Author unknown - you think I'm gonna take credit for this?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you're a cheap bastard. Gemini's are known for thriving on incest.

CANCER (June 21 - Jul. 22)
You're sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You're always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a cancer.

LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
You're the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You're cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep. 23 - Oct. 21)
You're the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you're probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of a venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct. 22 - Nov. 21)
The worst of the lot. You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You're a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpions are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You're optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. You're a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You're basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.