February

Genre: Song Fic

Pairings: 1x3, 2x3

Warnings: Yaoi, angst and sap.. OOC

Disclaimer: GW and it’s character’s are not mine.. But I really really wish they were! ^-~V neither is the song, it’s by Dar Williams.

Notes: This is dedicated to my dearest love. I love you with all my heart and Merry Christmas.

~ I threw your keys in the water

The water’s surface rippled slightly as the wind caressed its glassy likeness. Staring at it, he could see the small orb of emerald reflect off the surreal surface. There was a dull thrum in his head as he wondered if it only seemed dull because of the color of the water or if it was because his heart was beating with the same dull thud that he knew so very well. Leaning back he pulled his long legs up near his chest and rested his chin on his knees. The air grew colder with each passing second that he sat upon the old wooden pier that perched itself just above the watery surface. The hair that normally hung in a thick velvety curtain over his right eye rustled in the persistent wind revealing the second dull emerald. Blinking slightly he cast his gaze over the lake that he often visited in moments like these. He needed to think, time and space where he could sort things out before they drove him over the edge and into the icy water that lapped the desolate shores about it. His pale skin felt numb in the cold of the day. Images flared through his mind like an endless movie of memories, each tormenting him in some sort of way.

~ I looked back

~*~Flashback~*~

“Trowa?” the deep rich tenor voice broke the silence behind the tall slender boy, who stood with gentle repose on the pier, eyes locked on the frozen surface of the lake. Trowa turned to him slowly with a blank expression on his face. Answering only with a slight nod of his head. Walking forward, he stopped beside the boy with reddish-brown hair. His own dark brown hair tousled about as deep prussian eyes moved to look over the pilot of HeavyArms.

“What is it Heero?” the jaded eyes never moved from their fixed gaze over the water. Heero smirked slightly and moved closer to Trowa placing his strong hands on the slender boy’s hips and pulled Trowa toward him.

In a rough whisper, Heero spoke into Trowa’s ear causing chills to run throughout his body. “Trowa, I want you.” Trowa froze and his eyes widened. Emotions flared up within him and he couldn’t make out whether they were bad or if they were good. Feeling something catch in his throat, his eyes fell into the dark depths of Heero’s eyes. “Trowa, do you want me?” Feeling frozen in time he didn’t realize that in that one instant he nodded to the shorter pilot holding onto his waist firmly.

~*~

~ They’d frozen halfway down in the ice

He stood slowly as each muscle screamed in agony and then assumed a rigid posture as he felt the horrible urge to tremble. “I still don’t know.” He turned and started the walk to his car that seemed miles away. The emerald eyes narrowed as he took long elegant strides and fought off the urge to think any longer on the memories and emotions he had locked up inside of his heart. Each step grew harder than the last the closer he came to his car. Upon approaching the vehicle he turned and leaned against the cold metal jabbing his hands into his pockets then turning to stare up at the clouded sky. “Why don’t I want to go home?” the white puff of mist escaped his lips and dissolved into the wintry air.

~ They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owners

Driving into his driveway he noticed how much time had passed in his absence. Heero would be angry and demand where he had been. Oddly enough he didn’t mind so much at the moment. Stepping from the car he slipped the hardened and stoic mask firmly into its usual place on his slender and fair face. With careful freezing of his resolve he was determined not to let and emotion touch his repose this evening. Not where some one could see it. He reached out to slip the key into the door lock as it opened unexpectedly. Without noticing, the cool metal keys slid through his gentle grasp and clattered about on the hard concrete. Dull jade met bottomless cobalt causing his heart to quiver. Not a single word was spoken as Heero grabbed his arm firmly and pulled Trowa inside, only stopping to pick up the keys that laid silently on the pavement of the concrete walk.

Turning to place a cold glare on Trowa, Heero led him to the den and indicated for him to sit. As Trowa sat slowly he closed his eyes and hardened his resolve to remain completely silent. “Where have you been?” the deep blue glare intensified when no answer came from the silent boy. “Hn.” walking toward the door he paused before exiting. “I’ll be in the bedroom when you decide you’re ready to talk.” With this he was gone.

