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If there's one thing this world will never run out of, it's stupidity.  Here at the Stupid Brothers Corporation, we're always exploring the more stupid parts of this world, and what we find is simply amazing.  Some of it piques our curiosity, some of it pisses us off, some of it just makes us feel more stupid.  Regardless, we'll post it here for you. 

09-13-05  OH TEXANS, HOW YOU BREAK MY HEART...

So today was the first real season game for the Houston Texans, and I have to say I'm even more disappointed than I thought I would be in this team.  Their pre-season performance was awful, but I have to admit I gave them the benefit of the doubt.  I figured they did so bad because they were testing new blood and feeling out positions, etc.  I guess I was wrong.  This team played worse today than they have since their first season as a pro team.  Luckily, I think I know why...

1. Dom Capers is a weak head coach.
Notice, I didn't say he was a BAD head coach.  Dom Capers has done some great stuff for teams all over the league.  He's even been good for the Texans overall.  He's very disciplined and definitely knows and understands the game.  I think that he is working against very tough odds, and he isn't strong enough to fight them.  His personality just isn't what we need in Houston right now.  We need a hard-nosed coach who will beat some sense into this team.  Capers is a good democrat, but he's not a powerhouse as a coach.  I don't even know which coach would be better, but we need something more like a drill sergeant out there.  Dom Capers needs to be let go.

2. Chris Palmer SUCKS at his job.
If there is one person on the Texans entire staff that I absolutely hate, it's Chris Palmer.  This guy is not only a total dumbass, but he has no guts (and in my opinion no idea how to call plays).  For those of you who don't know, Chris Palmer is the offensive coordinator for the Texans.  He sits up in a cushy office looking at a notebook and deciding which plays the Texans offense will run.  A very powerful job, as you might guess, but he SUCKS at it.  First of all, he calls the most anticipated plays in the world: run on first down, run on second down, play action or shotgun (depending on how first two downs went) on third down, punt on fourth down.  VERY rarely, you will see a change in this rundown, but almost every time this is how the game goes.  The bottom line here is that Palmer has no guts at all.  He'll punt when it's 4th and inches, he'll run when it's 3rd and 20, I can go on and on.  He got a good gig running plays for this team, and he knows it.  He sits back in his chair and relaxes while the Texans get hammered game after game after game.  Chris Palmer needs to be fired, tarred, feathered, and hung by his feet in the middle of downtown Houston while everyone gets to bitch-slap him for being such a douchebag.

3. David Carr is a wuss.
The first season of the Texans, David Carr got sacked something like 70 times.  He took more hard hits than I've ever seen a quarterback take.  And he took them in stride.  He was actually my hero in the world of quarterbacks, because the majority of them are huge wimps who just cry in the pocket and hope they don't get hit.  So, the second season comes along, and what happened to David Carr?  Suddenly this guy is running like a chicken as soon as the pocket even hints at collapsing.  He got hurt, and I can understand how that might shake you a little bit for a while in the future, but that was awhile ago.  Watching David Carr today is like watching a girl play out there on the field.  Whenever the defense hints at a blitz, he freaks out and calls audible.  Even when he does get a good play from that idiot Palmer, Carr is too frightened to throw downfield.  Instead he dumps it off to Dominick Davis.  This is smart playcalling if you can use it, but what good is a 4 yard screen when it's 3rd and 10?  Then, when times do get tough and Carr does try to go downfield, he throws so tentatively that it's almost always knocked down or picked off.  Where's the power Carr?  I know you're accurate and you have a great arm, why not use it?  Oh, and the thing that pisses me off most about Carr: I saw this today and it drove me insane... 3rd and 6, Carr breaks out of the pocket and tries to run for the first down. He gets about two yards away and people are waiting to take him down.  Does he take it like a man, sacrifice for his team, and get the first?  NO.  He slides like a total wuss and forces the punt.  Carr has potential, I don't think he should be fired.  He just needs to get the CRAP knocked out of him... maybe that will wake him up and remind him of what it takes to be a quarterback and lead a team that desperately needs leadership.

4. The offensive line is... well... offensive.
Why did David Carr get sacked close to 70 times his rookie year?  Because his offensive line wasn't there to protect him.  Why can't David Carr ever get the time he needs to make a pass downfield?  Because his offensive line gets pushed around like a bunch of little schoolgirls.  Why can't Dominick Davis hardly ever break through the line for yardage?  Because his offensive line fails down after down after down.  These guys aren't small, in fact they're some of the bigger linemen I've seen.  But they get taken advantage of almost every down of every game.  I don't understand it.  I think part of it has to do with play-calling, and part of it has to do with the offense not having a strong leader (ahem, CARR?).  Mostly though, I don't ever feel like the offensive line has a desire to protect Carr or open the lane for Davis.  There are clearly some relationship issues between them... if they don't like Carr, why should they protect them?  Most of this I look at Carr for, because whenever the line DOES protect him, he doesn't do his job.  He either wusses out and dumps off to Davis, throws a weak interception, or scrambles like a little baby.  In all honesty, I don't blame the o-line for allowing a sack or two just to wake Carr up, but for the most part their behavior is inexcuseable.  The entire offensive line needs to go to some deserted island with Carr and Davis so they can all straighten things out... and if some of them don't survive, you won't hear me complaining.

