Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
You Must be Forty-something If... We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and The Pill.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ballpoint pens. Before pantihose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We were before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, wordprocessors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.
For us, time sharing meant togetherness, not computers or condominiums. A "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word.
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. You could buy ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed. COKE was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
A letter from an Arkansas mother to an Arkansas son
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, 'cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week...three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your father...he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
About your sister...she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him...he burned for three days.
Not much more news at this time, nothing much happened. Write more often.
Love, Mom
P.S. - I was going to send money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Texas Talk
Ahzzz - the things you see with
Aig - Which come first, the chicken or the aig?
Arn - an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing
Bawl - what, water does at 212 degrees - "Bubba, did you bawl them aigs yet?"
Bidness - commercial enterprise
Bobbycue - a delectable southern sandich of chopped pork, cole law and a fiery sauce
SoDee Pop - any form/brand of soft drink
Crine - weeping
Dawfins - name of the pro football team in Miami
Daints - a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music
Dayum - an expletive - in other states, a four-letter word
Doc - a condition caused by an absence of light
Ever - each - "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off."
Hep - a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
Lectricity - energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs
Own - opposite of awf (see lectricity)
Paypuh - what you write on
Shevuhlay - a General Motors car
Spearmint - something scientists do
Tar - a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat
Uhmurkin - someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka
