Regrets Chapter 9
When they reached the outer edge town, and their horses weren't in sight, Jamen said, "Why don't we walk?"
"All right," Xena smiled. Jamen held out his hand, and she didn't hesitate to take it. Their fingers intertwined as they began to walk to the clearing.
"Did you ever do this before?" Jamen asked, after a couple minutes of silence.
"What's that?" Xena asked.
"Walk with a man, holding hands?"
Xena thought long and hard. "I think so," she replied finally. "When I was in Amphipolis, before I learned the ways of the world."
Jamen nodded. "Things were a lot different then, huh?"
Xena let out a deep breath. "Yes, they were. I used to dream about using my sword for a living, but I don't think I ever stopped to consider what side I would be fighting for."
"How old were you when you first picked up a sword?" Jamen asked.
"Too young. My brother, Lyceus, and I used to battle around the house with wooden swords. Finally, I went to the blacksmith and begged him for real ones. I was about eight, and Lyceus was only six. The blacksmith was my friend, and I used my charm to get him to do it. They weren't sharp, and we really couldn't do any more damage with them than we could with the wooden ones, but they made that satisfying clanking noise when they came together. The blacksmith made us promise to keep them hidden, but we managed to sneak away almost every day to practice." She smiled fondly at the memory.
"Were you better than him?" Lyceus asked.
"Not at first," Xena answered. "If found myself having to…" She paused and looked down toward her breastplate, " focus on staying balanced. That took me a while, and Lyceus was a fast developer too, so until I reached around the age of fifteen, he beat me as often as I beat him. Then I gradually gained more control over my body, and I began to beat him more and more."
"Beautiful, and deadly with a sword," Jamen mused, as the clearing loomed in the distance. "How did the boys of Amphipolis deal with that?"
Xena chuckled. "Not very well," she admitted, "I didn't show off my sword handling skills until I was older, but I mortified my brothers by telling the boys in the village I wouldn't let them kiss me unless they could beat me at arm-wrestling."
Bursting out with a surprised laugh, Jamen tried to get a mental picture of that. "Did any of them ever win?" he asked.
"Oh sure," Xena replied, with a wicked grin, "But the only ones who could beat me were much older than me…and much more experienced."
"I see," Jamen replied thoughtfully. He didn't take the bait though, instead asking, "You keep talking about your younger brother. You have an older brother too, don't you?"
They were at the clearing, and Xena sat on one of the logs they had used on the previous evening. "Yes, Toris," she replied. "He's three years older than I am."
Jamen noticed she spoke of him in the present tense. "He's still alive?" he asked, sounding surprised.
Xena nodded as he sat down next to her. "As far as I know," she answered. "I haven't seen him for…over a year now. He's a lot different from Lyceus and me. More of a talker than anything, not much of a warrior."
Jamen cocked his head and studied her. He couldn't tell if she thought those were negative traits or not.
"He looks a lot more like me than Lyceus did," Xena continued, "but we were totally opposite in temperament."
"You were more like Lyceus?"
"Not really…Lyceus was a dreamer…he had high hopes for both of us. He was the kind of person who accomplished what he set out to do, and if I told him my dreams, he'd do everything he could to make them become true."
"He was your biggest supporter," Jamen suggested, after a beat.
Xena's eyes momentarily lost their sparkle. "Yeah," she said, softly, wistfully. Thinking of Lyceus for too long always grew painful for her.
Jamen sensed this and rapidly changed the subject. "What about your mother and father?" he asked.
Xena relaxed visibly, on more comfortable turf. "My father left us when I was very young; I don't remember him hardly at all. He was a dirty son of a…well…probably not as bad as your father, but he was cut of the same cloth."
"And your mother?"
"My mother…" Xena echoed, a slow smile stretching over her features. "You'd like her…she's full of spitfire when she's riled. But she's beautiful and independent and smart and…well, you get the picture." Xena suddenly felt kind of cruel going on about Cyrene when Jamen didn't even know whom his mother was.
He was listening to her, a dreamy look on his face. "She sounds wonderful," he said sweetly. "Did she have any idea what kind of a teenager you were?"
