*

As of my typing this, the crap movie "AnacondA" is being shown quite a bit on HBO channels lately, and I've seen it several times. The last time I saw it(as of typing this), I got an inspiration, and now you can read that inpsiration's manifestation!

It'll be best if you are familiar with the "characters" from Anaconda and their names, and the events of the "story".

(Scene one: Mulder and Scully have been called into Skinner's office.)

Skinner: It seems that there have been reports of mysterious deaths in the amazon. Some people think that the deaths have been caused by..(Skinner twitches his lip in disgust).."giant snakes". Of course, that is nonsense. But because the cases are so mysterious, you two are to go into the amazon and investigate.

Mulder: Hmmm....I've heard things about giant Anacondas.

Scully, skeptically: Mulder, you really think a snake could get that big?

(Mulder opens his mouth to speak, but Skinner cuts him off)

Skinner: Agent Mulder, I doubt snakes are responsible for this. But because the Amazon is so dangerous, I'll be accompanying the two of you on your mission.

(Cut to scene of Mulder, Scully and Skinner on a boat in the Amazon.)

Scully: Are you sure we're going the right way, Mulder?

Mulder: Pretty sure....

(Suddenly, they realize they are headed straight off a cliff, down a huge waterfall)

Skinner: Good God, man! Abandon ship! Everyone off the boat!

Boat Captain: No! I'm going down with my ship!

(Mulder, Scully and Skinner all jump into the river while the captian goes down the waterfall in the boat. The three FBI people swim frantically, trying to get to land. Suddenly, another boat comes along.)

Mulder, Scully and Skinner: Help! Help! Help!

(The boat goes towards them, and they are helped aboard)

Scully: Thank God you came along! This river is incredibly dangerous.

Terri: Are you ok?

Mulder: Yheah. We're FBI, we were investigating murders along this river, supposedly caused by giant Anacondas.

Danny, frowning: Snaykes?

Sarone: Hue been, uh, eenvessihgating, uh, snake murders, uh?

Mulder: Do you believe that giant Anacondas exist?

(Sarone scrunches up his lips in a weird, arrogant smile, then speaks)

Sarone: Thee Anaconda. It hauntsa river.

Mulder: Really.

(Skinner clenches his teeth and glares at Sarone, who looks at him, squinting and smirking, sneeringly)

Skinner: We need to get back to the mainland and get another boat. Can you take us there?

Terri: We've got an injured passenger on this boat. We're heading back to the mainland so we can get him to the hospital.

(Terri walks away)

Scully: How was this person injured? I'm a medical doctor.

(Terri walks back over)

Sarone: Wass. Poisonous. Very dedly. Got in hiss throat.

Terri, her voice quivering with emotion: C'mon.

(Terri takes Scully's hand and leads her in to look at the sickly passenger, and Mulder and Skinner follow along.)

Mulder: Craig Killborn?

Terri: This is Steven.

Scully: Looks like Craig Killborn with red hair.

(Scully examines Steven)

Scully: He needs to get to a hospital, but he should be alright. There's really nothing I can do for him here.

Steven: My movie is falling apart.

Mulder, whispering to Scully: He should have stuck to The Daily Show.

(Mulder, Scully, Skinner and Terri all walk back outside)

Westridge, bitterly: This bluddy auh is giving me hiyves. And will you shet that BLUDDY music awff!

(Danny's boombox is blasting)

Danny: How 'bout if I shut YOU awwff?

Westridge: Oh, shut up, you sniveling wretch! A vermin of your sawt shud be PAWLISHING MAWY SHOOS!

(Danny pulls a switchblade from his pocket and approaches Warren)

Danny: Whatchoo say?

Skinner, pulling his gun: Put the knife down.

(Danny begrudgingly puts the knife down)

(Skinner flexes his jaw and puts his gun away. Sarone smiles a mocking smile at him evily. Skinner walks over to the edge of the boat and grinds his teeth)

Westridge: Thet's betta. I don't have tiyme to put with this nunsense. Who wrowte thet DRIVEL, anyway, a bluddy monkey?

