Dream of:17 April 1989 "God Smiling On Me"
I was in a room with a black woman with whom I had been living for a while, and with whom I had been having a sexual relationship. However, it had finally become clear that I was going to have to terminate the relationship. As I started to walk out the door, the woman realized I was abandoning her, and she called out that I was leaving her because she was black. I wheeled around and retorted that I wasn't leaving because of her skin color.
As I turned back to the door and walked out, I realized something symbolical was happening to me, something which related to my black-eyed Salvadoran sweetheart,Carolina. I realized just as I was breaking off the relationship with the black woman, I should in some way be breaking off my relationship with Carolina.
As I continued walking down some streets, some black male friends of the woman followed me. I began running. Finally I realized the police were also following me – and the police caught me.
When one of the policemen asked me to take off the leather jacket which I was wearing, I doffed the jacket and handed it to him. He began feeling the pockets on one side of the jacket, until, in a small cavity below the pocket, he unearthed a capsule which appeared to be filled with some kind of drug. He opened the capsule, revealing a choclatey-looking powder inside. Concluding that the powder was an illegal drug, the officer immediately arrested me.
I quickly protested that I was being framed. I thought the black woman must be responsible for setting me up and I tried to explain to the police officers that I had only acquired the coat the previous day. But they obviously didn't believe me. After bitterly complaining for a while about how the officers were making a terrible mistake, I finally told them that I realized it wasn't their fault. But then I added that to some degree it was their fault, because they shouldn't be arresting people for drugs in the first place.
Finally I asked one officer how much the bail was going to be. He hesitated for a moment, then said the bail would be $1,300. I protested that possession of that particular drug would probably only be classified as a misdemeanor, and therefore the bail should only be $200. Finally I blurted out that I was a lawyer. One officer conceded that if I truly were a lawyer, I would be released without actually putting up a bond.
I was in the police station, standing behind a counter, talking with someone sitting in a chair on the other side. I was still trying to determine how much the bond was going to be. The person with whom I was speaking seemed to have found something else on my record about which he was questioning me. At this point, although other people were standing around listening, I didn't care who heard what was said.
I was standing on the side of a hill, contemplating the sinful way which I had been leading my life. I was having a vision of Gene Wilder playing the role of a rabbi in a movie I had seen, the Frisco Kid. It seemed there had been a scene where the rabbi had spoken of God smiling on him. Now I realized just how important it was to me to have God smile on me. But I felt so unworthy and I thought God would not smile on me. Suddenly, however, as if something radiant had perfused me, I felt as if God were smiling on me. The feeling was completely unexpected, completely salubrious. I felt as if my sins were being pardoned, and as if I were being cleansed. At least I had the feeling that God was still with me, and was pointing the way for me to cleanse myself, and to once again be in God's grace.
Carolina was with me, helping me along as I walked up some stairs out of the police station. It seemed to me as if I had been under the influence of a powerful psychotropic drug and that I was just now returning to reality. But the effects of the drug were still upon me, and I felt quite weak. Carolina realized I had experienced something momentous, and she questioned me about it. I replied that the experience had been metaphorical; I found it difficult to explain it to her. It was especially difficult, because I realized the main message of the experience had been God's telling me to cease my sexual relationship with Carolina. I was glad I knew what God wanted; but explaining it to Carolina was very difficult. I turned to her and asked, "Do you know who I was? Do you know who I really was?" I knew she didn't know what I was talking about.
But now I at least knew partially who I was. I had been searching for this part of myself for a long time, and now in a flash God had revealed it to me – I was celibate. I now realized celibacy was a holy part of my nature which I could no longer defile without losing God's pleasure. God was happy with my being celibate. And with God's help, I now felt as if I could do God's will.
I was alone in the room where I had earlier left the black woman. The room seemed to be in a motel and she was no longer here. Instead, a couple black fellows were present. The place was a mess, and it appeared some alcohol had been spilled on the floor. As I began picking up some things, I informed the black fellows I was finished here.
Then I noticed Carolina standing over next to a window. I knew I must also tell her about the transformation in my feelings toward her. I said something to her and then added, "Especially you Carolina, because I love you."
I now realized I actually did love Carolina. I embraced her and felt how small and frail she seemed. I knew she was going to be upset, and indeed she snapped out something angry at me, but I reacted in a calm and soothing manner, differently than I would normally react. Carolina began to cry, clearly softening. She seemed to understand that this time I meant what I said. I uttered, "I hurt you. I know I hurt you."
She replied, "Well stop. You shouldn't hurt me."
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