Xena quirked a grin. "Oh, yeah," she answered. "I used to give her fits. She'd preach and punish and scold and plead, but I didn't listen to her…looking back at it, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and regrets if I had…but I was way too stubborn. If the truth is known, I think my mother and I are a lot alike."
"How did she react to your…well…your becoming what you became?"
"Not well," Xena replied. "For a long time, she wanted nothing to do with me. She even held my own sword to my throat when I went back to Amphipolis to try to make peace with her."
"You're kidding!" Jamen exclaimed, his eyes widening. "How did you react?"
"Oh, I didn't blame her," came the easy response. "Not a bit. She had no way of knowing that I had turned my life around. I had lied to her so many times before. But when she saw I was telling the truth…that I had really turned to good, she accepted me back whole-heartedly."
Jamen nodded soberly, as he took all this in. "It's said a mother's love is irreplaceable," he said slowly, his voice suddenly very soft.
Xena's thoughts briefly shifted to her own son Solan, and the fact that he wasn't aware she was his mother. She wasn't ready to tell Jamen about the boy she had given up to the centaurs, not yet. Especially in light with Jamen's struggles to know the love of a parent.
"That may be true," she said carefully, "but others can love you even if they aren't flesh and blood. Gabrielle taught me that."
"I know that's true," he agreed. He gave her a sweet smile, then looked up. "There are our wandering friends," he said, indicating Argo and Mercury frolicking in the rapidly dwindling sunlight.
Xena smiled at the handsome pair in the distance. Argo's golden color was almost the same as the sunset, and she appeared as little more than a tall, imposing silhouette. Mercury's darker color made him easier to see.
Xena, feeling a sense of comfort and peace she wasn't expecting, lowered her head until it rested comfortably against Jamen's shoulder. His hands came up to gently rub up and down her arm. They knew they didn't have time for lovemaking; Gabrielle would be there at any time, but just the nearness of the other was a relaxing sensation in itself.
As if reading her thoughts, Jamen asked, "Do you…uh…plan on telling Gabrielle?"
Xena knew what he meant. "Yeah," she replied slowly. "I will…I've just got to wait for the right time."
"How do you think she'll react?" Jamen pressed on.
"I think she'll be happy for us," Xena replied, without hesitation. "We've been in this situation before, only Gabrielle was the one involved. In that case, she was going to settle down with him."
"Settle down?" Jamen repeated. "Gabrielle doesn't seem the type to stay in one place for very long."
Xena shrugged as her mind traveled to the tragic period of time when Gabrielle had been married to Perdicus. "It didn't work out the way she planned," she responded simply. "So we ended up not separating after all."
Jamen nodded solemnly. Every subject he brought up seemed to be painful to Xena in some way. He had seen a lot of terrible things in his lifetime, but he had the feeling it was nothing compared to Xena's experiences.
"Are we going to camp here tonight?" he asked, letting her know he wasn't going to press the issue.
"Yeah, we probably should. I'm sure Gabrielle didn't get much sleep last night, and I know we didn't, so it would probably be the smartest thing to do." Her eyes glowed with the emphasis of her statement.
"You want wood duty or supper duty?" Jamen asked then.
"Doesn't matter to me. What do you want to do?"
He smiled at her. "I don't care."
Xena rolled her eyes at him. "I'll get supper," she said. "My chakram comes in handy when it comes to that."
"All right…I'll meet you back here in a little while."
Xena nodded as she headed east toward the denser part of the trees around them.
It was only a matter of a couple of minutes before she had two rabbits in her hands. Hunting came as naturally to her as breathing.
Knowing she'd have a little while before Gabrielle or Jamen would be back to the campsite, she let her thoughts wander. The questions Jamen had asked her were perfectly normal, and were to be expected. If they were to have a continuing relationship, that is. Jamen seemed to automatically assume it was already happening.
And Xena realized she should have protested immediately…and didn't. The thought hadn't occurred to her until now.
