What Makes a Man?

By Marion

Rated PG for one bad word

Disclaimers – I didn't create anyone here except Hank and Josh. Annie's not in this story folks, she's still living in California with her father…

The story takes place two years before Ponderosa. If I've done my math right, Adam's 19, Hoss (or more properly,Erik) is 15 and Joe is 10.

I met a coupla new fellas. They're livin' with their Pa and Ma in the boardin' house right below us. Hank and Josh are fun guys to hang around with. Their Pa ain't half so strict as Pa is, and I gotta admit, I was kinda jealous. The other mornin', Joe and me were outside doin' our chores. Adam doesn't have chores around the house on account of him workin' at the store with Pa. If you ask me, Joe and me shouldn't have chores, neither, on account of we're livin' in a boardin' house, but Pa makes us do things for Mrs. Hansen, the owner. She gives him a little off the rent cuz we cut the wood and tend to her animals and such. I don't mind takin' care of the animals, I like doin' it, but it seems to me iffen we're doin' the work, we oughta get paid. I tried explainin' that to Pa, but he just looked at me the way he does. Anyway, Joe and me were doin' our chores when Hank and Josh came by. They don't have any chores to do and they can pretty much do what they want all day. They leaned on the fence and watched us a few minutes.

"Hey, Erik!" Josh pushed away from the fence and stood up straight.

"Hey, Josh."

"We're goin' fishin', want to come?" I thought for a few minutes. Joe just looked at me.

"Erik" he whispered. "Erik, we got lessons with Ma after this. What's she going to do if you don't come back upstairs?"

Now if there's one thing I hate more'n doin' chores for Mrs. Hansen, it's sittin' lessons with Ma. It's not that I don't like bein' with Ma, I do, but I hate havin' to sit still and study. Seems to me to be a real waste of time. Still, Ma and, more importantly, Pa insist that I do the lessons. I reckon I'm fifteen and I oughta be able to decide for myself, but Pa don't see it that way. When he was fifteen, he was on his own, makin' his own decisions. I decided it was time I did the same. I nodded my head.

"Sure, I'll go."

Joe looked shocked. "What am I gonna tell Ma?"

"Tell her you don't know where I am. That won't be a lie, cuz I'm not tellin' you where I'm goin'."

"What are you going to tell Pa?"

"Maybe Ma won't tell him." Joe just rolled his eyes. "Well, I'll just tell Pa I'm old enough to make my own decisions." Now Joe just shook his head. I turned to Hank and Josh. "C'mon, let's get goin'."

We had a great morning fishing. I caught a bunch of fish, but I gave them to Hank and Josh 'cuz if I brought them home, I knew I'd be the one who got caught. We headed into the yard for lunch and I washed up at the trough outside. I just finished wiping my hands on my trousers when Adam came up to me. He looked surprised to see me.

"Hey, Adam."

"Hey? That's what you have to say? Where on earth have you been? Ma's angry and so's Pa. What were you thinking going fishing?"

"Quit actin' the older brother, would ya? Did Joe tell on me?"

"Did you expect him to lie? You know he wouldn't. He skirted around it with Ma, but as soon as Pa came home and asked him straight out, Joe said you went fishing with Hank and Josh." We brothers would bend the truth for each other, we'd omit facts, but we'd never outright lie for each other. We didn't expect that any brother would lie for us, either. Nothing but nothing makes Pa angrier than being lied to, unless it's outright defyin' him.

"Erik, how good of you to come home." Pa's quiet voice had more anger in it than if he was yellin'. I started to think maybe I made a bad decision this mornin'. "Adam, would you excuse us, please?" Adam skedaddled right quick and for a minute I thought back to all the times I was the one doin' the excusin' and Adam was the one in trouble. Ain't been like that for a long time. Adam never gets into trouble anymore.

Pa beckoned me to stand in front of him, and I did. Tall as I am, and I'm taller'n Adam, Pa's still taller. I looked at him square in the eye, decided I didn't much like what I saw and looked at my feet.

"Look at me, Erik." Pa insists on us lookin' at him when he's lecturin'. It's just about the hardest thing to do, but I reckon he knows that. I looked at him best I could, but I couldn't get much higher than his chin. "Where have you been?"

"Fishin'."

"Where are your fish?"

"Sir?"

"You're a good fisherman. Where are the fish you caught, or weren't they biting today?"

I debated about saying they weren't bitin', but I knew if I got caught in a lie, nothin'd save me from a tannin'. I chewed a bit on my bottom lip while I thought about what to say. "I gave them to Josh and Hank."

"Why?"

"Sir?"

"You heard the question. I'm not going to repeat myself."

"I reckoned iffen you saw fish, you'd know what I did."

"You left here without permission, you missed your lessons with your mother and you caused her unnecessary worry. Did you think I would not figure out what you had done? I want to know why you did it."

Suddenly I got kinda mad. I was fifteen years old and he was treatin' me like I was younger'n Joe. "I decided to go fishing today instead of lessons." I was surprised by how calm I sounded.

