Thank you for stopping by. I hope that you take a couple minutes to read through these pages.
I'd like to share my story with you..so please take a minute to hear about what happened on November 16, 1998.
"I hate you."
"You're not my brother anymore"
"I never want to speak to you again"
"I wish you were dead"
The words still echo in my mind. We got into a horrible fight the last time we spoke. Robby was only 27 years old when he committed suicide on November 16, 1998.
"I'm coming to get you, be ready" my sister said, when she called unexpectedly. I thought nothing of it at the time because there were so many things going on and so many thoughts going through my mind. By the time she got there my head had cleared a little bit more and I realized that something was wrong. I got into the car I started questioning my sister but the only answer I got was "wait to talk to mom." I knew right then that someone had died. My brother had crossed my mind but I thought to myself 'no he's to strong.' I could feel the sorrow when I stepped into my moms house. "I need to talk to you" my mom said, as I nervously lit the wrong end of my cigarette. Just then my mom grabs me holding me with all her might whispering "your brother shot himself tonight." I dropped to my knees screaming "It's all my fault," "I didn't mean it," "It's all my fault!"
I went upstairs to call my boyfriend who lived in another town. I was angry. I have never felt so angry in my entire life. "Baby, it's okay I'll be there in four hours, I'm leaving right now" he said. I couldn't sleep that night while waiting for my boyfriend to get there. All I could do was stare at the ceiling remembering the last time I talked to my brother and all that I had done to him. It just didn't seem real that my brother was gone.
I didn't know what to do the next few days. I went with my mom to the town he lived in to help her get some of his belongings. But for some reasons it didn't effect me being were my brother had died, and seeing everyone crying. I was glad that my brother was dead. Part of the reason was because I didn't have to fight with him anymore. But that wasn't all of it, I just didn't care.
We flew to Michigan where the funeral was and I went and hung out with my cousin. I wasn't effected by all the decisions that the family had to make. To me it was like we were on vacation. Then it came time to go to the funeral. I was doing just fine until the song hero played. That's when I lost it. As I sat there staring at him listening to the words of the song, I realized that even though he hurt me so bad, he was still my hero.
After the funeral service I was the last to get up to say good-bye to my brother. I held his hand as I gently laid the poem I had written him beside him. I whispered, "please wake up", "please." The next thing that I remember after that was three people pulling me away from him telling me that it was time to go. I stayed quiet at the burial sight. I don't think that I quite knew what was going on. I had been to many funerals and knew the routine well, but this time was just as if I had never been to a funeral. I think that I was waiting for my brother to come tap me on my shoulder telling me that every thing was okay.
They say that you get better with time, not for me. It took me over a month to cry after my brothers funeral. It gets harder every day. I now realize that he is gone and I lost my brother, my hero and my best friend all that cold November day. I have lost a lot of people who were close to me who I cared about, but none of their deaths were as hard on me has the death of my brother. I looked at him as a weak man, a wuse. Someone who had no strength for life whatsoever. Then I felt betrayed, lied to (when my cousin died (from sucide) my brother said that he would never think of suicide). I was depressed, I felt like it was all my fault. I blamed myself for it in every way. After a while I understood the pain my brother felt and I wanted to join him.
It has now been three years since my brother has died, and I won't say that it has gotten easier. The poems I write, and the memory book I made for him are only ways for me to get through the day. Some times I write him letters as if he were just in another town. I talk to my family and friends when days get hard. I've kept in touch with my brothers friends, and that has helped me a lot. It helps me remember my brother when he was alive rather than always thinking about his death. My online support group for survivors of suicide group is a way for me to get out some feelings with others who know what I'm going through. There are days that I cry as if it had just happened, but I find the strength that every person has inside them to get through the day. I believe my brother is happy now, he knows no pain or heartache, and that right there is enough to help me through all the pain I feel and all the tears I cry.
Now that the two year date is coming up I find that I feel that same sadness all over again only for some reason it is worse. It's so hard to loose some one that you love. The pain you feel is a pain that you never thought that you would be able to feel it is almost like it could not be real. But it is it's way to real.
If you are a survivor and meed someone to talk to join our online support group and we will help you get through this awful time. There is a youth group (under 25( or an adult group (over 18). Click below:
I know that you might be thinking to yourself, "this girl has no clue how bad it is"...I do. I am 18 years old and have been through a lot of hell. I have tried to kill myself before, but when my brother died I realized how stupid suicide was. I realized how bad everyone would hurt. All the people my brother thought hated him were the ones hurt the most. I know the pain of loosing some one way to well. I have also lost many friends to sucide and over dose. If you would like to talk you can e-mail me at kricket101@hotmail.com and I will write you back and talk to you.
TO THE WORLD YOU ARE JUST ONE PERSON
BUT TO ONE PERSON YOU ARE THE WORLD
Its been two years this week sence my brother died and there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about him,miss him, or even cry. It's the mosst painful thing in the world. I honestly think that if you have not lost someone to this you could never even emagine how much pain and heartache a person goes through. Everyday is a fight and it will be for the rest of my life.
Online Support Group for Suicide Survivors
Please check out these the rest of my sights...
hero
poems from the heart
Friends
Both Sides of Suicide
thoughts and feelings
cartoons
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