September 14, 2000
Arabi, LA--There is an increasing trend spreading across America like a rash and it doesn’t bear the face of Brittany Spears or include the name “Fitch”. It’s the growing number of corporate marketing in our nations public schools. From screen savers bearing company adds on classroom computers to softdrink companies with exclusive rights to sell their products in schools, this is just the newest attempt of Corporate America to bludgeon today’s youth with constant marketing tactics.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than in Arabi, Louisiana where Burger King has recently signed a contract with Minderbinder Elementary School to tattoo their familiar logo upon the left shoulder of every student enrolled in the small suburb’s elementary school. In return for the exclusive rights to the human billboards, Burger King has guaranteed every faculty member free lunch until the year 2012, when the contract with the school is up for renewal.
“It’s hard to get the children to sit still,” says Minderbinder Principal Louis Debuke between bites of his BK Broiler, “They squirm and kick and it’s all we can do to get the little bastards to settle down.” When asked if Mr. Debuke has had the Burger King logo tattooed upon his own left arm, Mr. Debuke replied, “You’ve gotta be kidding me! Do you know how much that hurts?”
Associate Principal David Lynch comments that, “We really are quite lucky to have such a strong corporate sponsor like Burger King in our little elementary school. It’s not like McDonald’s is knocking down the doors of any area schools.” When asked about any parental objections to the tattooing of their children Lynch replied, “Well, we have received a few complaints. You know, parent’s threatening to sue. Most of them mention something about human rights and the constitution. But you know what, you’d be amazed at what a year’s supply of those delectable little onion rings will do for a parent’s state of mind. We recently had a child transfer here when we offered his parents a weeks worth of Chicken Sandwiches. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“It’s actually kinda cool.” says 6th grade Minderbinder student Jacob Watts. “All my friends from other schools are jealous.” When asked about the permanency of the marketing ploy Jacob said, “Well I could always get it changed to say Booger King. That would be awesome!”
“It hurt real bad.” said 2nd grade spelling bee champ Julie Washburn. “My arm was stinging so bad. I cried for my mommy but Principal Debuke told me to be real quiet and good or else he was going to hurt my kitty. So I tried to stop crying. I didn’t want him to hurt Whiskers. Can I have my sucker now?”
Many cynical members of the town of Arabi have begun to petition against the actions of Minderbinder Elementary and are raising quite a stir. “It’s just not ethical,” says the president of Cynics Anonymous, whose name cannot be printed to assure that her next door neighbors do not think poorly of her. “I just can’t condone the selling and distribution of these little kids. What’s going to happen next? Are sports agents going to start approaching High School athletes with cars and prostitutes? Are girls who are barely old enough to drive going to be paraded around as sex symbols on billboards and television? I mean, how far are they going to take this?” When told that these practices have been going on for years, the President could only shake her head and say, “Damn. We are surely all doomed to hell”.
Brian Melton can be contacted at
Really? I had no idea that they were marketing geniouses at Burger King!
I don't want to go to hell...fuck Burger King