I reckon I surprised Pa as well. He raised an eyebrow, then looked down at me. "Well, then, you will decide to spend this Saturday indoors, making up the lessons that you missed today. And you will decide to spend the rest of today sitting at the table doing nothing." Boy, Adam has nothin' on Pa when it comes to bein' sarcastic.

"Pa…"

"Erik, if you argue with me, you won't be sitting at that table comfortably. Now go upstairs and go to your room. You can come to the table after lunch."

I couldn't believe it! I was going to have to be inside the rest of today, all day Saturday and he was going to make me miss lunch, too? No one, but no one has a Pa as unfair as mine. I started to open my mouth to argue, but he rested his hand down by his belt buckle, so I shut my mouth pretty quick. I headed towards the door.

"Erik?" I turned when Pa called me. "You be sure to apologize to your mother when you go upstairs."

"Yes, sir." What else could I say?

Saturday was just plum awful. The sun was shinin', Josh and Hank were off fishin' again and I was stuck inside. Joe and Adam went off fishin' too. I was hopin' Pa would go with 'em, so I wouldn't have ta do lessons with him watchin' me, but I was outta luck. Ma and me sat at the table and he sat right across from us, workin' on his books and writin' a letter to Uncle Ed. He made me so nervous that Ma had to correct me a whole buncha times. She even had to scold me for not payin' attention. I was worried he'd jump in at that, but I think he and Ma have an understandin' that he don't interfere with lessons unless she asks him to. I can't imagine what he'd do if Joe or me made Ma so angry that she had to tell him about it. I mean, we've gotten in trouble with her plenty, but she never tells Pa, or if he comes to hear about it, she tells him she took care of us. She usually does, too. Sometimes I think I'd rather take a lickin' from Pa than one of Ma's punishments. She can really make a fella feel low. Not this time, though. Ever since I went fishin' I been feelin' jumpy around him.

Somehow I made it through the day. I think Ma was just as happy as me to be done with the lessons. When we finished she closed her books and looked at me, very seriously. Ma doesn’t look at us seriously too much so when she does, we'd best sit up and take notice.

"Erik, I trust we will not have to study on Saturday again? You will stay during the week for the lessons, non?"

I could feel Pa's eyes on me as I looked at her. "Yes, ma'am, it won't happen again. I'm real sorry it happened at all." Ain't that the truth, though maybe I wasn't sorry for the reason she thought. "Can I, I mean, may I be excused please?" Ma nodded and I started to stand.

Pa spoke up then. "You aren't thinking of joining your brothers, are you?" When I nodded, he shook his head. "I said you were to stay inside today."

I sat down hard. "But, Pa, I did my lessons like you said!" I wasn't thinkin' and I raised my voice. That was a bad idea. Pa don't tolerate his sons raisin' voices to him.

"Erik, you are excused to your room." Pa's voice was full of that quiet warnin' he gets sometimes.

I shoved my chair back. "Fine." I stomped towards my room.

"Erik!" Pa's single word stopped me and I turned towards him. He was standing up and he looked angry all over again. I don't know why, but he was all over me like bees in a honey tree. I reckoned I'd best pull in my horns before he decided to sting.

"I'm sorry, Pa. I'm sorry, Ma. May I be excused to my room?" Ma nodded and I headed for my room. As I closed the door behind me I could hear them talking. Pa said "I was hoping we'd skip this stage with Erik." I could hear Ma laugh a little. "Well, mon cher, we survived Adam, did we not? I think Erik will not be so bad. Now, mon petit Joseph…" They got real quiet and I decided to stop listenin'.

That made me think. Adam was such a perfect son now that it was hard to remember when he used to get into trouble, but he and Pa were always buttin' heads in New Orleans. Iffen I remembered right, he spent most of his sixteenth year standin' up. Seems to me Pa oughta cut me a little slack. Skippin' out on lessons wasn't half so bad as some of the things Adam done.

Sunday was a quiet day. Usually if there's a minister in town, Pa and Adam and Joe and me go to the service. Ma doesn't go, on accounta she's Catholic. She worries sometimes about Joe not bein' raised up Catholic, cuz that's how she's supposed to raise him, but Pa says he reckons as long as Joe is raised to believe in God and to obey God's laws, then Joe'll be just fine. Ma says he's probably right, but that it's hard to ignore years of teachin' by nuns. I'm glad I didn't go to school with those nuns she keeps talkin' about, they sound awful mean. There was no minister in town that Sunday, so that meant we didn't have to go to church. I was glad about that. Seems to me a man is closer to God when he's surrounded by the beauty God created than when he's sittin' in a church listenin' to some old man spout on and on. O'course, I don't share that opinion with no one. I've got some sense. Anyway, we had to spend the morning readin' from the Bible but in the afternoon we took a picnic lunch to the Lake and enjoyed ourselves. Pa don't hold to rough housin' on Sunday, but he does allow us to swim and play quiet games. He tells stories sometimes about when he was a boy and how they had to spend all day in church. Makes me real glad we're out here in the wilderness.

