Author: Jordan
Notes: I decided we've been fic-less long enough, and that one needed to be posted. Even if it is a bit of pointless, introspective emotional drivle.
Warnings: Shounen Ai. Cavity causing sap on Duo's part. Really short.
Pairings: 2+3. Implied 4x5 and 1xR (don't hate me!)
Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine. They never will be. 'Nuff said.
More Notes: Ok, I admit that I have shameless sap on the brain currently, but I still don't quite know where this came from. I was TRYING to write an unrequited love-angsty-but with a happy ending Duo/Trowa fic, but this came out instead. Maybe I can salvage the original intention in a sequel or something.
C&C PLEASE! I have to know if you liked it/hated it/got bored reading it! (vixtrycreator@yahoo.com)
The Letter: Part One
Dear Trowa,
Ok, I admit it. I'm a coward to be writing this letter to you instead of saying it to your face, but you know me: I run, I hide, but I never lie. And I gotta tell ya, I'm kinda sick of running, at least from this.
What is "this", you ask.
Well, the truth is: I love you.
If I'm lucky enough that you're still reading after that declaration, I'd like to explain myself. Or at least try. I know that everyone thought that I had fallen for, and gotten my heart broken by, Heero.
That's only half the truth really. What I felt for Heero was a huge crush instead of a deeper romantic emotion. Which is good. A person can take only so many "sacrifices for Relena" before they get the message.
Yes, that did hurt my heart, but it didn't break, and I'd gotten over it by the time those two actually got together. I'd gotten over my little crush so well in fact that I'd gone and fallen in love with someone else. And this time it was real, so real that it made my crush on Heero a mere shadow of emotion.
If this is what Relena was feeling, I can see why she was following him everywhere. And obviously she had more courage than I do.
You're probably wondering why I'm writing this to you now. Actually, I've written versions of this letter since I figured out how I felt. Even during those missions when all I had to do to see you was walk down the hall. I was determined never to tell you, but I still needed to get it out, to announce it somehow. I don't do all that talking without a compulsion you know. So I wrote pages and pages telling you how much I loved you and wrote really bad poetry about your eyes, your voice and the one time I saw you smile.
I'm pretty sure I had dead poets everywhere spinning in their graves. They must've been relieved when I had to destroy most of it every time I moved. Paper is heavy stuff in mass quantities! I did save some of the better stuff though. Maybe someday I'll know what to do with them.
Which brings me to the point of this letter. What makes this letter different from all the other ones, besides that I'm actually going to give it to you, is that now I have hope.
I was positive that you loved Quatre. I wasn't as good at reading you as I was at reading Heero, (which drove me up the wall by-the-way), but I don't think I was wrong. I was positive that after the war, you and Quatre would get together and live one of those Happily-Ever-After lives.
So, you can imagine that I was a little surprised to get a flier advertising a circus with a distinctive clown and lion act. Not only that, but it was coming here, to my humble colony. Then I get the invite to Quatre and Wufei's wedding. Quatre let it slip that you had known about the blessed event WAY before I did. He seemed to think that you were ok with it.
So now I hope.
I hope that there is some chance that you can feel something for me.
I hope that I haven't just stuck my foot in it by telling you all this and bringing up painful feelings.
I hope that I get a response to this letter. Even if you tell me I'm a psycho and to leave you alone.
I hope that after all this emotional outpouring, you'll still be my friend, if nothing else.
I hope because I really, truly, love you.
Sincerely,
Duo Maxwell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa stared at the letter in disbelief. He blinked and waited for it to disappear or turn into a credit card offer or something.It stayed where and what it was.
Duo couldn't possibly feel that way. This was just a cruel joke; though Duo had never done anything worse than temporarily changing Heavyarms' color scheme. But it just couldn't be real.
It was real though. It had been real from the moment he had found the off-white envelope shoved under the door of his trailer.
[I run, I hide, but I never lie.]
Duo's words echoed in his mind. Duo was hiding from him, unsure of his answer.
Trowa himself wasn't sure of his answer. He knew that he couldn't stand to let another chance at living slip through his fingers. It had hurt so much when Quatre found someone else, due to his silence. Quatre hadn't known how he felt. Couldn't have known.
But Duo had.
That thought caused a warmth to spread through him, and a small urge to smile.
Maybe he could answer Duo's declaration. But he wasn't sure how he felt. Was this is what Catherine called 'rebound', or was it real feeling for Duo? He owed it to the braided loud-mouth, and to himself to be sure.
So he would wait, and figure it out.
But...
[...I hope.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo was more restless than usual, which meant that he hadn't gone more than fifteen seconds without fidgeting. The other mechanics looked ready to throw their tools at him.
"Humph. If I hadn't roomed with Heero umpteen times I might actually be worried". He smirked. He still had quite a bit of pride that he made it out of those dorm rooms alive."I wonder how Relena's handling it. Hopefully he's lightened up a little. It wouldn't be a good thing to have the advisor to the world's government go insane". He snickered at the image of Relena being led off in a strait-jacket. He wasn't upset that she'd gotten Heero, but it just wouldn't be fair if spandex-boy didn't drive her bonkers too.
[Speaking of going bonkers; shouldn't Trowa have responded by now?]
Duo's light mood turned tail and ran like an OZ soldier under the Glare Of Doom (tm).
[Maybe I shouldn't have sent the letter. It drove me less crazy wondering about his reaction than it is waiting for the reaction.]
He sighed and blew his bangs away from his eyes, only half watching what he was working on. After the Gundams, fixing cars and factory equipment wasn't even a piece of cake.
[Please, dear God, don't have him hate me.] He was annoyed that he had resorted to begging *that* God for anything...
"...but this is important". Duo didn't realize that he's spoken aloud until someone replied.
"What's important Maxwell?" He spun around at the instantly-recognizable address. Wufei and Quatre were standing a little away from the printing thingamabob that he was repairing. Quatre was looking at the machine over curiously. Wufei was staring at Duo, his lips quirking into what wouldn't have been a smirk on anyone else.
"It's important that I know whether you two have picked out a china pattern or if I have to get creative in my gift selection". Duo grinned evilly, just to make sure Wufei got the hint.
He did, and he went a little pale, dark eyes widening. Quatre choked slightly before replying calmly. "You can give anything you want, as long as Iria would want to see it".
Duo laughed and the half-panic receded from Wufei's eyes. "Alright. I promise not to embarrass you in front of your sister. Or new sister". He nodded to Wufei.
"Good. Actually, we came to see if you were going to come to the wedding. You didn't give me an answer over the phone." Quatre looked worried and puzzled in the quiet, endearing way he had. Duo could easily see why Trowa and Wufei had fallen for the blond.
The thought of lonely, longing green eyes shot a wave of raw, painful emotion through Duo, and his smile nearly dropped. He looked at the happy Arabian and his soon-to-be lifemate, the sheer goodness in Quatre's eyes making him feel ashamed, and not for the first time.
[How can I compete with that?] Duo shook his head, sending the braid swinging, but it didn't cover the mood-swing fast enough. Wufei was giving him an odd look again, and Quatre seemed to be debating whether or not to say anything about it. Duo started talking before either of them had a chance.
"Of course I'm coming. An army of fangirls couldn't keep me away". His smile was genuine, even if the edges seemed a little frayed, and both of his friends relaxed.
"I'm glad", Quatre smiled back at him, "It would mean so much to have the three of you there".
Another flash of green eyes, and Duo forcibly banished his darker thoughts. He'd have to deal with them later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa watched the play of expressions on the American's face from his perch in the warehouse rafters. It was engrossing, trying to determine the other's emotions from his expressions, and it didn't always work. Trowa hadn't spent much time studying the braided pilot when they had been on missions. He was disappointed by the lack of information he had regarding that heart-shaped face and those violet eyes.
Trowa had no doubt that Heero would have known which of those smiles were fake and which ones were real. That fact was one of the reasons he had taken on this self-imposed reconnaissance mission. He wanted to know what was going on. For now, he just tried to pin together what Duo was saying.
Earlier in the day, when he had taken his hidden perch, he had dropped a microphone into Duo's cap, which was lying brim-up at his work station. Trowa had listened to the lilting tenor for hours as Duo talked, sang and hummed to himself.