5. Most of the Texans players are dumbasses.
Let me begin with an example:  Today, a receiver was running a slant.  He was wide open, Carr threw the ball to him, and you know what happened?  It bounced off of the BACK of this dude's shoulder.  TURN AROUND YOU STUPID MORON!  Where's your stupid head at?  Did you forget you were playing football and think you were out for a jog?  How could you possibly have made it to the NFL making mistakes like that?  Also today, the Texans noseguard (supposedly the "leader" of the Defensive line) was called for offsides infractions 3 times.  Okay I understand you're excited, but 3 TIMES??  PLEASE!  Where is your head you idiot?  Not only are you stupid for letting it happen to you three times, but you're position has you standing RIGHT OVER THE FREAKIN' BALL!  All you have to do is look at it!  When it moves, you move.  Maybe if you weren't making eyes with the center of the other team and actually had your head in the game, you'd make a difference.  The worst part about this situation is that I didn't see this noseguard do crap for the team all day.  No sacks, no hurries, he ended up on his ass more than half of the plays.  Oh, he did get called for holding once though. Defensive holding... one of the hardest things to get called for.  Congratulations, you're even dumber than I give you credit for.  I saw three or four times today the Bills make some nice catches in the middle of triple coverage.  There is no way that anyone should be able to catch anything in triple coverage.  When I can't even see the guy make the catch because there are so many texans around him, but he somehow still does AND makes extra yardage... there's something seriously wrong there.  Another thing, we got this Buchanan guy who everyone's talking about because he's dangerous as a punt and kick returner.  I saw him return one punt today and he got 3 yards. 3.  He wasn't even on the field for the other returns.  What is going on here?  He's playing safety, and he didn't do bad I guess, but he still lost several chances for interception.  Glenn was better as a safety and corner than Buchanan.  And we had Moses, what happened to him?  He wasn't bad (could have been better if our special teams knew how to block).  Sadly, the defense is the best unit of our team right now.  There needs to be some serious reshuffling of them though.  These people need to go back to elementary school and learn how to play football.

6.  Those on the team with potential get stifled.
There are several players on this team who have a lot of potential, but they never get to use any of it.  The only good player on our team who uses his talent well every game (too much if you ask me) is our kicker.  He has done a great job for our team from the beginning.  As for the rest, they are left in the shadows because of the problems I've talked about above.  The most obvious one here is Andre Johnson.  This guy is one of the best receivers in the league.  He's big, he has great hands, and he can take a hit.  Every time he catches one, it takes more than one guy to bring him down.  He ALWAYS gets positive yardage, and the majority of the time he does come down with it.  However, Andre Johnson almost never gets any passes.  Sure, he's doublecovered, but he can get out of it.  He's proven that he can.  David Carr is just such a wuss that he won't throw it into the coverage.  He doesn't trust Johnson, and that's a huge problem.  Every game you can see the frustration on Andre Johnson's face, and it's totally justified.  I wouldn't be surprised if we see Johnson walk first chance he gets.  The Texans will be in BAD shape then.  Another prime example of a player with great potential who never gets to use it:  Dominick Davis.  This guy isn't very big, but he's very quick and has good eyes on the field.  He can pack a punch and if there's a running lane, he'll hit it and hit it hard.  Unfortunately, there almost never is a running lane.  More than half of Davis' runs come up short because some stupid lineman on our team runs into him or gets pushed into the lane because he's a wimp.  Davis also has good hands and is always there for Carr when he needs him, but then where's his blocking?  I saw a play today where the offensive linemen actually stopped even running after Davis caught it.  Davis broke his first tackle and then got smothered because there were no Texans there to help him out.  Davis I think will walk too, or even worse get hurt.  Open your eyes Texans, you're about to lose your best players.  Then what will you do?  Oh yes, lose.

Now, you're probably saying "why not just give up on them and find another team to watch and like?"  Well, I saw what a difference having a football team made in Houston.  I had season tickets for their first season, and I saw and felt the spirit that came to that city just because of the new stadium and team.  And, I've seen a lot in the Texans that could be good.  They have a lot of potential.  But there's some serious work that needs to be done.  Some people need to be fired, some people need to be hired, and some people need to grow up and stop acting like children and little girls.  I want to say something inspiring here, like "hey go Texans you'll pull it together for the rest of the season," but I doubt it.  For now, we might as well just get used to losing.


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