Now Eagle Station ain't a very excitin' place. We sometimes get a wagon train that passes nearby, but we don't get newcomers movin' in that often. Monday was different, though. We got a new lady in town and she weren't nothin' like no lady I'd ever seen before. First off, she wore trousers. And she smoked a cigar. And, she bought a buildin' from Frenchy, er, Mr. Devereaux so's she could open a saloon. Ma didn't look real happy about that last bit of news when Pa told it at the supper table. She frowned as she looked at me and Adam and Joe, then she looked at Pa with this look. Ma and Pa have this way of talkin' without talkin', kind of like me and Adam do sometimes and Joe's learnin' to do. Anyway, when Ma gave Pa this look, he looked around at the three of us.

"I'm sure I don't need to tell you boys to stay away from the saloon, do I?" He heard two no Pas, then looked at me. "Erik?"

I was startled. I wasn't really payin' much attention to what Pa was sayin' and I didn't really know what he expected. I looked at Adam and he shook his head a little. "Uh, no, sir." I hoped that was the right answer. Pa seemed satisfied anyway.

The next afternoon, after lessons, I hooked up with Hank and Josh. They were all full of ideas on how to sneak into the saloon to get a drink. They were both 16 and their Pa probably wouldn't object anyway.

"C'mon Erik, join us." I shook my head. My Pa would object, I knew. If it sounded like it might be fun, Pa would definitely object.

"Aw, Erik, ya look like you're at least 18. She'll serve ya, if that's what you're worried about. As long as ya have money, I bet she'll serve ya."

I did have some money, enough to buy a drink or two anyway, but I knew Pa would find out somehow. The thought of him comin' and draggin' me outta that bar just embarrassed the heck outta me. I couldn't do it.

Pa announced that night that Mr. Orowitz, the man who owned the store Pa worked in, needed Pa and Adam to go away for a few days. He needed someone to bring a shipment in from Hangtown and he was payin' Pa and Adam extra to do it. My ears perked right up when I heard that. If Pa was away, he couldn't drag me outta that saloon.

The next day I made my plans with the fellas. I'd wait 'til Ma went to bed, then I'd sneak out. I thought about sneakin' out the window, but I didn't much care for breakin' my leg. If she caught me, I'd just say I was goin' to the outhouse.

That worked like a charm. She didn't even hear me gettin' out, so I didn't have ta lie to her. I'm not a real good liar. I met the fellas outside the door of the saloon and we sauntered in like we had every right to be there. Well, Josh and Hank sauntered in. I tried walkin' behind them so's no one would see me. The lady bartender leaned over the bar and looked towards us.

"You, there!" I looked around ta see who was behind me, but I was it.

"Uh, yes ma'am?" Josh stomped on my foot. "I mean, yeah?"

"What's your name?" I thought quick. I couldn't give her my real name.

"Uh, John."

"How old are you, John?"

"I'm uh, 18."

Hank took one look at me and jumped in. "He's old enough and he's got money to spend. Barkeep, give us all whiskeys."

Whiskey? I reckoned on gettin' a beer. I never drank whiskey before. Well, I never drank beer, neither, but I didn't figure that was as bad as whiskey. Visions of my pa jumped in front of me. But, I couldn't back out now. I didn't want the fellas thinkin' I was yella.

We sat at a table and the lady brought over three whiskeys. I'm not sure if the glass was dirty or if she dropped ash in it, but I thought there was somethin' in the drink. I wondered could I use that as an excuse to not drink it, but then she'd just bring me another one. Besides, Pa wasn't here, and he'd never know about one little drink. I paid the lady and sipped my drink. One little sip just about burned my throat.

Josh leaned over. "Erik, they'll never think you're old enough to drink if you sip your whiskey. Ya gotta drink it like this." He picked up his glass and threw back his drink.

That didn't look so hard, so I done the same thing. Dang if I didn't think my throat was on fire! I managed to not cough too loud, so I don't think anyone suspected. Hank downed his, then leaned back. "Barkeep, another round for me and my friends."

Well after the third round it was my turn to buy again. I hoped we wouldn't have many more 'cuz I was just about outta money. I said so to the fellas. Then I laughed. "I can't see me goin' to Pa and tellin' him I need money to pay off my bar tab!" For some reason, I thought that was just about the funniest thing I ever said.

"Yeah, Cartwright. Your Pa's just about the biggest hard-ass I ever met." That made me stop laughin'. I pushed at Josh.

"You take that back. Ain't no one gonna talk about my pa like that, even if it is true." Did I just say that?

"Aw, it is true and you know it. Your pa don't let you wipe your nose without checking with him first." Even though that was pretty much what I'd been thinkin', I wasn't gonna let Josh talk about my pa like that. I stood up.

"Take it back, I'm warnin' ya."

"Or else what? You gonna get your pa to whup me?"