None of what was said was very important or useful, but Trowa found himself comforted by the constant wall of chatter. As the afternoon passed, he noticed that the dialogue had taken on a conspiratorial quality. It was as if Duo was whispering the commentary to *him* at a time when they were supposed to be silent. Trowa wondered if this was what passing notes in class felt like.
It hadn't been until just before Quatre and Wufei walked in that the American's mood had visibly saddened, and now Trowa wanted to know what was going on under all that hair. And even as he had been fighting the pain of seeing Quatre and Wufei together and happy, he had been attuned to Duo's reactions.
He had seen the despair cross that face and then disappear in a heart-beat, just before Duo shook his head as if to clear it. He had seen the tattered quality to Duo's smile.
The other two obviously knew that something was going on, but weren't going to push their friend. Though to be honest, Trowa had to admit that Duo wasn't the one who needed pushing.
Letting his mind go over and memorize the expressions he had seen on Duo's face, he found himself wanting to erase the sad ones. It was a compassionate instinct, but he wanted it to mean more than that.
Imagining happy violet eyes, he came to a realization.
He *wanted* to love Duo. The question was: could he stop loving his angel enough to do it?
The Letter: Part 2
Trowa watched Quatre and Wufei leave the mechanics' shop with a heavy heart. They had told Duo that they were going to the circus to see him. He briefly considered trying to beat them there in order to talk to them.
However, he had no idea what he would say. So he stayed in the rafters and let his gaze follow them until they were out of sight. He let his eyes drop and go out of focus as the heartache washed over him.
[If I hadn't been silent, would I be the one walking by his side?]
His mind wandered to all of the times that he had talked Quatre in and out of situations, and of all the times that Quatre had returned the favor. It hurt to think of all the things he had said, and to know that he hadn't said what was most important.
As his eyes focused, he realized that he was looking strait at Duo. The American's face was still, holding no expression, and not talking. His gaze flicked to the violet eyes, and he stopped breathing. Those expressive eyes held unshed tears, and a mirror of his own chaotic emotions.
Duo was hurting. Unacceptable.
Trowa listened to the silence from the microphone for a few more minutes, waiting for the American to start talking again. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to, Trowa decided that the mission was over. He knew as much as he was going to know without talking to Duo directly.
He was almost sure of his answer now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo watched Quatre and Wufei leave with a heavy heart. When they had told him that they were heading for the circus next he had nearly winced on the silent-one's behalf.
As bad as it had ached to watch Heero and Relena, even after his own heart had moved on, how much worse was it for Trowa now? Duo couldn't imagine.
He was pretty sure that he had read the stoic pilot correctly. Those green eyes had spoken of love when they looked at the Arabian. Long, eloquent sonnets had poured from that gaze whenever the European thought no-one was watching. It had broken Duo's heart to know that he could never hope to measure up to the kind, gentle boy.
Duo looked back at the machine he was supposed to be repairing, and decided that he didn't feel like finishing it. It was almost done anyway. One of the other guys could do it tomorrow.
He grabbed his cap, turning it over to blow the dust off the top and put it on.
Time to go home. He had a trip to pack for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cursing, Duo kicked his door until it let him into his loft apartment. The stubborn thing would yield to neither key nor hinge grease.
"Heh, lets see it hold up if I had Deathscyth". Duo ignored the inner voice telling him that that might be a little excessive. He immediately listened to the one that told him someone else was in the apartment.
"I'm sure the door would surrender quietly in that case". Duo's mind froze as the words spoken in a soft tenor, then sped up again as he tried to decipher what had been said. Violet eyes widened and he turned to gaze at that most beloved face, and said the first thing that came to mind.
"Trowa! That was a joke!"
[Baka! That's all you can say?] he cleared his throat and tried again.
"So...how ya been?"
[Oh, *much* better.] He winced. Life sucked when even your mind mocked you.
"I've been well. Busy with the circus". There was a long pause. Duo tried to work up the nerve to ask about his letter, but Trowa beat him to it. "I got your letter. You wanted me to respond, so here I am".
Duo looked resolutely at the floor, really not wanting to read the other boys eyes while he was rejected. Trowa seemed to be waiting for something before he continued. Duo showed that he was listening.
"Ok".
Another long pause. Curiosity got the better of him, and Duo looked up. He was immediately caught in fathomless green, and found it impossible to look away.
"I came to tell you that I can't answer you right away".
"Oh". Duo tried to ignore the shattering sensation in his chest.
"That's not a definite no. I mean..." Trowa seemed to grasp for words while Duo's heart tried to figure out whether it should shatter apart or come back together. "I mean that I need to work something out before I can see if I feel that way". Green eyes asked him to understand, and he did.
"Quatre". He didn't make it a question, and Trowa didn't take it as one.
"I need to get though the ... wedding... before I can figure out if my heart can be free". Duo nodded.
"Thanks for letting me know". He meant it, and tried to smile. He failed miserably, but Trowa seemed to appreciate the effort.
"I thought you deserved to. Will you be there?"
"Yeah. I just need to pack".
"I will see you then". Duo nodded as Trowa walked out his front door, feeling a little numb. Then a very good question occurred to him.
[Why the hell did he sneak in?]
The Letter :Part Three
Duo was glad that he wasn't the only one fidgeting this time. People were less likely to throw stuff at him if Quatre was bouncing from foot to foot too.
It was fifteen minutes until the ceremony started. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and as always, Rashid had made sure everything was perfect. The guest list had been very short for someone of Quatre's social station, but it reflected the blond pilot well. And it suited his guarded Chinese mate. Wufei wouldn't have been able to go through something this emotional and private in front of strangers.
Duo was glad that his friend wouldn't have to. Even if this event was causing his beloved pain, both Quatre and Wufei deserved their happiness, and Duo was going to ensure that they got it.
It was the one and only plan of his that had gotten full support of Heero *and* the Magenacs.
Duo had nearly finished arranging all the flowers when Relena rushed in and grabbed his hand, dragging him from the master bedroom.
"They're about to start! You know they'll get suspicious if anyone is late." Her smile was blinding, despite the chastising words. Today was truly happy, just because the joy was contagious.
[Only one thing could make it better. If only it wasn't hurting Trowa.] Duo let the thought fly through his mind before Relena pulled him to join Heero and Rashid in the garden.
The couple stood before a judge who had come out for the blessed event. Duo had never bothered to ask about religious preference. At this point it was probably too confusing an issue. Duo let his gaze wander over the gathered Magenacs, all of Quatre's sisters, and the Preventors. He noticed that Une, Noin and Sally Po had gathered on 'Wufei's' side of the seating arrangements.
[It's nice that they consider him family. Though with all those Winner sisters, they may get competition for the most doting.] He snickered quietly at the thought of any of the three ladies doteing on Wufei. Heero jabbed him slightly in the ribs to shut him up.
Duo also noticed one conspicuous absence. Nary a uni-bang was in sight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa ran a nervous hand through his hair and straitened his tie again. Catherine looked at him with sad but understanding eyes. She knew what Quatre meant to him, and she knew that this would be hard.
Trowa had agreed to her request to go to the wedding, on the condition that they only attend the reception. He didn't think he would be able to watch Quatre and Wufei pledge themselves to each other without breaking down, older sister next to him or not.
And then there was Duo. He would be expecting an answer sometime after today.
"I don't want to deal with this Cathy". The words were said in the same soft monotone that he said everything, but he had never fooled his sister.
"It will make you feel better later. You may never get to love Quatre as you would like, but you are still Wufei and his friend. You should be there at least for a little while to congratulate them". [I forgot to tell her about Duo!]
He sighed as he realized that Catherine had no idea that his heart was already being sought by the Death. A braided, laughing, baka Death. It nearly made him smile, the irony. He had spent so much time contemplating his feelings for one who embodied life, that he had completely missed that he was coveted by one who was the opposite.
[You always though that death was the path you would take anyway.]
Catherine kept sympathetic gray eyes on him as he took a deep breath and steeled himself.
"Lets go. Before Duo gets to the food and there's none left". She laughed softly, having heard kitchen horror stories from when the five pilots had to live together. The joke worked and Trowa relaxed a little.
