Work is a Drag
"What am I doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here. My sleep schedule
is all messed up because of that stupid job I got fired from this morning. I
worked night shift for the last five months and now I can't sleep tonight.
So I'm sitting here with you trying to forget the world's worst job."
"Hey don't scoff like that. It isn't like you work! I don't consider
skulking around at night trying to scare girls from the dorms as work."
"Bartender one beer and one Bloody Mary...AB positive. Might as well use up
my last check in a good cause. To end sobriety for my fellow man and myself,
well you are a vampire but you come close."
"Drink up my blood sucking fiend I mean friend. Whichever, its appropriate.
So want to hear the horror story that is my life? It might be good to give
you a laugh. Maybe. You seem to like it when we are miserable so this should
give you the jollies big time. Okay my night started when I woke up to Anya
breaking up with my sorry ass. Because I've been working night shift that
means I sleep during the day. I was actually beginning to wonder if I had
been turned and someone forgot to tell me. You know I'm usually the last to
know these things. It would be my luck to be a vampire and no one told me
for the first few months. Not that anyone would notice probably."
"Anyway I worked at that gas station on the corner of Wood and Main."
"Anyway because I've been sleeping during the day and been gone every night
we haven't been um...you...know? Well we haven't been and she got it into
her head that either I don't want her or that I'm seeing someone on the
side. Which is RIDICULOUS! Because even if I did want to cheat...when would
I have had time? I'm too TIRED!"
"So there I am going to work after she breaks up with me and guess what? I
forgot about the time change! I arrive an hour LATE! My fault I admit it I
screwed up but it is an understandable screw up I mean everyone else arrived
late too so I don't know why I got zeroed in on. Little Miss
Perky-perfect-sleeping-with-the-boss didn't get into trouble! Oh no of
course, she got a pat on the back before she left. I bet that isn't all he
patted after she got off work last night! That was SO not fair! I mean not
that she sleeps with him but that she gets away with murder and I got dumped
"Oh how do I know she sleeps with him? You mean besides catching them going
at it in the back? Oh one day he left his address book behind and it
accidentally fell open...to all of the pages one at a time. I swear it was a
freak occurrence so stop with the evil smirk! Anyway I happened to glance at
each page as that...um...mysterious wind...turned each page. And out of
everyone that works for him HERS is the only address in it and it was
circled and had a BIG ass star beside it. Anyway to move on I had to deal
with a very rude customer. I hate selling lottery by the way. Hate it, hate
it, hate it, and hate it! Have I mentioned yet that I hate lottery? It is
those stupid little rub off tickets that are the worst! The validation
machine is turned off about 20 minutes into my shift and every one knows
this, there is this giant sign right over my window and I told the idiot
every time he came up that the machine would be shut down soon. So he just
keeps buying and buying and buying tickets...he buys them then walks away
and scratches them off then buys more saving all the winners up apparently.
So about ONE MINUTE after I turn the damn machine OFF he wants to have them
all validated! Oh he was so mad. He threatened me and kicked at the cage
door. We call that area where we stand behind the bulletproof glass the cage
by the way. Anyway he tries to come through the cage, of course he couldn't
so instead he goes home and apparently calls my manager who is home for the
night and tells him that I shut the machine down ten minutes before it was
time. I SO did not!"
"Bartender more booze!"
"Want anything different or keep with the Real Bloody Mary's? Okay set him
"Oh did I mention that the uniforms were neon orange? Neon orange with a
neon green strip down the middle. Oh so lovely...and you thought I had bad
dress sense? I wonder if the guy that designed that was blind! At least
color blind! God, Hawaiian shirts are the height of fashion compared to
these travesties of cloth. My theory is that if a gunman comes into the
store they want to make sure he shoots the right person."
"Woohoo boy this stuff really kicks in after a while don't it? Hey what does
that taste like? Oh tangy like someone left a spoon in it too long. Have you
ever licked a spoon for a long time, it tastes a little like that. I like
the celery, nice touch. No? I guess I'm the only one that has ever licked
spoons. I'll have a Bloody Mary...but put tomato juice in it for me."
"Anyway I am supposed to clean the shelves both on top and underneath them
where the candy is. So that meant I needed to remove the shelves each time.
So I start doing that and I lay the shelf on the floor because that is the
only place I have room and all of a sudden everyone in Sunnydale decides
that they MUST have a pickle, a slim Jim, a pack of cigarettes, AND a 2
liter of pop! So that means that each time someone comes to the door I have
to run back into the cage lock my door, and then unlock the outside door to
let the customer in. Then they leave I lock the outside door go out of my
cage check to make sure the outside door is locked then get one swipe of the
washcloth in before having to run back into the cage! So this is going on
and most people are avoiding this shelf that is on the floor. So this one
guy that comes in every night decides that he is going to get a donut and
SLIPS on the shelf on the floor! So now I have this guy telling me that he
is going to sue me and my boss for his back. So I get another lovely little
call from my manager."