~ Even after the anger it all turns silent

After Trowa heard the soft click of the bedroom door he sighed heavily as if a huge burden had just fallen from his shoulders. The mask fell from his face and his face became flushed from the amount of frustration. Remaining silent and unmoving he made himself regain his composure. The tightening of his throat caused him to notice how dry it had become. So he rose and made his way quietly to the kitchen. Standing near the kitchen window he jumped at the sound of knocking on the kitchen door that led to the backyard. His empty gaze turned to the door and he quirked an eyebrow slightly. Opening the door he met a pair of intense amethyst eyes. “Heya Tro-kun!” the rich tenor voice called out happily as if lighting up the whole room, yet not even setting foot inside. The boy clad in total black threw his arms about the other and hugged him tightly. Trowa’s eyes widened as they looked upon the boy with the deep chestnut braid trailing down the center of his back and blinked at the visitor. “I just dropped by to tell you and Hee-chan hello! I’ll be in town for a long while!”

“Duo...” Trowa choked out the name then attempted to shake off the surprise and nodded to him. Turning to walk back to the kitchen counter he stared blankly out the window into the graying twilight sky.

Duo tilted his head curiously and the braid fell heavily to one side. Remaining silent in the doorway, he did not enter. He knew something was wrong and worry grew in his heart, but still he said nothing. It wasn’t his place. Stepping backward he placed on his typical cheery smile trying to cover the longing in his eyes. “Well, I won’t stay and bother you two, so I’ll be heading off.” Trowa looked at him with a blank expression as Duo waved and turned, closing the door softly behind him.

Blinking, Trowa felt confused, and so very alone.

~ Nearly everyday turns solitary, So we came to February

Weeks passed and soon December and January were gone. Each day Trowa was left alone. Heero would go out and leave him at home. The house wasn’t very big, but the empty silence made it seem enormous. His lover came home late each evening and would come to him for comfort. Conversations didn’t seem to occur anymore. Duo ended up moving into the area. The DeathScythe pilot never gave reason, but he would come over each day and keep Trowa company for small portions of the day. It seemed nice to Trowa, having laughter in the house. He didn’t hear laughter very often. Sometimes he even caught himself wondering what it would be like to be with Duo instead of Heero, but those thoughts were quickly shoved away, leaving him to feel alone once more.

~ First we forgot where we planted those bulbs last year

And then we forgot we’d planted them at all

Then we forgot what plants were all together

The two sat in the living room with no sound to be heard. The jade eyes drifted slowly with boredom to look out the window at the cold. There he saw the frame of an empty flowerbed. An eyebrow quirked slightly as he studied the neglected wood. Snow filled its bounds and threatened to bury it completely, obscuring it from view entirely. Heero followed the other’s gaze then looked at him. “What are you looking at?” Trowa snapped his consciousness back to the room and blinked at Heero blankly. The cobalt eyes shifted from Trowa’s blank gaze then to look out the window again. “It’s snowing a lot. We’ll need to shovel it soon if we don’t want to get home bound.”

Trowa fought the urge to gasp and glare at the other present. The boy in a green tank top and tight blue jeans seemed like a caged bird thrusting itself upon the bars in hopes of freedom. He dropped his eyes then trailed them back to the disappearing flowerbed. Sighing in deep emotional exhaustion he spoke softly, “Hai...”

~ And I blamed you for my

Freezing and forgetting and

Standing at the sink Trowa attempted to wash the dishes by hand. He did this now and again to keep his mind occupied. Heero was not home again. Did Heero care how lonely he felt? Then it seemed it wouldn’t matter even if he did. Freezing in his heart, he didn’t think it was able to thaw ever again. A deep heartfelt sigh slipped passed the lips that tried so hard to hold it in. He was after all, in this hole by his own choosing. So maybe this was happily ever after. It just didn’t feel that way...

“TRO-KUN!” A loud crash sounded through the kitchen as Duo pushed through the kitchen door only to see Trowa mumbling silently to himself and looking at the shattered glass on the linoleum floor. Duo flushed a deep red in embarrassment. He knew he’d startled Trowa from his thoughts causing the dish to crash onto the floor and bust into many intricate pieces. Kneeling down he began to sweep the shattered pieces up into one pile. Trowa watched him in astonishment. Duo didn’t look up but a piece of glass embedded itself in his finger and the stinging pain ran straight to his eyes and moisture began to build. “Itai..” His voice was a soft whimper and he hoped that Trowa hadn’t heard.

Trowa partially rolled his eyes then slowly knelt down beside the other boy and took his hand gently to look at the cut. Crimson blood domed and sent small droplets down the pale skin of the slender finger. Without a word he placed the finger to his lips gently and pulled the glass fragment from the skin and placed it in his own hand. Raising his emerald eyes to Duo, he attempted to smile but failed. “You’ll be ok...”