"Yes, lets".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wedding had been beautiful. Quatre's artistic good taste had kept it short and sweet, with non-traditional music ushering everyone in and out of the large hall. There had been flowers everywhere, of every shade, though no big arrangements. It had been beautiful to the eyes.
Wufei had been responsible for everything spoken, except Quatre's vows. Duo had seen the Arabian pouring over poetry in every language he knew, trying to come up with just the right words to say how he felt. It had been so cute.
After the ceremony everyone had go to the banquet hall. The room was huge and Rashid had forbidden anyone, even Quatre, from seeing what he and the Magenacs had done to decorate it. Needless to say it was stunning. Once again 'Master' Quatre had inspired perfection. The walls were covered in Arabian artwork and Chinese silk paintings.
Even Duo was speechless with awe and missed the cue to start the meal.
Soon everything settled and the room buzzed with conversation. Duo was talking with Relena about laptops and the value of learning 'Hn' as a foreign language. He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed soft music playing in the background. Relena looked quizzically at him before she heard it too. They remained silent and listened for a moment.
It was when the sweet notes of the violin were joined by the trills of a flute that Duo started to lose it.
[I'm never going to stand a chance. And Quatre's not even doing it on purpose!]
Duo looked at Relena's concerned face, and caught Heero's quirked eyebrow from across the room. He blinked, then grinned. They both relaxed, Heero turning his attention back to whoever and Relena starting to discuss the wedding gifts.
Duo started eating again, putting his 'American Pig' grin firmly into place. His eyes never left the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa paced as Catherine quickly fixed her hair. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to see sea-blue eyes gazing at another with open love. He didn't want another wound that wouldn't heal. He could just imagine the two of them, so happy. He hadn't been close enough to either one to look in their eyes since before they had found each other.
Inexplicably, he had a vision, of how Duo had looked when he was talking to Quatre. He had been smiling, but it hadn't reached his eyes.
[How come I didn't notice that while I was sitting there?]
Trowa's thoughts were interrupted by Catherine's hand on his shoulder. She squeezed gently, lending silent support. Trowa nodded, and they walked towards the reception. Rashid's eyes lit up when he saw them, and they found themselves being ungracefully dragged into the center of the room.
"Trowa! I didn't think that you were going to come." Blue eyes filled his vision, the scent of jasmine filled his nostrils, and it was all Trowa could do to keep his face blank. He was caught in a very enthusiastic, but only friendly hug.
[Gods! It hurts too much. I have to get away!]
But he was held in place, unwilling to give up the sensation for anything, even to alleviate his pain. Then the angel was pulling away, and the warmth was lost.
Trowa pulled his thoughts together enough to congratulate Quatre, and shake Wufei's hand. Then he stepped back and let Catherine talk. His eyes stayed glued to his blond beloved until he couldn't take it anymore. Green eyes swept the crowd, picking up Heero bullying one of the Magenacs (probably about security) immediately. Just as quickly he found Relena holding an animated conversation with a certain black-clad, braided friend.
Pained green met concerned violet for two heartbeats before they both looked away. The interaction was not missed by any of their friends. As Trowa turned his attention back to the group in front of him, he noticed curiosity and a little worry in every familiar pair of eyes. He just shrugged an answer to their silent questions, careful to keep his face blank when he looked at Quatre and Wufei again.
Everyone but Catherine seemed satisfied with this. Though Trowa could feel Duo's gaze on him the same way he sensed a sniper's gun sight. Direct, unwavering and totally focused on him.
Neither the analogy nor the sensation was comforting.
The Letter : Part Four
"Hey, Q-Man. I'm going to the buffet again, and thought I'd give you guys fair warning." Duo walked up to the newlyweds. Then his eyes lit on Catherine and Trowa. Trowa fought the urge to fidget.
"Hi Trowa, Catherine. Has Quatre let you talk to other people yet?"
"Duo!"
"What? Come on Quatre, you're monopolizing 'em. They haven't even gotten to the food yet. You guys need to try that spicy pasta thing. It was so hot, it made Relena cry". Violet eyes laughed as the braided mechanic threw his arm around Trowa's shoulders, pulling him towards the buffet. Trowa let himself relax when Duo's other arm went around Wufei's shoulders.
"Did it really?" Catherine looked at the young dignitary dancing with Heero, an eyebrow raised.
"Well...just a little". The grin nearly split Duo's face.
[So obviously a mask.] Trowa found himself quickly glancing at the other man, trying to see what the mask was hiding. Of course Trowa already knew what Duo wasn't telling the others.
Catherine laughed at Duo's descriptions of the foods that had been chosen. Which ones were good, which ones were rich, which ones went well with chocolate.
Safe topics. Everyone was at ease and laughing, having a good time. Duo was doing it again, just as he had done while they had been five Gundam pilots.
"It's good to see that *some* things don't change." The usual sarcasm in Wufei's voice had softened a bit as he spoke to Trowa around Duo. He still meant to mock the American, but it wasn't as annoyed as usual. Trowa's eyes locked with Wufei's over Duo's braid.
For just a heartbeat, the other man's mask dropped and Trowa saw what Wufei wanted him to see. Wufei knew how he felt about the blond, and hadn't caused this pain deliberately. But what had happened had happened. Wufei was hoping that it wouldn't cause a rift, that they wouldn't lose his friendship. Trowa's nod seemed to put him at ease.
Duo looked at both of them in turn and his smile turned a little sad, but genuine for another heartbeat. Then the silent communication was over.
Duo had spotted the sweet, pre-cake desserts.
"Hey Quatre. Give Rashid a raise! Or a trip to the barber. This stuff looks great!" He let go of his fellow ex-pilots and bounced towards the table, causing Catherine to laugh again.
"Duo! Leave some for the other people!" Four voices called out at once, drawing all attention to the glutton in question.
"I will. I will." The food still piled up on the plate until they couldn't see the fine china anymore.
"It would seem that Rashid planned for this contingency and had amounts prepared accordingly".
"Give it a rest Heero. Yes, I eat a lot, we've established this. Mission accomplished, now let's move on!"
Trowa was content to get something to eat and let the conversation flow around him, the topic in Duo's control as always. The seven of them commandeered the head table, eating and talking, with people occasionally joining them. Noin and Une sat and they talked shop for few minutes.
"You guys have new toys and you didn't tell me?"
"Like they would let you near important weaponry ever again Maxwell."
"Hey! I saved the galaxy just as much as you did."
"Then you should join, Duo. Save civilization as we know it, and tinker with the new technology". Noin sounded like this wasn't the first time that this had come up. Trowa sensed an old argument. Duo's mask shifted into boredom, though there was something much deeper going on.
"Nah. I'll stick with fixing the colony. You never know when someone will want to buy some prime L2 real-estate". Even Wufei would have been hard pressed to make his sarcasm that heavy.
Sally walked up, smiling a little sadly as she overheard. Her smile brightened as she looked at the newlyweds. She shrugged apologetically before speaking.
"I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but I need to drag the unmarried workaholics away. Something has come up".
"Is it serious?" Relena let worry flash across her face.
"No, no. Just something we need to go discuss with the involved parties". Une let out an exasperated sigh. "Who would have thought so many toddlers would get elected all at once".
Relena chuckled in sympathy.
"You see why I stick with machines? If it makes a funny noise, you just putz around a bit and everything's fine". Duo paused with a bite half-way to his mouth, then added another thought. "Though, with either one, if you kick it, it does what you want".
"Or blows up in your face".
Duo turned wide eyes towards Trowa as the normally quiet man finished his punch line for him. They were both rewarded by snickers from around the table.
Trowa was rewarded by a true, happy smile from Duo. His face suited the honest expression much better than it suited his jester's mask.
"Exactly". Duo punctuated this pronouncement by putting the food in his mouth with gusto.
"You just had to have the last word, didn't you Maxwell".
The grin just widened.
The Letter: Part Five
Noin, Une and Sally said congratulations again before leaving the reception. The smile stayed in Duo's eyes as he waved good-bye.
The conversation turned to Wufei's job with the Preventers. Duo ate and listened, Trowa picked at his food and listened. It was interesting, and tempting work, but Trowa wanted to stay with the circus just a little longer. Duo seemed to be of a like mind with his own situation.
