Dream of: 08 December 1982 "Confession"

I had awakened at the House in Patriot; I was lying on the right side of a bed with two women lying to my left. I picked up my cassette player which was lying beside me and I began recording some events of the previous night which were very vivid in my mind. I said, "I was in a room with five women and four other men. Two of the women, Lisa and Katherine, had red hair, two had black hair and the fifth woman was a blonde. One of the black-haired girls was Chris and I didn't recognize the other two. But I had never seen the blonde before. One of the guys was Buckner.

I said that the night before I had come into this room with a girl and we had taken off our clothes. We had then begun having sex together. I couldn't remember which woman I had come into the room with; but I remembered that after I had been in the room a while, I had noticed other couples in the room, and I had switched to another woman, and then on to others. I did recall having had intercourse with Lisa and then having inserted my penis into her mouth. Lisa and I had been on the floor. I had then climbed into bed with Chris and had had sex with her.

As I was recording, the people lying around me began to awaken. Everyone was still nude and began to dress. They wanted to hear what I was saying and I continued, "I had been thinking right about then that it was almost certain that if one person in the whole room had some kind of VD, that everyone in the room would end up having that VD."

As soon as I said that a couple girls said, "No. No. You don't understand it at all. That's not how it works."

I thought, "Well maybe that isn't how it works."

The girls were convinced that no one else would have caught the venereal disease, even if one of them had had it. But I began thinking that I hadn't had any protection when I had had sex with all those girls, and I suddenly felt lousy. It was probably certain I had contracted some kind of venereal disease.

I thought of Louise; what had I done? I had actually had sex with another woman. I had told Louise I was simply going to be away for a night. I was suddenly devastated. How was I going to explain this to Louise? I would have to tell her. For a minute I thought maybe I wouldn't tell her; but that simply wouldn't work. I would simply have to tell her.

I was about 6 a.m. I immediately sat up and thought, "I've got to go right now and explain to her what happened."

I felt that she wasn't going to accept it and that she would probably leave me. But I had previously decided that if something like this ever happened, not telling Louise would be far worse than the actual deed itself. So even though I would probably lose her, I must tell her. I was devastated when I thought of losing her because of what I had done.

I had a toothpick in my mouth; I had chewed it up so hard that it was nothing more than a wad of splinters in my mouth. I began spitting it out.

I continued thinking that I just had to get up and tell Louise what I had done. I was feeling quite ill.

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