THE 2000 UNFINISHED AWARDS

All right Unfinished readers! You’ve picked your favorites in each category, we’ve tallied the votes, and now it’s time to award the deserving recipients of this year’s UNFINISHED AWARDS. So without further a due, here is this year’s list of Winners.

The “Recycler of the Year” Award goes to:

Well Austin, it’s been another great year for Recycling in our wonderfully environmental friendly town, and we here at Unfinished Boundaries would like to give out our award for the Best Recycler in Austin, Texas too…47-year old Miles Franklin. As an unemployed alcoholic, and father of two, Miles does his part each and every week to cart his overwhelming amount of beer bottles and empty fifths of Whisky down to the curb of his East Side Duplex. He’s been helping to clean up the environment now for twenty-five years! This year by far was his most overachieving year to date due to out of court settlement with Yancy Dillinger, topless dancer. “I just figured I would try to give even more back to the Earth this year.” Said Mr. Franklin between swigs of Beam. And give back he did…Miles recycled just a little over 2,000 lbs of glass this year.

The “Hands Off That Twinkie” Award goes to:

Food is an incredibly personal item to most American people, and even more so to 230 lb Melissa Bearback of Lansing, Michigan. During the early hours October 24th of this year, Melissa was groggily walking about her three-bedroom home after waking up with a case of “the hungries”. When she finally arrived in her kitchen thirty minutes later, Melissa was shocked to find her son, 14-year old Brandon (weighing in at 200lbs himself), greedily stuffing his mouth full of the precious gold that is a Twinkie. “I just stood, awash in terror,” said a retrospective Melissa, “I thought he had eaten the last one!” Melissa then screamed, “Get your hands off that Twinkie!” thereby preserving her God given right to eat what “her hard earned money buys.”

The “I Still Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Award goes to:

Frank Lamb of Beechwood, California who still, “Can’t believe it’s not butter.”

The “Most Abhorrent Display of Gratuitous Vocabulary” Award goes to:

While we bequeath this award to one female alone, many women all over the United States of America are quite qualified to receive this stately and quite impressive award. However, one woman ascends far and beyond to oust her competition. That woman is 42-year old English Professor and noted scholastic overachiever Sandy Handburg of Santa Fe, New Mexico. “I suppose I have been striving my entire existence to amplify, enhance, and enlarge my vocabulary, in order to further get my convictions across to anyone willing to listen with an unguarded dictionary. In my reception of this award, I am assured that perhaps human beings, species Homo sapiens, will no longer miss construe my attempts at enlightening as well as engaging. Thank you.” Yeah…whatever Sandy.

The “Hug Your Own Damned Tree You Fucking Hippie” Award goes to:

Could it go to anyone else? This award is going to George W. Bush, who is eagerly waiting for his turn in the White House so he can overturn any single Environmentally Friendly Legislation passed by the Clinton Administration. Right now he is salivating at the idea of making millions of dollars by selling Alaska to a Pipeline Company, making millions of mutants by removing all restrictions on industry in Houston, TX, and making millions of coats by skinning 1.2 billion baby seals off the coast of the Greenland ice belt. “Laura needs a new winter jacket, so I figure that I’ll kill off a few dozen seals here and there and keep my precocious baby pretected from the weather.” That Dubyah; always looking out for our well-being.

The “I’ve Got More Money Than You” Award goes to:

Ryan Enderson of New York, New York because he has more money than me. It is reported that Mr. Enderson, after a long day of slaving over his Dell Pentium 4 Workstation, complete with 1 gig of RAM, 80 gig Hard drive, DVD player and 16 speed RW CD-ROM Drive and drinking a horribly made pot of gourmet coffee, decided to leave work early to beat the rush hour traffic in order to stop by Harry’s to purchase a $3,000 sofa that probably wouldn’t fit into his three-story home. On his way to Harry’s, Mr. Enderson’s 2000 Executive Model BMW Convertible was stalled at a very busy intersection by one of those “fucking traffic signals.” This is where Mr. Enderson came into contact with Lucy, and estranged homeless woman who happened to be holding a sign that read, “Pleeze help, hungry and pregnant.” Mr. Enderson then turned his car stereo down, which was playing Yanni at the time, and told Lucy that she “should consider her poverty an arcane version of birth control.” Mr. Enderson has a propensity to shine in situations like these, which has garnered him the “I’ve Got More Money Than You” award in the past.

And last but certainly not least:

The “Most Annoying Song Ever Recorded” Award goes to:

I know, I know, you’re probably think that I’m going to bash a Boy Band, Brittany Spears or Matchbox 20…but I’m not. Honestly! I think each one of those artists is exceptional compared to the artist who is going to garner this award. Fist, I want to thank this artist, for giving me a new perspective on the whole pop scene of the late 90s…it could always be worse. So thank you to Shaggy, creator of “It Wasn’t Me”, a horrific reggae influenced song whose lyrics go as such:

“And I tell ya that she caught me red handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor. Saw me banging on the sofa…wasn’t me…saw me banging on the counter…wasn’t me…she even caught me on camera.”

I mean, what soulful music. What powerful lyrics. Man, the next time I decide to go and cheat on my girlfriend, I’m going to be so incredibly inspired by this song. Jesus, it almost moves me to tears. So I HAVE to thank Shaggy. I have to love him with all of my heart and being. Thank you dear God, that someone is around to write this kind of music. It makes me feel better about all those years I spent with my headphones cranked as loud as they could go.

Wow, this is the first time I didn't want to win something

Email: goldenma@aol.com