Duo looked at him and blinked still cradling his hand. “Will you be ok though?” Trowa jumped and looked away making Duo want only to hug him. What pain lay in Trowa’s heart, he only could wish he knew.

~ The nights were cold and long and scary

Will we last through February?

The room was a palpable black. The air hung heavily on his chest and he found it hard to breathe. Rolling onto his side he gazed at Heero on the bed beside him. At night you could see the emotions in his face. The nightmares, the pain, even the content happiness of dreamless sleep. Trowa didn’t envy the hurtful things, but he envied him because he could actually sleep through it. He reached a hand toward Heero and his body began to tremble. Swallowing hard he steadied the hand and caressed the smooth cheek. It felt so warm to the touch, but it was also because his hands were cold as ice. Heero stirred then turned over and faced away from him. He felt the moisture build in his eyes, but he blinked them away. Would he be able to make it through these feelings?

~ And I think Christmas was a long red glare

Shut up like a warning, we gave presents without cards

Trudging through the deepening snow, the lithe boy dragged the old Christmas tree across the back lawn. Duo had given them the confounded tree because he thought Trowa and Heero should get into the Christmas spirit. Trowa groaned and allowed himself to fall loosely onto the white blanket of numbing cold. His arms and legs began to burn from the extreme cold but he pushed the feelings away as he stared blankly at the tree on the ground before him. What did Duo tell him? Christmas was for people to express their love by giving from the heart. Trowa felt his body tremble.

On Christmas morning Trowa had considered the idea of making an attempt to celebrate the holiday. Now he knew he should never have listened to the braided baka. His teeth gritted together as he remembered Heero walking into the kitchen that morning and act as if that day were like any other. Heero never received the gift Trowa had bought him, and Trowa no longer cared to try for the normal life that Duo tried so hard to show him.

~ And then the snow, and then the snow came

We were always out shoveling

And we’d drop to sleep exhausted

The pain just grew deeper with each passing moment. Heartache was just the constant thrum he knew as normal, just as loneliness felt like an every day affair. Duo didn’t visit as often as before, and Heero started to show more interest, but to Trowa, it was too late. They sat together in front of the fire staring at the dancing flames in silence. Moving closer, Heero slipped his arms about Trowa’s waist and rested his chin on the taller boy’s shoulder. “Trowa... how are you?”

Trowa turned his head slightly to look at Heero from beneath the reddish-brown veil. “Hn.” With no other response he returned his gaze to the flickering flames. Heero looked at him in shock. Knowing Trowa to be quiet, he didn’t remember him like this. Could you truly live with some one and forget who they are?

“Don’t want to talk?” Heero’s voice had a slight sharpness to it, but Trowa didn’t catch it.

“No.” The frozen jade stayed on the fire and never moved. No matter how intently he looked at that warmth, he could no longer feel it.

“Trowa...” Heero felt the energy drain from him the longer he looked at his lover. Something needed to help this downward spiral, but he couldn’t do anything to help it tonight. Feeling powerless he closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep. Trowa never moved, and only hours afterward did he finally fall into a fit full sleep.

~ And we’d wake up and it’s snowing again

The next morning Heero woke first. Looking down at Trowa he saw what looked like a lost child trapped in a world alone. Heero blinked slightly then gently shook the boy awake. “Trowa?” leaning down to Trowa’s ear he whispered softly. “It’s morning.”

A pair of deep emeralds slid into view slowly. Moving only slightly to look up at Heero, Trowa’s face changed instantly into his emotionless state. He nodded slightly then moved his body into a sitting position and drew his knees to his chest. Heero stared at him in disbelief. Nothing had changed over night, and Heero was left standing on the starting line once more.

~ And February was so long

It lasted into March

And it found us walking a path alone together

You stopped and pointed and you said, “that’s a crocus”

Trowa noticed, Heero trying to make up to him. Though, Heero only met a heart unwilling to open up again to him. The pain was too deep and he couldn’t hear through the deafening silence he’d locked himself in. Heero couldn’t reach him, and he was sure that no one could. He had never believed he had been cut out for a fairy tail ending, but somewhere in his heart, he wished he could have been.

Heero felt lost in this constant circle. It was even harder to bear than all the killing and bloodshed he’d ever caused throughout his lifetime. Being raised, as the “perfect” soldier never prepared him for the agonies he faced now. He was never taught how to act or keep love alive. With out a single doubt, he knew this was his fault, but he knew also, that pride would never admit that to Trowa.

