When people eat…it makes me ill. They devour, chew, munch, swallow, and burp their way to capacity. I’m an anorexic by choice not by circumstance. I wish to take no part in humanities collective goal to stuff themselves fat. Congratulations America! Our civilized consumer vision has spread like a wildfire upon an already emaciated forest. The corporate manifest destiny stretches the globe and will soon permeate the great beyond. Rockets will travel into the depths of space and deposit billboards for McDonalds, banners for R.J. Reynolds, and neon signs for Chicks and Chicks; an all you can eat chicken buffet and strip club. Soon the Gamma Quardianians on Bluck-Bluck Zero will know that Almond Joy’s got nuts…Mounds don’t. Nothing is sacred anymore in today’s food market. Hell, even the Chinese blame the American Fast Food industry for the fattening up of their beloved children. They’re having an awfully hard time fitting their kids through those tiny classroom doors. The schools just weren’t built for grease-infested arteries. Communism isn't nearly as devastating to their entire culture as a Double Whopper with cheese. I’m not even sure we need to have the United States Military roaming the Earth in defense of the American Dream anymore. Instead of fighting Iraq and South Korea with missiles and armored tanks we should just break out the gut rockets and Cheetos. That way, all of our enemies will get to be just as fat and bloated as we are and then we can slap on our Speedos and have one big international belly flopping contest to see who the next great world power is gonna be. Interestingly enough, in this country it seems that the tables between the haves and the have nots is slowly beginning to shift in the opposite direction. Think back to your third, fourth…hell, maybe even fifth life before this one. Remember how King What’s-his-face used to eat so much you, as his humble dining room servant, had to rush over and hand remove a complete breast of chicken from his throat before he suffocated on his own muted screams? So what is it with today’s so called Royalty? Today, we live in a land where Courtney Cox Arquette and Calista Flockhart are considered goddesses because they weigh as much as Ron Jeremy’s penis on a good day. Who wants to watch them do anything but eat? Please girls…you’re going to DIE! Shit, I remember the days when it used to be cool to be fat. You remember the Fat Boys right? Their sista’s in soul, the Ho-Hoes and those rip off artists Chunksta Rhymes and Float? Well guess what kids. They were never cool. And neither are Mrs. Cox or her motherfucking Broomstick. We as Americans, and participants in the so-called greater good, need to learn a beautiful word, moderation. We need to learn to be happy in our skin, at one with our bodies and our minds. It’s unhealthy to eat your weight in food in a single sitting. Pace yourself and have that weight broken up into portions. Drink some water instead of a coke. Have a salad instead of a burger with bacon. Think with your head and not your gut. The same can be said for the beanpole babes in the magazines. As Sir-Mix-A lot once said, “You ain’t it Miss Thang” Put a little meat on your bones for god sakes. This world is too damned short for my ass to have to watch you waste away to fit some bullshit image NBC has forced you to adapt too. Now, you may ask yourself, “Why in the world has he picked food as a center piece for an entire monologue?” It’s actually quite simple really…I haven’t eaten, and I’m hungry as hell.
SHUTUP! YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY!!!