This section is a collection of random thoughts, musings, rants, etc, etc, etc. Sometimes you'll get my questions, sometimes my strange dreams, sometimes just WTF kind of paragraphs. I have the feeling that this is going to turn into a diary or something. That's not really what I'm going for, but if that is what it becomes, then so be it. Anyway, let's get started with this.

1/13/02
1/12/02

Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it?

I suppose I should do something to fill in the blank of the last year, but I really don't feel up to it right now. I really just want to rant and bitch at the moment. Seeing as how it's my webpage and I doubt anyone reads it, I'll just go right ahead.

I think I hate men. This is an unsettling developement since I used to really like them. But it seems like every one that I get close to ends up being either an asshole or completely, utterly clueless. Maybe I'm just being bitter or having a multi=year streak of bad luck. Who knows.

What I do know is that this is stupid. Terribly, completely stupid. If some other person was acting the way I am, I'd probably smile and try to be supportive, but once she was gone, I'd wonder why the hell she was doing this to herself. I wonder if that's what others are doing now... It's stupid and pathetic. And yet, I've been in this long rut of depression for the entire year so far. And most of it has been the result of various men/boys.

Pathetic, no?

Let's see... first there was the brat. He actually attempts to physically throw me out of 'his house' (translation: our mother's house), in front of my own mother. Does she tell him to shut the hell up, or go to his room, or anything like that? Nope. Just go back to bed, Bob, and *you*, you be quiet. Joyous.

I still wonder how he thought he would enforce this banishment. It isn't his house. He has no control on the locks or lease. If I didn't hate him so much, it would be funny.

So then I get the guilt trip conversation with Mom about how awful it is that the boy and I can't get along. She does not seem to understand that sometimes two people are just not meant to exist in the same area without some kind of clash. It's just not possible. And it seems to me that since I barely come home as is (for the most part this last semester, only the holidays and a birthday), that it shouldn't be that hard to get rid of him for a day or two. It would make things easier for all parties involved.

But no. No. Apparently that is not an option. So it looks like I won't be heading home any time soon. I left as soon as I could get out of there. Looks like Bob won that one.

So I go back home. College Station. Isn't that a sad thing; that in less than a year, it's become 'home'? Says a lot about the house, doesn't it? But the problem here is, I don't really like it here at all. Over the last week or so, I've been trying to find reasons why I bother staying here. Aside from a lease with six more months to go and school, I can't find any. I have a handful of friends that I barely see in real time anyway. I have some jobs, one of which I love, the other of which is completely interchangable with Starbucks. I have the apartment, with its vague sense of freedom. And that's about it.

You see, I had this vague plan. Over the holidays, I aqquired a new 'friend'. Yeah, yeah, that kind of 'friend'. And things had been going -at least in my mind - pretty well. I was having a lot of fun; and I thought he was as well. I was sort of hoping that he would be a good reason to like staying in College Station. Now I wasn't looking for relationships; I didn't care if he would never be some kind of boyfriend. I might have been pleased to get a Valentine's card, but I didn't particularly want anything beyond that. I just figured occasional playtime would make College Station life much easier.

But of course, things never go according to the plan.

And the whole thing is just so weird. Nothing like this has ever happened before, so I had no clue what to do with it or how to interpret things or how to feel.

See, he called me up on New Years Eve, basically for the sole purpose of inviting me over to play. Unfortunately, I wasn't in town. So the next night, when I pull into College Station, already a little hurt and depressed, I called him instead. I wanted someone to make me feel better about everything. Sex usually does that for me, at least for awhile. During that, and for awhile afterwards, everything is just one big glow. An author (I can't recall where I read this) accurately described it as 'shag drunk.' Very happy state of mind, that I did not get. Things did not go very well. They started out nicely enough, but...well... he couldn't really perform. This was a little odd, since it had not happened on prior occasions with him (or anyone else for that matter). But he played it off, didn't act like one of those guys in bad comedy/dramas. "Oh, this never happened before! My masculinity is threatened!" No, he was still the usual nice, sweet guy. He eventually left...

