Author’s Note: The following journal - an account of the Cartwright family’s trip from Independence, Missouri, to the Sierra Nevada Mountains - is representational of the many well-planned overland journeys to California in 1846. These emigrants met with the usual risks and rigors of life on the trail but they did not face the extraordinary difficulties of some other travelers on the trail that year, like the Donner Party. I used "Bonanza" tie-ins where possible but this is a "Ponderosa" story. The author begs forgiveness for any errors, either historical or hysterical.

Thank you to Mr. Dortort who created the Cartwrights and the Ponderosa and shared them. And thank you to Ms. Sullivan who gave them new life. This story is purely for entertainment and is not intended to infringe on their rights or the rights of anyone else involved in these marvelous shows

Benjamin Cartwright family

Missouri to Mexican Territory

1 May 1846

Near Independence, Missouri

According to our youngest son, Joseph, the fact that we are beginning our journey to California is just about the most exciting thing to ever happen in his whole entire life. When I asked him what might be the most exciting thing to ever happen in his whole entire life he was quiet for a moment. His lack of chatter did not escape the attention of his two older brothers. They looked at me quizzically. Adam asked if Joe was all right. Erik said that now he had seen everything. Well, heard everything. Well, actually, heard nothing but what he meant was he couldn’t believe he wasn’t hearing Joe. Not that there was anything to hear because Joe wasn’t talking. I held up my hand to stop Erik’s rambling, and thankfully Joseph spoke again. He said that he reckoned probably the most exciting thing to ever happen in his whole entire life was being borned. But he didn’t remember much about it. His mother assured him that she remembered enough about the event for both of them.

I have not conducted a scientific study to confirm my suspicion but it seems to me that we have the three most exuberant youngsters encamped for miles around Independence. I have taken daily rides to other camps, hoping to locate the Teagues and the Millers, and have noted that the majority of the boys are quiet when they are near adults. Marie’s and my sons are less inhibited. They are not only into mischief when they do not realize their parents’ eyes are on them, when they are near the wagon they run, jump, shout, wrestle, challenge each other to tests of strength, tease, toss, and hit. That last behavior is best limited to good-natured slaps and punches, on the offhand chance they are forced to endure their least favorite activity: sitting still.

An unbridled exuberance on the part of several of its occupants, and a generalized lack of exuberance for the law, are the reasons I chose to camp here and not closer to Independence or the port.

New Orleans was a busy town, and certain areas of it did not cower in awe of the legal system, but Independence is overcrowded and evokes an overwhelming feeling of transience. It is impossible to walk the streets and not be assailed by the bark, cackle, lowing, and neighing of animals. People shout, hammers clang in blacksmith shops, crate after crate of goods thump as they are delivered in front of the stores, music spills out of dingy establishments, and the deep roar of the steamboat pipes weaves through it all. And at every turn there are people milling about, buying wagons, loading wagons, and learning how to drive wagons.

The lure of such an exciting place proved too much for the boys the day after we camped. Early that morning, Adam asked if his brothers and he might fish in the river. After the customary warnings about not swimming because of treacherous currents and being sure to take care of one another, their mother gave her permission. Much to their surprise, I bumped into them near the town’s bustling courthouse square. Adam shifted around and claimed they had lost their sense of direction and were looking for our camp. Erik held out his arms and asked please, couldn’t they just walk around town a little longer? Joseph maintained he had gone far too long without candy and he intended to get some no matter what I said. When Adam and Erik said, "Ooooh" in unison, Joseph quickly added that he sure would appreciate my permission. I informed them that I was not about to reward poor behavior and that they had better be at camp when I returned. They were.

Their mother and I didn’t give our sons permission to leave camp for several days and when we were satisfied that they had learned their lesson, I allowed the boys to accompany me into town. That evening, I leaned back against a wagon wheel and enjoyed every moment as they recounted the day’s adventure to a wide-eyed Marie.

My wife has a knack for making people feel that whatever they are telling her is the most important thing on Earth. She listens with hawk-like attention, her face dances from one expression to the next, and more than once she will say, "Is this so?" Naturally the boys respond to her encouragement by sharing every bit of news they can think of; and when they have no news they are perfectly willing to invent some.

