Bernie Shaffer

Upon graduation from ASU, I entered the world of professional theatre as a stage manager/lighting director. Later, I started working for rock and country music concert production companies and venues. Does anyone remember Dan Peek of "The Centrics"? I crossed paths with Dan a couple of times while he was with “AMERICA” and we spoke of Central and San Angelo. I had a great time. My late father used to say that I was a full-fledged card-carrying member of the lunatic fringe. After twenty years in the business and three failed marriages, I realized I would have had as much fun, but made more money as a gynecologist. I have lived in Columbia, MD, San Antonio, Helotes, Christoval, & Fort Worth, TX, Branson, Nashville, & Las Vegas.

At the ’93 Reunion, some of you were privileged enough to meet my present (and last) wife and soul mate, Susie. (She had the really long French braid in one of those scanned pictures.) I have set a new record…11 years with the same woman! She was four years old during our senior year at Central. (Go ahead and call me a D.O.M.) Susie makes me laugh. She has a keen sense of humor; after all, she married me didn’t she? Susie is what I proudly call a “rocket scientist” for telecommunications companies. She has recently accepted a temporary assignment in Ft. Wayne, IN, so I am now playing Mr. Mom, which is why I cannot attend the class reunion. We have two wonderful little girls who make life worth living: Savannah is 8 and Cassidy is 6. I am getting very good at braiding waist-length hair. Now if I can just get the 8 year old to braid mine while her mom is gone! I am also very proud of my 31-year-old son John, who lives in Austin and is a very fine man.

In Ft. Worth and last year in Vegas, Susie and I worked for AT&T Fixed Wireless Service. The company folded after 9-11. Definition of spooky: Standing near the Luxor on 9-11 watching the very last plane on final approach to McCarren Airport after the order was given to “land or be shot down.” We figured Vegas was next. Afterwards the city was never so quiet. 28,000 people were laid off in the following days. The strip was like a ghost town. I still feel that place is a future target.

If I had my druthers, we would be living in Ruidoso, NM or Tombstone, AZ. Since December, however, we have been in an area of Southern Illinois referred to as “Little Egypt”. This has been a great place to decompress. In this area there are towns named Cairo (they call it Kayro, like the syrup), Thebes, Dongola, and Karnak, etc. We are only 40 miles from the Mississippi River on the west and the same distance from the Ohio River on the east. We live on an acre several miles south of Marion on the edge of the Shawnee National Forest. Don’t even think “Yankee Land” around here folks. We are south of the Manson-Nixon Line. These people have the thickest Southern drawls I have ever heard. Instead of “y’all” they say “you-uns”. It is what I have termed a Southern El Annoyance. Still, this is the most non-hostile environment I have ever experienced. The locals around here are the friendliest, genuinely kind, honest, and MOST un-pre-ten-tious people I have ever met. ….sorry, West Texas!

The humidity took some getting used to, coming here from Nevada. Often late at night, we sit outside under the canopy of oaks and pines and listen to the chorus of tree frogs and insects. Sometimes the Illinois-Central cuts through the cacophony. Against the darkness of the forest, the fireflies in the misty fog resemble faeries. Occasionally we hear coyotes in the distance. This past spring we heard the yelps of their pups from various litters scattered about in the forest. Every six weeks or so, I have heard the unearthly screams of a cougar or panther passing our area on its loop. The deer here are enormous. The only wrinkle in life here: I had to get a “hickory converter” for my smoker, as there is absolutely NO MESQUITE growing around here!

In spite of my children and wife keeping me busy, I always find an excuse each day to ride my silver-studded black ’99 H-D Heritage Softail, running the roads over the gentle rolling hills and winding through forests. I have put 30,000 miles on it so far. Per capita, there are more motorcycles here than any place I have ever lived. At any given poker run, at least 400 bikers can be expected to show up.

We also enjoy ghost hunts and visiting haunted sights. I have always had an interest in the paranormal. (See my site ( http://www.geocities.com/deadeyesparanormal") I think Susie is really some distant kin to Edgar Allen Poe.

I finally took the advice of the late Mrs. Glee Munro (Lee Jr. High English teacher) and have started writing. I am nearly finished with a screenplay that I have been carrying around in my head for the past 9 years. It is of the western genre with a running time of just over two hours. It has been a labor of love and has taken a few months. It is titled, “West Of The Moon.” I feel confident that it will sell, due to the fact that no one is writing anything original anymore. Hollywood keeps cranking out remakes. This screenplay is loosely based on fact. This story has never been told on celluloid. I have high hopes. I visualize Billy Bob Thornton or Robert Rodriquez directing it.

Regrets: 1. I never did lead the covert operation to Mexico City to liberate the banner that flew over the Alamo during the struggle for Texas’ independence. Their government got wind of our planned op and moved it. For now, I better leave that to some younger fellow. However, I still fly a replica flag of the Constitution of 1824 each year during those 13 days. Folks around here thought we were Italians. Get it, green, white & red? They just couldn’t figure out the 1824!

16 Truths That I Have Learned (not necessarily in this order) That I Would Like To Share:

1. There is nothing sweeter than a little voice that says, “Good morning, Daddy!”

2. There is no feeling more comfortable than having your child fall asleep in your arms.

3. Motorists in San Angelo suffer the highest incidents of cephalo-rectal inversion in the United States, followed closely by those drivers in Las Vegas. However, there are so many more distractions in Vegas. Go figure!

4. Love transcends death.

5. One can of Old El Paso Enchilada Sauce, one can of Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup, one heaping tablespoon of cumin, one tablespoon of dark brown chile powder, and one third can of water stirred and simmered for ten minutes makes as close to Henry’s “Delicious Sauce” (when he actually owned the place) as you can get.

6. There is a “parallel universe”. The only thing that separates us from it is a tiny silver thread.

7. Jesus is alive and prayers are answered, and the devil exists and will always do his best to get you.

8. There are only BEEF fajitas. The ranchers did not give the worst cut from a chicken, a shrimp or a lobster to the Mexican cowboys to eat. Anything other than flash-fried skirt steak in a flour tortilla is a burrito. Stop the insanity!

9. Never go to bed mad at someone you love.

10. Cowboy boots are infinitely more comfortable than motorcycle boots, but just remember to put your heels down first when stopping.

11. Sobriety is a wonderful thing (8 years for me now) and does not deserve the bad rep that some folks give it.

12. Flour tortillas heated on an iron griddle are exponentially better than those heated in a microwave.

13. Nothing and no one are ever as important as family.

14. You will never have a friend more loyal than a dog who adopts YOU. The same can be said of a cat.

15. There is no better crease for a cowboy hat than the one sported by Augustus McCrea (Robert Duvall) in “Lonesome Dove”.

16. We ARE surrounded by angels.

Wish I could be there with you-uns (oops) y’all for the gig!

God Bless & Warmest Regards Always,

b. dow shaffer