(Westridge daintily takes a sip of his tea)

Danny: Yeya, yo momma's monkey.

Terri, her voice straining with emotion: Guys, PLEASE! Ok?? Now we're trapped in the middle of the Amazon here, let's just...try to get along, ok?

(Danny looks away)

(Scully and Mulder exchange looks of suffering)

Scully, wearily: Terri's right. It shouldn't take too much out of any of us to be civil towards eachother for the short while it'll take to get back to the mainland.

Denise: I can't wait to get back. It's scary here.

(Denise rubs her arms, then walks over to Gary, who rubs her arms)

Gary: Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we go back into one of the rooooms and I'll, like, take your mind offa things, huuuh?

(Mulder walks over to Paul, who is sharpening a large knife)

Sarone: Zere ssompthing I kin duforyu?

Mulder: Just wondering why you were talking about the Anaconda earlier.

(Sarone shrugs)

Sarone: Ssun an amezing creature.

Mulder: You've seen one?

Sarone: Mebe I khave. Mebe I khaven't. No difference.

Mulder, irritated: Well, actually there is. See, they might be killing people around here, but no one is QUITE sure if they exist. So if you've seen one around this area, it...

(Sarone intturupts Mulder)

Sarone: Hue theenk hue can keetch one? (smirks) Hue gotta be an expert to catch a supub snake like tha. Ee kin snap huer bones like twihgs. To keecth an Anaconda, hue gotta have steel veins. Hue couldn't do it.

(Suddenly, Skinner intterupts)

Skinner: Would you shut the hell up about giant Anacondas and look around you? This damn boat is covered with snakes of REGULAR proportions!

(Everyone looks around and sees that there are, indeed, snakes everywhere)

Westridge: Oh my Gawd! Iyt's, iyt's awn my finga! AAAAAAHHH!!!

(Skinner turns around testily, stomps over to the screeching Westridge and rips the snake off of his finger)

Paul: Hue shudn't handle suuch a delicate creature like tha.

Skinner: Oh, piss off!

(Paul makes an upside down smile, then speaks)

Paul: Mebe I will. Then agin, mebe something else.

(Suddenly, the boat captain walks out)

Mateo: I'm going to go for a little swim.

Scully: Do you have a death wish? This river will kill you!

Mateo: I don't care.

(Mateo jumps into the water)

(Scully looks at Mulder with disbelief, Mulder shrugs)

Mateo: Ah, I love a good swwwiiiaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(A giant snake is attacking Mateo)

Terri: Quick! Somebody! Save him!

(Skinner, Scully and Mulder all pull their guns and start shooting at the snake.) (The snake makes a loud squeeling, hissy scream)

Skinner: I thought snakes didn't have vocal chords!

Scully: They don't!

Mulder: Something tells me this isn't your everyday giant snake.

(Sarone sneaks up behind them and grabs Scully, aiming his own gun at her head)

Mulder: GET AWAY FROM HER!!

Sarone: Noa. Hue no mess with my prize snay. Unersta?

(Sarone's eyes are wildly demented)

Mulder: You hurt her, and I'll kill you.

(Sarone shrugs)

Sarone: Hue all going to do...what I say, now.

(Sarone extends one arm grandly, gesturing towards the snake)

Sarone: Look at tha behuetiful snake.

(the snake has coiled around Mateo and is now crushing his bones)

Terri: Oh, God!

Gary: Wow. That's RADICAL, man. Pretty neat shit.

Denise, to Sarone: You...you MONSTER!!

(Sarone makes upside down smile)

Sarone: There iza monsser in every-hwun, baby bird. (raises and lowers eyebrows for effect) Now. Hevrybody...puhyour guns over here.

(Mulder and Skinner reluctantly slide their weapons over to Sarone)

(Sarone takes the guns, along with Scully's guns, and pushes Scully away from him)

Sarone: Now. We all...going tudu things...my way. I'm going tu my room. Hue all...enjoy huerselves. Eh, eh, eh.(smirks)

Mulder, to Scully: Are you alright?