Marie also has an unintentional knack for causing people to frown and look at me for an explanation of what she just said. I never considered her Creole accent an obstacle to communication until we camped among people who are generally from north and east of here. Apparently they aren’t accustomed to the Creole way of speaking. I derive a perverse enjoyment out of watching their faces when she introduces our sons. The Cartwright part of their name seems to be easy enough to understand. It’s when she says their first names: Uh-dum, Air-eek, and Jo-sef. Our youngest son has asked me more than once why so many folks think his oldest brother is dumb.

My lovely wife is also excellent at keeping life interesting. Like the other day when she stepped from the wagon and the boys and I got a clear view of her shoes and a good ten inches of her stockings. Knowing that many people consider the word offensive, my sons have trouble enough saying the word "legs" when referring to a woman’s lower limb much less seeing that much of one. She stood in front of us with her hands on her hips and tilted her head back, demanding to know if there was something amiss. Erik volunteered that she seemed to be amissing the bottom of her skirt. Joe’s mouth was almost as wide open as Adam’s eyes. I didn’t speak because I was busy admiring the view.

She straightened her back and shoulders and informed us that she had spoken to many of these women who have traveled across the many of the states to be here in Missouri, only she pronounces it "misery," and they have all told her that the long skirts they are completely impractical when one travels the trail. And so, she concluded, she will wear her skirt not so long, she will wear it short like the skirts she wears to wash the clothes, and she will not be so much of the hazard as we travel. I told her that was a matter of opinion. She told me I was impossible. I picked her up and planted a kiss on her forehead. She slapped my chest and said to restore her to her feet maintenant. I did no such thing. I pointed out that she was immensely lucky to be married to a man who understood the need for shorter skirts, that she was fortunate indeed to have such a forward thinking husband. To which she replied she was not in the least impressed by this pillar of humility called Benjamin and would I please restore her to her feet before the biscuits burned. She also knows how to put a man in his place with a minimum of words.

We would be underway by now if I had not received a letter from John while we were guests at the home of James Rousseaux, Daphne de Ville’s brother. We are scheduled to meet two families that he knows who are traveling to California this year. One of the men, Zeke Teague, is acquainted with a man named Josiah Billings. Billings has traveled to California several times and has contracted to guide the Teagues and Millers on the overland trail. Hiram Teague sent a note with John’s letter informing me that we were welcome to join their group. The fact that Teague has no inclination to be involved in one of the large companies indicates his common sense. Most of the experienced guides with whom I have spoken agree that a smaller party has a greater chance of avoiding conflicts between members. In addition I have been told that newspaper accounts have sensationalized, and often fabricated, stories of possible trouble from Indians and there is no longer need of large groups for safety. I am not sure how much I believe that last assertion. The Indians I encountered beyond the South Fork of the Platte were skilled warriors.

When the Millers and Teagues arrive, our party will consist of:

Hiram and Rebecca Teague.

Their son Zeke and his wife Becky; their children Ruth and Sarah.

Another son Sam and his wife Martha; their son Micah

Dr. Marcus Miller and his wife Ada; their children John and Annie.

Nathan Miller, brother of Dr. Miller, and his wife Mary; their sons Jefferson and Lincoln.

Myself, my wife Marie; our sons Adam, Erik, and Joseph.

Our guide, Josiah Billings, and his brother, Sam.

The total count is ten men including Adam who is seventeen and John Miller who is nineteen; six women; and eight children. Total number in party: twenty-four.

2 May 1846

Remaining encamped

Josiah Billings rode up to our wagons this morning inquiring if I might be Dr. Miller. When I informed him I was not, but that I planned to travel with the Millers and Teagues, he stepped from his saddle and shook my hand with a strong grip as he looked me square in the eye. After I introduced him to the family, he asked if Adam, he, and I might divide the camps and look for the Teagues and Millers. Adam fought hard to contain his excitement and instead looked to me for permission. When I nodded, he ran to saddle the horses.

I judge Billings to be about my age. He is a tall, heavy-set man with lighter hair than Erik’s and an ample beard of the same color. His voice is deep and carries an amazing distance without any seeming effort on his part. He has skin the color of medium tan leather; he wears buckskin pants and a loose-fitting shirt which is belted over the waist of his pants. A pistol is wedged between his shirt and belt. As with everyone here, he wears a broad brimmed felt hat. Billings has the air of a man who is sure of himself and finds no reason to convince others of his abilities.

The encampments of people planning to take to the trail stretch for miles east and south of town. I have yet to visit them all and new ones appear each day. I cautioned Adam to return to the wagon before late afternoon and then he put Beauty into a gallop toward the east. I took the southeast bearing while Billings headed due south. By the end of the day we had contacted most camps and left word for the Teagues and Millers.

Billings asked if I was interested in hiring a driver for our second wagon. His cousin, Jeffrey, wishes to go to California but does not have sufficient funds. Billings said his cousin would drive the second team and that Billings and his brother, Sam, would be responsible for their cousin’s upkeep. I considered the proposition, and the fact that it would make the trail less strenuous for the boys, and discussed the possibility with Marie. She agreed that it profited both Billings’ cousin and our family so I rode into Independence this evening to speak with Jeffrey. The young man, who looks to be in his mid-twenties, stuck me as trustworthy and willing to work. Jeffrey was willing to sign an agreement and assured me I would not regret my decision.

4 May 1846

Remaining encamped

Zeke Teague and John Miller rode into our camp this morning. Zeke is well-acquainted with Billings. I informed him that Billings and I planned to meet in town at noon and Zeke rode to bring the other men to our camp so we might ride to town together.

Zeke is tall and slender, brown hair, brown eyes, and an easy smile. He walks as if he may have served in the military.

John Miller doesn’t look much older than Adam although Hiram Teague’s note stated John’s age as nineteen. He is of medium height with steady dark eyes and thick dark hair that falls over his shirt collar. He was courteous and respectful and stayed for breakfast, getting acquainted with Adam, Erik, and Joseph. By the time Zeke returned with the other men, John and Adam were talking in earnest as Erik and Joseph listened in rapt silence. John’s account of his travel to Independence must have been filled with adventure if it held Joseph’s undivided attention.

John’s father allowed John to attend our meeting with Billings so I invited Adam. As we rode into town, I turned in my saddle several times to see Adam and John riding tandem at the end of the line as they talked and waved their arms for emphasis.

Adam was quiet during the meeting but he assailed me with questions during the ride back to camp. I explained to him that according to Billings it is imperative that we work out rules of conduct as well as regulations and then have each man sign the document. In addition, we agreed upon common tasks such as guard duty, scouting, and hunting as well as who in our families would be expected to participate in those tasks. There was the necessary discussion regarding the disposal of the possessions of any one who dies en route; and another agreement regarding the care of a family left without a provider. We recorded a chain of command, though Billings did not call it such. I found myself in the unenviable position of being second to Billings based solely on the fact that John had told the Millers and Teagues of my duties at sea. They judged that such experience and skills, as well as an understanding of how to lead, qualified me for the questionable honor. I jokingly told them that it is all I can do to control three sons - I was not at all sure I could be second to the leader of our company. Everyone except Sam Teague laughed but I had already discerned that Sam is a man of gloomy temperament. Our final decision was to leave Independence on Thursday, May 7, at seven in the morning. Adam raced ahead of me to share that last bit of news with his brothers.

8 May 1846

On Santa Fe Trail

We will follow the Santa Fe Trail from Independence for approximately fifty miles. At that point the trails fork. Bear left and the trail leads to Santa Fe and Mexico. Bear right and the trail heads toward Oregon, with a fork toward California.

Given all the time the Millers and Teagues spent on the trail to Independence, I am surprised that some of their children are not more disciplined regarding their duties. During our layover at James Rousseaux’s, the boys were none too happy with me because I had them busy at chores. Nonetheless, the extra work was good training for the hard life on the trail. They are physically stronger than they were when we left New Orleans and they are aware that they can perform many more tasks than they had thought possible. Adam has, with a few stellar exceptions, always been an obedient son and has learned to ask questions only after an order has been carried out. Erik and Joe are learning. Adam assures me that his brothers eventually will not roll their eyes at me or make excuses if I’m as firm with them as I was with him. This from the young man who still rolls his eyes when he thinks I’m not watching.

Marie and I occupied the early evening with re-packing some items which had worked loose from their moorings in the wagons. This business of carrying along enough provisions for more than four months reminds me of when I had to lay in supplies for sea voyages. We have the regular tools - hammer, chisels, anvil, shovel, axe, and so on - extra rope and chain, Marie’s cooking utensils, extra clothing, bedding, books, a large cage for the chickens, water barrels, and then the foodstuffs. The poundage of staple items which include, but certainly are not limited to, flour, coffee, sugar, rice, tea, and baking powder are in addition to Marie’s required vinegar, dried fruit, smoked meat, spices, and dried herbs. When we were stowing the supplies this evening I even came across pickles. She told me I would be glad to have them in a month. I decided she did not tell me what tools and munitions to bring so I would not comment on her culinary needs.

It is no small accomplishment to balance the need to freight all our necessities along the trail and yet use as light a wagon as possible for the sake of the oxen who will pull it. Too light a wagon may be poorly constructed and will fall apart on the trail. Too heavy a wagon necessitates more yoke of oxen. And as any man who has driven a wagon knows, the more oxen and the larger the wagon the more turning space is required. From what I hear there are narrow and sharp turns along the trail that will be difficult with a few yoke of oxen and would be impossible to negotiate with a large team. Hiram Teague questioned my use of two wagons. I informed him that I did not wish to have more than 1800 pounds to the wagon. He said he thought the wagon could hold twice that much. Billings smiled at me, waiting for my response to Teague. I said that Hiram was entitled to his opinion but that I am interested in not losing oxen because of too hard a pull. When Hiram walked away, Billings predicted that a third of the possessions in Hiram’s wagon would be left along the trail before we reached Fort Laramie.

I am grateful that Marie and the boys understood the need to bring as few possessions with us as possible. And I think, after re-packing the wagon, Marie is, too.

9 May 1846

Rolling prairie, good soil, springs

Today a group of wagons belonging to the Davis family pulled up behind us during our noon stop. They had planned to join a company in Independence but arrived several days after the company had left. Matthew Davis, the oldest of the four brothers, requested that his group be allowed to join our party. We held our first vote out of the Davis’ earshot. I try not to judge men quickly but in my opinion a man who can not meet at a prearranged time, barring unforeseen delays, exhibits a lack of discipline. Jeffrey’s and mine were the only dissenting votes. The Davis families have joined us.

The four brothers’ names are easy enough to recall: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Each is married. Matthew’s wife is Addie. They appear to be perhaps ten years my senior. Mark’s wife is Frances and the couple has four sons: Butler, who is near Erik’s age; Morgan; Issac; and Jeremiah who is Joseph’s age. Luke’s wife is Elizabeth. Their children are William, James, and a daughter named Tennessee. Finally there is John Davis’ family: his wife Louise, his son Hector, and his daughters Frances and Mary.

When we left Independence, Adam made note that there are no young ladies near his age among our group. I remained silent and he muttered not that it mattered much, he’d be too tired for such frivolous pursuits. I’m certain his last observation was for my benefit because I have yet to meet a young man his age who is not at least occasionally interested in young ladies.

10 May 1846

Sunday

Prairie; ash, oak, and walnut along creek banks

We started out a little later than usual to allow each family time for worship and then the stillness was broken by the clamor of breaking camp. Joseph walked around for nearly an hour with his hands over his ears as yokes were set, chains rattled, whips popped, and more than a few of the men indulged in cursing. Apparently they are not concerned about that behavior even on the Lord’s Day.

I see signs of homesickness in a few of our party. When I remarked on this at dinnertime, Joseph asked what homesickness was. I explained and he eyed me as if I had concocted an unbelievable story. He climbed into my lap as soon as I had put down my plate and said he didn’t understand. Why would someone not be excited about seeing a different place? Marie said that sometimes people do not wish to leave their homes. Erik asked why they left if they didn’t want to. And Adam said not every family is like ours. Joe frowned and asked his older brother what he meant by that. Adam said that all of us want to go to California. But sometimes there is someone in a family who does not wish to make the journey. The solution to that problem was easy enough as Joe saw it. He said the person who did not want to leave home should stay behind. Adam asked what if the people with differing opinions were a husband and wife. Joe thought about the question and came up with the opinion that if a husband and wife didn’t agree on something like that then they’d do a whole lot better to get themselves a different wife or husband. Erik said he was sure glad that Ma and Pa weren’t fussing over something like that. I told him that I was, too.

12 May 1846

Near the Kansas

If I ever dared believe our decision to travel to California is unique, I was dissuaded of that idea today. As we approach the Kansas River we can see wagons ahead of us. I stopped counting them when I reached 40. Billings said he rode behind us a distance and more wagons are there. He has urged us to consider driving a bit harder, swinging slightly off the established trail, and then rejoining the trail when we have passed a number of wagons. Going more to the lead will cause us to have less concerns about water, grass, and game. We agreed. But as events unfolded, we have no need to swing away from the trail. The party ahead of us has allowed their stock to wander and will spend the day remedying that situation.

One of the things Josiah told me when we were camped outside Independence was to plan to take half again as much stock as I thought we might need. There are stretches of the trail where the weaker animals will not survive and we must be ready to replace them. Josiah said the entire process would be easier if a person could determine three or four months ahead of time which animals might lose strength.

It is difficult to look at our oxen and horses and imagine any of them unhealthy. Erik tends them with unflagging devotion. He and Joseph have named all of the oxen and are particularly fond of Barnaby and Bill. Adam’s horse, Beauty, is solid and has a mild temperament. Even Adam was surprised at how calm she was when we took the riverboat to the port near Independence. Our other horse is Erik’s devoted and docile Karly. The fact that both horses are good-natured does not mean they are opposed to racing. Beauty and Karly seem to enjoy those runs even more than Adam and Erik. I have enjoyed riding Josiah’s second horse, Ginger. She is almost as stocky as a draft horse but is surprisingly agile. When we arrive in California I may see what kind of deal Josiah and I can strike for Ginger.

When the boys were learning how to handle the oxen, Marie was hesitant to get too near the animals because of their size. I stopped in my tracks when I walked up alongside the second wagon this afternoon and saw Jeffrey teaching Marie how to drive the teams. He had not gone so far as to give her complete control, and certainly not the whip. She was silently mouthing his calls to the animals as she attempted to learn them. Joseph does the same thing. I am always assured that he is paying attention when I see his lips moving in silent repetition of what I have told him.

Light rain tonight.

13 May 1846

The Kansas

After they expressed their excitement about ferrying across the Kansas, the boys settled down and behaved as if they have ferried across a river every day of their lives. They obeyed each of my instructions, worked with Jeffrey when he required their help, were incredibly solicitous of their mother’s welfare - much to her amusement - and were eager to help anyone who looked even remotely like they were in need of expert assistance. Joseph requested that he be allowed to perform the adult job of paying the ferryman, with my money of course. Marie and I enjoyed watching the boys display their skill with animals and their knowledge of wagons, in addition to their understanding of river currents. I overheard Joseph explaining to his friend Micah Teague why the ferry started at one point on the riverbank but did not go straight across the water to the opposite bank. Adam masterfully advised John Miller about the best way to swim the horses and stock across the river. Our eldest son was imparting with great authority information I had told him moments before when he had asked permission to swim Beauty across the Kansas.

Adam has learned a great deal about how to acceptably express himself this past year. I knew that he did not agree with my decision to layover at James Rousseaux’s farm after we had traveled from New Orleans. If he had approached me politely, I would have explained my reasons to him. But he was sixteen years old and was convinced beyond a doubt that he was more intelligent than his unenlightened father.

One afternoon when we were repairing an axe, he grabbed my arm and said I owed him an explanation and he wanted to hear it immediately. Before I could warn him about his poor behavior, he went into a tirade. I had been promising him for as long as he could remember that we would go to California. But every time he believed me, every time he thought I would keep my word, I lied to him again. I never intended to go to California and he knew it. I didn’t care that I broke promises to him as easily as I breathed. If I didn’t keep my promises to him then he didn’t owe me obedience and he darn sure didn’t owe me any respect. I was a liar and he was leaving tomorrow and he would find his own way to Independence and to California and I could rot in Hades.

I had only one way to get his attention. I took off my belt and in his anger he yelled at me to go ahead, tan him, and see if he cared.

He had been unflinchingly discourteous when he had told me what he thought about my decision. If he had the mistaken belief that he would ever be old enough to speak to me with disrespect he was soon dissuaded of that opinion. I gave him as rough a dressing down as I have ever delivered.

