If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at that word itself. Mankind.Basically, it's made up of two seperate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry around two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just have "impressions" and if you got a different "impression" so what, can't we all be brothers?
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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