Rob's World ®
1999 Darwin Awards
DARWIN AWARDS - 1999
Yes, It is once again that time of year when we award those of
our
population who have successfully removed themselves from the gene
pool in the most spectacularly idiotic way.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
1.. LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother
decided to
remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of
a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited
the
fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a
window
some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the
explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.
Deciding
Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go
to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was
stung
three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route
to
the hospital.
2.. Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis
with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a
game
of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of
themore traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. [must be
themdamned 15-round magazines!]
3.. PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old
male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic
dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was
going to eat
it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said,
adding "He was
really drunk."
4.. In February, according to police in WINDSOR,
ONT., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
5.. MOSCOW, Russia- A drunk security man asked a
colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to
see
if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and
the
25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the
>>Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
6.. In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to
chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff
and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope
to a
large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He
even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and
fired
the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the
rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
the
sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
vomit
the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman
and
was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
7.. RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington
man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as
suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and
by
his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
a.. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun
shop.
b.. The shop was full of customers, in a state where
a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in
public places.
c.. To enter the shop, he had to step around a
marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
d.. An officer in uniform was standing next to the
counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.
The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn'tfire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....THOMPSON, MANATOBA,
CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was
killed
early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation
exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke.
She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a
safety
shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told
coworkers
that it was the only way he could stay warm during his
twelve-hour
shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to
forty
below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human
tissue
in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
>>
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack
of
beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in
line
with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about
a
tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the
anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns,
who
was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he
thought
Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to
NMSR
company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
And now for the latest entry..... here it
is....... this is it:
Here's the latest entry for the Darwin Awards.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to
score big
with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in
the mood, he
drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city
of Tucson.
They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city
lights. Overcome
by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they
stripped down,
made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.
The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of
thunder inside
them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of
lightning,
they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great
trees. Their
idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the
warm desert
nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the
high point on
the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and
sought the
path of least resistance straight down! Incredibly, he survived,
but was in
excruciating pain.
The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so
that the
lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl,
unfortunately,
did NOT survive the lightning strike!
When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his
girlfriend and
realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk
away from
her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made
him vomit
into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more
pain and
repeated vomiting until he
finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way
to the Siamese lovers
and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the
dead girl's
face. he student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was
little he could
do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became
dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly
crunching
her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted
the student,
scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun
weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car
was parked.
It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming
girlsdiscovered the
student, who had regained consciousness several times in the
night and had
managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about
20-feet. Doctors
managed to "successfully" separate the student from the
corpse, but Mr. Happy
looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state.
The first hint
of arousal resulted in so much pain,
that the student was unable - and unwilling---to achieve an
erection. Future
surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the
student's
family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum
mass," are
irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously,
we think
this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed
himself from
the gene pool.
Here are the latest Darwin Award nominees.
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those
individuals who
contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating
themselves from
the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with
milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into The
fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
his
House down, killing both him and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6 ft
2in tall
and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he
was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing
a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
a
hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and
3
inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end
for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very
awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to
moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their
pants
around their ankles.
4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father
was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down
on the
couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and
to start
CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the
ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on
arrival
at hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch,
and
noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon
flipping
the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently
the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm
the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. Los Angeles - Police officials would not release the name of a
Pacoima man who was found dead after complaints from neighbours
that a
Bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering, officers
were
Surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment,
including
appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with
pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect
was very
unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police.
"Because
everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall
ended and
a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however.
Police
described the man as having "concocted a wire frame
around his head,
upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently
so he
could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his
close-up
view of naked bodies." Small slits had been cut into the
paper so he
could find his way, but according to Hradj, "he had almost
no peripheral
vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude
with his
wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had
been dusting,"
said another police officer, "because a feather duster was
lying nearby,
and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which
was
chained to the ceiling." The man apparently choked to death
trying to
extricate himself.
6. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not
have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that
the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key
ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In
attempting
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman
lost her own.
7. A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that
he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and
the ground, "Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was
"major trauma".
8. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball.
The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalised.
9. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power,
etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the
lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses
later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket
and retrieving an object. that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of
the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of
as "bright" by his peers.
Page: © 1999 Rob's World ®
10/26/1999