My eldest son backed away from me in stunned silence after the reproach and never once glanced at the unused belt in my right hand. He didn’t take his eyes off my face until he was yards away from me. For more than a day he was wary in my presence and we did not speak to each other. On the second day, he apologized for his behavior. I suggested that we take a walk in the early evening light and asked him if he would like to know why I had decided not to proceed to Independence. He answered, "I would appreciate that, yes." So we walked and I explained my reasoning. He listened and then said he wished I had told him my reasons earlier. I said I would have if he had broached the subject with proper respect. Adam kicked his boot toe in the dirt and smiled very slowly. Then he said, "I know that now, Pa." He still questions and argues, but he has the good sense to stick to the subject and support his opinion with facts.

This afternoon when he had safely crossed the river on Beauty, he looked around until he saw me. I acknowledged his accomplishment with a smile and he sketched a salute. Then he immediately turned his attention to helping the others drive their wagons off the ferry. We did not lose a person or a belonging in this our first river crossing.

14 May 1846

One day beyond the Kansas

Had a cold rain and consequently a cold dinner.

Tonight I reread several of the most recent letters from my friend, John Sutter, and then gave them to Adam to study. He shared them with Jeffrey.

Sutter’s advice regarding what trail to follow and what supplies to carry and to use oxen instead of horses or mules to pull the wagon - in addition to countless other observations - is invaluable. His recommendations are based on the experiences of people he has met in and around Yerba Buena and his own settlement closer to the Sierra Mountains. John advised me not to strike out until a party established a wagon route across the mountains. His letter, which reached me in late ‘45, was the first reliable news I received about the Stevens Party of ‘44 being the first group to cross the Sierras with wagons. But along with the good news came an adamant warning that it would be best to be completely through the pass before mid-October. I mentioned this to Billings and he agreed. He has seen snow fifteen feet deep in that area and heard of it reaching twenty feet deep. In his letter Sutter acknowledged that to complete such a trip before the first snow would require a hard drive and a disciplined approach.

15 May 1846

Second day beyond Kansas

We have made excellent time. There is no excuse to do otherwise because we have a good road and pleasant weather.

I found it necessary to correct two out of three Cartwright sons’ attitudes last night. Erik and Joseph were much more respectful of their mother today.

I do not excuse their poor behavior but I am certain what prompted it. Our sons have been in the company of several of the Davis children these past days. The adults among the Davis families lack the discipline required to be ready to pull out at the agreed-upon hour in the morning. The men perform a minimum amount of work and are not maintaining the wagon equipment as required. Billings must remind them several times to do the most basic chore, such as to grease the wheels - a duty I need not remind Erik to perform. The Davis children are then, understandably, themselves undisciplined. They are also ill-behaved and disrespectful.

The first time we were witness to Hector, who looks to be a year or two older than Erik, being disrespectful toward his father, Adam looked to me for my reaction. He found it to be exactly what he had expected. From that time on, Adam has studiously avoided any unnecessary contact with any of the Davis family. Erik and Joseph watched Hector with their arms folded across their chests and studied the scene with quiet attention. After that incident, their mother and I found Erik and Joseph, more than once, with Butler, William, James, and Issac Davis and noted a deterioration in our sons’ behavior.

Last night, Erik and Joseph decided to share some of the poor behavior they had observed in the Davis boys. They did not get very far in their performance. Instead, they accompanied me some distance from the wagon train. We had a talk about being respectful of their mother and then a judicious amount of applied punishment, after which they apologized to Marie. I advised them to find other friends and today they seemed to be heeding my counsel.

Adam returned to camp this evening and took me aside to tell me he had seen Indians. We shared the news with Billings, who is of the opinion that they are no threat. He said the Indians in this area are friendly and if we have any trouble it will be west of Fort Laramie. While I trust the man’s judgment, Adam and I will draw our own conclusions about any approaching Indian’s intentions.

16 May 1846

Approaching Vermillion on way to Blue

Joseph and Micah have become best of friends in that quick, unquestioning way of childhood. Sam’s and Martha’s son enjoys Joseph’s carefree approach to life and is especially fond of the way our sons tease one another. Joseph is particularly taken with Micah’s way of replacing unacceptable words with "molly." In the past few days our son has asked his brothers what the molly they were thinking, who the molly said that, where the molly were they going now, and why the molly couldn’t he go, too? Marie assures me that Joseph will use the word less often as it is less new to him. I hope to molly she’s right.

