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Ok for those of you who are not on my ICQ list, or you are and are using ACLIO or some other mass message blocking software, you are not familiar with Billy Bob and Ricky Ray. So let me fill you in.
First off.......Billy Bob and Ricky Ray ARE NOTreal people. They are strictly people that I made up one morning before I was going to work. So please don't be insulted. This is SUPPOSED to be a humorous little story that is not intended to insult anyone. So enjoy and let your funny side take over.
Just try to remember that some of these situations are derived from things that I have actually experienced while working EMS. NOT ALL OF THEM, but just some. Most of it is just stuff from my own demented little mind. I mean after all I usually come up with the story at about 4:30 in the morning after no more than four hours of sleep.
Also remember that this is a weekly thing, if you like it please send me some email abput it. if you don't like it..........don't read it. Isn't that easy?
Yes this week we explore the wonderful world of Billy Bob Bunker and his best friend Ricky Ray Randolph. You see Billy Bob swears that he can catch that 30-30 bullet with his teeth. Well ole Ricky Ray bets he can't. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to this thrilling episode. .........YALL HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hugs and smooches to the ladies
This weekend on "As The Ambulance Wheels Turn", we discover that Billy Bob chickened out on catching the bullet. Thus the woman of his desire, Raylene, has decided she just cant handle dating a wimp like him. Billy Bob just found out that Raylene has moved in with Ricky Ray. Ricky Ray has decided that in order to protect his new love he had to install protective measures around the house, .i.e ."Bear Traps".this is gonna be good
In the last episode Ricky ray now had Raylene..Billy Bob was determined to get her back. Ricky Ray suspected as much and had set out protective measures. in the aftermath, Billy Bob attempting to prove his love for Raylene tried breaking into Ricky Ray's house. yet Ricky Ray's plan worked flawlessly. Billy Bob got bit twice by a rattllesnake Ricky Ray had set out. one bite on the leg and one more when Billy Bob bit the snake back
Billy Bob and Ricky Ray are back and better than ever baby. after biting a rattlesnake for biting him; Billy Bob wound up in the hospital. Raylene feeling sorry for the stricken Billy Bob has once again dumped Ricky Ray to be at the bedside of Billy Bob. Ricky Ray; not one to easily give up on love has now taken a job at the hospital as a janitor. OH YEAH!!!, Billy Bob's favorite X-mas gift? the new rebel flag and raccoon tail he got from Granny
Billy Bob wakes, looks around his room and to his surprise there sits Raylene. she stands and walks across the room, looks down at him, smiles her wonderful three toothed smile. and says, "You killed that snake real good Billy Bob." Billy Bob then realized how lucky he was. no one in his family had been able to keep all of their teeth past the age of 30, here Raylene was and she still had three left and she was 35. He knew this was the woman for him
Poor Ricky Ray sat in his chair. he had heard the ultimate compliment Billy Bob had paid Raylene. Commenting on her three remaining teeth was just more than he could overcome. maybe he would move back to Bucksnort and go to work for his cousin Bobby Jack. after all Bobby Jack had the only garage in Bucksnort and Ricky Ray knew he could stay there at the shop. besides in Bucksnort you can have all the cars you want in your front yard
Ricky Ray slowly packed his belongings. "How do I fit my cable spool table in the back of my truck?" he thought to himself .carefully he packed his miniature depiction of Snotlocker that was made entirely of cut up Budweiser beer cans and the first pace ribbon he won with it at the city's "Grits Festival" it was hard leaving the town he had grown up in but Ricky Ray was a survivor. he vowed to return to Snotlocker with a full set of teeth
Billy Bob's hospital stay was over. he had recovered as fully as he was able. of course now his upper lip was only half there. he walked slowly to the waiting crowd, this was going to be his first family reunion in years. would Raylene be accepted? she was after all a THIRD cousin, but still she was family, and after all she had THREE real teeth. that had to help. Granny walked slowly towards him, spit tobacco juice on the ground and.......
Ricky Ray was back in Bucksnort just in time for the Fall Festival. he had planned on coming back anyway and had been training for the "big event".when he wasn't trying to win Raylene's affections, he had been working out. sweat had poured from his brow, long hours in the yard trying to gain that all important extra inch. he had gone through three pouches if Red Mann a day, his goal....winning the Tobacco juice spitting contest this year
Granny looked at Billy Bob and Raylene with a hard eye. it was the left eye that was hard. she had lost it when she was 45 in a barroom fight. Although it was glass, the family knew it as "Granny's hard eye". she smiled her toothless smile, well toothless except for the one in front, and welcomed Billy Bob and Raylene to the family reunion."LOOK EVERYONE, ITS COUSIN RAYLENE, BILLY BOB'S NEW GALFRIEND!" things were good now.
