It seems that many homepages out on the web are dedicated to self-worship and an exhibitional display of either a random nobody's life or the clebrity/ies that makes their pathetic, pointless, poopy life livable. Since that's the standard, I've decided to take it a level higher; Self-deification.

That's right folks! It's time to start drumming up support for the new election, but why bother deciding whether to vote for president (let alone who to vote for!) when you can elect a new God! In that spirit I nominate myself for deity of all things that are, ever will be and have ever been.

But wait! Don't dismiss me as a crank just yet! Wait until you hear my campaign promises!

I realize there is already numberous opponents in the running trying to either claim this oh so important, but oh so difficult position, so let's look at all their faults. This is, after all, an American-style political race.

Jesus Christ- Sure he's a nice guy, got the whole hippie look and son of God thing going for him, but what about Mary Magdaline? What actually happened with her at the stoning? Ken Starr's still investigating and you know you can trust him to be completely unbiased in his search for crime.
Allah- Isn't he somehow connected to all those terrorist actions in the middle east? And what is Islam? Sounds cultish. One of the top three world religions?!?! Still think it's a cult and gonna treat it that way. It's the American way!
Jehovah- He's a bigot! It's just "Chosen people this" and "chosen people that." I've also heard threats of conspiracy.*
Cthulhu- Hey! He's evil! EEEVIL! EVIL EVIL EVIL! That sar is one bad puppy! BAD BAD BAD! Actually I'd vote for him if I weren't running. Find more at Cthulhu for President.
George Clinton- The King of Interplanetary Funk. I'm afraid to say anything bad about this man else the fabric of the universe will swallow me whole.
Jerry Falwell- Seems he was talking to Jesus one night and Jesus finally answered. Told Jerry to shut the hell up and get a life. I think his whole campaign is based on revenge.
Ross Perot- It ain't gonna happen rich boy.

Wow! That's the competition? They don't stand a chance! But to show you just how great I'd be as God, here are my campaign promises.

Public improvement: All the candidates running for mortal positions promise lots of good things like more funding for schools, more funding for fire departments, expansions of libraries, but they never carry through because it costs too much money and they also promise to lower taxes. Well, as God I'd improve all the roads, schools, fire departments and libraries without touching the tax money. I'd be omnipotent! (No that's impotent, that's something different) I could do anything and it won't cost you a dime.

Taxes: What's God need with money? Nothing! So if I don't need or want your money, why should I take it? I shouldn't and I won't! That's right, if you elect me God I will lower all taxes to nothing and anyone who tries to levy one will be turned into a pillar of salt.

Return of Biblical Punishment: Hey, let's face it. Nobody really agrees with everything in the Bible (it contradicts itself), but we can all agree that the judicial system rocked! Well, I'd improve upon it by taking the process of the American court system and combining it with punishments handed down by God. What could be better? Suggest anything better and I'll turn you into toast, with jam.

Sin: Why's everybody so hyped up over sin? We all like a little bit of sin now and then. So, as God, I'd promise to reclassify all sins and re-evaluate them on a case-by-case basis.

Abortion: I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole.

Drugs: Hey man, yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Yeah man!

Police: Upon being elected God, I would change all corupt cops into 3-foot tall unemployed circus clowns. You'd see them standing on street corners holding signs that said: "Will fall for food." Honest cops who save little kids and put rapists away will be given a very generous pension and dismissed so they can spend the rest of their lives with their families and exploring their creative sides. I will, being omnipotent, become the only police force necessary.

Revenge: If you elect me, I will hunt down and destroy everyone who's ever slighted you and kill them like the dogs they are.

Protection: If you elect me, I won't hunt you down and destroy you like the dogs you are.

The Course of Time and Space: Whoa there! Some things even God doesn't want to mess with.

Dick Clark: Spontaneously turns to dust.

Art: I will delgate all art responsibilities to various individuals who will be upgraded to muses. The visual arts will be placed in the hands of David Lynch. The literary arts will be given to Allen Ginsberg (resurrected for the cause) and Don DeLillo. Music will be divided into various categories. The muses of rock will be Trent Reznor and Bad Religion (who will change their name to "The Lesser Evil Religion"). Jazz will be given to Dizzie Gillespie, Miles Davis and Charlie Parker. Funk will be given to Phish, George Clinton being denied for running against me for Dietyhood. Edgar Allen Poe and H. P. Lovecraft will be resurrected to fill the positions of The Creepy Muses.

Daytime TV: Replaced by your favorite episodes of Mr. Ed. Why? Because

	A Horse is a horse
	of course of coure
	and no one can talk
	to a horse of course
	that is of course
	unless the horse
	EVERYBODY!
	is the famous Mr. Ed.

Mr. Ed will be the demigod of all beasts that walk on four legs or have wings. This does not include Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: Crushed by something large and smelly at 2 and 6 PM weekdays at Six Flags amusement parks.

The Internet: Actually becomes a useful, informative and entertaining medium that is easy to access and simple to search.

AOL: Fire and brimestone for all eternity.

Microsoft + Bill Gates: Alan Arkin movies for all eternity.

Y2K: You're kidding, right? You don't actually believe in that do you? Grow up! Computers aren't that confusing.

Holy Books: The new holy books of Donism will be the Tao Te Ching, Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet, and, of course, Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

Those folks are my campaign promises. If there's anything else you want or any questions you have about my position on certain issues, just ask! I can't strike you dead. . . yet.

If you'd like to support my campaign in your home town, go out on a weekend, find a streetcorner preacher reading lines from the Bible. Stand on another nearby corner and shout passages from Green Eggs and Ham. Ask others to join in.

So remember, Vote Don for God in 2000!

A New Millenium Deserves a New Diety!

*Note: Threats of conspiracy come from a group of people with 3 teeth total and half as many chromosomes.