Our youngest son is having trouble deciding if he wants to be big like his brothers or sleep in the wagon. He starts every evening lying on the bedding near the campfire, nestled between Adam and Erik. But as the darkness grows so does his imagination. And the moment he discerns that his brothers are asleep, and no longer protecting him, he makes for the wagon. He clamors into it with a blanket wrapped around him, offering the explanation that he is cold, and plops himself down on the floor. Adam and Erik sleep under the stars; Joseph seems to prefer canvas.

17 May 1846

Toward the Blue River

Scarce timber

Erik told me today that he has decided he likes the prairie. I said I was relieved to hear that because there is a lot of it.

He reached his conclusion after several days of examining and plucking every grass and flower he doesn’t recognize. He walks up beside me and asks me what his latest discovery is called. Sometimes I can give him a knowledgeable answer but more often than not I suggest that he ask his mother. In short time he is back at my side informing me that his mother told him that Pa is the expert about the trail.

After a few days of this treatment, he told me he figured he’d talk to some of the other folks. Maybe one of them could help him out. So he spent the time before sundown visiting the different camps in search of knowledge. This evening he sat Marie and me down and conducted a botany class. When he had concluded the lecture he asked if we had any questions. We assured him that we did not. Then, to Marie’s and my great amusement, Erik turned toward his older brother and asked Adam if he had understood everything. Adam found himself in the unusual position of having something explained to him by Erik instead of the other way around. His left eyebrow rose and he said in a clipped, lowered voice that yes, he understood perfectly, thank you. Erik nodded with satisfaction and then asked me to place his latest finds at the back of the journal so they will be pressed and he can study them more when we reach California.

18 May 1846

High prairie; creek banks have cottonwood

We have crossed several creeks and branches during these past few days. So many that the boys consider themselves even more the experts than they did when we ferried across the Kansas. As if it is not enough that I have to watch them to be certain they are not injured now Marie’s adventurous streak is growing wider. During one crossing I heard the boys shouting. Jeffrey and I returned to the creekbank expecting to see some disaster. Instead, the boys were standing on the west bank and shouting encouragement to their mother - who was swimming Karly across from the east bank and enjoying every moment of the experience. When she dismounted and saw my reaction to her escapade she tossed her head and told me not to be such a sport spoil. I counted to twenty, found I was still prepared to say something I would undoubtedly regret, and returned to the wagons.

The sight of moving water animates my sons. Traveling on it only adds to their bliss. When we boarded the steamboat bound for Independence, Adam did his best to appear uninterested. He had, after all, had the experience of being aboard a riverboat from New Orleans to Natchez and back to New Orleans some years ago. He was as miserable at his charade of boredom as he is miserable at telling a lie.

Erik and Joseph made no attempt to hide their delight. They ran about the decks, assailed anyone who would listen to their questions, endlessly offered to help the boatmen with tasks, inspected the construction of the rails and steps, and would have ventured too near to the steam pipes rising above the upper deck if Adam had not stopped them. I promised them that if they did not stay where their mother or I could see them they would spend the remainder of the trip sitting on a bench during their waking hours. They were sorely tempted to disobey at times but a look from their mother or me was all the reminder they required. The only time Erik was not boisterous was when he checked on Karly and Beauty. He never expressed any worry about what might happen to us if there was an accident but he was worried about the tethered horses. Adam assured him that in the unlikely event that the boat exploded, everything, including us and the horses, would scatter into a hundred pieces. I shot Adam a look but he was not the least bit contrite.

Persuading Marie to travel aboard a steamboat is one of my life’s greatest accomplishments. She had heard far too many stories about accidents and explosions and was convinced we were testing the Lord by participating in such a folly. People had legs and horses, she maintained, what need did they have to travel up the river on such a loud boat? I reminded her that, as a child, she had sailed across the ocean. She said that yes, this was true, but she did not remember the voyage. Besides, she added, there was none of the loud noise and the chance of breaking into fire. I chose not to ask her how she knew there had been no loud noise if she did not remember the journey. Instead, I listed a dozen or so dangers I had experienced in sea travel before she raised her hand and told me to stop. She said she would agree to this ridiculous proposal of her husband if he would agree that if she decided she did not like this boat of steam we would take to the land again. I agreed. I neglected to point out to her that there is not much of any place to take to the land once you’re aboard the boat. She noted our inability to make landfall, though. My sweet wife accused me of engaging in the "rouge." I asked her to repeat what she had said. She said I had engaged in the "rouge." Adam humbly suggested she meant "ruse." Marie demanded to know why Adam should think she would speak about flowers when she was speaking of deception. My son and I frowned at each other. Finally we determined she thought a "ruse" was a "rose." Neither of us corrected the misconception. We have both learned that she does not take to redirection any better than Joseph does. And, as Adam whispered to me, a ruse by any other name would still smell.