I threw a punch. "Don't need my Pa!" Next thing I knew, the three of us was goin' at it. There were chairs flyin' and I heard glass breakin'. I managed to not get hit in the face, which was good. Ma wouldn't know I'd been fightin' anyway. Suddenly someone dragged Josh and Hank away from me, and I fell down on the floor. I couldn't move if the buildin' had been on fire. I stayed there a little while.

After the fight with Josh and Hank, I felt plum awful. I didn't think I could stand, let alone walk back to the boardin' house. I stood slowly and could feel the world spinnin', then I felt someone grab me under my arms. I could hear Mr. Devereaux talkin'.

"Erik, what are you doing? I do not think your father would approve." Then I could hear that lady bartender.

"Erik? He said his name was John."

"Mais non, his name is Erik Cartwright."

"Dang. I bet he ain't 18 neither!"

"Non, he is 15. He lives with his family in the boardinghouse. I will take him home. I am sure his father will be in to discuss payment for damages. Ben Cartwright is a most honorable man."

I leaned on Mr. Devereaux and he half dragged, half walked me home. Ma musta heard us comin' in 'cuz the door flew open afore we was halfway up the stairs.

"Madame, is your husband home?"

"Non, Monsieur Devereaux, he is away for a few days. Mon Dieu, Erik, what is wrong? Are you ill? Why are you not in your bed? Monsieur, if you please this way." I could feel them leading me towards bed. Then I could feel them helping me lie down. The world kept spinnin', though. I wished it would stop. I could hear them talkin' but they sounded like they was down a tunnel.

"Madame, Erik has been at the saloon. He told Shelby that his name was John and that he was 18. He drank too much and then started a fight. I told Shelby that Ben would be in to speak with her. I brought the boy home."

"Merci, Monsieur. If Erik has damaged Madmoiselle Sterritt's property, he will make right the damage."

"I know he will. I suspect the boy is taking advantage of his father's absence."

"Peut-etre. Nonetheless, his father will be most displeased, as am I."

After that I didn't hear anything else 'til Joe woke me up to do chores in the mornin'. I don't think I ever felt so bad as I did that mornin'. I could barely move to get up, and I hadta do chores on top of it. Ma musta been in her room cuz I didn't see her til I came upstairs. She didn't look real happy to see me but she didn't say nuthin'. I didn't even wanna eat, but she made me sit at the table til she and Joe were done. The whole time they were eatin' they was talkin' and laughin'. I thought I was gonna bust, I felt so sick. Ma knew it, too. I could tell by the way she kept glancin' at me.

Finally breakfast was over and Joe did the dishes. Ma called him over to her. "Mon petit Joseph, would you please take this list to Mr. Orowitz and tell him that Erik will come by later to pick up our supplies. Then you may spend the rest of the morning as you please. Be home for lunch." I thought Joe's whoop o' joy was gonna split my head. She waited until he closed the door behind him before she turned to me.

"Well, mon fils? You have something to tell me?"

I stood up to talk to her. No sense addin' disrespect to the list against me. I looked at my feet and explained what I had done.

Now Ma's a real tiny lady and most people think that 'cuz she's small that she ain't nothin' to worry about. I know for a fact that ain't true. She can be real feisty when she's riled and I could tell she was real riled when I got done talkin'.

"Your father will be most unhappy to hear this Erik and you may be sure that I am most unhappy that I must tell him."

"Yessum, I'm sorry. I truly am." I peeked up at her. "Um, Ma, do you really need to tell Pa?"

She raised her eyebrow so much like Pa that I almost looked twice. "You think perhaps that I could punish you instead?"

"Yessum, I was hopin' that." I knew I was takin' a chance on her. She can pack a fierce wallop if she makes up her mind to spank me. But I still reckoned she'd go easier than Pa. But she was shakin' her head.

"Non, Erik, not this time. This is much too grave. Your father will hear of this anyway and then he will be angry with both of us. Now you will sit here and wait for me to finish my work. Then we will go speak to Madmoiselle Sterritt."

"Yessum." Ma left me alone for a while to think. I hate thinkin' when I'm in trouble, specially when I still have to face Pa. It's a funny thing about facin' Pa. I'm not afraid of him, like some boys are afraid of their Pas. I remember some boys on the trail whose Pa would whip them over any little thing. Pa don't do that. First off, he'd rather make us do somethin' that gives us time to think about what we done wrong. He doesn't lick us unless we been disrespectful, dishonest or disobedient – the three Ds Adam calls it. But, I reckon this time I hit all the Ds. I wasn't afraid of the tannin' exactly. I mean, I wasn’t lookin' forward to it. Pa's a strong man and if he's got it in his head to punish us like that, he's gonna make it count. Mostly though I was worried about facin' him. He's gonna make me explain everything I done wrong. I'm not real good at talkin' and I get all flustered when he's lookin' at me the way he does.

"Erik, come now. You have apologies to make."

I stood up. "Yessum." Adam hates apologizin' to people. I reckon he hates to admit when he's wrong and that's what you're doin' when you apologize. I don't mind so much. Pa once told me it was the grown thing to do. I just wish I didn't do the thing I gotta apologize for. Ma was by the door. I hurried, grabbed my hat and opened the door for her. Pa's real particular about how we treat ladies and I figure I'd best go outta my way to be polite for a while. We walked down the sidewalk – I made sure to stay on the outside so's Ma wouldn't get splashed by mud – and then we crossed the street.