Ricky Ray just couldn't get Raylene off of his mind. He secretly kept a picture of her in his velcro billfold and stared at it each night..Meanwhile Billy Bob and Raylene were enjoying the family reunion. most of the family had never seen a woman Raylene's age with three real teeth before. Granny impressed everyone with her expectorating abilities and Billy Bob bathed in the attention of having a woman of such high class and breeding.
Raylene showed off her " Billy Ray Cirus " tattoo and got " ooh's and ahh's " from all the ladies. That was the one touchy point between she and Billy Bob, he felt threatened by the tattoo. Meanwhile, Ricky Ray concentrated on training for the upcoming competition at the county fair. This year that trophy was gonna be his. He needed a new spitoon anyway and what better way to get it than to win it. But he knew his competition would be tough
The procession of Ford pickups left the Bunker reunion and headed for the County Fair. Granny took her usual place riding "shotgun" in the first pickup. As champion for the past 7 years no one had the nerve to try to de-throne her. Billy Bob and Raylene brought up the rear as a crescendo of Ford exhaust echoed through the valley. with a hardy "YEHAW" the family was on their way
The Bunker clan pulled into the parking area in a cloud of dust. Billy Bob, who was driving Granny, did a few doughnuts in the parking lot to announce their arrival. although Granny never stated it, she loved doing doughnuts. With the accuracy of a seasoned pro, Granny spit out the window and nailed the yellow jacket sitting on a rock. She was ready, her foes damn sure better be. She planned on yet another record this year
The competition had been tough. Ricky Ray had made it to the finals as had Granny. Now they stood, poised at the line ready to prove who had the best "spit". Granny was still a little dizzy from the doughnuts in the parking lot but had managed to better her previous years record of 26' 7 and 3/4". Ricky Ray had matched her effort with another 26' 7 and 3/4". being the challenger Ricky Ray was up first. He pukered, steadied himself and............
With all his might, Ricky Ray launched a salvo . He had the perfect arch, good distance, and with a resounding SPLAT, Ricky Ray had topped last years distance . 27' 2 and 1/2 inches. Granny's challenge was a great one but the whole Bunker clan felt that the matriarch of the family was up to it. Granny made her way to the line. eyeing Ricky Ray with a practiced stare. Ricky Ray was nervous now. Was this little old lady gonna show him up?
Granny rode to the line in her wheeled throne, well ok it was actually a wheel chair that Billy Bob had reworked to be an exact replica of the "Big Foot" monster truck. Granny stood at the line and assumed her award winning stance, the crowd grew deathly quiet, Ricky Ray worried. Beads of sweat began to develop on his forehead, Granny worked her jaws into her perfect form " spitting lips", she took a deep breath, she shook slightly and ........
Granny's lips pukered, she stood with her toes at the line, her eyes went wide, she clutched her chest..... and fell face first into the mud with a dull splat. She wasnt moving at all. Bubba then line judge gently kicked her in the side. "Granny?" She wasn't breathing or moving. Ricky Ray didnt know whether to be happy or alarmed. "SOMEONE DO THAT ESP THANG!!!" a voice called. "You mean that CPR deal Jimmy Jack?" another called. "Yep that's it."
Ricky Ray couldn't believe his luck. Oh sure he was sort of sad for old Granny. Afterall she was the one that showed him how to use a firecracker to blow up lizards, and she was also the one that helped him figure out how to put mud grips on his bicycle. But still, if she really did croak this time. HE WAS CHAMP!!! He looked on while Earl and Jed lifted her into the back of Billy Bobs truck for the ride to the hospital. He couldnt help but smile.
The Bunker Clan sat outside Granny's room. She was now patient number 37. And she demanded as much attention as any other patient there. Of course Bessie the cow carried her own importance here. Granny was a patient in Bucksnorts city hospital and vet clinic. Only the most critical patients came here. Billy Bob and Raylene waited out in the waiting room and admired the Coon hound pups Freddie Jo had brought in for their shots. Will Granny live?
Gertrude the nurse sat watching a rerun of Hee Haw, this one was a favorite of hers. The black clad figure walked silently by without making a sound. Gertrude never noticed the entrance. The door to Granny's room opened slowly and quietly. The figure placed a pakage on Granny's stomach and silently turned and left. The whole exchange had taken less than thirty seconds. A Momma dog across the hall growled softly and the figure disappeared.
