Dream of: 27 October 1986 (2) "Fear Of AIDS"
As I drove my silver 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit along a country road, I looked to my
right and noticed a stream of water flowing in the same direction I was
traveling. The stream was quite a beautiful sight and appeared to be white water
rapids; at least the water appeared white as it rapidly rolled over the large
rocks in the stream's bed. I became quite mesmerized by the sight. Perhaps a dam
back upstream was creating all the turmoil in the water. Did people ever raft
down the stream? I continued driving for quite a way and suddenly realized I had
not been looking at all where I was going. If a car had been coming in my
direction, I could have easily crashed into it.
The water had gradually calmed down and the stream had narrowed into a small
quiet channel. The road I was traveling had also narrowed and had only room
enough for one car. The whole area was blanketed with snow. Even the stream
appeared to be covered with ice and snow; I could no longer see the water.
I approached an intersection and suddenly decided to turn around. I lurched my
car around to the right and pushed on my brakes; the ice-covered road caused my
car to slide toward a telephone pole. I stuck my left hand out the window and
grabbed the pole as we hit it. I had cushioned the impact, but the left rear
fender still slightly hit the pole. I did not think there had been any damage; I
finished turning around and began traveling back up the road I had just come
down.
As I moved along, I realized I was no longer in a car. Instead, I was in some
kind of contraption on two skids; I was sitting in a seat exposed to the
elements. I was moving quite fast down the road and was still able to guide the
vehicle, although I was not quite sure how to speed up and slow down.
As I traveled along, I began thinking about AIDS: I was worried that I had it. I
had noticed a small red mark on the knuckle of the ring finger of my right hand.
It had healed over and left a small white scar. I could not explain where the
mark had come from; I thought it had healed in an unusual way. Plus, I thought I
had detected another such mark beginning above the small finger of the same
hand.
I had heard that the chances of catching AIDS were one in six if one were to
have sex with a stranger. Those seemed to me to be very high odds. I began
imagining what it must be like to discover having AIDS and I had a vision of the
millions of people who must have it. People who did not have it would probably
not be nearly as concerned with the subject as those who had it. I remembered
having once spoken with my old high school friend Roger Anderson about it and
both of us having said that we could possibly have it. I knew Roger was having
an affair with a married woman and I thought of the risk he was taking. I also
thought of another old high school friend, Randy Ramey, and I wondered what he
would do if he had it.
There were only two sources from which I could have contracted AIDS—Bonnie and
Mireya (a Dallas acquaintance). Those were the only two people with whom I had
had sexual contact in several years. I began to scrutinize the possibilities.
I had only had sex with Mireya once. I knew she had had sex with other men
before me, although I did not know who or when. When I had had sex with her, I
had been concerned even then of the possibilities. I had quickly urinated and
washed my penis afterwards. Nevertheless, a definite possibility still existed.
I wondered if Mireya's being Colombian would make any difference.
I had had sex with Bonnie only two or three times after we had finally
separated. I knew she had begun seeing other men and had had sex with at least
two. I remembered distinctly having hesitated to have sex with her for fear she
might have something; nevertheless, I had. So, there was also a possibility I
had contracted something from her.
I concluded that the probability was slim that I had AIDS; but the possibility
seemed too important to just ignore anymore. I decided I needed to have a blood
test as soon as possible. In fact, I needed to have one right now. I looked at
my watch; it was already 3:30. It was doubtful I could make it to the health
clinic before it closed. I would have to wait until the following day.
I began to experience some problem with my vehicle, which seemed wind-powered to
some extent. Somehow the front part had risen into the air, and I could not seem
to lower it. Cars were now coming toward me, and I was having difficulty
steering past them. Finally, I was able to slow down to a stop. I got out and
saw something under one of the skids in the rear which was causing the skid to
rise into the air. I fixed it. A car had stopped behind me and was waiting for
me to start again. I began pushing my vehicle and running along beside it.
Finally, it picked up some speed and I jumped back in.
Once again I steered down
the road.
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