Scully: Yheah.

(Skinner looks wide eyed and tense.)

Terri: This is terrible! We have to do something!

Gary: Hey, man, why don't we all just chill out?

Danny: WHUT?!

Denise: Gary, lovemuffin, what are you saying?

Gary: Yo, man, just back off!! I'm SAYING that THIS guy, is the freakin' BOMB, ok? He KNOWS what HE'S doing, how 'bout you? THIS guy, KNOWS about the jungle, ok? Paul Sarone has high ambitions, he's got one cool accent, and he's GREAT in be--er, uh, um, uh, he knows how to get things done, and YOU all need to do what he says, my friends.

Scully: Are you insane? This man is going to get us all killed, he's already responsible for the death of...

Gary: You know what? Just, like, step off, FBI lady. THIS guy, knows what he's doing. Now, our film is shit, ok? BUT, I say we film PAUL, who is like, THE greatest dude ever, trapping a great big snake! Now THAT is cool.

Mulder, disregardingly: Shut up, (insert Gary's last name here).

Skinner: I don't have time for this.

(Skinner goes to sit in the room with Steven, so he doesn't have to listen to Gary's crap)

(Danny looks at Gary)

Terri, to Gary: What's wrong with you?!? Are you crazy? Steven could DIE because of this guy and his stupid snake!!!! Alright?? Now I say we just get OUT of here!!!

Gary: Am I crazy? No, I'm not going crazy. I'm totally sane. Are you crazy? I think so. Because, you know, I'm the only one who realizes that THIS guy, is THE freakin' master of the universe, and WE are gonna be rollin' in the freakin' DOUGH, if you'd all just start thinking clearly yourselves, like me and Pauly are.

Westridge: Yoowa BLUDDY out of yoowa FRIGGIN' MIYND!

Denise: Sweetheart, what did he do to you? Do you have a boo boo?

Gary: Just, get away from me, Denise. I'm with him. So everybody better take a chill pill, 'cus we're catchin' a snake.

(Danny shakes his head)

(cut to scene of a few minutes later.)

Mulder, to Scully: This is turning out to be a fun case, huh?

(Scully sighs)

Suddenly, Gary trips on a sunflower seed hull and falls off the boat into the water.

(Suddenly, the giant anaconda springs forward and wraps around Gary)

Gary: YYAAAAAH-uuuhhh.

Denise, shrieking: GarEEEEEEEYYYY!!

(The giant anaconda eats Gary)

Denise: Oh, no! No!(sobs)

Terri, cuddling Denise: There, there. It's going to be ok. Here, here's your Carebear! See? All better, baby.

Denise: Yay!

(The beast slithers back underwater, and we can see the mold of Gary's face in it's skin, with one finger up his nose)

(a little while later...)

Mulder, to Scully: Still think snakes don't get that big, Scully? But is it just me, or did it look like it was made of rubber?

Scully: I thought the same thing, Mulder. And at other points it looked like it was some cheesy graphic out of a tv show, or something. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Mulder: The way the snake looked was more bizzare than the size of it. I think that may be the real X File here, Scully. What if...

(Suddenly, Terri cuts them off)

Terri, frightened: Ok. I've got a plan. Maybe if I put on my tan lipstick and....

(Suddenly, there's the sound of moaning coming from Steven's room)

Terri: Oh, God, Steven!

(Everyone goes to see what's going on in Steven's room. Steven is sound asleep, but there on the floor, just rolled out from under Steven's bed, is...)

Mulder: Krycek!!

Scully: What the HELL are you doing here??

Westridge, hysterically: Cud SOMEBODY tell me who the bluddy hell this IS??

Skinner, snarling: Not right now.

Krycek: I...oooohhh...I was here in the Amazon, when I was attacked. They...arrrgh...tried to take my other arm, so I (gasp), fled on a crappy wooden raft down the river. (gasp) Then I saw Mulder and Scully's boat and (swallows) climbed on. When that was going to go over the waterfall, I jumped out and snuck aboard here! I...I don't feel so good....