Speeches and sibling tributes broke-up their conversation as Quatre and Wufei blushed and mingled.
"So, how's L2 treating you Duo? Any permanent arrangements?" Catherine asked the American with a sly look in her gray eyes.
[Did she read through Duo's mask? Or mine?]
Trowa shifted in discomfort, drawing Heero's attention. He shrugged it off.
"No. I've got the mechanics job, and it's great. I don't think that I'll be with it much more than a few months though. The wander bug'll hit by then". Duo flashed another self-depreciating grin, then asked his own question, mirroring Trowa's own suspicious thoughts.
"Why?"
"Just wondering really. The circus is looking for a mechanic. Not for anything Trowa can't do", she smiled apologetically at her brother, "but with him performing *and* taking care of the cats... It would be nice to have someone full time". She smiled at Duo again as his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "And it would take care of the wanderlust".
"I smell a recruitment conspiracy. First those three, now you. I didn't fall asleep, did I?" The last question was directed at Relena. She just shook her head, giggling behind her hand.
"Why is it so unbelievable?" Trowa was once again thrown by Duo's mask, and had no idea what he was thinking. Duo's gaze swung around to meet his, and turned considering as Duo thought over his answer.
"Before the war, and definitely after it, I couldn't've *paid* someone to hire me. And that's on L2 where bribes are what feed you. It took me three months to find a guy shady enough to hire me. No one wants a known terrorist working for them." The smile stayed on the American's face, even as he shook his head ruefully.
"So come with us. It's not shady, you get good food, good company, and people only occasionally think that you're stealing." Catherine seemed determined to get his affirmative answer, and it was Trowa's turn to look at her suspiciously.
[This sounds too thought-out to be spur of the movement, even for Cathy. When did she come up with this?]
"I'll think about it", Trowa's heart skipped a little at Duo's answer, "I need to figure some things out first".
Violet pierced green and Trowa forgot to breath. Quatre's gaze was never so intense, no matter the emotion behind it. And Trowa couldn't even tell what emotion was behind Duo's intensity. He could guess...but he didn't *know*.
That mystery was as disturbing as it was tempting. Trowa had to look away first, or drown. It would be so easy to just give in, and let Duo's light swallow him whole. Trowa gave himself a mental shake and turned his attention back to what Duo and Catherine were saying.
"Why are you offering the job to me?" Duo's question reflected Trowa's own suspicions. "There are tons of mechanics in all the colonies. You could've picked one up at any of 'em. Why wait 'till now? Not that I don't appreciate it, but I'm sure you've heard the 'Life with Maxwell' horror stories." The wide grin once again stopped just short of his eyes.
"You're good at it. And you're Trowa's friend. It would be better than bringing in a complete stranger."
[She thinks that she's bringing someone in for me to talk to. She didn't read either of us that closely.]
Trowa breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't quite ready for his sister's input on the situation with Duo. Though the idea of Duo joining the circus, at least for a little while, was intriguing. After the panic receded. It would give him time to study Duo the way he had studied Quatre.
[But you lost Quatre.] That thought sent his mind into a jumble again.
"Come and hang out with us after the shows next week. You can decide after that". Catherine's offer seemed to echo Duo's. They both suggested waiting to see...but not for very long. Trowa knew that Duo wouldn't agree unless he said he was comfortable with it. Duo's eyes said so, much clearer than his mouth.
"So, Trowa. Think you can stand me hangin' around for a week?"
"As long as you're gentle with the equipment. I doubt that our doors are as resilient as yours". It was nice seeing those violet eyes widen in response to his deadpan. It was something he thought he could get used to.
[Use the week. Both of you can decide after that.]
Duo nodded to Catherine, who was genuinely pleased by the response.
"But you get to tell my boss why I have to leave early". She laughed, and said that she would.
"Shhh! They're cutting the cake." Relena shushed them, and they returned their attention to the festivities.
"Do you think it's chocolate?"
"Duo!"
[And *that* is what his genuine smile looks like. It'd be a nice thing to see more often.]
Trowa felt the corners of his mouth twitch up, even as he watched Quatre and Wufei.
Everyone was smiling, to various degrees, for the rest of the evening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it Trowa?" Catherine smiled contently from the passengers seat as Trowa drove them back to the hotel. Quatre had offered them rooms at the house with the others, but they had declined.
[Going and seeing them happy together is completely different than staying in that house with them tonight. And it would be so easy to turn to Duo for comfort. All of us deserve better than that.]
Soft snoring brought him out of his thoughts, and he glanced at his sister's sleeping face. He was glad that she hadn't expected an answer.
Tomorrow they would be flying back to L2. Duo would come and see him the day after that. Both their futures depended on what they discovered about each other over the next week.
[Maybe I'll tell Catherine about the letter before we see him again.]
Laughing violet crossed his mind's eye for a second, and he found the emotion contagious.
Trowa smiled more fully than he had in years, driving down the dark, deserted highway, where no-one could see it but him.
The Letter: Part Six
Duo's palms were sweating, his pulse was pounding and he was short of breath. And Trowa wasn't even in the room. Hell, there wasn't even a room for them to be in.
The American stood at the edge of the circus grounds, just watching the people come and go. He had yet to see either Trowa or Catherine, but was content to watch the other performers move himself.
He occupied his mind with mundane observations, trying to calm himself enough to be sociable. He was so nervous about seeing Trowa, without the other guys there to be buffers. He wasn't sure how he should act, knowing that Trowa knew how he felt. Should he try flirting? Should he act like he normally did? Should he tone it down, in deference to Trowa's, probably raw, feelings? Duo was frozen with indecision, and he didn't like it.This wasn't like him at all!
Duo jumped as a hand gripped his shoulder. Spinning around, he looked into a slightly amused green eye.
"Trowa! Jeez, you're the only one who *ever* sneaks up on me like that. Man, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" The color came back to his face, and the startled look was immediately covered by his grin. He really hated his automatic mask sometimes. It was a measure of just how much he trusted and cared for Trowa that the startled look had manifested at all.
"I'm sorry Duo."
[No he's not.] Duo felt his grin widen as he cought the mischievious glint join the amusement.
"So, what am I supposed to see first? Do I get to see the cats, or do I have'ta swear to Catherine that I won't get you into trouble first?"
"Catherine would like to say hello. Then you can just wander around and watch us set-up." Trowa shrugged and walked towards the circus grounds.
"Sounds good. Do I get to see the cats later though?" Duo bounced to Trowa's and fell into step beside him.
[That would be so cool.]
Trowa's smile was very, very small, as he shrugged again and lead the way to the tents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The energy of the crowd enveloped Duo as he watched the performances. It was contagious, and he felt like an awestruck kid. Like he had when he had come to see the show with Hilde during the war.
His train of thought followed that track and his emotions sobered as he watched the sword swallowers. He remembered coming to the circus, watching Trowa perform with a vague ache in his heart, then finding out that Trowa didn't remember him.
[That *hurt*, and to think that I didn't realize why.] Now Duo could laugh at his own density, but it had been so confusing then.
[And it took Quatre to bring him back.] It was a stinging, bitter thought, and Duo shoved it away. He had vowed that his feelings for Trowa were not going to destroy his friendship with Quatre. Friends were to few and far between to allow a rift.
His eyes followed a spot-light as it swung up to the high-wire, and held his breath.
Trowa moved gracefully and confidently through his routine, drawing gasps and applause from the crowd.
[Beautiful.] Duo found himself cheering loudest of all, which got a couple of kids to look at him like his hair had just turned blue.
Grinning like a lunatic came in handy right then.
He turned his attention back to the lithe acrobat, as the routine finished, the applause and cheers from the crowd thundered though the big top. Duo's eyes followed his friend as he descended, noting that not even the half-mask could disguise the lack of expression on Trowa's face.
Though Duo was used to it, the look caused a ache to well up in his chest again. His own dual nature warring as it simultaneously demanded that he snap Trowa out of it and leave well enough alone. A nod from Trowa as their eyes met over the divider settled the matter firmly in the 'interfering little bastard' camp.
Duo grinned back at his friend, and knew that Trowa had seen the mischievous cast to the expression.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo found Catherine making tea after the show, a couple hours later. The crowds were leaving and the performers were cleaning up and winding down by degrees.
