I have to write this.
Otherwise I won’t be able to deal.
I have to deal, have to calm down.
This is my catharsis, my theraphy,
Right here.
I have to figure out just what the fuck happened to my life.
My lovely little fantasy of what was,
What is,
What always was supposed to be
Just blew up.
Smashed to dust and lies and all these feelings I can’t even name.
Pain, betrayal, hate, grief, anger, pain, helplessness.
Pain, pain, pain
What happened here?
When did it start,
Why did it start?
Was there anything I could have done...
To stop this.
To prevent this.
To make it better.
It’s supposed to be my nature to help.
It’s what I do. I empathize, I offer ears and shoulders and positive energy, light candles for the ones who need me. I’m supposed to see these things coming.
I didn’t see this.
Not at all.
What the hell happened here?
He’s gone.
Gone.
The house is so... empty.
All his things, I took them for granted.
Why not?
After 18 years of them always being there,
For your entire life,
You kind of expect them to always be there when you come home.
The chair. The tables. The books and papers and CDs.
Gone.
And only the empty spaces are left to tell
That he was ever there at all.
He didn’t leave her.
He left US.
All of us.
He left.
I hate him so much right now,
More than I ever did before when I was mad at him.
I’m so angry at him.
I want so badly just to hurt him
And it takes all my will not to call him
Tell him I don’t want to see him.
Tell him all the things he doesn’t need to hear.
Guess what, dad, the tats are real, I’m not a virgin and FUCK YOU! Don’t come to my graduation, I don’t want to see you again unless you’re back in this house and FUCK YOU, you can’t tell me what to do anymore. You don’t live under the same roof as me. You can’t kick me out. You can’t tell me rules and regulations and times and schedules. Fuck you and your curfews and your phones and your checks and damn you why...
Ask him WHY WHY WHY!
Why is he doing it to us?
Why now?
Why couldn’t he have said something?
Why couldn’t he have waited…just a few more days?
Waited til graduation? Til I left? After 18 years, what’s a few days?
Why is this happening?
I love my friends.
I love my friends
I love my friends
I love my friends
I don’t know where I would be right now
Without them.
They are my life line,
My beacon, my saviors.
I love my friends.
I’ll deal with this. I will.
I’ll be okay.
I think.
