Dream of: 25 July 1987 "Bulldogs"

My old friend Roger Anderson and I were in a large old house where I was living. It seemed as if Anderson was going to spend the night. A beautiful shapely woman (about 20 years old) whom I used to know appeared. She vaguely reminded me both of Tyler and Montavan (two female acquaintances from Portsmouth, Ohio whom I briefly knew around 1970). I couldn't get over just how physically beautiful she was. She had raven-black hair and large pouting lips.

I was nice to her and treated her with respect. She seemed somewhat lost and vulnerable, but I didn't take advantage of her in any way. She also was going to spend the night. She was going to be with Anderson, but I knew Anderson respected her and that there wouldn't be any physical contact -- Anderson wouldn't bother her. He cared a lot about her.

In the course of the night, it seemed she also spent part of the night with about four yuppie-type fellows in a nice car.

The next day she was again with Anderson and me. She seemed a bit distraught and appeared to just have a large beach towel wrapped around her. Her black hair was wet and hanging over her shoulders. She appeared to be intoxicated, apparently from whiskey, but she was still beautiful.

She, Anderson and I walked outside to board a convertible which I was going to drive. She had a fifth of whiskey with her. She had drunk almost all of it and only a little was left in the bottom. I took the bottle from her and I took a drink of the whiskey. It had been a long time since I had drunk any alcohol. I knew the effects would be powerful.

As the girl and Anderson boarded the car, I made up my mind that I was going to have sex with her, by force if necessary. I felt my personality radically change as my resolve become fixed. I would force her to have sex with me.

I began driving around. She was sitting in the back seat. First thing I wanted to do was find a drug store and buy a rubber. Rubber or condom? Which was the better word? Probably condom. I could probably do without one, but I figured there might be a 17 percent chance that she had a venereal disease, such as AIDS, so I better have some protection.

She didn't know yet and she was still trusting me. I thought I would break the news to her by telling her I was going to buy a condom. She would know what was going on.

While I had been driving, I had been smoking a large cigar. I know it was a little out of character for me, but it seemed to fit me at the moment. Finally I realized I had smoked it down to a small butt and I threw it out.

We seemed to be in a small town and I drove down a street with little stores on both sides. I didn't see a drug store anywhere. Gradually, the street seemed to be running inside a mall and finally I was actually driving inside a furniture store at the end of the mall. I tried to turn around, had a bit of difficulty and someone in the store had to move some furniture around to give me enough room.

Finally I headed back out and drove back through the mall. I let the girl and Anderson know I was looking for a drug store. She knew what was going on. It seemed erotic that I had let her know I was looking for a condom. She seemed to realize it would be futile to resist. She was obviously disappointed to see my nature change like it had, but she seemed resigned not to struggle, although I wasn't completely sure of that. She was a little angry, sitting there with her damp hair, but she was still so beautiful.

We reached the end of the mall and before I drove out, I stopped and asked a fellow here where there was a drug store. He said one was downstairs directly below us. I needed to go outside and then come back in the downstairs part of the mall.

I drove out and had to drive the car down about 20 steps and into a parking lot. As I was looking for a parking space, a car with some young men passed us and the girl seemed to wave at them. I figured they were probably the yuppies she had spent part of last night with, but she didn't make any attempt to enlist their help against me and they went on.

I parked and was just about to get out of the car when Anderson pulled out his billfold. I knew Anderson liked the girl and I was a bit concerned that she might try to use him against me to cause conflict between us. I didn't think Anderson was interested in forcing himself on the girl, but now I wondered whether he wanted me to also buy him a condom. I thought he already had one. Then I saw that in his hand he had four or five silver dollars which he had pulled from his billfold. He told me he had recently bought some condoms about the size of the silver dollars and he seemed to have paid about 29 cents apiece for them. He was telling me so I would know not to pay some exorbitant price for my condom.

Someone else seemed to be standing nearby looking at Anderson's silver dollar and I hoped there was no risk that they would try to steal them.

I got out of the car. The land all around me was freshly plowed and I began walking across it. I felt some half dollars in my pocket and I thought they were the size of the condom I was going to ask for.

It wasn't too late for me to stop this. I hadn't done anything yet, except lose the girl's respect. I could still rid myself of this force that had come over me. I did feel somewhat guilty about what I was doing, but I also seemed to have changed into someone determined to carry through the act of forcing myself on her. I did seem different.

***

I had entered a store in the mall. It seemed to be a clothing store. A clerk came up and I told him I needed a shirt. He pulled out a long-sleeved shirt with small light and dark green checks on it. It cost about $20 and I told him I would take it without even looking at anything else. Just when I was about to pay for it, he mentioned something about a type of school shirt and I asked to see it. He pulled out a type of pretty sweater which zipped up the front. It had a picture of a bulldog on the back and said "Bulldogs." Obviously for some school. I liked it, but it cost $41 and I didn't want to spend that much money.

If I did buy that kind of sweater, I would want something with the picture of a milder animal on it.

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