Dream of: 17 April 1989 "God Smiling On Me"

I was in a room with a black woman with whom I had been living for a while, and with whom I had been having a sexual relationship. However, it had finally become clear that I was going to have to terminate the relationship. As I started to walk out the door, the woman realized I was abandoning her, and she called out that I was leaving her because she was black. I wheeled around and retorted that I wasn't leaving because of her skin color.

As I turned back to the door and walked out, I realized something symbolical was happening to me, something which related to my black-eyed Salvadoran sweetheart, Carolina. I realized just as I was breaking off the relationship with the black woman, I should in some way be breaking off my relationship with Carolina.

As I continued walking down some streets, some black male friends of the woman followed me. I began running. Finally I realized the police were also following me and the police caught me.

When one of the policemen asked me to take off the leather jacket which I was wearing, I doffed the jacket and handed it to him. He began feeling the pockets on one side of the jacket, until, in a small cavity below the pocket, he unearthed a capsule which appeared to be filled with some kind of drug. He opened the capsule, revealing a choclatey-looking powder inside. Concluding that the powder was an illegal drug, the officer immediately arrested me.

I quickly protested that I was being framed. I thought the black woman must be responsible for setting me up and I tried to explain to the police officers that I had only acquired the coat the previous day. But they obviously didn't believe me. After bitterly complaining for a while about how the officers were making a terrible mistake, I finally told them that I realized it wasn't their fault. But then I added that to some degree it was their fault, because they shouldn't be arresting people for drugs in the first place.

Finally I asked one officer how much the bail was going to be. He hesitated for a moment, then said the bail would be $1,300. I protested that possession of that particular drug would probably only be classified as a misdemeanor, and therefore the bail should only be $200. Finally I blurted out that I was a lawyer. One officer conceded that if I truly were a lawyer, I would be released without actually putting up a bond.

***

I was in the police station, standing behind a counter, talking with someone sitting in a chair on the other side. I was still trying to determine how much the bond was going to be. The person with whom I was speaking seemed to have found something else on my record about which he was questioning me. At this point, although other people were standing around listening, I didn't care who heard what was said.

***

I was standing on the side of a hill, contemplating the sinful way which I had been leading my life. I was having a vision of the actor Gene Wilder playing the role of a rabbi in a movie I had seen, the Frisco Kid. It seemed there had been a scene where the rabbi had spoken of God smiling on him. Now I realized just how important it was to me to have God smile on me. But I felt so unworthy and I thought God would not smile on me. Suddenly, however, as if something radiant had perfused me, I felt as if God were smiling on me. The feeling was completely unexpected, completely salubrious. I felt as if my sins were being pardoned, and as if I were being cleansed. At least I had the feeling that God was still with me, and was pointing the way for me to cleanse myself, and to once again be in God's grace.

***

Carolina was with me, helping me along as I walked up some stairs out of the police station. It seemed to me as if I had been under the influence of a powerful psychotropic drug and that I was just now returning to reality. But the effects of the drug were still upon me, and I felt quite weak. Carolina realized I had experienced something momentous, and she questioned me about it. I replied that the experience had been metaphorical; I found it difficult to explain it to her. It was especially difficult, because I realized the main message of the experience had been God's telling me to cease my sexual relationship with Carolina. I was glad I knew what God wanted; but explaining it to Carolina was very difficult. I turned to her and asked, "Do you know who I was? Do you know who I really was?" I knew she didn't know what I was talking about.

But now I at least knew partially who I was. I had been searching for this part of myself for a long time, and now in a flash God had revealed it to me I was celibate. I now realized celibacy was a holy part of my nature which I could no longer defile without losing God's pleasure. God was happy with my being celibate. And with God's help, I now felt as if I could do God's will.

***

I was alone in the room where I had earlier left the black woman. The room seemed to be in a motel and she was no longer here. Instead, a couple black fellows were present. The place was a mess, and it appeared some alcohol had been spilled on the floor. As I began picking up some things, I informed the black fellows I was finished here.

Then I noticed Carolina standing over next to a window. I knew I must also tell her about the transformation in my feelings toward her. I said something to her and then added, "Especially you Carolina, because I love you."

I now realized I actually did love Carolina. I embraced her and felt how small and frail she seemed. I knew she was going to be upset, and indeed she snapped out something angry at me, but I reacted in a calm and soothing manner, differently than I would normally react. Carolina began to cry, clearly softening. She seemed to understand that this time I meant what I said. I uttered, "I hurt you. I know I hurt you."

She replied, "Well stop. You shouldn't hurt me."

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