent hilltop area of Portsmouth. I was being taken to my mother's home, which was in a section of the hilltop called Indian Hills. I didn't know the address of my mother's home because my mother had just moved there. I lived next door to her in the smallest house in Indian Hills. I thought about how the other houses were bigger than mine. People like my old high school buddy, Anderson, lived in larger houses, but I wasn't particularly concerned about living in a small house.

When we were close to my mother's home, the truck stopped to let me off. I climbed out of the truck and began walking up a pleasant lane shrouded with trees. As I walked along, kicking my way through the brown leaves on the sidewalk, I realized the woman whom I liked was walking with me. I also realized she was actually one of my old high school classmates, Cheryl.

When we were close to my mother's home, I suddenly realized that my wife Carolina (about 18 years old) was inside the house. I also realized I wouldn't be able to take Cheryl inside the house. Cognizant that I would hurt Carolina if I showed up with Cheryl, I thought, "I can't do that to her."

Even though I knew that I wanted to be with Cheryl and that my relationship with Carolina had ended, I couldn't bring myself to hurt Carolina. When Cheryl and I reached the door of the house, I could see Carolina inside through the window. Cheryl and I quickly turned around and began walking back down the street toward Cheryl's house. Looking back, I could see Carolina through the window putting on a blue jean jacket. Obviously she was going to follow us. She looked sad, but determined.

Cheryl and I began running, hoping to get far enough away from Carolina so she couldn't see us. I knew Carolina wouldn't directly follow us; but she would try to track us down.

Cheryl and I stopped running and began walking again. Abruptly Cheryl began talking to me about my using marijuana. I knew that the only time I had recently used marijuana was at the party the night before. I also realized I didn't need marijuana anymore; marijuana actually didn't do anything for me. What I really needed to do was change, and I could start changing if I stopped using marijuana. I told Cheryl that I didn't need marijuana, that I needed to change. She agreed.

I picked Cheryl up in my arms and began carrying her. I told her that part of the time I would carry her, and that part of the time she would have to carry me. She said that would be fine, but that right now I would have to carry her. I knew it would be hard to carry her for long, especially since Carolina was following us.

***

Cheryl and I were inside her house. I shouted, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

I hoped that Carolina would hear me shouting and that she would refrain from coming into the house.

Cheryl and I walked to the door of her bedroom. I said, "Good-bye."

She looked at me puzzled and sadly said, "Good-bye."

She obviously wanted me to come into the bedroom with her.

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