Mulder, sarcastically: Aw, poor baby.

Skinner: Do you have any guns?

Krycek, gasping: No...they took my gun away...

(Scully briefly examines Krycek to see what's wrong with him)

Scully: He's got three enormous insects, called "Higoricheezyemas", stuck in his chest.

Krycek: Ooooh, God....

Scully: They come up through coughing.

Krycek: Oh...

(Krycek begins hacking violently. Soon, three huge orange bugs crawl out of his nose)

Krycek: My NOSE?

Scully: That's how they come out.

Byers: Mulder?

(Everyone swings around)

Mulder: BYERS???

Frohike: Hi, Mulder.

Langly: Hiya, Mulder.

Mulder: What the hell are you guys doing here???

Langly: We snuck aboard your boat! We wanted to see these huge Anacondas for ourselves!

Mulder: Well you're in for a real treat, boys. Sir Snakemeister in there is going to have us all eaten by one!

(Suddenly, Cigerette Smoking Man appears, puffing a cigerette)

Mulder: YOU!

Scully, rolling her eyes: Oh, not him too!

Skinner: What in the hell are you doing here??

Terri: Who ARE THESE PEOPLE??

Denise: That man with the cigerettes scares me.

(Terri holds Denise)

Mulder: Look, we'll explain it later(as in, never)....

CSM: I heard you were going, Walter, and I wanted to make sure the three of you didn't find out anything you weren't supposed to. Not really about snakes, but that's besides the point...

Mulder: WHAT???

CSM: Nevermind! The point is, I've got a gun.

Mulder: Alright. Hand it over.

CSM: I don't think so, Agent Mulder. I'll use the gun to defeat Sarone.

Krycek: Heya, maybe I should handle this.

Mulder: Sit down, Krycek. I'd rather have that black lunged son of a bitch holding the gun than a rat bastard like you.

Krycek: Hey!

Scully: So let's do it.

(Soon...)

Terri: OH MY GOD, IT'S THE SNAKE!!! AAAAAAHH!!!!

(Sarone comes rushing out of his room)

Sarone: Wha?? Whereza snake?

(CSM presses his gun against the back of Sarone's head)

CSM: I suggest you drop the gun, Mr. Sarone.

(Sarone drops the gun. Soon, he is tied up.)

Sarone, to CSM: Hue theenk hue kin tay me, uh?(smirks) I trick all these people intu letting me lead them to my snake. I know za jungle. *I* (pauses to make face) kin CAPTURE tha (eyes widen) ANACONDA.

CSM: (scoffs) Please. You're just a sniveling punk with a snake fetish. I've watched presidents die.(blows a puff of smoke into Sarone's face, smiles, and strolls away)

(Terri eyes CSM with mixture of anger and fear)

Westridge: Bluddy greayt, frum wun creepy old madmahn to anotha!!

CSM: Now, we'll head back to the mainland, and call it a day.

Terri: We can't! We have to do something first, something in the water!

Mulder: What??

Terri: I'm not sure! But we all have to go out there, now, and fix something! But, Denise, you can stay here.

(They all jump in the water and go to do something. Meanwhile, Denise approaches Paul with a knife)

Denise, shaking: I'm going to kill you....

Sarone: No, baby bird. Khue no kill me. Hue swee, innocen.

(Denise bursts into tears)

(Suddenly, Sarone, who's hands are tied to a pole behind him, rises up into the air and grabs Denise's neck with his feet. Once he has her, he springs up again, this time using his feet to throw her high into the air. She comes down on the boat with a thud.)

Denise: Ooohh....

(Sarone pushes his shoes off and puts his feet in front of Denise's nose)

Denise: Oooh GOD!!!

(Denise dies)

Sarone: Guuh niigh, baby bird.

(Meanwhile, in the water, everyone else is still in the water fixing something, when they suddenly see something coming towards them)

Danny: Look ayout!

(The giant Anaconda comes after them)

(Everyone goes swimming back to the boat, except Westridge and Krycek, who get snagged in some underwater moss. When they finally break free, they flee up a cliff and hide behind a waterfall)

(Back on the boat, people shoot at the snake, but it is pretty far away, and a very large animal)

(Cut back to waterfall scene)

Krycek: Shit, shit, shit, shit.....