"Sit down Duo. Trowa's checking on the cats and probably getting out of costume. He'll show up in a minute."
Duo sat and accepted the cinnimon-smelling tea.
"You guy's were great tonight! I thought my heart would stop during the knife throwing."
Catherine chuckled. "I didn't think Gundam pilots were so easily unnerved."
Duo huffed, exaggerating his pouty/hurt expression. "We're not. You guys had that whole tension-building thing going on. The showmanship was great."
"Thank you." For the second time that night, Duo had been unaware of Trowa's approach.
[Ok, *that* is unnerving. I'm a thief, a damn good thief. I have a radar better than Heero's in my head. So how the *hell* did he do that...TWICE!] It took will-power to not rant aloud as Trowa settled himself and accepted his tea.
"Did you like the show?" Duo's eyes widened as his brain rushed to process that Trowa had actually started a conversation. When he regained his composure, he could swear that he saw amusement in those green eyes again.
"Yes, I did. You were fantabulous, you had the kids behind me so enthralled that they stopped chucking popcorn at my head." He finished with a brilliant smile, and was rewarded with a laugh from Catherine and a chuckle from Trowa. It was bliss.
"Thank you again." Trowa sipped his tea, and Duo was about to ask Catherine about the balance of her throwing knives when the stoic young man spoke up again. "Did you get to meet anyone else before the show?"
"Um, no. I was still gawking at everything." Catherine looked as surprised at Trowa's chattiness as he felt. She stared at Trowa for a moment, then stood, excusing herself. Leaving Trowa and Duo alone in her trailer.
There was a long, awkward silence as Duo realized that this was the first time that they had had a chance to talk in private, and he couldn't think of a single important thing to say. Trowa's quiet voice pulled him from his frantic clutching at conversation starters.
"Did you really like the show?"
"Of course! I wouldn't have said I did otherwise. I never lie y'know." He didn't see why Trowa had needed the confirmation. So he asked. "Why?"
Trowa thought a moment, then a slight smirk materialized at the corner of his mouth.
"Your good opinion is rarely given, and therefore more worth the earning." The statement was so un-Trowa from syntax to length that Duo's eyes widened again.
[At this rate I'll need eye drops when I get back to the apartment.]
"It was a quote from Pride and Prejudice. Catherine read bits to me while I set up rigging." The smirk stayed put, and Duo had to fight to keep his gaze from straying to that mouth. He swallowed convulsively, and covered his sudden nervousness by sipping his tea.
"Well, thank you. I really did enjoy it." He offered a small, genuine smile, and hoped that his 'I'm harmless' message got across. "I don't know how you guys can keep putting on such a stellar show."
"It's easier being consistent here than it was being able to complete my missions all the time."
Duo nodded, even as he automatically shifted his focus to see if anyone could hear their conversation. He caught himself, and flushed as he noticed that Trowa had raised an eyebrow in question, sensing what he had been doing.
"Old habits die hard. Especially the paranoid ones." The eyebrow raised a little more.
"I've had them longer." Trowa nodded, and seemed to sink back into thought, leaving Duo alone with his.
They both finished their tea, and cleaned up. Whatever Catherine had seen in Trowa's eyes, she wasn't going to rejoin them. Duo was about to start making the customary good-nights when Trowa spoke up again.
"It occurs to me, Duo, that neither of us know the other very well."
"We know enough to keep each other alive in a fire-fight, and to trust each other with our lives". Duo protested, but knowing where Trowa was headed. He willed his heart to stay intact for just a few more moments.
"Of course, but neither of us know what each other's favorite color is, despite your wardrobe. It's things like that which I wish to learn. If you don't mind." Trowa tilted his head, the non-expression back with a vengeance, even as Duo felt his own, more animated, mask slide into place.
"It'll be tough, neither of us are open by nature. Do you think we can do it in a week?" Trowa already held his heart, how much more was he willing to risk?
"I am willing if you are. It seems necessary to me. If ... I cannot give what you ask, then this may salvage our friendship, such as it is."
"I would like that." It must have been the most emotional phrase he had ever uttered before another human being. Trowa nodded his acceptance, and they left the trailer.
When Duo went to sleep later that night, he noticed that the apartment didn't seem quite so cold and barren as it had earlier.
The Letter: Part Seven
Trowa was enjoying himself this week. Duo had shown up every morning a little earlier than the morning before. Catherine found it amusing, and made sure that they had something for breakfast a little earlier every morning. Duo always brought enough coffee for Howard's entire crew, and inevitably consumed half of it.
Trowa caught a small smile on his face as he pictured this new morning ritual.
[And how wonderful would it be if you could see it every morning?]
Trowa analyzed the thought, after he got over the mild shock. The emotion behind it had not been romantic, he decided. Instead, it had stemmed from an intense desire that this routine would never end.
[But what is waiting for you doing to Duo? Didn't you suffer when you didn't know how Quatre felt? How much worse is it, now that he waits for your answer?] All questions, and Trowa experienced a sinking feeling as he found himself answering them.
This joy was only until the end of the week. Then his future was going to smack him in the face.
[It could smack you in a good way.] Of that, he had no doubt, and the slight smile came back.
"Hey! Morning Duo." Trowa heard someone call out, and headed out of his trailer to meet his friend. His eyes found the bouncy American immediately, but the rest of him froze.
Duo was back-lit by the rising 'sun', so only his silhouette was visible, outlined by wisps of color. The black of his clothing, the dark honey color of his hair as the braid flapped behind him. For two heartbeats, the former their stole Trowa's breath. Then Duo spotted him and came fully into view as he changed directions.
"Morning Trowa! Did you sleep well?" Duo waved the giant thermos in greeting as he spoke.
"Good morning Duo. Yes, I did, thank you. And you?"
"Ok, I guess. No worse than usual. Where's Catharine hiding breakfast this morning?"
Trowa permitted his smile to manifest, and was awed by the wide-eyed reaction that the expression got from Duo.
"It's in her trailer, I believe." They changed direction again, walking side by side to Catherine's trailer.
"Good Morning you two. I was worried I was going to have to eat all this by myself." Catherine teased as she let them in.
"What, me miss a stunning spread and this wonderful company?"
They all laughed as they went inside, even Trowa. He found it as liberating as he had when Heero was staying with them. It was good to be among friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Y'know what Trowa? I still haven't figured out what Catherine thinks you guys need me here for. Nothing's happened this week that an extra pair of hands would have fixed any faster."
Trowa paused a moment, trying to decide whether or not to share his observations.
"I believe that she is worried about me, and thinks that having a friend traveling with us would help. She knows that there are some things that I won't tell her. Perhaps she thinks that I have told you."
"And I'm the only one out of the four options who doesn't have permanent living arrangements." The comment was meant to be a humorous self-depreciation, but Trowa heard the bitterness underneath. Somehow, it was more terrible to hear the tone because it was in Duo's voice.
"And you manage to get everyone, even Heero and Wufei, to talk to you." His praise was rewarded by a true and happy smile. He found himself struggling to breath evenly again.
"Last time I checked, death threats didn't really count as talking. But thanks anyway."
They lapsed into silence for a moment before Duo started humming under his breath. Trowa found it comforting him again, as it had while he was spying on Duo.
[You should probably tell him about that. No, it would give him hope. I will not give him that, only to shatter it later. And what if you say yes, and this just turns things sour?]
Trowa noticed that he had become more talkative in the last week, even with himself. He much preferred talking to Duo.
"Should we check the rigging? They may have something for you to do with the pullies."
"Sounds great! Do I get to see you rehearse again?"
"Not on the high-wire. Catherine would like a partner for the knife throwing though."
Duo paled, and Trowa noted that the American's chattiness wasn't the only contagious trait.
[Next thing you know, you're going to be sneaking salt into his dessert.]
Trowa smirked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*THOCK*
The knife sank into the wood a quarter inch from Duo's left ear. The American had agreed to be the target, if his braid was safely tucked away behind him. Trowa wouldn't have it any other way.
*THOCK*
To his credit, Duo wasn't even flinching, and had continued to breath evenly. The knife had been an eighth of an inch from his right hand. Trowa was impressed. Normally, if Catherine was practicing with anyone but him, she had them sweating bullets by the third blade. Here Duo stood with seven.
