Man Commits Suicide During Debates

by Brian Melton

October 4 Boston, MA--Jonathan Blame had everything going for him. He was good looking, had a good job with a good future, was a graduate student at the University of Massachusetts, he was living life to it’s fullest. So authorities are left wondering “Why did Jonathan Blume kill himself in the third row of the Presidential Debates Tuesday night?”

Jonathan Blume was found lying in his third row chair sometime close to the end of the debates with both of his wrists cut open. He allegedly used his “Gore/Liberman 2000” pin to slowly cut open his arteries. Pinned to his shirt underneath his “Bush/Chenney” button was a scribbled note saying, “I’m going to quit while we’re ahead.”

A close friend of Jonathan, Julie Swan, released a statement early this morning saying, “He was so eager to hear both of the nominees put on a rousing debate. It’s all he talked about for weeks. It was the biggest night of his life. It’s such a tragedy.”

Lucy Handel was sitting next to Jonathan during the suicide. “I thought he had just fallen asleep like everyone else in the audience. He cried out in agony after G.W. Bush said, ‘I’m starting to think that my opponent not only invented the Internet, he invented the calculator as well.’ but I thought he was just disgusted at the comment. I didn’t really notice the blood until really late in the debates because I had sort of fallen asleep.”

Authorities have concluded that the geriatric pace of the debates and the overwhelming amount of insipid statements coming from the mouths of the candidates caused Blume to spin into a deep depression. “He was pushed to the brink of insanity and decided to kill himself.” said Police Chief Sternum of the Boston Police Department. “Can you really blame him?”

After hearing about the incident, Al. Gore said, “I’m not pointing any fingers but it must have been my opponent’s position on prescription drugs that must have pushed that guy over the edge.”

Dubyah released a statement saying, “I have said it many times during my campaign. I am pro-life and will reverse Rod Vs. Elaine if given the chance.”

Suicide is not funny Brian...