Sometimes Heaven Can be Hell
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a
pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to
full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on
me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th
floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t
reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony,
and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By
now I was really mad, So I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you
know it, he wouldn’t fall off..
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his
fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long so he let go and fell — but even after
25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran
into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and
died there on the balcony.
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, “Said Peter, and let the man in..
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again
asked for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building,
and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have
slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky , and caught the railing
of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the
apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go,
but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes
me instantly, and now I’m here.
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.
Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story...
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”
A Lawyer......
A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to
immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he
calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant
about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the
wife is upstairs in the bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right
home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the
maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She
protest! The lawyer explains that under Texas Law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife
and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down
the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud
thumps, and finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks,
“Did you kill them?” “Yes,” she replies. The lawyer questions her again, “What did you
do with the bodies?” “I threw them in the pool,” she responds. There is a brief pause
from the lawyer. He asks her, “Did you say the pool?” “Yes! I threw them in the pool!”
she says. “UH..... , is this 555-8234?”
Bright Red Tomatoes.....
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, But no
matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s
garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his
secret.
“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, in the morning and in
the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with
embarrassment.”
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to
her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her
progress. “So”, he asked, “Any luck with your tomatoes?”
“No”, she replied excitedly... “But you should see the size of my cucumbers!”
Well we promised you a joke so here are a couple that we really like........
9 & 11 year olds
An 11 year old girl and her 9 year old brother are upstairs in her bedroom. The 11 year
old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When her little
brother responds enthusiastically, the 11 year old say, “When we go down stairs for
breakfast this morning, I’ll say “HELL” and you say “ASS”. The 9 year old happily
agrees, and they go down stairs to eat breakfast. Mother walks in and asks her older child
what she would like to eat for breakfast.
The 11 year old replies, “Ah hell, mom, I’ll have some Cheerios.” “WHACK!” The
surprise mother reacts quickly. The girl runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing her behind.
With a sterner voice, the mother then asks her son, “And what would YOU like for
breakfast?” “I don’t know, “the 9 year old blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it’s not
gonna be Cheerios.”
Good Goat Joke......
Seems a man got turned in by his neighbor who saw him having sex with a Goat. He was
arrested and told to get a lawyer. He had a choice of two. It was a small town. One
attorney was very expensive. He usually won his case by having costly out of town
experts testify. The other attorney was cheap. His forte was jury selection, he usually
could get a juror or two that would be sympathetic to his client. The defendant chose the
less expensive lawyer. The first day of the trial the witness was told to tell the jury exactly
what he saw on the morning of March 16th. He stated: He saw farmer Brown drop his
pants and have sex with a flop eared goat. And when he was finished the goat turned
around and licked his penis. At this time a front row juror was heard to say to another
juror. “You know, a good goat will do that.”