She thought of the men she had been involved with for any length of time. There were really only two, Borias and Marcus, and with Marcus, it had always been on again, off again. She had been with Borias for almost two years, although she never felt she really loved him. Borias' goals and hers were the same, at least in the beginning, and they had shared unbelievably fantastic sex. Xena learned to take out most of her battle lust on him, and they would often couple like wild animals. Then, when she had become pregnant, Borias began to change. At the time, Xena had thought it was because of the coming baby, but now she realized the changes had been gradually coming; she had just been blind to them. He had died, moments after Solan was born, and Xena had felt a great deal of hurt and regret over it.
But now, the feelings she had for Jamen were unlike any she had ever had before. She found herself very comfortable around him, almost as comfortable as she had grown to be with Gabrielle. He had initiated his way right into their lives, and she didn't mind a bit. She couldn't help but think what the future might hold for them though. She had little doubt that they would be successful in stopping Barclan. But what would happen after that? Would she and Jamen just part company, always having fond memories of their time together? Or would Jamen want to continue riding with them? When Gabrielle had married Perdicus, part of the reason was to give him stability after killing so many. He wanted to go home, and he wanted to take Gabrielle with him. Jamen had no home to return to; like Xena, he had nothing to tie him down.
Her keen ears suddenly caught the sound of voices, and Xena realized Gabrielle and Jamen were back at the camp. Xena picked up the rabbits, and quickly made her way back to them.
Xena smiled at her companions as she sat down beside Jamen, and handed him one of the rabbits. They prepared them quickly, and Gabrielle set about frying the mat in some lard, along with some potato slices.
While the rabbit was cooking, Gabrielle looked from Xena to Jamen, and back at Xena again. "Why is everyone so quiet?" she asked.
Xena shrugged. "I guess I'm tired," she replied.
Gabrielle eyed her for a second. Xena wasn't the kind of person to get quiet when she was tired. Instead, she was more apt to be in a talkative, nervous mood. Gabrielle couldn't see anything amiss in the Warrior Princess's attitude though, so she let it go without giving it a second thought.
Xena reached for a polishing cloth and began to work on her sword, needing something to keep her occupied. She didn't like the feeling of being at a loss for words, but right now she didn't know what to say to either Gabrielle or Jamen.
After watching her silently for a moment, Jamen stood and moved to Gabrielle's side. He watched her stir the rabbit, then said, "I really enjoyed your storytelling today."
Gabrielle's smile matched his own. "Thank you!" she said. "When I was young, I got in trouble for telling too many stories. Now, you're encouraging it."
Jamen laughed, then told her," Xena promised me you'd tell me more."
"Sure! If you want!' Gabrielle's face lit up as brightly as it had when she had won the competition. Xena's head was lowered, but her eyes took in the expression of delight on her friend's face. Her eyes warmed affectionately.
"Yeah, I would," Jamen was saying, "like I told Xena, growing up, I didn't really have anyone to tell me stories. I'd kind of like to catch up on what I've missed."
"You've got it! It's the one thing I do best!" Gabrielle heard Xena snicker, and tried to shoot her a dirty look, but realized Xena wasn't making fun of her.
"Don't let her fool you, Jamen," Xena said. "Gabrielle has many skills."
Jamen reached out to touch Gabrielle, who was glowing with pride at Xena's statement, on the shoulder, then bent to pick up the waterskins. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he said.
Xena thoughtfully watched him go, before working on her sword again.
"He actually wants to hear my stories…" Gabrielle said to Xena. It was more of a question than a statement.
Xena looked up at her with a nod. "He was like a young boy at the contest today," she responded.
"He didn't have much of a childhood, did he?" Gabrielle asked, pulling the frying pan further away from the fire. It was almost done.
"No," Xena confirmed. "Not much of one at all."
"You've spent a lot of time with him the last couple of days, Xena."
"Yeah…"
"What do you make of him?"
Xena looked up at her. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"I don't know exactly…it's just that…you act a little differently around him."
The statement caught Xena off-guard, and Gabrielle could have swore she saw her friend grow a little pale despite her dark tan. "Different how?"
Gabrielle began to dish up their meal. "It's hard to say," she answered. "I haven't really put my finger on it yet. It just seems like you've gotten quieter around him…you don't talk as much."
