Dream of:01 August 1989 "Submission To God"
While sitting in a park under a tree, I was thinking about a young black-haired girl with whom I apparently had recently had sex (even though I shouldn't have). The situation wasn't completely pellucid in my mind; I was trying to figure out my standing with the girl. I wasn't seeing her any more, and I was uncertain whether she was going to try to take any action, legal or otherwise, against me.
A group of people began gathering around a nearby tree. Gradually I began to realize that this group was some kind of support group, and that the members of the group were all trying to help each other resolve problems. The girl with whom I had had the sexual relationship was among the group. She displayed a shocked look on her face when she saw me.
One woman who reminded me of Tamra Ramsey (a fellow law student in 1982-1983) matter-of-factly approached me and acted as if I were here to take part in the group. The truth was that I felt as if participating in the group would be beneficial for me; but I was uncertain whether I was supposed to be here. Besides, the black-haired girl was here and she looked as if she were deathly afraid of me. Furthermore, it seemed as if I had recently been drinking something alcoholic; I might have even left a bottle lying somewhere here around the tree. When I stood up, I even felt unsteady on my feet, tottering a bit, wondering if anyone noticed. I turned to the woman and said, "Was I supposed to be here? Was I supposed to be here?"
The woman seemed to think my presence was accepted here, even though I would obviously not be a formal part of the group. And as if to confirm the acceptance of my presence, a black-haired man probably in his early 20s walked up behind me and placed his hand firmly on my head. As I closed my eyes, I thought his hands on my head was a symbolic gesture to show a healing power emanating from God, passing through the man to me. Although I didn't believe any such power would actually pass, I decided to act along with the fellow, to show that I understood the symbolism involved.
But as I acted, I did indeed perceive an unusual feeling take hold of me, beginning with my head and working down the length of my entire body. I felt fully conscious, but experienced an ineffable sensation, as if there were both a cleansing ablution and strengthening fortification of my entire body. At the same time my body began to become rigid. I experienced no sensation of numbness, as might be expected by a sense of rigidity, but rather a feeling of power. As the rigidity increased, I began leaning backwards. Cognizant that the black-haired man was holding me as I tipped backwards, I felt sure that he wasn't going to drop me. I felt complete confidence in him, as well as in myself to be unafraid of being dropped. He continued to hold me as in my rigid state I was lowered all the way to the ground.
Once on the ground, I could hear a murmur of approval from the others; I knew I had passed an initial test which demonstrated to them my power and my worthiness to be among them. Sensing that they seemed to accept me, I began to awaken from my hypnotic state. But as I started to rise back up, just as I reached the position where I was on one bended knee, I either heard or sensed from the others that I needed to stay in this position a bit longer. I instantly realized why – it was a position of submission to God, either to show an attitude of prayer or an attitude of subservience to God. Accepting the position as one which I could readily assume, I stayed in the position until I felt the approval of the others. Then I stood back up.
Looking now at the others, I knew I was still confronted with the issue of the black-haired girl. I sensed that the girl's mother was alarmed by what had taken place between the girl and me, but that basically the girl and her mother had accepted it and they didn't intend to try to cause me any harm. The girl had apparently suffered only slight damage, and she was undergoing some therapy which hopefully would be able to help her.
I, on the other hand, had still not resolved the problem within myself, and I was uncertain how to deal with it. But at least I thought I had taken a step in the right direction, simply by being in this group.
Believing I needed to take further action, I thought the next step involved participating in some martial exercises with other members of the group. Most of the members however seemed very young. When one young boy tried challenging me to a wrestling match, I participated with him a short while, but perceiving that he had touched my penis in a sexual manner, I chased him away. Although I wasn't angry with him, I realized he had some definite problems which he needed to resolve.
Finally I became aware that the young black-haired man (the one who had held me in my rigid state) was the person whom I must challenge. We faced each other and squared off. The idea was to use our fists to strike at each other, without actually hitting each other. We spared in this manner for a while, until it became obvious that I was the stronger, and we stopped. I seemed to be the only one actually impressed with my strength; the others simply accepted my strength without emphasis.
A younger fellow approached me, also wanting to spar, but this time using our feet to kick. I began sparring with him, using side kicks to exhibit my superior kicking ability. As my kicks forced him farther and farther away from me, he seemed duly convinced that I was his superior in this arena.
Other people had also been sparing around me, and when the session finally came to an end, everyone began lining up, just like in a typical martial arts class. I squeezed into the line between two people, holding my arms down in front of me as I would if I had just been engaged in a karate class. I heard someone near me refer to me and say, "He appears to be blue."
Someone else responded, "Because he's addicted to alcohol. He's addicted to all the addictions."
I now realized this group had been formed to deal with addictions. I also realized my addiction was of a sexual nature; I had an addictive personality; besides sex, I was addicted to a variety of different things, including alcohol. I felt good about this realization, although I was uncertain what to do next. Specifically, I began thinking about Carolina. If I had a sexual addiction, how did she fit into it? And was there a place for me in this group? I felt as if I had a place here, but I was still uncertain about how to deal with Carolina.
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