People turned to stare when Ma entered the saloon. I reckon they didn't figure on seein' her in such a place, but then I reckon they didn't figure I'd bust up the place, neither. Ma's a real lady, though and she didn't pay no mind to the stares. She approached the bar.

"Madmoiselle Sterritt?"

Miss Sterritt looked up from the glass she was polishin'. She was so surprised to see Ma in front of her that she almost dropped her cigar.

"Yes, ma'am, I'm Shelby."

Ma held out her hand. "I am Marie Cartwright." You gotta hand it to Ma. Most ladies wouldn't give Miss Sterritt the time o'day and here was Ma gettin' ready to shake hands.

Miss Sterritt wiped her hand on her rag and shook Ma's hand. "Pleased to meet you, Miz Cartwright." She nodded at me. "I reckon this is your boy?"

Ma nodded. "Yes, my son Erik." She turned and gestured me forward. "Erik has something to say, do you not, Erik?"

I took off my hat. "Yessum. Uh, Miss Sterritt, ma'am, I'm real sorry about the fight last night and I'll pay for the damages."

Ma cleared her throat quietly. "And what else, Erik?"

"Ma'am?" I looked at her confused, but then I realized what else she expected. "Oh." I turned to Miss Sterritt. "I'm sorry for lyin' about my name and my age, ma'am." I could feel everyone in the saloon starin' at me and I started to feel more embarrassed.

Miss Sterritt looked like she didn't know what to say. "Uh, all right then, don't do it again, hear?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Now Ma turned back to Miss Sterritt. "Madmoiselle Sterritt…"

"Shelby, ma'am. Just Shelby."

Ma smiled slightly. "Shelby, then. I, too, am sorry for my son's behavior. His father is not here right now and, well…" Ma shrugged, as though that would explain what I did. I was startin' to get mad. She was actin' like I wasn't here and she was treatin' me like a kid. I didn't say nothin' though. I knew enough to keep my mouth shut. "My husband will return tomorrow. I understand there are damages for which Erik must pay?"

"Well, Miz Cartwright…"

"Marie. Surely if I call you Shelby you must call me Marie."

Miss Sterritt smiled some. "I'd like that. Marie, your boy weren't the only one in the fight. I reckon his share of the damages is, say $15.00."

Fifteen dollars? Where was I gonna get that kind o' money? I knew Pa was gonna have to pay it and if I couldn't find a way to pay him back, he was gonna take it outta my hide.

"That is all? You may be sure you will have that tomorrow, when my husband returns. Thank you, Shelby." Ma turned to go, but suddenly looked at Shelby again. "I have two other sons. I am sure my youngest, who is 10, will not try to repeat his brother's trick and I am sure you will not think him of age. I ask that you not serve my oldest son unless his father is with him."

Shelby grinned and plunked her cigar back inta her mouth. I followed my mother out to the sidewalk. I was real mad now. Ma went outta her way to embarrass me in fronta all them men in there. They'd just think I was wet behind the ears.

Ma turned to say something to me but she raised an eyebrow at the look on my face. Dang, I wish she'd stop lookin' like Pa.

"You have something to say, mon fils?"

My anger wiped out any good sense I had left. "Yeah, yeah, I do. I'm fifteen years old and you treated me like I was younger'n Little Joe in there. I'm just about grown and now those men think I'm just a kid." Her eyes went wide at first, then narrowed as my disrespect continued. She grabbed my arm and dragged me into the nearest alleyway. She went on burn my ears with a lecture that would put Pa to shame.

When she got done lecturin', she pointed at me like Pa does when he's real aggravated. "Now you will go thank Monsieur Devereaux and apologize for your behavior. You will then go to Mr. Orowitz to pick up our supplies and you will return home. You will go to no other place, you will stop to speak to no one else. I am clear?"

I nodded. "Yessum." I did all the things she told me, but I was still kinda mad at her. I wasn't feelin' much better when I got home and she told me that except for chores and bed, I had to sit at the table doin' nothin' til Pa came home. I hate doin' nothin' more'n I hate lessons.

Joe tried to get me to tell him what happened when we went to bed that night, but I just told him ta shut up and go to sleep. I couldn't sleep much, though, cuz I knew Pa would be home tomorrow.

We had just finished breakfast when we heard footsteps on the stairs and the door burst open. Adam came in first, big grin on his face and Pa came right behind him.

"Marie, my love!" Pa swept Ma into a big hug and kiss. When he set her down again, she laughed. "I missed you, too, mon cher."

"We made good time, I didn't expect to be back until after lunch." Pa, keeping one arm around Ma, turned to Joe and me. "I missed you two boys. Did you behave yourselves?"