Gertrude got up and made her rounds. She first checked on Sadie the border collie down the hall. Sadie had gotten ahold of a porcupine and wasn't feeling to sharp. Gertrude next checked on Granny. She looked up at the monitor and saw a flat line running across the screen. With a slap to the side of the monitor the line jumped back into it normal rythm and continued its path across the screen. Gertrude never noticed the package on Granny's stomach
Ricky Ray walked slowly into "The Bent Spoon". It was the classiest cafe in town. He slowly looked over the menu. Wow they had five main courses now insteadof just three like last week. Guess ol Berl had been watching them cooking shows on TNN again. Rick Ray heard a voice ask, " Kin I hep ya?" He looked up and that was when it happemed. Their eyes met, his heart began to race, she smiled around the toothpick stuck in her front teeth,both of them
Ricky Ray couldnt speak. he sat there looking at the beauty before him. "Whats yore name honey?" She asked. "R R R Ricky Ray" he responded. "Well Rick, my name is Zelda, now you want sumthin to eat?" Ricky Ray couldnt help but stare. Zelda's eyes were enchanting. Well one was anyway. The other looked off in another direction and seemed to have a mind of its own. It would apparently settle on Ricky Ray for a second or two the drift off again
Billy Bob and Raylene slowly walked into Granny's room. Sadie the border collie across the hall had gone home, so now all of Gertrude's attention could be focused on Granny. Billy Bob saw the box laying on Granny's stomach. He started to reach for it when he heard a voice say. " DONT TOUCH IT!". He looked over his shoulder and saw Zeb, the only city police officer. "That thang might be boobie trapped Billy Bob. Could be a bomb in thar."
Billy Bob looked at the black package on Granny's stomach. " A bomb ?" he thought. He slowly picked the box up and started to open it. Raylene hid behind the closet door looking out timidly. The wrapping came off and Billy Bob lifted off the top. There inside sat a shining , gleaming...........new spittoon. A blue forst place ribbon tied around it. At the bottom of the box was a note. " I couldnt take this away from you Granny." Was all it said.
Ricky ray sat in his pick-up and wondered aloud, " If I could have a woman like that Zelda, OH MAN, I would NEVER worry about anything again." Just about that time Zeek pulled up in his '76 Ford LTD. Zeek opened the passanger side door for his date Suzi. Suzi wasnt your typical woman, in fact she wasnt a human. Suzi was a sheep that Zeek had decided he loved now that his wife had run off with that Hoover salesman.
Lou Lou was happier than she had ever been in her life, now that she had left that loser Zeek for a man with a future; Bubba Joe, or BJ as he was known to his friends. BJ had been selling Hoovers for about three years now and had built a good customer base. Or so he said. Lou Lou was on her way to meet BJ now at the hotel room they had rented together. As she entered that was when she saw him. Standing there in a passionate embrace...............
Lou Lou couldnt believe what she saw. BJ was standing there, slowly swaying , locked in a passionate embrace and singing at the top of his lungs....... " HOOVER.........NOBODY DOES IT LIKE YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Lou Lou was crushed. She slowly turned away and started to leave. Not knowing where she would go. Maybe she could patch things up with Zeek. Suddenly BJ turned and saw her . He stopped in mid-sentence. Too surprised to be embarassed .
Granny was ready to go home. She had been in this hospital long enough. Besides , Sadie the border collie had gone home a week ago and she had delivered pups. Granny looked over and saw the heart monitor beeping away and decided to have a little fun with the nursing staff. She reached over and unplugged one of the wires on her chest. Nothing happened. She unplugged another, still nothing. She threw her bedpan at the wall. Now there was a response.
Zeek woke up and looked for Suzi. He had heard her leave the house earlier but had no idea where she went. Then he spotted her. Out there in the field with the other sheep. She seemed to be making eyes at that ram out there. Zeek was enraged. First his wife and now his sweet Suzi. He turned and stomped back into the house, heading for the gun cabinet. Just as he unlocked the cabinet he heard a voice. "Zeek?" He turned. There she stood, smiling..
Zeek stood there feeling dumb. Lou Lou asked," What are you doing Hon?" Then she turned and looked over her shoulder to see what Zeek was staring at. All she saw were the sheep out in the field. Lou Lou was not a stupid woman. She added 2 and 2 and as with everyone in bucksnort, got 5. Zeek was after another sheep. Well she couldnt blame him. Suzi was a cute little one. But hadnt they covered that in marriage counseling 2 years ago?
