Dream of:13 November 1987 "First Kiss"
Carolina (a black-haired 15-year old whom I had recently met) and I were lying on the floor together. I wanted to kiss her. I figured that she had probably never kissed anyone, that she probably didn't even know how to kiss. We turned our faces toward each other and I touched her lips with mine. She hesitated only an instant before opening her mouth and engaging me in a passionate kiss. If she had never kissed, she surely was learning fast; she certainly seemed to know what she was doing.
We moved closer to each other and at one point it felt as if she might have put her hand inside my pants and was feeling my penis. I certainly enjoyed being with her, even though I still felt a bit uneasy about our being together.
I was lying alone on the floor of a room when my Dallas friend Eloise (about five years older than I) vigorously walked in wearing a black shirt or tee shirt. When I stood up beside her, she let me know she wanted me to go into the next room with her. She put her arm around me and I put mine around her. Apparently we were going to engage in an experiment in the next room; she told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I was somewhat apprehensive, especially since she was pressing against me and was so physically close, but I figured I could take part in the experiment.
When we entered the room, I could see the figures of two people sitting on a couch. Although I couldn't tell exactly who they were, I thought they were a man and a woman, but the thought also occurred to me that they might be two homosexual men. One spoke in a rather deep voice which reminded me of Block (a fellow whom I had met at the Dallas Zen Center). It also seemed as ifBloemendaal (another fellow whom I had met at the Dallas Zen Center), might be in the room. I had the distinct impression Bloemendaal would like to be with Eloise, although clearly she wasn't interested in him.
I enjoyed being with Eloise; I even liked being close to her like this. It seemed she was playing a game with me. I was somewhat alarmed because the game seemed to be of a sexual nature. I tried to convey the message that I was willing to participate in the game, but that I didn't want to have sex with her.
As part of what was going on, I also seemed able to somewhat control the situation. Eloise was actually about a head taller than I; had I somehow made her that way? I commented on the fact that she was so tall and I even thought about suggesting she might be wearing stilts, even though I knew she wasn't.
Eloise and I finally lay down next to each other on the floor and she pressed against me until it occurred to me I might be dreaming. Could Eloise be making it look as if I were dreaming to fool me into having sex with her? I was convinced, however, that what was taking place was actually real and that I wasn't dreaming. I didn't want to let her fool me and I felt determined I shouldn't have sex with her.
She, however, was determined; she also seemed strong. I felt as if she were stronger than I and as if she could actually hold me down, perhaps against my will. The idea even occurred to me that I could imagine her as a vampire out to get me; but it was just a notion and I decided not to pursue it.
We engaged in a passionate kiss and Eloise seemed inflamed. I felt as if I must stop what we were doing before it was too late. I protested several times that we had to stop and that I couldn't have sex with her. The protests and my questions as to whether I was dreaming seemed to mix together. I liked Eloise and I liked being with her, but I didn't think we should have sex.
Eloise lost her control. She was still fully clothed, but she was rubbing her pubic region against me and moaning quietly. Her presence was powerful, but I felt in control enough to think I wasn't going to succumb to her desires. What I really wanted to know though, was whether I was dreaming. I wanted to try to wake myself up to see.
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