Special Report -- "Killer coffee buzz man!"

By Brian J. Melton

Many Doctor’s say that Caffeine is bad for your body, but Matthew Dillard of Ringdale, Massachusetts found out the hard way.

Early Wednesday morning Mr. Dillard, an administrative assistant at the law firm Montana, Wyoming, and Leech, had ingested his third cup of coffee in as many minutes, one co-worker reported, when he:

“Just went out of control!” said Samantha Sheppard, 25, co-worker and friend. “I told him that he needed to slow down on the coffee. I hate it when coffee burns your tongue and you have that numbness in your mouth for the next two days. I didn’t want Matthew to have to go through that. I was worried for his personal safety. But I never thought it would end up like it did.”

Mr. Dillard, who in the past has had a propensity to bite off more than he could chew, not look both ways before crossing the street, and count his money while sitting at the table, went into a turrets-like fit of screaming and cursing that carried on for a reported fifteen minutes.

“He said c*ock at least five-hundred times.” Said James Fader, mail room clerk. “Then he started rapping the lyrics to “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany and the last thing I saw of him he was headed back towards his desk.”

What happened after Mr. Dillard returned to his desk will forever be shrouded in mystery. Just moments after Fader saw Dillard in the hall, company sweetheart and all around nice girl, Jody Will, found him lying face down on his desk with a Number-2 pencil shoved up his nose, piercing his brain.

“It was just so horrible to see him lying there like that.” Said Jody of the incident. “I was just going to ask him if he wanted another cup of coffee before I threw the pot out.”

Apparently Mathew Dillard, 26 of Ringdale Massachusetts did not need another cup of coffee.

I can down 6 cups in 5 seconds and handle it man!

Email: goldenma@aol.com