Equivocal rambling factor: 12
For a subject as deep as the one I will attempt to examine I figured something more tangible and personal was in order. Plus this way drawing is in order. Inspired by your emails and my own recent thoughts on our relationship I decided to get to writing town.
We certainly are different. Boy howdy! As far as theories go, yours is key, and a catchy name to boot (level theorem). Agreed, we are on different levels. At my level I can sit alone in a chair for hours at a time and be thoroughly entertained. **chair drawing** It is a level with limited applications to the social society that we happen to live in. I think I am a born loner. Where you stand in the grand scheme of the level theorem I only wish I knew. You continue with the consistent correctness: for clicking to occur a new and improved mutual level should be reached. Oh how sweet clicking would be. One of my theories on us is that we have similar personalities. They are submissive weak personalities. You and I are apt to go with the flow and have a slight aversion to decision making. . Sean and his X both had strong commanding personalities. They were constantly arguing. It seems that combinations of like personas have more difficulties. It may also be a lame and uninformed observation. Maybe we should argue sometime for the sake of arguing. Hey, I think that thing that you like a lot sucks. No I donít, im sorry.
For me, you are the crush that is referred to in chain letters. Unfortunately I have 10 billion years of bad luck and I am death 30 times over. Never mind that though. This high school adventure that is coming to a close very soon has involved much thought on the subject of stephanie. Over this time you have come to be my dream girl. I have put you on a pedestal. **nice pedestal drawing "box of stupendous synonymous with stephanie** When I look through my high school journal there is scant an entry that does not mention you or is wholly about you. In my entry after the winterfest of Friday december the 4th of sophomore year I wrote, "At this point I have labeled it the best time of my life." I have a feeling I enjoyed our chat that night.
Last year is somewhat of a haze. I avoided you very much. It is true that I was unhappy with eva. My avoidance of you was for the purposes of maximum resistance to the grand temptress that you are. I felt guilty for not being wholly committed to eva and then for ending it. Despite that, there are three occasions that I recall very vividly how hazy they were if that makes any sense. The first two being encounters between us while walking in the hall. We crossed paths as I got out of physics. I donít deny that mr. Wiley is a great teacher and that I enjoy physics, but at that hour I was powerless against falling asleep in class. As I walked down the hall in my drowsy zombie manner you came out of the oncoming crowd and hugged me. I hugged back as I only know how and I looked down at you as the embrace persisted. Our eyes locked. In that instant I awoke with great amazement with what I held in my arms. I felt as if I was obligated to initiate a kiss. You are so beautiful. The second time you caught me in the same hall in the same drowsy unconscious state. This time you presented me with a gift. You gave me that pulley. As I received it you stood waiting for some acknowledgment. I didnít know where what or who. I know I said something stupid and ass holeish. I apologize. I really was pleased with it. The gesture in itself was monumental. It was also useful in the initial stages of the hole. The last of the events I am not so sure of. I donít know if I imagined it or if it happened or if I even exist. I was leaning against a couch in the lounge after school right before thanksgiving break. You emerged from the passing crowd once again like some stealthy ninja and gave me a peck on the cheek. Not a check on the peak mind you. It still boggles me. Oh glorious seductress you have such a super power over me.
With you up so high in my head, whenever I am with you I donít feel like I am there. I feel as though I am an observer. I feel separated from the action, watching in awe as you conduct yourself in that wondrous way. You have an aura that puts me in a daze. I think I have high standards, though they deviate from conventional ones they are quite stringent. In my eyes you have far exceeded them. You are lilu (nice rack) from the fifth element and I am corban dallas minus the heroic prowess and futuristic good looks. You are that something that I cant have, you are that something that interests me because of your inaccessibility. I would be much more suited courting a stuffed animal (i.e. tickle me elmo. Elmo: "heh heh, that tickles" me: "you damn right it does. How bout you and me get some barbecue")
The melting you spoke of in front of the government class sounds like the experiences I have with your smell. I melted for an entire period in calculus once. By the end I was but a puddle of a person.
Now that my wish has come to fruition, what am I to do?
I have noticed that I think youíre this stupendous being and that you have alluded to me being a grand guy and that both of us have doubt if we are worthy.
God, eh? When I think of god I see a man that resembles myself but obviously not me, sitting at a desk, wearing glasses, going through some papers. The desk is set atop a cloud and the cloud is over the earth as a whole. Rays of light all about. Its lousy and cliché but thatís all I got. I border between atheist and agnostic. Fist and foremost my lack of god belief is probably from not being brought up on it. My mother has been anti organized religion for as long as I have known her, which is about my age plus 3 months. As I have grown older and began to acquire some of my own ideas I have persisted in my disbelief. I think I donít believe because I donít want to believe that an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent thing is out there able to do things. Its preposterous. I like the idea that things happen for no real reason. I cant really explain it. I myself probably donít understand. Today as I undressed to shower I had one of those moments where I was unsure if what I was doing was the present or a memory or a dream or if I even exist. When I got naked the feeling faded. Reality check.