TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
ALL YOU FATHERS MAY WANT TO SAVE THESE RULES FOR LATER...OR PRINT IT UP FOR THE NEXT BOY THAT COMES TO PICK UP YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A DATE.
RULE ONE:
If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything
up.
RULE TWO:
You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her,so long as you
do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove
them.
RULE THREE:
I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I
propose his compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with
my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill
you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
RULE FIVE:
It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is
"early."
RULE SIX:
I have no doubt you are a popular
fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as
long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with
my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry,
I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN:
As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil
in my car?
RULE EIGHT:
The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which features chain
saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance
to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter homesafely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
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Email: chmast@hotmail.com