Children Suck!

I hate children. I despise children. In fifty years, I am going to be the old fart that chases kids off his lawn with a yard stick in hand. I am going to be the old bastard that casts the deciding vote against the school budget. I am going to be the old jerk that calls the police if the kids are playing outside past 6PM. Now, what does this have to do with politics? I'll tell ya. I think there should be laws prohibiting children from certain places.

I like going to out on weekends. I like to go to the mall on Saturday afternoon and just walking around. However, it's hard to get through the damn food court when Welfare Wilma refuses to control her brood of hellspawns. These brats run amuck. They throw their food, they scream, they run around the restaurant area, etc... Yesterday afternoon I visited Grapevine Mills Mall for the first time. There had been a lot of hype about the opening of this “super mall”, so I waited a couple of months after it opened to see how great it really was. I walk in and there are children everywhere, kicking benches, dropping food over the floor, and yelling at the top of their little high pitched lungs. The mothers did absolutely nothing about it. Didn't they ever hear of McDonald's? That's where you take kids. Put 'em on the slides and get 'em a happy meal. Of course, this phenomenon is not unique to places like Grapevine Mills, or mothers like Wilma. (I am not stereotyping welfare mothers. I just like the way Welfare Wilma sounded.) By the way, Grapevine Mills Mall is one of the dumpiest malls I’ve ever seen! It’s open for like 2 months now and it looks like it should have been closed by the state that long ago. It’s like the poor man’s Galleria. But these kinds of incidents aren’t just limited to the lower class areas. I've been to upscale establishments where the same thing happens. Middle-Class Midge is with her husband, Middle-Class Mitch and their bawling baby, Middle-Class Malefic Mary. It's terrible. Infants and children should not be brought to most business establishments. They are restless, annoy other patrons, and often dislike the place to begin with.

My first law would ban infants from all non-fast food joints and kids from upscale restaurants. The second law would allow restaurants to kick out any family where the kids are pests. The third law would set up no-children areas. I can deal with smoking. If it gets too heavy, you can ask to be moved. What can you do with irritating kids? Nothing, you can hear and/or see them where ever you move to. So, I propose we set up sound-proof rooms for families. As it is, if you complain to management, they rarely can do anything. Please, parents, give us childless people a break. We don't think it's cute when little Timmy moons us. And, we really hate it when your kids attempt to sing every friggin’ verse of the "Wheels on the Bus..."

I like going to the movies. You can't appreciate a movie on a TV. You need to see it with other people on a large screen. The shared experience is what makes it great. It's not so great, though, when parents bring their kids to age-inappropriate movies. Just the other day, I went to see the movie “Armageddon." A daft couple brought their two toddlers with them. They were screaming. They were crying. They were running up and down the aisles. Why did these parents bring their kids to see a rated R movie? Why did they think they would sit still? And, why did they do nothing about their behavior? I went to see "Boogie Nights" last year. Don't ask why. There was nothing else playing. These two teens brought their INFANT to see it! This movie is practically a porno! The kid was wailing the whole damn time. So, my fourth law would ban all infants and young kids from non-G and non-PG movies, even if they are accompanied by an adult. Hey, you cheap bastards, it's called a babysitter. Look into it!

How about museums? Art galleries? Department stores? I like them all. When I go, I go to relax. I like to calmly look around. That cannot be accomplished when there are kids around. They rarely can appreciate any of the above. If they do, the appreciation does not last long. They need their rest. They want to take a nappy. They don't want to look at abstract paintings or historical, Russian artifacts anymore. So, they cry, and yell, and kick, and scream, and the parents keep on going. My fifth law would set aside no-kid days at places adults frequently visit. How friggin’ great would that be?

Okay, I hate grocery shopping. We all have to do it, though. When I was shopping with a good friend a few months ago, I overheard a wee devil say, "Mommy, I'm going to hit that girl with my cart!" (Referring to the girl I was with at the store) Law six would ban those damn kiddie grocery carts! Anyway, you'd like to think the mom told him how rude that would be. No, not today's modern parent. She laughed. A lovely complacent laugh. A laugh that indicated to me that she probably wasn’t even paying attention to what the little rat kid had said. So the next thing I know, the little monster tries to run my friend down with the cart. I explained to the mother what happened and she shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "What am I supposed to do about it?" I was like, “WHAT!?!?!? Keep an eye on your little illegitimately conceived brat, you stupid bitch!” I, of course, didn’t say that. However my expression probably said it all and more (I hope!).

Which brings me to my last law. MANDATORY PARENTING CLASSES! That's right -- it is obvious parents nowadays have no sense of responsibility when it comes to parenting. They plop their kids in front of the TV, they buy them every video game system available, and they smile when they break them. Parents are simply not equipped to deal with the children of today. They need to learn how to become effective parents or we're going to end up with a nation of carjackers and rapists.

The only other option besides the parenting classes is the one that I actually prefer. The solution is simple and certainly effective. Just don’t let stupid people reproduce! Or at the very least, limit the number of kids that one stupid couple can have. There are countries in Asia that do this to prevent overpopulation and I think it’s a great idea. Stupid people carry stupid genes and there are already too many stupid people.

What do you think? Are there any other suggestion as to how to eliminate stupid people and their kids?

Maybe we could build a big boat--10 times the size of the Titanic--tell the morons that they’ve won a free trip, fill the boat up, take into the middle of the ocean and sink it! Sabotage all of the life boats and be done with it already!

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