Ricky Ray sat in his pick-up and gathered his nerve. He was dressed to the nines, white patent leather shoes, green polyester leisure suit, white tie. he had even had his hair cut. he was going to impress Zelda. He walked into The Bent Spoon, he felt the stares upon him. He walked with confidence though. Not many people here had seen such a site. He projected the class and breeding of Bucksnort's upper class. He had it going now, he was The Man .
Zelda was busy abd didnt see Ricky Ray walk in. The sudden silence caught her attention and she turned to see what was going on. Then she saw him. Sitting there dressed in an emerald green polyester liesure suit. Collar open and shirt unbuttoned down to the fourth button. Zelda dropped three plates, to stunned to notice at first. She was mezmerized. Ricky Ray smiled nervously, doing his best to be coy. Zelda waked over after picking up the plates
Billy Bob and Raylene walked out of the hospital behind Granny. Billy Bob ran ahead and opened the door for her. " GET AWAY FROM THAT DAMN DOOR! " Granny yelled. She was mad. She had expected to go home weeks ago. Granny hit the door with all the force a 76 year old woman could hit a door with. The door barely opened enough for her to walk thru it. She stepped outside, the fresh air felt good in her lungs. She smiled,spit and walked to the truck
Billy Bob, Raylene and Granny all walked to the pick up. Raylene headed for the passenger side when she was caught by Granny's stare. Making a good recovery she opened the door and allowed Granny to take her seat. Raylene walked to the other side and got in. Billy Bob started the Ford and drove off. Granny sat there watching the scenery and started to lean out the window. She spit out the window and landed a salvo right on the only cop,Jimmy Earl
Jimmy Earl wiped the spit off the back of his neck and was mad at first. He looked up and saw Granny smiling and waving as Billy Bob's truck drove off. "Well Granny is feeling better I see." he said. Meanwhile Ricky Ray sat in the broken spoon trying to think of the best way to ask Zelda out. Finally he spoke." How would you like to come over to my place for dinner sometime?" he asked. Zelda stood there for a moment not knowing what to say.......
Zelda regained her composure and looked Ricky Ray straight in the eye. " And what do you have in mind?" Ricky Ray hadnt thought about that yet. He was doing good jujst dealing with the fact that for the first time in his life he was actually wearing socks. "How do people wear these all the time?" he thought to himself. "Well to be honest I was hoping you would say yes first, then I was gonna worry about what to have." he heard his voice say.
Zelda's right eye lid began to twitch, then it shot to the left side of her head giving her a one eyed/crosseyed look. Zelda slapped herself on the side of her head and the eyeball centered itself again. Ricky ray tried not to stare at her but couldnt help himself. "That was prettu cool. Can you do it again?" he asked. Zelda smiled and shook her head no, "Damnedest thing, never does it when I wont it to." Ricky Ray had a feeling about this one
Ricky Ray walked from the Bent Spoon to his truck. His head was spinning and he felt like his feet werent even hitting the ground. the first thing he had to do was GET OUTOF THESE DAMN CLOTHES! First things first though, the socks came off first. " How did people put up with them?" he put his coveralls back on while Zephyr the Coon dog watched from under the shade of the a/c unit shack. Zelda had said yes. Ricky Ray had himself a date
Granny sat on the front porch and watched the dogs chewed on smething they had drug in from the field. Granny was happy now, she was out of the hospital and she knew that all those machines they had her hooked up to were nothing more than just a way for them to keep her out of next years contest. Granny reached into her pocket and pulled out the match book she kept there. She folded it twice and began picking the fried squirrle out of her teeth
Ricky Ray was nervous. He couldnt decide what he should have for dinner. Should he cook? Should he order from somewhere in town? Well ordering from town was easily ruler out, other than The Bent Spoon, the only thing to eat here in town was the fried burrittos down at the Pac-nSac. Suddenly Ricky Ray's brain kicked into overdrive. Fried burrittos could be covered up with chili. Ricky Ray made some of the best chili in the county. Or so he thought
Ricky Ray called the local Pac-nSac and told Gus what he needed. "Gus I am tellin ya this here woman is flat purty." he said. Gus replied with his usual "Yep". "I am going to need about a dozen of them fired bureetos from ya on Friday night. Got it?" "Yep" Gus replied again. Ricky Ray hung up and looked around the house. He was gonna have to clean up he saw. The springs were pokig thru on the bench seat out of a 1970 Impala he used for a couch...
Billy Bob stood back and looked at his handy work. Raylene had always wanted one of these and Billy Bob had done his best to build one for her. It stood eight feet tall and was 5 feet square. There were several old "Boys Life" magazines on the small shelf next to the perch. Billy Bob led Raylene outside with her eyes covered. He took his eyes away from her eyes and stood back to watch her reaction. Raylene squealed with pleasure as she gazed ....