Westridge, whimpering: Aoh! Aoh! Wea going to DIE!!!!!

(Suddenly, the snake's head appears through the waterfall)

Krycek: Well, Monty, looks like your time is up.

Westridge, sweating with terror and sobbing: Wot, wot do you meeee-hee-hee-heeen?

(Krycek grabs Warren and shoves him at the snake)

Westridge: Wot? A-oowa, bluddy ell!! Mummeeeeyyyy!!!

(While the snake starts consuming Westridge, Krycek jumps off the cliff and then frantically swims back to the boat. On the way, he feels something bite him on his rear-end. Somehow, he makes it back to the boat, only to find Sarone has just gotten free)

Krycek: Pant, pant, pant....

(Krycek passes out)

(Sarone tries to stop Mulder, Scully and Skinner from shooting at the snake, which has already devoured Westridge)

Sarone: Hue noa shoot my snake!...Hue noa worth a scale on iss BACK!!! Tha snake make me rich mah. Powafa mah.

(Suddenly, Langly karati chops Paul from behind, Byers sticks a tranquilizer dart in him, and Frohike hits him on the head with one of Warren's gulf clubs. Paul, unconscious, falls overboard and sinks deep down into the Amazon river.)

(Everyone breathes a sigh of relief)

CSM: Look, up ahead! It's some sort of building!

Danny: Maybe de'll have sum fuel dey!

(They head towards the building)

Byers: What happened to him?

(Byers gestures towards the unconscious Krycek)

Skinner: Who gives a crap?

Scully: It appears he's been bitten by a Giant Poisonous Amazonian River Rat. He'll live.

(Later....)

Byers, to Frohike and Langly: Well, gentlemen, apparently we were right in our assumptions that giant anacondas do indeed exist.

Frohike: They sure do look fake, though.

Langly: Yheah, I thought I was seeing things. One minute it was like some cheap halloween decoration, and the next it was like it wasn't even really there, like a graphic.

(Mulder appears)

Mulder: What if they AREN'T real snakes, boys? What if somehow, something is creating the ILLUSION of snakes in order to kill?

Scully, skeptically: Mulder, I'll admit they looked incredibly fake, and they certainly had capabilities unlike like any other snakes I know of, but....

Terri, frantically: What is he talking about??? Look, they're REAL!! Ok?? My boyfriend Craig...Uh, STEVEN, is dying! I just wanna get home!! Ok??

(Terri walks away, tearful and frazzled)

(Mulder, Scully and the Lone Gunmen shrug to eachother)

(Meanwhile, CSM puffs away at the edge of the boat, while Skinner glares at him)

Skinner: What is your agenda here? What the hell is out here that you don't want us knowing about?

CSM: My agenda is not your concern, Walter. Isn't the weather pleasent out here?

(Skinner flexes his jaw in irritation)

(Danny walks over to CSM)

Danny, frowning: Yo, man, I coud use one a doze.

(Danny gestures towards CSM's pack of Morley's)

(CSM ignores Danny, turning his back on him and taking another drag)

Danny, indignantly: Hope da snake eats yo ass, biytch!

(CSM turns suddenly to look at Danny with shocked anger. He forces himself to regain his cool, puts his cigerette back in his mouth, and walks off in slightly visible irritation)

(Skinner snickers)

Scully: When exactly did we run out of fuel?

Mulder: Beats me, Scully. Let's just hope there's some at this building we're headed towards.

Scully, raising an eyebrow: And not more giant anacondas.

(Mulder smiles and nods)

(On the boat floor, Krycek starts to talk in his sleep)

Krycek, in his sleep: Oh, hi, guys. What a nice fire you've got going there. Why are you sticking that knife in it? Uh, what are you doing? Um...let, let go...Aaah! No! WAAAAIT! AAAAAAAAARRRRGHH!!!

(Krycek jolts awake, screaming)