Why I Hate Love
Oh gods, he was beautiful. His arm was draped over her shoulder and she turned to look up into his warm brown eyes. He was all warmth, from his smiles to his tanned skin to his gingery-brown hair. He flashed that smile, a splash of distilled sunshine, and something inside her melted. Then he leaned in to kiss her...
Only, it was not her.
Mary looked away for a moment, unable to watch them. But they were her friends, they would know. So her eyes flickered back to them and a forced, wryly tolerant smile hung on her mouth like artificial flowers.
Something inside her froze.
It was always like that, the melting and freezing. Every time he was around, especially when she was there. Whenever they kissed like that, whenever they looked at each other like that - damn them and their beautiful sunshine glances - whenever they drifted into their own little world where she did not exist even if she was right next to them, her heart broke just a little bit.
Melting, freezing, breaking.
So fragile. A heart like water, always changing.
And icy drops were falling all the way down to her feet.
~I hate love.~
But they were her friends. They were her best friends and they were good for each other. That was what made it even worse. If he had been with a bitchy little trendie girl or a groupie, she could have easily despised her. Maybe even shown him the error of his ways, and then maybe he would want her instead… But this was not some random chick. This was Sera. Her best friend, Sera. The one who had gotten her through so many problems, the one who had saved her from herself a dozen times, the one who talked her through the countless nights when it felt like no one else cared. Sera, who deserved more than anybody - except maybe him - to be happy.
And it was not just Sera. It was him too. They were so… perfect. Every time she thought about him like that, even contemplated them not being together, she felt as though she was spitting on a monument. Defiling something wondrous and holy. There was no way she could ruin something so pure.
The weirdest thing was that even when her heart was melting and freezing and breaking and melting again, there was this feeling of… warmth was the only way she could really describe it. The warm fuzzies Sera talked about. It was like she was seeing the end scene of a great fairy tale, where the prince and princess live happily ever after. Every time they kissed.
~I hate being in love. I never should have done it...~
It was stupid to begin with, a Jump Off the Bridge incident. It was just a wish spell, like they had done ever since they were little kids, singing Jiminy Cricket up to the stars. And everybody wished for love. ~Why not,~ she had shrugged. ~Maybe I'm ready.~ But love spells and wishes have a tendency to jump back at you.
All of a sudden, she loved him and nothing was ever the same again. Oh sure, she tried to play like nothing had changed. She would never ever tell either of them. It would go with her to the grave, oh yes. It was her fault really. She had not asked for him, but when she looked at the traits she thought of when she made the wish, they fit him completely. She brought it upon herself. And she could never let them know it. Gods, what if that somehow broke them? What if - as she had day dreamed every now and then during class - she did tell him, and it turned out that he had always wanted her, but Sera was the closest he could come to her (oh ye gods, the sacrilege of breaking that perfect couple)? What if...
~Don't start. It won't ever happen, and you know it.~
Somewhere in the air, as if it were being played from someone's open dorm room window, the soft strains of "Golden Arrows" started playing. She glanced down at the spiral, at the scattered lyrics she had been constructing and sighed.
“Look at you.
You are….
You are….
Words cannot say.
Beautiful and wonderful and wise
With the greatest set of… eyes.
And I think, given the chance
I could… maybe…
If you would just give me a glance…
Maybe…
Strike me down with golden arrows,
Gods, why is this happening to me?
Mischief and malice upon you, Eros,
For doing this to me…
My friend, I think
Sometimes it's not fair
We've got this link
But she wouldn't share
And neither would I
If I had you…
But you don't know
And I can't tell
Can't hurt you two.
Can’t hurt you too.
Strike me down with golden arrows,
Gods, why is this happening to me?
Mischief and malice upon you, Eros,
For doing this to me…
Why'd you have to be so grand?
And why'd you have to touch my hand
When we talked?
Why'd you have to be so… you?
I want you but I can't have you
Cuz you love her.
And we're just friends.
And I'm the odd man out…
Eros, strike me down with arrows
Gods, why are you doing this to me?
I didn't ask for this!
But I can hide it.
I really can.
I'll keep it down deep
So I can keep you here...
So I won't lose you.
Even if the only way
I can have you
Is as a good friend.
Just friends.
But maybe…?"
~Just… just try not to think about it for awhile, okay? You know it would never work.~ She shut the spiral and slipped it into her bag. “Hey guys? I’m still here y’know.” The artificial smile never wavered as they broke apart, their own smiles just a little sheepish. “We’d better get going. Kinsey is opening up the Dive for us to practice in a few.” He glanced at his watch and Sera sighed.
“We’d best go then,” she said, hopping off the bench and picking up her flute case.
“I suppose so.” He stood, looked back at her. “C’mon, Mary, let’s be off.” He pulled her to her feet, smiled that smile at her. Something inside melted.
Gods, he had absolutely no clue.
But in the end, he took Sera’s hand, and they all walked together off the campus.
