My husband drove me home from the dooctors office that day and got me comfortable on the couch. He put the wheelchair where I could reach it, then turned on the television and handed me the remote. He turned to kiss me and left for work.
I guess he didn’t know what to say, and I can't blame him. He'd never seen me cry, much less sob like I still was. He was trying to be kind and helpful and I snapped at him at every thing he did.
I was laying on the couch, and decided before I went to sleep I would make a trip to the restroom. So I got into my wheel chair and started heading that way. Half way to my destination my wheelchair's front wheel got entangled in some string the kids had been messing with to go fly kites the coming weekend. I couldn’t go forward, or backwards. I was stuck, I was crying again & I knew at this point I was not just angry, I was full of rage. This man who cause the car wreck had hurt me, and he could care less. I sat there for a few minutes crying and screaming at God. Pleading for help, asking the question, Why me? How could you let this happen to me? I belive in you. I'm a good mother, daughter and wife. Something so small as to get to the bathroom by myself My God why was I so helpless. I felt so hopeless.
My crutches lay against the wall there in the hallway where I was stuck. Crying and mad I grabbed my crutches and got out of the wheelchair. The floor was wet where something had gotten spilled and one of my crutches slipped out from under neith me. I ended up putting weight on my injured leg, and screaming with pain I found myself on the cold wet floor sobbing like a child. I don't know how long I lay there holding my leg and crying, cursing God.
The tears stopped and I gathered my strength. I crawled the rest of the way to the bathroom dragging my crutches behind me. I got a washcloth and cleaned myself up and changed out of the wet clothes.
I then got back into my crutches and dropped a towel on the floor where the water spill was. Then in my pathway and still un-movable sat my wheelchair facing me. I managed to turn the wheelchair so I could get around behind it and places my crutches against the wall. I dragged the wheelchair as I hopped back to the couch.
Emotionaly drained and exhausted I untangled the string that had locked up the wheel. I looked at my painkillers, there where so many, I could easily do it. I don’t have to suffer like this I told myself. Then I felt a horrible emptiness fill me and flashes of my children’s smiles came to me. I took one pill placed the others back into the bottle and lay down, sickened at my own thoughts. I wasn't going to let my pain be their pain. After an emotional day like mine, sleep wasn’t hard to come by.
I was woken by something on the television. There was a woman speaking to a large crowd. She said the name of her book and it dealt with healing the body, and why some people don’t heal. After what my doctor told me today I was to say the least extremely interested in what this women would have to say. So I turned up the television volume some more.
She started speaking about forgiveness, and how it played a part in emotional healing but also in healing the body. I could feel goose bumps and chills cover my body. I still cry when I talk about this day. I felt like God reached out to me and told me to get better you don’t have to forget but you have to forgive.
I listened on to the speaker on television as she spoke. She was talking about a Navaho Indian who had been in W.W.II and had been captured by the Germans. While in prison camp he had been tortured and beaten. Then he recalled one German prison guard who forced a rotten piece of chicken with maggots down his throat, and he had been to weak to spit it out.
When the Navaho man returned home, he was prone to fits of violence and drunkeness so his tribe had decided to help him in a vision quest to search for answers as to why he was so out of controle. He went through every part of his life and when it came to the German prison guard He asked the guard, "Why did you do this to me?" In this vision quest the German guard answered, “It was all I could find to keep you alive.”
I was in tears because I knew the words where right. I had hidden my hate and anger with jokes and fake smiles. I was living in pain, with a wheelchair and it was because some idiot wanted to get somewhere fast.
To heal myself, I had to forgive. That was the hardest thing to imagine. The Navaho was forces to swallow rotten chicken, I was being asked to forgive someone who has caused me to become this whimpering helpless, hopeless excuse of a human. Impossible! I wouldn't do it.
But I wanted out of the wheelchair. Who would hear me. I thought I could just say the words, it would be a start. I didn't have to mean it anyways.
I said it out loud, “I forgive you.” The anger crisp in every way. I closed my eyes and I said it again. ”I forgive you for hurting me and my family” The tears welled and grew then falling from my eyes. I took a deep breath, and I said it again and each time the words fell softer. I felt so silly and started to laugh at myself. If someone would have heard me I just knew I would have been headed to the padded room! I felt better. Imagine that. I felt like what ever was killing me inside just stopped. I figured, if I could feel this good just talking to myself I would do it every chance I could! (And I did.)
I was getting better, my body was healing with leaps and bounds and emotionally I was stronger than ever!
I went from wheel chair to crutches then on to using a cane to walking on my own. The doctors where even surprised. Here I was walking on my own and this was not December as they predicted but the end of June 1996.
I was told I would suffer for the rest of my life with what is called post-traumatic authoritis, (injury related authritis) and would never run again and might have a slight limp.
I didn’t care, I was not only alive but I proved to myself I was strong enough to deal with it, as long as I had the words that empowered me……”I forgive you”.
I learned forgiveness, as hard as it is to give to a person that’s harmed you, it gives you strength.
I learned that the craziness in this life is part of the learning process.
I leaned that what a single sole creates uplifts the rest of humanity forever and that’s how important each of us is.
I learned God doesn't allow horrible things to happen, but he's with us when we need him/her.
I learned there is nothing more important than love and remembering how to laugh.
NEXT PAGE (ALL NEW)
Love pomotes Life
Laughter promotes Healing
Love & Laughter To Us All
HOME
NEXT PAGE