Dream of: 08 November 1989 "Total Ruin"

My brother Chris was lying on his back in a bed in the House in Patriot. With covers pulled up to his neck, Chris was immobilized because of something which I had done to him. As I spoke to him, I pulled the covers back for a moment to scrutinize his body, and was assaulted by the potent fetid odor of dying flesh. Realizing that Chris's lower body was dead and dying, and that nothing could help him, I covered him back up and walked away, feeling utterly disconsolate. I thought about killing Chris, to put him out of his misery. I could set a large metal pan beside the bed, hold Chris's head over the bowl and cut his neck, allowing his blood to drip into the bowl.

Pondering the situation, I walked over to a mirror and gazed into it at the downy blond hair on both sides of my forehead. As I turned away from the mirror, I thought about another reason for my unhappiness I had done something unforgivable with my sister; it seemed that I might have had sex with her. I felt devastated because my transgressions against both Chris and my sister were impossible to undo. My life seemed utterly ruined with no hope of salvation.

I concluded that my misfortune was due to my disobedience of God's will. Even when I had known what God had wanted from me, I had disobeyed. I wondered what God wanted me to do now. I felt as if I would now do whatever God wanted, to try to amend in some way what I had done.

It occurred to me that perhaps God would be pleased if I told my father and my mother what I had done to my sister and Chris. I could confess right now; both my parents were upstairs. But I knew my father would never forgive me; I had once before confessed something to him, and he had refused to pardon me. Surely he wouldn't now forgive my causing Chris to die.

As I continued trying to fathom what God wanted me to do, I was afraid I would be unable to follow God's directives. I felt as if my life were over. I could only hope that if I had another life, I would better follow God's will. I could now see that the penalty for not doing so could be total ruin.

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