February 5, 2001
Washington D.C. ---Coodle X, a member of the FBI’s top secret code breaking squad, codename “Noogie” discovered the missing code early this morning that may lead to the remains of a WWII Corporal who has been missing in action since dropping on the shores of Normandy in 1944.
“What we have discovered here blows away any previous evidence which had stated that Corporal Klinger never made it to the shores of Normandy. The captain of Klinger’s ship, Captain Roger Moore of the 34th division, before his death in 1999, released a statement saying that Corporal Klinger may not have dove off his boat in a fit of hysterics and could have actually been taken by the enemy as a prisoner of war. The evidence we have here today supports this suspicion, and as we now decode the message, we may very well find out what the Corporal’s last words might have been.” says Coodle X.
“Hopefully this will bring some closure to the matter at hand.” said Ronald Klinger, the only son of Susan Klinger and Corporal Klinger. Mrs. Klinger, who has been living alone with 6 cats since receiving the letter of her husband’s suicide, will find out today if her husband stood proudly on the shores of Normandy with his fellow soldiers. “The Klinger name will be restored to it’s rightful glory,” said Mrs. Klinger. “You don’t know how hard it was watching the television show M*A*S*H, knowing damned well that the cross-dressing freak Corporal Klinger was modeled after my late husband.”
“We will now decode the message,” Cootie X told reporters at a press conference this morning. “The first word is...COULD. The second looks like it’s...SOMEONE. Oh this is good...this is really good. The third word is...PLEASE. And the fourth...GET. Fifth...ME...The sixth...SOME...Seventh...REAL...Eighth...FOOD. Ninth...THESE.Tenth...RATIONS...Eleventh...TASTE...Twelfth...LIKE...Thirteenth...SHIT. Could someone please get me some real food? These rations taste like shit! We now have proof that Corporal Klinger did indeed make it to the shores of Normandy!”
"My husband never did like those rations," a teary eyed and emotional Mrs. Klinger said.
Military rations aren't THAT bad Brian...