~ And I said, “what’s a crocus?”

And you said it’s a flower

I tried to remember, but I said, “What’s a flower?”

You said, “I still love you.”

“Trowa?” Heero’s deep blue eyes gazed at the tall boy hopefully from behind the jagged deep brown bangs. “Do you think we can fix what’s wrong?”

Trowa looked up at him with the same empty gaze that made Heero want to cry in pain. A slight shake of the head was the only answer he gave to the other boy. Heero dropped his head and clenched his fists until the knuckles turned white. Trowa watched him motionlessly.

The soldier just shook his head as his breathing began to regulate. Never removing his gaze from the floor he pressed a hand to his forehead. “Did I make you this way? You weren’t this cold when we first met...” Trowa stood and placed a frail hand on the well-toned shoulder. Heero looked up at him with misted over eyes.

Closing his eyes, he dropped his head before whispering softly, “Please forgive me.” The eyes of prussian widened further then he nodded. Stepping back, Trowa never met the intense blue gaze.

“Trowa... I still love you.” Heero looked down then walked out of the room slowly closing the door with a soft click behind him. Trowa then walked without seeing to a chair and fell into it heavily. Though, the heavy weight that had sat on his shoulders for so long was gone, it didn’t ease the pain he felt for wounding the Wing pilot. He curled his long slender body into a ball in the chair and fought off the urge to cry.

Duo peeked in quietly from the kitchen door into the living room to see Trowa. The amethyst eyes widened then he rushed over to Trowa and knelt in front of the chair. Reaching a hand out he touched the other boy’s cheek. “Tro-kun? Are you ok?”

Opening his eyes he looked at Duo. His hand felt so very warm against his cheek sending a shock through his body, and through his heart. “Duo...” Tears built up and soon began to spill like rain drops down the smooth cheeks. Duo smiled softly and brushed the tears away. There was a light in his eyes that told Trowa all he needed to know, and no words were needed.

~ The leaves were turning

As we drove to the hardware store

My new lover made me keys to the house

It had been almost a year since Heero had moved out and Duo had moved in. Everyday was so different, so exciting with Duo around. Trowa had been locked up in silence for so long, he didn’t know how to handle all the love that Duo so freely spilled over like a waterfall of endless joy. Trowa sat quietly before the fire reading a book, legs folded neatly beneath him. Soon he found that the book was gone only to turn and find Duo kneeling behind him with a sweet smile on his heart shaped face. Trowa smirked slightly only causing the little impish boy to grin excitedly. That was the closest thing thus far to a smile Duo had seen. Pure determination and an over abundance of love were the best weapons Duo could use to brighten Trowa’s heart. Everyday felt warmer and he didn’t feel alone anymore. Shaking his head he reached for the book, but Duo hid it behind his back. “Duo, please?”

The grin grew wider “You can come get it.” Duo’s eyes sparkled as he winked at him. Trowa turned a deep shade of crimson then turned and tried to reach around the American. Just as Trowa’s nose was about to brush against his, Duo moved forward and pressed his lips to Trowa’s with loving firmness. Dropping the book he moved his arms to wrap them about the other’s slender waist. As the kiss broke Duo pulled back just enough so he could study Trowa’s face. The emerald eyes shimmered slightly and his cheeks were a soft blush only proving that Trowa was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

~ And when we got home, well we just started chopping wood

‘Cause you’ll never know how next year will be

And we’ll gather all our arms can carry

The slender boy stood on the pier casting his gaze over the water one more time. This time he couldn’t wait to leave. There was no longer that dull ache in his heart that weighed down his thoughts or his ability to love. The wind ruffled the velveteen hair as he turned away from the expanse of water. He took the same long elegant strides as before, but this time they were lighter and the car didn’t seem close enough. Today, Trowa came to say goodbye to the unfair pain in his heart. The only sad regret was that it took so long to let it go. Duo was so full of life, and yet so patient when it came to him. He hoped in his heart, that Duo would teach him how to live as well. No amount of telling someone you love them even though they don’t return it in the same abundance would be enough. Trowa knew he wouldn’t be satisfied till he could love Duo to the same depth and warmth as he so freely gave to him. Duo kept telling him that this was a time for healing, and that he would wait an eternity, just for him.

~ I have lost to February...

- Owari -

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