Joe shot a sideways look at me. "I sure did, Pa." Fortunately Pa was too busy lookin' at Ma to see the smug look on Joe's face. Pa smiled and tossed a small sack to Joe. "Gee, thanks Pa."

Now Pa was lookin' at me expectantly. When I didn't say anything, his smile faded a little. I looked down at my feet. "Erik?"

Ma jumped in before I could answer. "Adam? Monsieur Devereaux has some new horses. Perhaps you can take Joseph to see them? He is most anxious." Adam looked at her, then at me. He could tell somethin' was wrong and he pretty quick guessed he didn't wanna hang around to find out what. "Sure, Ma. C'mon, Joe." The door closed behind my two brothers and I was left alone to face Pa.

Now when Pa's in a good mood, he's got a real relaxed way o' standin'. When he gets riled, you can usually tell, even if you're lookin' at his back. When Ma started to explain what happened, I could see him start to stiffen up. 'Course, listenin' to her, it sounded bad, real bad. I was just grateful that she didn't make me do the tellin'. I think I woulda throwd up for sure if I hadta tell.

She got done tellin' and he didn’t move for a minute. When he finally looked to me, I flinched and looked away. I ain't never seen him look at me like that, and I don't think I ever care to again.

"Look at me, Erik." His voice was real quiet and he waited til I dragged my eyes up. "You have apologized to Miss Sterritt for your lies?"

I swallowed. This was gonna be real bad. "Yes sir."

"You have thanked Mr. Devereaux for his assistance and you apologized for your behavior?"

"Yes, sir." I kept my eyes on his face. I don't know how I did it, but I did.

"Have you decided how you will pay Miss Sterritt for the damages?"

I had thought about it, but I hadn't come up with any ideas. "No sir, but I'm thinkin' on it."

"You have apologized to your mother for deceiving her and for your disobedience and disrespect?"

"No, sir." My shoes were real interestin' right about then. I added hastily, "I'm plannin' to."

"Then there isn't much else to say, is there? You are excused to my room."

I could feel the tears start. I was gettin' mad at myself. I was fifteen, I was too old to cry. "Yes, sir." I hurried into his room and I closed the door real careful behind me.

Ma and Pa's room isn't big. It's just got room for the bed, the dresser, a few pegs behind the door and a trunk. I looked out the window. At least it was still daylight so most everyone in the boardin' house'll still be out. I could tell by the way Pa was talkin' that I was in for an awful time of it. I was pretty sure I knew what was happenin' in the parlor. Ma was rubbin' Pa's shoulders, whisperin' somethin' to him. I seen her do it lots of times before Pa punished Adam. Punishin' us really upsets Pa. I know cuz one time after Pa tanned Adam, I saw him sittin' on the sofa with his head restin' on his hands. Pa was sittin' there, that is. I don't expect Adam felt much like sittin' for a good long while after Pa got done with him. Anyways, Ma was handin' Pa one o' them little glasses o' brandy. I could hear 'em talkin'.

"Oh, Marie, how I hate to do that."

"I know, mon cher, but you do not hurt them to be cruel. You wish only for them to be good men when they are grown."

I moved away after that. I didn't want Pa to know I'd been eavesdroppin'.

I waited for Pa for what seemed like forever. I reckoned I was too big for a tannin' but I figured Pa didn't see it that way. I bet no other boy my age has ta worry about his Pa tannin' him. The door opened and I musta jumped a foot. Pa closed it softly behind him. He pointed to the bed. "Turn around and drop your trousers." I could hear him slidin' off his belt when I turned.

What happened next was real bad. When Pa was finished all he said was "I expect you to apologize to your mother." I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him to see me cryin'. "Yes, sir," I whispered. He waited a minute, then I could hear him leave the room. I didn't know if was I supposed ta stay in here or if I was supposed to go to my own room. I decided I'd rather be in my own bed, so I eased up my trousers and opened the door. No one was in the parlor as I crossed to our room.

I fell asleep til it was time to do afternoon chores. Adam woke me up so's I wouldn't get into more trouble. Then he followed me downstairs. I was in no mood to talk to my perfect older brother, so I just headed outside without sayin' a word. He wouldn't take the hint though.

"What on earth did you do while we were gone?"

"Mind your own business, Adam."

"When you upset the whole house, I'd say that's my business. What did you do?"

"Seems to me you did your share o' upsettin' the house, Adam, and I didn't bother you none. Leave me alone."

Adam grabbed my arm. "I'm not going to ask again. What did you do?" I was gettin' kinda tired of his attitude. Truth be told, I was gettin' tired of everyone thinkin' they could boss me around. I yanked my arm away and gave Adam a shove.

"I told ya to mind your own business."

Adam came back at me. "Don't start anything you can't finish, little brother!"

Dang. I could just feel my temper snap. I took a swing at him that felt real good when it connected with his face. He staggered back, then came back at me and landed a good one. 'Afore I knew it, we was mixin' it up like we never done before.

Next thing I knew, I was soakin' wet. Adam and me stopped fightin' and I saw Pa, empty bucket in hand, lookin' angrier than I ever seen him. Considerin' how he's been lookin' at me lately, that's sayin' something.

