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Rob's World

1999 Darwin Awards




Yes, It is once again that time of year when we award those of our
population who have successfully removed themselves from the gene
pool in the most spectacularly idiotic way.


   1.. LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the
fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window
some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the
explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding
Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go
to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung
three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to
the hospital.

   2.. Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis
with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game
of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of themore traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. [must be themdamned 15-round magazines!]

   3.. PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic
dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat
it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was
really drunk."

   4.. In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their

   5.. MOSCOW, Russia- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see
if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the
25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the
>>Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

   6.. In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a
large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He
even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired
the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the
rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the
sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit
the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and
was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

   7.. RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by
his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
  a.. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
   b.. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
public places.
   c.. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
   d.. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn'tfire. No one else was hurt.


Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke.

She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers
that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour
shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty
below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue
in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of
beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line
with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a
tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the
anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.

Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who
was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought
Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR
company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.


And now for the latest entry..... here it is....... this is it:

Here's the latest entry for the Darwin Awards.

A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big
with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he
drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson.
They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome
by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down,
made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.

The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside
them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning,
they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their
idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert
nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on
the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the
path of least resistance straight down! Incredibly, he survived, but was in
excruciating pain.

The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the
lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately,
did NOT survive the lightning strike!

When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and
realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from
her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit
into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and
repeated vomiting until he
finally passed out.

Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers
and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's
face. he student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could
do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became
dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching
her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student,
scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.

Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked.
It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girlsdiscovered the
student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had
managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors
managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy
looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint
of arousal resulted in so much pain,
that the student was unable - and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future
surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's
family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are

Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think
this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from
the gene pool.


Here are the latest Darwin Award nominees.

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who
contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from
the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into The
fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his
House down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6 ft 2in tall
and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a
hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3
inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival
at hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and
noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping
the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons).  According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. Los Angeles - Police officials would not release the name of a
Pacoima man who was found dead after complaints from neighbours that a
Bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering, officers were
Surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including
appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with
pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very
unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because
everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and
a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police
described the man as  having "concocted a wire frame around his head,
upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he
could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up
view of naked bodies." Small slits had been cut into the paper so he
could find his way, but according to Hradj, "he had almost no peripheral
vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with his
wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting,"
said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby,
and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was
chained to the ceiling." The man apparently choked to death trying to
extricate himself.

6. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
lost her own.

7. A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground, "Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma".

8. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was

9. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket
and retrieving an object. that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of
as "bright" by his peers.


Robert Duncan

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Page: 1999 Rob's World