"Are you going to finish that Bloody Mary? At this point I don't care...I'll
just pretend I've had a nosebleed we can't let good booze go to waste! There
is a law...or something...isn't there? So gimme! Hey something is wrong with
my alignment I'm pulling to the left."
"Anyway it gets to be time that I need to stock the pop right? Guess what
shift hadn't stocked it at all on their shift? I checked their sheets they
put out NONE...and there was a big sale buy one get one free so I had to
stock almost ALL the pop except for diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Pepsi...we
couldn't move that crap if we paid people to take it! So I'm going to the
back to get more pop and I notice that there is an inch of water in the
back. An inch of HOT water. I look up at the water heater thing-y and it
looks like someone had tried putting masking tape around where it was
leaking then wrapped it with rags."
"So guess who had to make a call to the manager himself? That's right ME!
And who got blamed for having to call out a repairman in the middle of the
night at one AM in the morning? ME! So I have the manager there in person
now and the repairman and they are both giving me the evil eye like it is MY
fault and what happens? My manager leans against the doorframe and it
crumbles! The store has termites! So I had to listen to my manager rant and
rave before calling the big boss, The owner. By this time I'm about to pass
out because I am so damn tired. I hadn't had any coffee or pop all night. So
I'm trying to do busy work to keep from getting in more trouble so I start
washing down the walls of the cage. I had noticed they were a little dingy.
So I start to clean and the owner comes in to check on the repairman and
notices that the walls are going from tan to bluish gray. So now the owner
starts reading the manager the riot act for allowing smoking in the cage. I
didn't know that they weren't allowed to smoke! No one told me! So the
manager is so glaring at me after the owner leaves because she is one of the
"So the manager finally leaves thank God. Another Bloody Mary
please...um...I don't care...surprise me just don't leave out the vodka I
don't care which kind you give me."
"So by the time the manager is leaving the bars are letting out. There are
three bars in the neighborhood. One is a biker, one is a demon bar and the
other is a gay bar. And I'll tell you the truth it is getting tougher to
tell which bar people are coming from! Not that I really mind to tell the
truth. The other night a cute little thing came in that would knock your
socks off I'm telling you that she...he...whatever had a body that was to
die for...in your case...to die for again. Recently some Drag Queens have
been coming in on a regular basis. They are pretty cool. Just don't get one
mad. Yikes. Anyway some of them are really pretty. Not that I ever seriously
thought about going out with any of them. Well, not really, I mean there was
this one. Looked like Buffy but that would have been just too weird. For
weeks though I kept wondering what was under Buffy's skirt. Like maybe she
has a secret? Never mind. Um."
"Anyway a demon drag queen came in last night. Oh I knew it was a demon. I
mean that the five eyes kind of gave it away. The ten tentacles did too.
How did I know it was a male? Well, it's boob fell out onto the counter that
kind of clued me in. Anyway he, she, whatever starts hitting on me! Maybe
Anya had just broke up with me but I'm not that desperate! I do have
standards. Five eyes are a little excessive to me. Not to sound speciesist.
I just mean that I prefer only two...okay three at the most. Well all right
there was that one time where four eyes...but five is beyond my limit. Got
to say he was kinda sweet. The tentacles were...um...interesting too."
"Anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes? Corillian, corellian,
cerulean whatever BLUE! The most beautiful shade of blue! And when they are
all big and wide like that you look so innocent."
"What's wrong? You look pale...well paler."
"Anyway so he is hitting on me and I'm wondering why do demons have cars? I
mean shouldn't they be skulking around dark alleys walking instead of
driving really cool sports cars? He offered me a ride but I turned him down.
He winked four of his five eyes at me before he gave me his number. I didn't
keep it though."
"I bet you would look good dressed up. I bet sapphire or emerald velvet
would look great on you!"
"Are you okay? You almost fell off your stool!"
"I bet you would look like a really young version of that old lady on
Mulberry! Huh? Mulberry is a British comedy...you really need to brush up on
your heritage. Anyway she is all regal looking with high cheekbones like
you. I bet we wouldn't even have to put much make up on you."
"Did you burn yourself? You should be careful lighting cigarettes. You
almost set your hand on fire."
"Anyway I got fired this morning and the reason they ended up giving was
that I forgot to make coffee this morning and the coffee pot got burnt along
"You know? I have a couple of dresses that didn't fit Anya at my place I bet
they would fit you."
"Are you okay? I've never heard of a vampire choking before. I also have a
cute little cheerleader outfit you could try. You know, shake your pom poms
at me. Aw come on it would only be for a second, trust me I would help you
get out of the clothes real fast. Let's go to my place hmm? Nice and warm.
No I only have two hands I didn't grow more why do you ask? I bet you would
look real nice! Please, I'll do puppy dog eyes! Please?"
"Bartender this should cover the bill...we've got...stuff...to do."