Dream of: 07 May 1990 "Adoption Process"

I had previously worked in what must have been an orphanage, where many young children were kept. I had left the orphanage quite a while before, but now I was thinking about adopting a young girl (about 2 years old) from the orphanage. Yet I still was unsure I wanted to go through with it. I had seen the girl before and knew she was from another country and had a swarthy color. She wasn't Negro, although I was concerned that there might be some Negro blood in her. I thought she might be from India.

A couple concerns were deeply bothering me. First, I knew that the girl's mother worked in the orphanage and took care of the girl. Bonding had obviously already occurred between the girl and the mother; I didn't know what would happen if I broke that bond. In that regard, I also was uncertain whether Carolina would want to be the new mother of the girl. I hadn't told Carolina anything about my intentions, and I was uncertain how she was going to react when I brought the girl home.

My main concern, however, was whether the girl would be intelligent. I wanted an intelligent child; I probably would be disappointed if she turned out to be lacking in intelligence. I had seen her mother and I didn't think the mother was particularly intelligent. I visualized both together in my mind. Both appeared to have red hair and neither was particularly becoming. The girl even looked a bit pudgy.

I met with Newton to discuss the matter. I remembered that he had adopted children, one of which was black. And I knew he was involved in my adoption of this child. I explained my concerns to him, and used the word "smart" several times, telling him how important it was for me to adopt a smart child. He didn't say anything; he basically seemed unconcerned about my misgivings. He was supposed to meet me at 8 o'clock the next morning at the orphanage to complete the adoption process.

***

The next morning I began walking through deeply snow-covered streets toward the orphanage. The going was tough and I considered not going at all. I didn't know what I was going to do when I reached the orphanage. I was profoundly troubled and I didn't want to adopt the child if I were uncertain. Yet people were waiting to complete the process.

Only as I reached the tall doors at the front of the orphanage did I realize it was 8:30 and I was a half hour late. As I walked through the doors into the large high-ceilinged vestibule, Newton with several other people was waiting for me. Newton seemed in a hurry and immediately walked off in the direction of the girl's room. The others followed with me taking up the rear. Everyone was wearing coats; it was cold.

I had become so emotionally distraught, tears had begun forming in my eyes. I knew the adoption ceremony was about to take place; it reminded me of what a woman must feel like when she was about to give birth. If I went through with this, I was going to be bonded for life with this child: she would be my daughter.

When we walked into the room, I couldn't stop the tears anymore. Yet I realized no one seemed to mind and they actually probably thought my crying was appropriate. A woman was sitting and crying on one of the beds in the room. It took me a moment to realize that it was my grandmother Leacy. It seemed natural for her to be here.

At the rear of the room was a large white sheet which covered the whole back of the room. The girl was behind the sheet; she was being prepared to be brought out. I began imagining what it would be like. She would probably be asked if she wanted me to become her father. I thought she would say yes. As I also began wondering what she would look like, I had an increasingly good picture of her in my mind.

But how would I take care of her? Would I have to give her baths? Would I molest her? No, I was positive that wouldn't happen. 

I imagined her coming out smiling to see me. The papers would be brought out for my signature. First one paper and then another which I would read and then say to the girl, "And this says that I adopt you and accept responsibility of you as my child."

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