And promptly disappeared.

And he's confused?!

Dear friggin' gods.

But wait, there's more! To be continued...

So, everything went okay yesterday. Nothing disasterous happened (like someone predicted and I feared). It's okay. I'm happy.

As for the below question, I think the answer is yes. Love can be terrifying. It's new and intense and damned scary. I got the idea about that back when dad left. Love gives you so much power over a person. If they love you, you have the power to destroy them. But it didn't really hit home until these last few weeks, when I really started thinking about this. The consequences, the possibilities of what might have happened were so scary...couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else. Very scary.

Love can screw you up. But at the same time it's so joyous. Uplifting. And now that it's out in the open, it feels so much better. Before, I felt like it was wrong to feel this way, to want this. Or at least it would only hurt me - or others - in the end. But it's not, it doesn't. I worry too much.

Should love leave you terrified?

I feel like I don't really know anything anymore. I don't know just what exactly I'm feeling - or else I do and I'm just denying it - but it's... intense. I've never had anything this intense, this frightening.

I think I'm in love, boys and girls. I say 'think' because basically I've never been in what could be described as love. I've never had anything like this before, anything this intense. I can't stop thinking about...no..can't say it because the object(s) of my affection occasionally read the page and I haven't said anything yet. We shall call said object Bob. I can't stop thinking about Bob (okay, that sounds odd, but oh well). I want to be with Bob all the time. I'm happiest when I'm around Bob. A single email will make my day a little brighter. Bob tells the best stories, has a beautiful laugh, is so smart... I could listen to them talk for hours. The idea of doing something that would hurt them, make them unhappy with me is unthinkable. Couldn't do it.

But I might. See, I haven't said anything about this to them yet. I'm going to though. It has to be let out. It has to be said. And I don't know what sort of reaction I will get. It's terrifying because I don't know what will happen. It could be as good as I dreamed or as terrible as I fear. I don't know what will happen and I'm scared to death of the possibility. I don't want to lose them, but I can't stay in this limbo any longer. It's eatting me alive.

And I think that if it's this intense, that I'm this scared, then it must really be love, right? Otherwise, why would I be this afraid of losing them?

Well, here goes nothing...

I'm happy. I hurt and I'm tired and I don't know if I'll be able to stand up after I finish writing this, but it doesn't matter, I'm still happy. I can't say why I'm happy (shh, it's a secret and it's not mine), but life is good.

And that's pretty much it. Happy me (isn't that a change from the normal whining?)

Wow, two updates in the same month. I've impressed myself. :)

Brief ponder: what is this obsession with children and parenting? It's everywhere. Kids, kids, kids. I've told people before that I don't want children when I'm older. It's not that I don't like kids, I just have no burning desire to have one of my own. But for a few exceptions, the response has always been "You'll change your mind as you get older" or something to that effect. Funny, I had people saying the same thing when I started practicing Paganism. It hasn't changed yet. Somehow, I don't think the childfree aspect will change either.

I'm starting to worry about myself. With everything that's been going on, with the running back and forth between CS/B and Dallas and Austin and wherever 'my people' happen to be at the moment, I'm finding myself wondering what's wrong with me? It seems like my happiness has become dependant on other people. If I'm around 'my people' I'm happy. If I find I can't be around them, I get all depressed and useless. I don't understand this... It used to be that I was just fine being alone. Hell, half the time I preferred it. But that was years ago, back before I started finding real friends (not just the random playground aqquaintences and lunch table buddies). Now it's like an addiction. I have to have my friends to function. And more and more lately, I've found myself unable to be with them. What's wrong with me?

...

I don't want to do this. I want to have happy notes. I can't keep dwelling on these ick feelings or they'll never go away. And you know, there are happy notes. I've gotten some very cool birthday presents and my fridge finally came in so my dorm room is complete. I've got the room all to myself. Life is decent, pretty good. I just don't know why I can't stay focused on that.