Trowa let his eyes wander up to the trapeze act, rehearsing above them. They were a new addition, the old flyer family having left before they could be trampled by Gundams. The new guys were pretty good, but their knowledge of their equipment was still uneasy.
Duo had tried explaining some of the machinery to them when they were taking down the high wire and setting up the trapeze. To their credit, it was only the machinery that they didn't trust, because it was new to them. In their old act, the swings had been directly attached to a big top support, not a metal lift.
*THOCK*
Trowa's eyes flew back to the human target.
[Way too close to the braid that time Cathy.] And he had no doubt that Duo would let her know. The last knife touched the hair that stuck out where the braid began. Another few millimeters, and she would have sliced a chunk out of the base.
"That's the last one Duo, you can move now." Catherine walked up to the target and started removing the knives as Duo moved out of her way. He was cradling his braid protectively.
"Little close on that last one, don't'cha think?" He stuck his tongue out at her when she merely laughed in response.
Trowa shifted his gaze back upwards as Duo walked towards him. He felt the mild heat coming off of Duo, as the loudmouth stopped and also looked upward.
"Do you think they'll be ok with the lift set up?"
"For tonight. If it's a problem, we can rig it the way that they're used to."
"So, how'd I do?"
"Good enough to take my place in the show tonight." Trowa didn't need to look at Duo to know that his eyes had widened and his jaw had dropped.
"Wh- what?"
"It's the last night of the week. I thought you would like to be in the show at least once, no matter what you decide." Trowa looked back down at his friend.
"That's cool Trowa, thank you." The light that had suddenly sparked in Duo's violet eyes dimmed just as quickly. "Um, Trowa...about deciding..."
Trowa silenced him.
"After the show Duo. I promise."
Duo nodded, and looked back at Catherine. His expression changed again into shocked horror.
"Ohmygodtrowa! What am I gonna wear!"
Trowa chuckled and lead him to the costumes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa watched the show only for a few moments. Duo had found a costume that was dark enough in color to make him happy, though Catherine had teased that his usual outfit was more than theatrical enough. They did exchange his dark red shirt for a dark purple one. Blood colored clothing in a knife-throwing act wasn't necessarily a good thing.
They weren't on yet, but Trowa left anyway. He needed to be alone to think. Tonight, the big decision was due, and Trowa needed to do some serious soul searching before he gave it.
The night was warm, and the circus grounds were tree-lined. He wandered away until he could only hear the music and the crowd faintly. Applause drifted to him on a manufactured breeze, and he briefly wondered how Duo and Catherine were doing. He had had to choose between seeing Duo in the spotlight and thinking over his choices.
[Depending on what you figure out, you may get another chance to watch Duo from the audience another time. And isn't he worth some careful consideration?]
Trowa nodded to himself as he settled into the lower branches of a tree. He had always been more at home above the ground. Now was no exception.
For some time Trowa searched his feelings, discovering what they were. He asked himself the really tough questions.
[How do I feel about Quatre?
How does that compare to what I feel for Duo?
Are my feelings for Duo there just because Quatre married Wufei?
Am I really feeling anything at all?]
By the time people started filtering out of the main tent, during thunderous applause, Trowa had things figured out enough to act. He even had the perfect way to let Duo know, without having to watch him fidget.
The plan was worthy of Heero Yuy himself. This thought made Trowa briefly wonder how Heero had expressed his feelings to Relena. Though, considering Relena, Heero might have just agreed with whatever she had started.
Bringing himself back from that tangent, Trowa headed for his trailer to gather what he would need.
The Letter: Part Eight
Duo was buzzed from performing with Catherine. All those people cheering at him had been an intoxicating feeling. He bounced to where they had stashed his shirt and jacket and traded the purple thing back for them.
His eyes scanned his surroundings, searching for the tall acrobat. No luck, but Catherine invited him back to her trailer for tea. Hopefully Trowa was waiting for them. Duo's stomach clenched.
[He promised!]
Catherine waved him on ahead of her as someone called her name. Duo gladly went to her trailer, trying to remember where she kept the tea cups. He stopped with one foot in the door. He gasped in a breath and held it, his eyes widening.
Tea was already set up for three. Propped up against one of the tea cups was a simple white envelope with his name written on it in spiky handwriting.
Duo finished stepping into the trailer slowly, shutting the door behind him. He reached for the paper with trembling fingers, no longer sure that he wanted an answer. Wasn't it better to be unsure than to have to pick up the pieces of your heart?
[But what if he says yes?]
That decided it. Duo cautiously opened the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo,
This seemed a suitable vehicle for expressing myself. It is, after all, the manner which you chose. I admire your courage in relating your feelings, and can only hope to imitate it. For this situation, I think I will adopt your motto.
I have run from the feelings that your letter invoked in me. I am hiding from you now. I refuse to lie to you, you deserve the truth.
I have loved Quatre since he emerged from Sandrock after that first battle.
I loved the ideal that Quatre represented. He is everything that should be preserved in our world. Realizing how I felt, it was obvious that I only loved half of Quatre the person. I was blind to his faults, even when he shot me down. And it only got worse after my amnesia.
This was unfair to Quatre, and I'm glad that I never acted on those feelings. Quatre is much better suited to Wufei, who sees, and loves, all of him.
It was also unfair to you. You are very real, and that couldn't compete with my deified vision of Quatre.
Thank you for making me see what I was doing. Thank you for making me stop. Your intervention freed me.
I don't know if I love you. What I feel for you is nothing like what I felt for Quatre. I am going to assume that this is a good thing. It means that maybe I see a little of the real you. I found it more difficult to hide while I was around you this last week. And that is a very good thing.
I realize that this uncertainty on my part may just be making things worse for you. However, I have something important to ask you, and I need you to know my reasoning before you answer.
Will you help me?
Will you teach me to feel as deeply as you do?
I want to return your love. Teach me how.
Please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The letter was unsigned, but Duo had no doubt about the identity of it's author. He stared at the uniform, slanted but slightly spiky handwriting. The sharpness suited Trowa.
[Yeah, yeah. So he has cool handwriting. What about what it *says*?!]
Duo shook himself, and looked over the letter again, trying to get his brain to comprehend it's meaning. Then he tried to decide if his heart could handle the non-commitment, maybe-emotion that Trowa was expressing.
[Hell yes!]
Duo felt his face stretch to accommodate an extra-wide grin. The smile was huge, even for him, and he fairly tingled with joy.
Trowa was willing! He had a chance!
Duo couldn't contain it any longer and bolted out the door, the letter clutched tightly in his hand.
Trowa was around here somewhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa kept his eyes fixed on the door toCatherine's trailer. He huffed in relief when one of the other performers called Catherine off to the side, leaving Duo alone.
Trowa held his breath when Duo paused in the door, and started chewing his lower lip nervously as soon as the braid disappeared inside.
Would Duo accept the half-measure?
Several eternities seemed to pass while Trowa waited.
The trailer door opened with a loud bang, emitting a black, red and chestnut streak, which burst into the middle of the crowd before pausing.
Duo swung his head around, causing his braid to whip around in a semi-circle behind him. Trowa was so startled by the sudden, quick movements, that it was a moment before he registered Duo's expression.
A wider, truer smile had never been seen. It was breathtaking. Relief flooded though Trowa, and he stepped out of the shadows so that Duo could see him.
The American caught sight of him and swooped towards him within the same heartbeat. Instead of being caught up in the enthusiastic embrace he had expected, Trowa found himself staring into a pair of insanely happy but serious violet eyes.
Finding himself unable to speak, he tilted his head and raised an eyebrow in silent question. Duo answered it with another question.
"Do you really want to?"
The eyes were so beautiful, with the storm of emotions showing in them. All Trowa could do was nod. For Duo, it seemed to be enough.
Suddenly Trowa felt strong arms around him, holding him against Duo. The American's scent invaded his senses, warmth surrounded him. He paused, then put his own arms around Duo and stepped backwards, pulling them both into the shadows.
Without the crowd's curious eyes on them, he could revel in the sensations Duo was causing. They just stood and held each other, Trowa could feel fine tremors running through Duo's arms, but was enjoying playing with the end of his braid too much to be concerned.