"What is going on here?" He was so angry he didn't even try to control his voice. They musta heard him in Hangtown!

I pointed to Adam. "He started it." Adam just stared, then shouted that he did not start the fight.

"Well, he don't mind his own business." I started to swing at him again, but Pa grabbed my arm. Dang, but he has a strong grip.

"Adam, go help your mother, please." Pa's voice was quiet, like he was talkin' through clenched teeth. He never took his eyes off me to see if Adam obeyed. Course he did, Mr. Perfect Son. Pa didn't loosen his grip on my arm. He just dragged me behind the woodshed and spun me to face him. Only then did he let go. I rubbed my arm; I was gonna have an awful bruise there to match the one Adam left on my face.

"All right, Erik. I want to know what is going on with you."

"I told you, Adam wouldn't mind his own business." I was sullen, I didn't want to talk to him, so I didn't pay attention to how I was talkin'.

He took a step towards me and I backed up til I was against the shed wall. "I didn't mean this fight, although we'll get to that in good time. You have gone out of your way this week to get into trouble and I want to know why."

"I dunno." I wouldn't look at him, but I could see his feet move closer to me 'til we was standin' toe to toe.

"Erik." His voice was low and full of dire threat.

I looked up. Pa sure was a big man. I looked down again real quick. "You treat me like a kid."

I could see Pa take a step back. "What?" I didn't look up.

"I said, you treat me like a kid. I'm fifteen years old, Pa. I'm not a kid no more."

"Look at me, Erik." I did, but I still didn't like what I saw. He was plenty angry. "What do you mean, I treat you like a kid?"

How could he not know? "You treat me just like you treat Little Joe!" Now I was getting' riled. I raised my voice and waved my arms to make my point. "You tell me when ta get up, when ta study with Ma, when ta do chores. I can't go fishin' with my friends when they go…" Somethin' in his eyes warned me to stop. He took a step closer and pointed his finger directly into my face.

"Erik, you will never be old enough to speak to me with that disrespect in your voice and attitude. Is that clear?" I hesitated and he moved even closer. Pa's real good at bein' intimidatin' when he wants to be. I nodded.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry for bein' disrespectful, sir."

"Good. Now explain calmly why you think I am treating you like a child."

I explained about Hank and Josh and how they don't have to spend time studyin' and doin' chores. He frowned the whole time.

"And you think that makes them men?"

Somethin' told me he didn't think so. "Well, their Pa don't treat them like kids."

"I haven't seen their Pa treat them like much of anything, Erik. I think you could find a better example."

"Well, when you were 15, you were on your own." To my surprise, he smiled a little.

"That's what I thought, too. I may have been out of my father's house, but I was definitely not on my own. As cabin boy, I was the lowest person on the ship and everyone, I mean everyone, could tell me what to do and when to do it. Captain Stoddard considered himself to be like my father, and I'll tell you he had a quicker hand than my father ever did, something that I thought was impossible. He didn't cut me any slack, you can be sure of that."

I was confused. All this time, I been figurin' Pa was unfair, treatin' me different than he'd been raised. I didn't know what to think.

"Erik, what do you think makes a man?"

I shrugged. "I reckon he gets to decide what he wants to do."

"So you think, if you're a man, that I should let you decide how to spend your day."

"Yes, sir, I do."

"And if I did, what would do all day?"

"I wouldn't go to school and do chores, that's for sure."

"What would you do?" Pa wasn't gonna let this go. "Would you fish all day?"

I shrugged again. "Maybe."

"Is that what you think Adam and I do all day?"

"Sir?"

"Adam and I are men. Do we spend our day fishing?"

"No, sir." I wasn't sure I liked where this conversation was goin'.

"Son, being a man means you get to make decisions, true, but a lot of times those decisions are made for you. Being a man means you have a lot of responsibility. I have a family to support, that's a tough responsibility. What would happen to your mother and brothers if I decided I'd rather go fishing?" He moved back. "Why don't you spend some time thinking about what I've said and then you come and tell me what you think it means to be a man. I'll give you a hint. It's not years."

I wanted to be alone, so I nodded. "Yes, sir, I'll do that. Pa, may I go for a walk?"

"I can trust you to stay out of trouble?" I blushed that he even had to ask the question.

"Yes, sir."

"All right, but be home by supper."

"Yes, sir." He nodded and then headed towards the house. He stopped suddenly and reached out to touch my face where Adam had hit me. "Son, I understand wanting to be a man. It wasn't so many years ago that I was 15. But you have your whole life to be a man and just a short time to be a boy. Enjoy it while you can." He smiled a little. "Erik, I may have been very angry with you this past week, but I have no doubt that someday very soon you will become a man that I'll be proud to call my son." He turned and walked into the house.

I walked for a real long time. Pa may not have said much, but he sure gave me a lot to think about. I thought about Hank and Josh and their Pa. Pa was right. I never saw Hank and Josh with their father, and when I did see their father, he was usually drunk. I reckoned they were growin' up like their pa. Then I thought about my father. He was known all around for being honest and hard working. People respected him and wanted his respect in turn. That included me.

