Dream of: 22 September 1982 "Going Insane"

I was staying with my father and my mother in a house which reminded me of the Clarksfield House (a house in northern Ohio where I lived from the ages 3-7 from 1955-1959). My father, my mother and my sister had all gone to bed, leaving me sitting alone in the living room. I was very angry with myself. I had reached the end of the quarter at law school and had had $900 saved up. I had been thinking of using the money to travel with, but within a week's time of being out of school, I had spent the entire $900. If I hadn't been so stupid and if I would have been careful with the money, I could have lived a long time with it.

I rose to prepare to go to bed; I began thinking I might still be able to take my sleeping bag and simply leave, even though I didn't have any money. I knew of a barn-like building which had hay in its loft where I might be able to stay. If I were going to leave, I would need to wake up my father and my mother and tell them.

I was also bothered because it seemed as if my father and my mother were angry with me and as if they hadn't been speaking with me for a couple days. The more I thought about the situation, the more tense I felt. I actually began to feel as if I were going insane. I felt pressure in my head, as if I weren't going to be able to maintain.

A small metal bed frame was in the room and I began pushing it around. It had no springs or mattress on it and looked somewhat like a picture frame.

I definitely thought I was going insane I wanted to go to the mental hospital. I pushed the metal frame down a hall toward my father's and my mother's room and began screaming. I knew my mother was sleeping in a room on the right of the hall and my father and my sister were sleeping in a room on the left. It seemed a bit strange to me that my father and my sister would be sleeping in the same room together, but I didn't give it much thought. I continued pushing the bed frame and screaming. Finally I noticed that the light was turned on in the room on the left and I thought I had probably awakened my father and my sister.

I picked up the frame and carried it into the room. I held the frame in front of my body so it looked like a picture frame around the picture of my body. In the room my father and my sister were sleeping in separate beds. My sister was starting to get up and my father was sitting up in his bed. He smiled and said, "You just couldn't stand to be alone any more, huh?"

He seemed to be trying to reconcile with me, but I was still angry and I wouldn't talk to him. With a cracking voice, however, I finally said, "I've decided I want to go to the mental hospital. I think I'm going crazy. I want to go to the mental hospital."

He said, "Well, you probably are going crazy. The only problem is, if you go out there, you'll have to stay for a long time. About ten weeks."

I said, "That's bullshit. You don't have to stay there that long."

I thought I would probably have to stay there two weeks. I didn't like the idea, but I thought in two weeks I could leave. I told my father I wanted to go to the mental hospital just to get away from where I was. The mental hospital was the one place where I knew I could go now.

Although it was about 1:30 a.m., I was ready to go immediately. I wanted my sister to call and find out if I could go right then. She said she could find out for me. But then she also mentioned that I had received a phone call from Maggard (a boy a year younger than I whom I had known in Portsmouth when I had been in the sixth grade). I then recalled I had received the phone call, although I had forgotten about it. Apparently my sister had listened to me talking on an extension. Apparently Maggard had spoken of obtaining some kind of drug, perhaps heroin, for me.

In my hand I was holding a half of an orange, but it was red inside and looked like a pomegranate. Written inside the orange were some words which Maggard had spoken to me. Maggard had said he could get me "a lotus." I thought lotus was some kind of drug.

I thought about the words written in the orange even as I continued to think of going to the mental hospital for a couple weeks. Even though I felt as if I were going insane, the longer I thought about it, the less sure I was that I really wanted to go to the mental hospital.

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