Being happy is not about having everything go just the way you want it (that's impossible). It's about looking at your life and the things that don't go the way you like it and realizing they don't really matter.

It doesn't matter.

I never meant to go this long without updating but I guess things have been pretty out there lately. Brief recap of the last few months. I managed to get through high school, graduated, was accepted and enrolled at Texas A&M University (but I refuse to become a complete Aggie, I don't have that much school spirit). I got a new car. I love my Mustang to death, but I don't think it would have made one trip to College Station. I made some new leaps of understanding in the whole love/friendship/sex/relationship thing, and yet I still feel just as clueless about all of the above as I did before. My father left us two days before my graduation and said he wanted a divorce. I've seen him about two times since then. It's been about a month and a half. I could rant on it, but I've gotten it out of my system. Besides, who is going to see it that hasn't heard already? I had two wisdom teeth pulled and so I'm currently high on pain meds and antibiotics (fun). I can't feel my teeth. Or my arm for that matter. My class schedule is all finalized (science courses out the ass! Chem, Bio, Genetics, AgScience, labs for nearly all of the above, and my one prize non-science elective class, SciFi Literature. Hey, it's an English credit). Let's see, anything else? Um...went to Austin, got a new tattoo (picture coming soon), planning a few more, got a job at Starbucks (which I love but must soon leave, very sad). And that's about it for the most part. I'm sure I'll find more things to rant or talk about later, but this is just a brief catch up.

Now on to the total webpage overhaul!

It's been awhile hasn't it? Life is hectic.

I'm starting to get really, really tired again lately. It's vaguely like the phase I went through a few years ago, but different. I'm not so unhappy all the time. I have my own little respites and havens outside my home that were missing then. The problem, once again and as it probably always will be, is home. My parents are... damn, I don't even know how to sum them up anymore. It used to be so easy. Not anymore. I love them, I hate them, I look up to them, I pull away from them, I mimic them, I don't want to be like them. Contradictions, contradictions, contradictions. They're so smart, and yet they never seem to really understand how much they hurt me.

And they wonder why it is I spend so much time holed up in my room or out of the house to all hours of the night. They wonder why I don't tell them where I go. Gods, they can be so stupid.

And since when the hell is just existing supposed to be flaunting anyway?! God.

I'm starting to think I am a severely fucked up individual. Or at the very least, all my ideas about relationships are. I've come to think that maybe I have no real line between friendship and love. It's like whenever I get a really good male friend, I start to get the world's worst crush on him. It's happened so many times over the last few years, and it really shreds me up inside. Every time it happens, it always happens when nothing good can come of it. Either they have girlfriends or they just don't think about me in 'that way' or it would just never work. And it's so fucked up. I really hate this, but I can't stop it. Maybe it's a lack of experience thing, or maybe it's a lack of self esteem, but whatever it is I can't figure it out.

I hate this.

12/29/99

I'm getting a craving for a tattoo again. Now, not only do I want the dreamcatcher, I found a conji (congi?) symbol that I love too. The symbol means "To be different." It just clicked. Have you ever had anything that just called out to you?

12/27/99

Seeing as how this is the first entry, I feel like I ought to have something major or at the very least thought provoking. But all I really have right now is a random thought about coffee beans. Ah well.

Do you think that chocolate covered espresso beans cancel each other out? Think about it, you've got the chocolate that gives you all the calories and sugar and fat. But at the same time, you get a jolt of caffeine that pumps up your metabolism. So do you work off all those calories and sugar with the caffeine?

I had the weirdest dream last night. There were these zombies, the rotting, human flesh-eatting kind, attacking the house. There were a few kids there with me (none of them that I knew in the Waking World, but ah well) and we were trying to keep the zombies from eatting one of the other kids who was hanging from...the ceiling? A chandelier? The stairs? Who knows. But anyway, strangely enough, the zombies could be driven back by breaking (of all things) tea cups in their faces. It's the strangest one I've had in awhile.