The more I thought, the more ashamed I was, until I felt that shame spread to the tips o' my toes. Here I was wantin' Pa to treat me like a man and I was actin' like a spoiled brat. What he was tryin' to tell me was iffen I wanted to be treated like a man, I had ta act like one. Well, I was gonna, startin' now.

I stopped to see Mr. Devereaux before heading home. Adam was just comin' outside when I got to the yard. I had a lot of apologies to make and I reckoned I might as well start here.

I stopped him and he just glared at me through his swollen eye. "Don't start with me, brother, or I'll finish you but good. Pa's not out here to stop us."

"Adam, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I shouldn'a jumped you like that and I'm askin' ya to forgive me." I held out my hand. He looked at me a minute, then shook my hand.

"Yeah, well I guess you were right, I wasn't mindin' my own business too well. It's not like I never got Pa riled."

I snorted. "Ain't that the truth? Hey, Adam, could ya do me a favor? Do ya think you and Joe could clear out after supper? I gotta talk to Pa and Ma and it'll be easier if we're alone."

"Sure. I know how it is. Was he real hard on you?"

"I snuck out to the saloon, I got drunk, then I was real disrespectful to Ma. Worst tannin' of my life, and I thought I was too old for it. "

"Think again, little brother. I got my last tanning when I was 16." He laughed. "Course, I didn't sneak off to a saloon. I snuck off to a sporting house."

I just shook my head. "Well, I just got my last one today. I'm never gonna rile Pa like that again."

I didn't say much during supper. I didn't eat much neither, even though I missed lunch. After we were done cleanin' up, Adam went to see Pa.

"Pa, may Joe and I go out for a walk?" Pa looked up, saw me watchin' and said it'd be all right. Now I was alone with my parents, which was what I wanted, I reckon. I don't know why I was so nervous. Pa was sittin' in his chair, one leg restin' over the other, readin' his paper. Ma had just settled onto the sofa with her knittin'. I took a deep breath, wiped my sweaty palms on my legs and stood in front of Pa.

"Um, I'd like to talk to you, if you don't mind." Pa put down his paper. Ma picked up her knittin' and started to stand.

"I will leave you two alone."

"Um, no ma'am. I reckon you oughta hear what I got to say, too." She nodded and settled back down.

Pa gestured towards the table. "Bring over a chair and sit down, son." I looked over. Sittin' for supper was bad enough. "I'll just stand, thanks, Pa."

Ma shook her head and patted the sofa. "I will get a hurt neck looking up at you, mon fils. Sit with me." I reckoned that wouldn't be too bad, so I sat with my hands danglin' between my knees. No one said anything for a few minutes; Ma and Pa were waitin' for me.

"Um, well, I reckon I ain't been actin' like myself lately."

"Really? We hadn't noticed," Pa answered dryly. I blushed to the roots of my hair. Pa never makes apologizin' easy for any of us.

"Benjamin," Ma scolded softly.

"Um, well, what I'd like to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ma, that I skipped out last week, I'm sorry I snuck outta the house, I'm sorry I drank and I'm sorry I was disrespectful to you. Pa, I'm sorry I been behavin' so bad. It won't happen again." I took a breath.

"Why is that?" Pa was sittin' back with his head tilted like he does some times.

"Well, sir, I been thinkin' about what you said, about what makes a man a man. I reckon you're right, that it don't mean just makin' your own decisions. It means makin' decisions you can be proud of, that you know are good ones. It means plannin' for the future and someday lookin' back on your life and knowin' you done the best you could. Bein' a man means that people look up to ya, and respect ya, and it means that people can count on ya. Pa, I been thinkin' about Hank and Josh and I know I don't want ta be like them, or like their Pa. I'd rather be like you." I stopped. I think that was just about the longest I ever spoke, but it was worth it. Ma put her hand on my knee and smiled at Pa.

"Erik, you forgot one thing."

"Ma'am?"

"Being a man means admitting when you are wrong and accepting responsibility for your actions. You have done that today and I am proud of you." Funny thing, havin' Ma proud of me is just as important as havin' Pa proud of me. I looked at him shyly.

"I am very proud of you, too, son."

"Can ya forgive me then?" Ma leaned over and kissed my face where Pa had touched it earlier that afternoon. "Erik, between a parent and child, there is always forgiveness." I felt like someone took a ton o' bricks off my shoulders. I was afraid that she'd never forgive me. I shoulda knowd better.

"Pa?" There was one more thing I had to clear up. "Mr. Devereaux said he'd hire me to work in the livery two hours a day, cleanin' the stables and movin' some stuff. He'd pay me twenty-five cents an hour. I reckon I'll pay you back for the damages to Miss Sterritt in about a month, but I'd like to keep workin' afternoons, if that's all right with you."

"That won't leave much time for fishing, son." Pa was smilin' now.

"No, sir, but suddenly that don't seem so important."