You won't like it, but.


4/21/02 5:08:40 AM !!!First Boot!!!



Sent from the Internet (Details)

Crashing Bars never felt so good against my skin. They never felt so good crashing. They never felt so good without the pain reliever. With out the Demerol.

Swimming at night never felt so good. Never felt so good without you staring at me. Without you holding my head down.

I thought the other day about what we've been through and where we've been, and realized it was all but a swim at the beach. Nothing close to what I thought It was. It never really had been. It never really had been. Just like you.

I always loved saying that with the half-smile you said destroyed you

"Never has been just like you" I said with a half smile.

I suppose the reason I loved to listen to surf music, is because it reminds me of water. Water is my deathly scare. My deadly love. That's where I put all my Aspirin. That's where I put what we had. That wonderful relationship of "Hit me again, I love to be hit. Kiss me again baby, I love it more then being hit." That wonderful relationship we had.

Under the water.

I like dancing to commercials, and sitting on top of you. I never felt more in the control, but then again that's where you can judge me. And you know how tired I am of being judged, by you. With Everyone else it's as sweet as a lemon drop.

"You can't write, You can't. You don't know how." "You never could" "You never will"

Because baby your fat, and ugly, and no ONE is ever going to love you like I did. Like I did. Because I loved you better then the rest,. And you know what? You did take my virginity, but I never wanted to tell you because you're a slut, and it always made you feel better to think that I was too.

She didn't RAPE ME! Because we all know men can't be raped unless they want it. Because what goes up, must come down.

And boy, did I come down. After SHE walked in the room.

You were good to me baby. I was good to you. Better then you deserved.

So I went out to the car with them. We drank a couple of drinks, smoked a couple of cigarettes. Then, one of them grabbed my arm pulled down his pants, and you know what comes next. And I said No, and No and No. And They didn't hear me, because they were screaming too loud, SHUT UP, YOU KNOWWWW YOU LIKE IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Because you're a slut, and we aren't.

Because if I have a girlfriend, and he has a girlfriend, and you have a boyfriend, it's not really cheating

Because who knows, they could be out there doing the same thing.

Well is it cheating if you stick your dick in my face and tell me to shut up?

No it isn't.

Because that's reserved for rape. If it's considered that,

I hate hiding the fact that you told me I was the best thing to ever happen to you, and that I deserved more then him.

But yet you tried to have sex with me when I didn't want it.

You said, "Baby! I love you! You have the prettiest eyes" You pushed your face into mine. "Baby you have the prettiest eyes,. Look me in the eyes when I?m talking to you bitch!" You grabbed my chest what little chest I have when I am backing away from you into a car door. That window handle never hurt so bad pushing into my skull deeper into my skull until I bled wine. And you drank it

Then I said to him without him knowing: See baby! This is what happened. They touched me and would not let me hurt. They touched me and told me I liked it. But, Baby. I didn't. I can't tell you his though because you're better then spearmint gum,. You're better to me then that. And I need you, but baby, I can't tell you that either. Because if I say I LOVE YOU. You'll turn and run

Because I'm a slut and I like it.

Because I'm a slut and I like it

I always liked when he told me that I didn't deserve him, and that I was fat and ugly and I deserved nothing from him and his nubbins.

I love you dimity damn damn.

And you aren't listening to me, because I'm talking to a surf CD that no one else can hear. And it's today and I should be stoned right now forgetting about all of this but I can't because I hurt too much.

And my dear friend knows, and I told her how they grabbed me , and she said "we'll tell their moms what kind of BOYS they are." And I said "yes, well tell them". But don't tell him, he won't like me anymore if I do, all the time knowing that I LOVE HIM. Not like him.

And I don't need the lemon drops or skinny little bubblegum, canes. I don't need that. I need to write and have the screen pulsate and I need to write and have the screen cry. And pens are no good anymore for the working class. Pens are no good. It's all about the type type type keep up with the beat. Who needs commas. Who needs pens. Who needs this and that, When I have you to break my rhythm.

I am better. Type type type I am not stopping for typos because type type type

My thought was just broken for taco rico. Whish is good because I would have burst into tears had you let me, I would have burst into tears had I done that. I would have burst into tears, had they touched me anymore, had he forced his hand up my shirt anymore. Had I not pretended that I wasn't there. But in the orchard along the way. Chasing dogs. Being chased by dogs. Breaking those bottles on the talking grapefruit. You know what? Only in
America can You find talking grapefruit. Only in Texas can you find talking grapefruit. So I guess we don't ride horses to school instead we get thrown and hit and beat and forced to let them grab our breasts. But wait not all of you that know what I'm talking about have breasts. But wait you do. Because only one of you know what I'm talking about. I'm still afraid to tell the only other one that I care about what happened. Because baby, you know he'll turn and run he'll turn and run and run himself straight back to that side of where he lived.

FUCK and I AM crying now,. Because I have nothing else to do, because it's national friendship day and your gone and he's gone. And anyone that matters is sitting at home doing this exact same thing. They're sitting at home doing this exact same thing

Except they aren't listening to this cd. He's listening to townshend writing about HER. And he's sitting at home writing about how he'll be moving to
Austin soon, except he's drawing out.

And you my baby sweetness, have no idea what's running through my head right now, That I want to tell you that I love you. Because your out serving the youth their cake.

And I do not think I can stand it anymore, and there's a reason I didn't take my medicine today, and there is a reason I didn't live today,. And there is a reason that sounds like a printer. I should print this out, and show it to you, and make you hold me and kiss me and tell me that it will all be okay in 456 days. But I can't because YES AGAIN I am still to afraid to hear you say that You don't love me back, and that you have better things to do then worry about some girl that just got her head pushed into a window. Even though she shows no scars.

My scars are here! Pulls up sleeve. My scars are here. This is what I have for going back in time. For going back in time and thinking about the fact that he told me he loved me , and he told me he loved me, and that no one would ever love me the way he did. And that I was fat. When I knew goddamn well that I WAS JUST BIG BONED. And that I knew god damned well, that saying god damn is going to send me to hell, with him and his nobility. FUCK

Here I am straight back at the beginning where I started off, and you are probably tired of reading my words. And Fuck
if I say it now will you hate me? I love you. Hate me if you will.