Raylene had never had such a beautiful outhouse before. This one actually had a sky light in it and Billy Bob had lovingly installed a fan in the side. Raylene wasted no time as she began to decorate the walls with floral prints. ctually she had walked out into the woods and gathered several hands full of fallen leaves and she had glued them to the walls using the elmers glue she had hidden for just such an occasion.
Ricky Ray had everything ready. The chili was cooking, Gus had the burritos frying and Ricky Ray's only problem was; what kind of wine went with chili and burritos? He had thought about a nice Merlot but decided that since he had NO idea what a Merlot was he better just stick with a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee beer. He found an old Cintronella candle he used as a cenbter piece for the table. The table was a Black and Decker work mate. He was ready.
Zelda put the finishing touches on her hair and now she was ready. This was the biggest day of her life so far. Well, sinceshe won the award of " Queen Okra " at the county fair last fall. She check4ed her look in the mirror one last time and saw her eye do its little thing. With a solid smack to the left side of her head, her eye settled down and she was out of the door. Meanwhile Billy Bob and raylene were driving down Catlle Drive.............
Ricky Ray turned on the record player and put on an old Willie Nelson album, thought twice and switched to an even older Elvis Presley album his father gave him. Well he called Jed his father, he was the guy that his mother had told him to call Daddy for a record three years. Ricky Ray had his best lounging clothes on.He had gotten his old smoking jacket away from the momma blue healer and her pups last night and it had been washed.
Seven weeks after that fateful night Bucksnort had returned to normal. The tornado blew throught town like a ....well like a tornado. The staute the city council had dedicated to okra had been restored and was a rally point for the entire county. Help had come from every community around. Snotlocker had even sent aid in the form of spool after spool of bailing wire. Well at least the ford pickup population would be well repaired.
Ricky Ray walked through what was left of his double wide. He leaned down and picked up the sleeve of his Elvis Presley Christmas album. He kicked around in what had been his kitchen and found one of the burritos he had warmed for dinner. Suddenly he heard a voice behind him. It was angelic, almost singing to him. "Ricky? Ricky Ray?" He looked towards the heavens, was this it? Was He being summoned by a higher authority? Slowly he turned.........
There she stood, all 6 feet 4 and 1/2 inches, 285 pounds of Zelda. Her one bad eye doing its version of the macareana in its socket. Ricky Ray walked over to her slowly, slapped her upside her head. Her eye stopped its twitching. " Thank ya Ricky, I couldnt get it to stop myself.".Together they turned and looked over the wreckage of his house. " If it makes ya feel any better, the only thing left standing at my house is the satelite dish.
Billy Bob and Raylene drove slowly down Blue Healer road. The destruction was unbelievable. Off to their right Raylene pointed out several black velvet paintings of Elvis had been driven a foot into a large oak tree. They turned the corner onto another street, but since the street sign here was gone they had no idea of what street it was. There stood ricky Ray and Raylene, holding hands and staring at the devestation around them.
Ricky Ray and Zelda looked back at Billy Bob and Raylene. Billy Bob stopped the truck and he and Raylene got out. Walking over to Ricky Ray Billy Bob asked, " You ok RR?" " Yep I am fine, jist gonna take me a while to clean up." Ricky Ray answered. There was a commotion behind the pile of rubble that used to be Ricky Rays trailer. The four of them walked slowly around it to see what was making that godawful noise. It sounded like something BIG
Billy Bob pulled back the rubble while Ricky Ray stood close by with a two by four in hand. Whatever was making that noise was gonna have to fight to get out of here. The screams were ear splitting, whatever sort of animal this was; it had to be dangerous. Slwoly Billy Bob pulled back the last bit of wood and there it was. The source of the noise................ Granny looked up and said, " IT IS ABOUT DAMNED TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Granny crawled out from under all the rubble. She clutched in her right hand the trophy from this years spitting contest, and a tin of snuff. Billy Bob reached out to steady Granny as she stepped over what turned out to be a black velvet framed picture of Elvis. Granny looked down at the now destroyed frame and the mud spread across Elvis' mouth like a melted chocolate bar. The emotion was more than she could handle. Granny began to sob
After Granny composed herself, she began walking towards Billy Bobs truck when she noticed Abner. Abner was sitting ontop of a pole. In fact it was the pole that held the storm warning siren. It was an old WW2 Air Defense siren but it still worked. Abner had been picked to turn the handle beause he was deaf as a rock and it didnt hurt his ears like it did everyone elses. Abner was hanging on to the handle of the siren watching the birds fly by.
Dedication to Dad