"I was never much for talking," Xena pointed out. She thought carefully about the last couple of days. She had spent very little time with Gabrielle, and hadn't been aware the blonde had been able to observe her that closely. They had grown to know each other so well, though, that she wasn't too surprised.
For a brief second, Xena debated telling Gabrielle about her relationship with Jamen. However, he was due back at any time, and Xena didn't want to be in the middle of a conversation that was bound to embarrass…somebody.
"True," Gabrielle was saying," but you're even more quiet than usual."
Xena shrugged. "Sorry," she replied. "I'll try to speak up more." She gave Gabrielle her winsome smile, and turned back to the sanctity of her sword sharpening once again.
After Jamen had returned with the waterskins, the trio settled down to eat. Xena and Jamen used the time to tell Gabrielle what had happened with Dal on the previous afternoon. Gabrielle enjoyed hearing about it; especially since she was on the receiving end of a story this time.
When they had finished relating the events, Xena's eyes took on a mischievous glint as Gabrielle asked if there was anymore to the story. "Actually, there is," she replied, her eyes sparkling, "Dal whispered something to Jamen before we left, and he doesn't seem to want to tell me what it was."
Jamen grinned infuriatingly at Gabrielle, then Xena. "I told you, if you were nice to me, I might tell you what he said."
"I've been nice to you all day," Xena protested playfully. "Very nice," she added, her voice nearly a purr.
The grin that was plastered on Gabrielle's face slowly faded, as she stared at the two warriors. Jamen was still grinning at Xena, an expression she had grown to expect, but Xena's response was extraordinary. Her eyes were narrowed, the eyelids hooding their clear blue color, and her mouth was pursed in a smile of pleasure. Gabrielle had only seen a similar expression a few times before. For long moments, she wondered whether or not the pair remembered she was still there. Their eyes were focused only on each other, and suggested an intimacy Gabrielle hadn't noticed before. Suddenly, a lot o the enigmatical statements they had been saying began to make much more sense to her. She began to wonder how Xena and Jamen had spent the previous evening.
Finally, Xena broke the moment, after noticing Gabrielle was studying them. Jamen chuckled quietly to himself, thoroughly enjoying what had just happened.
Gabrielle spoke, "So what's the plan?" she asked.
Xena blinked at her. "Huh?"
Gabrielle beamed then, knowing it was nearly impossible to do what she had just done, ruffle Xena. "How are we going to find Barclan?"
"Oh," Xena replied, realizing what Gabrielle was asking. She snapped herself out of her revelry, then said, "Well, Jamen is the expert on the subject, but we'll be trailing the group that was at the mountain camp. Jamen says they'll lead to the next tier of Barclan's men, and then we will trail them."
"Right," Jamen nodded. "And we'll just have to continue doing that, until we find the group that leads us to Barclan."
"It sounds like peeling off the layers of an onion," Gabrielle observed, after listening carefully.
Jamen nodded approvingly. "That's a good way of stating it," he said. "And that's essentially what we'll be doing. But Barclan is very clever. He changes his defenses constantly, and none of his men will be aware of his entire plan, so we have to be very careful."
Gabrielle nodded again, never doubting for a moment that they would be successful, as long as Xena was involved. "I'm going to use part of the prize money to buy myself a new pair of shoes," she mused, "because it sounds like I'm going to be doing a lot of walking."
Xena quirked a grin at her. She and Gabrielle were used to long treks. Gabrielle stifled a sudden yawn, the events of the long day suddenly catching up with her. Xena noticed it, and said, "That's a good idea, we should all get some sleep. We'll head out at first light."
"I'll take the dishes down to the river and wash them," Jamen told them, standing up.
Gabrielle knew it was his way of giving her some privacy, as she got ready for bed. There was no reason for modesty, however, she and Xena always slept fully clothed when they slept in the open. They were awakened too many times by various marauders and ne'er-do-wells, who had no respect for a girl's sleep.
Gabrielle crawled into her bedroll, which she had already laid out. She watched curiously as Xena unrolled her own sleeping skin; wondering where Xena would lay it.
Chapter 10
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