1a. Bright-Eyed Novice (Pagan style)
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a_Goddess_ and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
1b. Bright-Eyed Novice (Magick style)
Has seen "The Craft" and "The Matrix" twenty-seven times each and is convinced that there is SOMEONE out there who can teach them how to dodge bullets and make their hair change color by running their hands through it. Stole all of the Crowley books from their public library, but needs someone to tell them what they mean.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Nerdy but slightly forbidding looking, wears lots of black and several arcane looking medallions. Often seen staring at match heads trying to will them to burst into flame.
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would NEVER be "caught dead" skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_ with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be
wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy.
Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their Rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours?(I have Never allowed any Coven Ritual held in MY house to be more than 90 minutes long. So there!) It's a High Episcopagan! (OK, so I just located myself in this list. Priestess looks around to see who is watching..) They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, ( Well, if you plan on being in the Cast of a RenFaire, it helps...) have more ritual garbs than most people have socks,(but...I "need" nine white robes, six black robes, two green ones, four red outfits, two in blue...ect...etc...etc...) and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.( Please note Anton LeVey did NOT make the list...)
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes.( No it does not, it's on floppy disks...the iomega zip files...) Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" ( Harrumph! I just *happen* to like the music, that's all...) Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.( and that is NOT a hat, it's a cap and it is NOT for a ritual robe, its my RenFaire outfit)
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must _really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be _way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a
worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying
attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous
all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship. Believes all the secrets of magick were brought to earth by extraterrestrials and is not-so-patiently awaiting their return.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depiction's of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_ -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Top Secret Orderian
In possession of the SECRET KEY to all the mysteries, which justifies the obvious distain they exhibt for all other paths besides their own.( I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to make any comment here at all...*giggle* ) Generally avoids contact with those beneath their level of enlightenment (ie. not members of their secret order), except during high priced seminars to extol the advantages of joining them and paying your dues on time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Goes by the title of Soror or Frater, followed by either a gothy sounding name or a series of initals seperated by three dots, and often then followed by a number. When they don't know the answer
to something, they'll tell you "It's beyond your grade." ( or PROMISE you that *when* you have finished all of the 5,982 Levels of Attainment, you will get your very own "TOP SECRET Book of Neato Stuff" complete with Pictures, diagrams, Rituals, passwords...etc...etc...etc...)
23. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would
you like a reading???? Will that be Visa or MasterCard????
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You have never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
I am posting a picture of some very Special friends, Selrach and his lovely wife and children. To My dear sister "soft kitten" thank you for the really "all time" Wonderful banner you designed and made for this site. I think it adds a lot to the website and is once again an indication of your talents. Thanks, luv....Priestess
Rants 
To the charming person called "aradia" that sent me an e mail called "pagan college"...I would really prefer to think you had no idea that your e mail carried a really ugly virus with no known cure. Fortunately my anti-virus Panda picked this up before the e mail was opened. Please accept my personal Thank You gift for offering me an opportunity to see that my computer defense systems are in order.
A special "thank you" to the person calling himself 418.( editor's note: see sections 2, 4 and 22 in previous article ) I have no idea why you sent me that URL as you made no personal comments reguarding your reasons at all. As a proud member of the Caliphate OTO I personally find scurrilous remarks about Bill Breeze ( whom I have had the pleasure of meeeting and speaking with on several occasions ) and the late Grady McMurtry somewhat boring and slightly offensive. Being a true Thelemite I have awarded you a Prize, however. I am posting your URL address so that anyone who decides to visit your website can write to you with their comments/concerns. No doubt you are so busy worrying about who is "legal" and who is "not legal" and making rather slanderous remarks about the sanity of other persons that you did not have time to respond to my query as to why you sent this.I was Very Nice in my letter to you, too.