It was when he felt Duo's shoulders hitch that he gently pulled away so that he could look back into those eyes.
They shone with unshed tears, glimmering, but no moisture escaped to run down the smiling cheeks. Towa ran his thumb over Duo's cheek as if he were wiping them away, the motion asking his question.
"I'm just so happy! And that's so corny, but I don't care, and that makes me even happier!"
Trowa smiled at Duo's explanation, and received a brighter smile in return. That brought his attention from Duo's amazing eyes to his lips. Trowa's thought shifted along with his gaze, from concern to curiosity.
[Well, he's yours now, and you're his. Why not?]
Trowa leaned forward hesitantly, unsure of what he was doing. Duo's lips met him half way, and his eyes closed.
He was unprepared for the burst of so many different feelings and emotions that ran through him. Such a simple, gentle thing, this kiss, but Trowa felt his knees go weak, and he clung to Duo to keep himself standing.
As Duo's lips moved languidly over his, the emotions sorted themselves out and intensified. Only his years of self-control kept him from whimpering at the joyful pleasure of it.
Duo pulled back to give them both a chance to breath, and Trowa knew he had a dazed expression on his face. For once, Duo didn't say anything, just looked at him.
Trowa gathered himself under that loving scrutiny until he identified what exactly it had been that had blow him away.
A warmth spread across his chest that had nothing to do with Duo's shared body-heat. A light skittered through his soul, breaking him away from the pain and uncertainty. He felt his eyes widen in recognition of the dominant emotion.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Duo's expression change from curious to alarmed. Trowa smiled to reassure him before pulling him close again.
[It was just a kiss. I can't decide something this important based on just one kiss! No? How about two?]
Trowa's joyed confusion was answered by an internal voice that sounded suspiciously like Duo.
[I can live with that.]
Duo's lips met his again, briefly this time, before Trowa pulled away again. He had something important to say.
"That was the last thing I needed in order to be sure. And I am sure now".
Duo looked confused, and the beginnings of fear encroached on the joy in his eyes.
[Baka! He thinks you're going to push him away! Never.]
Trowa leaned in, to make sure that Duo heard him.
"I love you too".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An electric jolt ran from the top of Duo's head strait to the tips of his toes. His heart stopped as he tried to understand what Trowa had just said.
[He loves me! helovesme helovesme helovesme...]
Grinning like a fool, his mind running in circles, Duo hugged Trowa for all he was worth. He intended to never let go.
Then he remembered that Trowa needed to breath occasionally too, and loosened his hold a little, but didn't back away at all.
The shocks from Trowa's kisses were still running through him. That, mixed with the intense joy of Trowa's confession, conspired to render his usually prolific vocal chords silent. He couldn't think of one coherent thing to say.
[... helovesme helovesme helovesme helovesme ...]
He decided that incoherent would have to do.
"Iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou ..."
He landed soft, quick kisses all over Trowa's smiling face. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He was acting , and thinking, like one of those overly-enthusiastic romantic heroines a cheesy movie, and he was too happy to care.
Trowa's warm, callused hands on either side of his face stopped his movements. Both of them were smiling delightedly, and they stood there, just looking into each others eyes for a long moment.
As he had been lately, Trowa spoke first.
"Cathy's probably wondering where we are". Duo nodded in agreement. "We should probably join her". Duo nodded again.
"She'll want your decision". Duo bit his lip. "You are going to stay with us, right?"
Duo nodded so fast he made himself slightly dizzy. Trowa laughed, sending delightful shivers down his spine. All this emotion was making him a little silly. He reached forward to hug Trowa again.
"Gimme a second to calm down, or she's gonna think I'm drunk". Duo pouted a little and put a miniscule distance between himself and Trowa. It was Trowa's turn to nod.
They both took deep breaths to collect themselves, then walked arm-in-arm to Catherine's trailer. Trowa kept his slight smile, and Duo continued to grin like a lunatic.
They were facing a curious Catherine before actual thought resumed in Duo's mind.
[Life is good.]
And the words had never been truer.
The Letter: Epilogue
Three months after they had attemded Quatre and Wufei's wedding, Duo and Trowa were the major attractions for the circus. They had gone from L2 to L4, which was just a bit too convenient.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa could have sworn his heart stopped when he walked into his trailer and saw Quatre sitting there, waiting to talk to him.
He was now glad that he hadn't acted on his feelings for the Arabian. Quatre and Wufei were so happy. And it showed, even as Quatre apologized for unconsciously breaking his heart. Quatre had thought that he felt only friendship, and so had to move on.
[Like Duo]
The realization, that Quatre reaching out to Wufei was exactly what Duo had done by reaching out to him, humbled Trowa. He hadn't seen before what courage it must have taken for his beloved to reveal himself like that. Listening to Quatre apologize for following his heart had made Trowa's own heart twist, and he had stopped his friend quickly. Assuring the blond that he had made the right choice was the easiest thing that Trowa had ever done.
They had shared revelations, and were now close friends again. Which had brought them to the topic currently plaguing Trowa's mind. Namely being terrified by the most innocent physical contact. He would never forget the look on Quatre's face when he had flinched from a surprise apologetic hug. And it wasn't just from his friends either.
Why couldn't he just relax and let things progress? Duo's advances had scared him witless twice in the last week. It wasn't as if anything that he was doing was threatening, or particularly aggressive. So why was Trowa freaking himself out over a slightly more intense kiss, or a slightly lingering caress? He didn't know, so he had asked Quatre.
It had taken time, and many false starts, for him to enter into such a personal conversation. But Quatre was good with emotions, and married to a man almost as stoic as Trowa himself. A voice in the back of him mind, that still sounded suspiciously like the American, had asked: what the hell? So he had asked.
Quatre had been very informative. Trowa was sure that his face had been bright red for hours.
Of course that was after the impromptu therapy session concerning his childhood. He was sure his face had been white during that.
Now, he had done everything Quatre had suggested, including going to see properly certified medical personnel. Test results were in, and he didn't have to worry about killing Duo. That concern had nearly frozen him when Quatre had mentioned it.
He had come up with a plan, and was fervently hoping that he could go through with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa didn't know what Duo was up to. This in itself wasn't unusual, but today Trowa had plans of his own. How was he supposed to seduce Duo if the braided baka was arranging a surprise of his own?
[So figure out what it is and adjust accordingly. But... It's not like you have anything set up yet. You were a Gundam pilot! Adapt, dummy.]
Trowa found it difficult to argue with this new internal voice. It had shown up along with Duo's letter, and as always, Towa decided to follow it's advice. Altering his plans to go along with whatever Duo was doing wouldn't be that hard.
As if on cue, the schemer in question walked into the big-top. Trowa watched from his position on the high-wire platform. Duo pranced over to Cathy to talk to her. He didn't look up at the platform. Trowa's brow crinkled a little. It was still a mystery why he could sneak up on the ex-thief. He was sure that he wasn't stealthier.
[Most people would consider that an advantage. Just think of the possibilities.]
Trowa did, and felt his own pale imitation of the Shinigami grin twitch his lips. Duo was a bad influence on him, but he didn't care. He moved along the various wires and platforms until he was directly above the pair on the ground.
Duo waved his arms around, as was characteristic when he spoke excitedly. Learning the nuances of Duo's expressions and body language had been a pleasure. As had learning that not even Heero could read Duo as well as Trowa anymore. Cathy just laughed, and started pointing, obviously giving directions.
Trowa moved closer.
"Thanks. I hope he'll like the surprise".
"I'm sure he will Duo. Have fun". There was a sly note to Cathy's comment that Trowa didn't understand. Then he saw Duo's blush.
[It would seem that great minds think alike.]
Trowa felt a warmth in his chest, just as he did whenever Duo told him that he loved him.
*You'd think I'd be used to it by now.*
Trowa decided against following Duo. He wouldn't ruin his beloved's surprise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo stood at the center of the hotel room and admired his work. The place had been sparse when he had first walked in, now it was luxury incarnate.
[I must remember to thank Catherine for telling me about all those interior decorating stores. This stuff is great!]
He viewed the draped velvet and silk covering every available sitting surface, from the bed to the chairs to a section of floor in front of the fireplace. Candles were strategically placed so that they, plus the fireplace, would illuminate the whole room, without catching the draped fabric.
Everything was perfect, except that he was standing fully clothed in the middle of the room by himself.
[Easily remedied.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They ran into each other outside Trowa's trailer.
"Hey, Trowa. I was just coming to talk to you."
"Well, I'm glad to be found."
"Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" Trowa's breath caught. They hadn't been a 'couple' anywhere but the circus. He thought that they were going to keep it under wraps for a while. A smile twitched his lips, and it grew as an answering smile appeared on Duo's face.
"I'm going to take that as a yes." Trowa felt that elation that accompanied doing anything with Duo, and it overwhelmed him as Duo caught his breath. Soon he found his voice to answer.
"Sounds agreeable. Meet back here sevenish?"
"It's a date!"
"Exactly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa stood in the door to the hotel room, awestruck. Warm firelight cast dancing shadows over the walls and furniture, bringing out the rich colors Duo had chosen. It took his breath away.
The magician himself stood off to one side, wringing his hands together nervously.
"Do... do you like it?" Trowa nodded mutely, once again blown away by his beloved's effort. He moved around the room, taking it all in. His eyes paused at the bed, and he felt a smile stretch his face. He turned back to his hesitant soon-to-be lover, repeating aloud the thought he had had while eavesdropping.
"It would seem that great minds think alike". Duo's eyes widened before a grin split his face and he swooped in for a quick kiss.
"I'm glad. I was pretty sure you wouldn't mind, but not totally. Y'know?" He tilted his head to one side and just looked into Trowa's eyes. Love, patience, desire and laughter poured from violet depths.
[How did I live without this?
Not very well.
Damn straight.]
Trowa chuckled at himself before moving in for a longer, more satisfying kiss. Duo complied happily. Fingers combed through his hair and down his back in long, lingering caresses that set his whole body tingling in the nicest way.
He pulled the hair band from the end of Duo's braid, then pulled out of the kiss. He watched as his fingers combed through the fall of hair, unraveling the length for the first time in his presence.
"Beautiful. How the Hell did I get this lucky?"
"Ask again later". Duo grinned evilly and kissed him again, more forcefully. He gasped as a hot, moist tongue ran along his bottom lip. He moaned as his mouth was invaded, preventing another gasp. It felt so good twining his tongue with Duo's as they mock-warred for dominance of the kiss. He was trembling by the time they parted for air.
Duo pulled at his shirt, getting his hands beneath the material, running light fingers over solid, trembling muscle. His hands strayed neither high enough nor low enough, and Trowa nearly growled in need.
Sudden remembrance and accompanying fear kept him from acting.
Duo's slightest touch had been setting him aflame for three months and, damn it, he wasn't going to pull back this time!
Trowa suddenly leaned forward and nipped along Duo's jaw, heading for his ear, while his hands went for the buttons of the black shirt. Duo had dressed up for dinner, and now Trowa was grateful that his mouth wouldn't need to part from heated skin as he undressed his perfect beloved.
Trowa paused as Duo groaned. The black shirt had fallen to the floor, and Trowa was caught between the need to continue what he was doing, and the desire to pull back and simply look at Duo.
He settled for a glance out of the corner of his eye before landing kisses along Duo's collar bone. His fingers did the exploring for him, running over muscles covered in skin too soft to be believed. Duo shivered as Trowa decided to show him how this teasing should be done.
He ran just the tips of his fingers up Duo's chest, trailing lightly over contracted nipples. The other man had started trembling, and it only increased when Trowa stopped. They just stood there for a couple heartbeats before Duo figured it out.
"You have to step back a sec so I can get your shirt off" Duo chuckled as he quickly removed the offending clothing.
They moved back together, heaving chests meeting as they tried to crawl into each other's skin. Duo reacted to Trowa's touch with a wild passion, trying to reach, touch and taste everything at once. It was all Trowa could do to keep his knees from collapsing as he succumbed to Duo's hands and mouth.
Surrender had never been an option before, now it was an unequaled desire.
They tumbled back on the bed, a sprawl of long limbs, tongues and hair.
Soon they were both naked and writhing, but hushed in their ecstasy. They were both overwhelmed by feelings too big to contain, and yet too private to be shared with anyone but each other.
Duo's hands and mouth and trusting eyes slowly divested Trowa of his fear as well as his ability to think. He felt as if he was burning from the inside, an internal pressure that urged him to do something, anything to release it.
He wasn't sure who was more surprised, Duo or himself, when Trowa's body decided that he should be a little more aggressive. Neither of them minded the new arrangement.
He wasn't sure heaven could ever match the feeling of his beloved, unbraided baka writhing beneath him, surrounding him and whispering his name in his ear over and over.
He was sure that nothing else in life could.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo lay amid twisted sheets and tangled hair and just watched Trowa breathe. It was a simple thing, and yet Duo seemed fascinated. Actually, he was more fascinated by the fact that the breathing was so calm and even. When he had snuck into Trowa's trailer, just to watch him sleep, the other had always breathed in ragged gasps, in the grip of nightmares.
Duo smiled and snuggled into Trowa, leaving off his observation. The taller man's muscles tightened for several heartbeats. Duo was careful not to move too much. Soon Trowa relaxed and snuggled against him.
Duo had only hints of why Trowa shied away from him when his touch wasn't expected. Duo hadn't needed more than hints.
Vowing to banish such dark thoughts from both his and Trowa's minds, Duo joined his beloved in sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trowa awoke to the uneasy knowledge that there was another body next to his, and that neither of them had on a stitch.
Then he got a face-full of long, clean smelling chestnut hair. All was right with the world. He even smiled. Then laughed as Duo let out a snore sure to wake the rest of the hotel.
[If they ever got to sleep, you mean.]
Trowa felt lighter than he ever remembered feeling. The unease had faded, and he knew instinctively that it was only a matter of time before he wouldn't feel that unease in the first place.
He couldn't wait. But until then, he could already feel the effect of the initial tension on his muscles. He untangled himself from Duo and headed for the bathroom.
Trowa stepped into the shower, letting the hot water beat the tension out of his muscles. He was tired, a good tired, but he still felt as if he'd fought a contingent of mobile dolls. In some ways he had fought a much a fiercer battle. As he relaxed, Trowa once again felt a smile on his face.
He knew that Duo had been able to tell the difference in the two tensions that had gripped him since entering the room. When he had remembered the hands of his past and when he had been lost to sensation, Duo had reacted perfectly to each.
[All that experience he got learning how to read Yuy is very useful.]
Suddenly a wicked/fun thought came to Trowa. He felt the Shinigami grin stretch his face. Duo was definitely a bad influence.
He shut off the water and quickly toweled himself mostly dry. Walking back into the room, he stood, just watching Duo breathe. The other was still the most beautiful thing Trowa had ever seen.
He padded over to the bed, counting on Duo's continuing inability to sense his approach.
He quickly ran his tongue down Duo's spine, from shoulders to hips. His wet, chill bangs followed the movement. All the muscles in Duo's back suddenly stood out in sudden tense relief as he jumped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo awoke slowly to the fading heat beside him. He heard water running in the bathroom, and fought off the instinctive panic.
[Just cuz he's not right here, right this second doesn't mean he left you. Chill.]
He cursed himself for a paranoid thief and flipped over onto his stomach to go back to sleep.
He was shocked awake again by something moist and hot running down his spine, quickly followed by something cold, wet and ticklish. He jumped, barely biting back a cry of surprise.
[Relax. There's only one person who can take you by surprise like that.]
That thought went a long way towards mollifying him, even as he flipped over to glare at Trowa.
The sight of his own smile on that normally stoic face caught him up short. He gaped for several heartbeats before answering that fledgling with his own manic grin.
"Remind me to introduce you to someone else's sense of humor sometime."
Trowa laughed softly, and Duo noticed that his hair was wet and hanging over his face in a less gravity-defying way. It was, by far and away, the sexiest thing Duo had ever seen.
"Trowa"
"Hm?"
"You should smile like that more often".
Duo reached forward and used the towel around his waist to pull Trowa back to bed.
~*~ Owari ~*~
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