A fellow finds a bottle, and when he opens it a genie pops out
and grants him three wishes. But whatever you wish for your ex-wife
gets double. I would like a million dollars, he says. Poof, he has
a million dollars but his ex gets two! I would like a big house,
he says. Poof, he gets a big house and his ex-wife gets two. Third
wish the genie says? Pick up that stick beside you and beat me
half to death!
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished
his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and
fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells
with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS
AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA
DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE
TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse
is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say
partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by
St. Peter.
"Well Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer
into almost every home in America. Yet, you also created that GHASTLY
Windows '95. In your case, I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm going to let you decide where you want to spend eternity, which will it be
Heaven or Hell?"
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision."
"Fine, But where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful clean, sandy beach with clear, cool water
and lots of bikini-clad women running around playing in the surf, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very
pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps
and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick moment and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell." he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being unspeakably burned and
tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is
happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the
scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??!
"Oh, that was a *DEMO*." replied St. Peter.
President Clinton will soon be 52, but he still has the body of a
20 year old.
When Hillary's not around.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner
for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by
the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to
the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is
the only thing you care to exercise.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere
above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael
Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal
oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the
passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and
the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news
is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there
are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw
open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the
world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign
below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A rather well-proportioned secretary named Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way
up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan
asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm
covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a
"Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car ....and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed!!
I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the
Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker
really worked!! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
The guy behind be started to honk like crazy. He must really love the
Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus
Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting
"Go, Jesus Christ !!! GO!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window and
waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy
from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about
a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They
squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign......so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like
"Mother Tucker", must have thought I was someone he knew from church.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted
to pray.........but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow and I
stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver
to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I
leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the
Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against
Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept
pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would
now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed
of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs
30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the
sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you
really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE
AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded ,"I knew that had to be the Microsoft building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but
completely useless answer.