19 May 1846

Toward the Blue

High land

There are people who put more thought into a trip across town than they do into an overland trip to California. Elizabeth and Louise Davis are two of them. They insist on taking along clocks and chairs and framed artwork and a horsehair settee and, of all the asinine things, a dining table and sideboard. The sideboard, Marie informed me, is from Philadelphia and is a family heirloom. Then she added that, oh yes, Addie Davis brought along a spinning wheel and small loom. Then Marie remembered that Louise Davis has a highboy in her wagon. I exploded into expressions of disbelief. Erik wanted to know why they kept the boy in the wagon and wouldn’t let him out. Adam explained that a highboy is a piece of furniture that is like a chest set on tall legs. Erik asked his mother how the Davises got something that tall inside the wagon. Marie replied that it is in two pieces, meaning the top and the base. Joseph observed that it seemed to him that if something was busted in two it wasn’t worth hauling all the way to California.

It is raining again today. Billings, Zeke Teague, Sam, Jeffrey, and I have shared concerns that the Blue may be rising and we may find crossing it inadvisable for a few days. We have agreed that if we can ford it when we arrive we will do so right away and camp on the opposite bank and thus not find ourselves waiting out the river for days on the near bank.

20 May 1846

Opposite bank of Blue

As we feared, the Blue is rising quickly. By the time the last wagon forded the water, the first wagons had moved camp farther away from the river to avoid any chance of being flooded. We have had no rain today but upstream there apparently has been plenty. Erik and Joseph said they would like to go swimming. Their mother dissuaded them of that idea and gave them extra chores to occupy their time.

During dinner, Erik told us that he had seen a small deer far to our northwest this afternoon. After consultation, Adam and he decided it had been an antelope. Joseph, who had only been half-listening, asked what kind of ant it was.

Adam informed his little brother that it was an ant-e-lope. Joseph said, "I know that, Adam. So what kind of ant is it?"

Marie and I closed our eyes because we knew the teasing was about to begin in earnest.

"Well, brother," Adam said. "It’s called an antelope because it lopes like a horse."

Erik frowned and said, "Adam, it ain’t no - "

"And," Adam interrupted. He gave Erik the brother look. Erik realized they were about to have fun. "Because these ants can lope they can travel more than twenty miles a day."

Joseph squinted his eyes and said there was no way anything except a horse could travel more than twenty miles a day. He has trouble with math and doesn’t understand that our oxen can make twenty miles a day given good conditions.

"But see," Erik said, "that’s how come they’re called antelopes. They lope like a horse and they can go way more than twenty miles a day. And they’re real strong, too."

"They sure are," Adam agreed. "I’ve heard that if you can catch a couple they can pull as heavy a load as four oxen."

"That’s dumb," Joseph announced. "Ain’t no ant that strong."

Adam added just enough fact to make the tale believable. He put down his dinner plate and leaned closer to Joseph. "Remember when we were at Mr. Rousseaux’s and we found that ant mound?"

Joseph eyed his big brother with suspicion. "I ‘member."

"Remember how those ants carried those bread crumbs we gave them?"

"Yeah," Erik added. "Remember how them crumbs were a whole lot bigger than them ants and we were all saying that if we were that strong we’d be able to carry a horse or something."

Joseph still didn’t believe them. "I ‘member that, too."

Adam lowered his voice. "If those little ants could carry a crumb, then just think how strong a big ant would be."

Joseph fell smack into the center of Adam’s web. He leaned toward Adam. Erik leaned forward and I was concerned they would bump heads. "So," Joseph almost whispered, "how big are these antelopes?"

Adam and Erik raised their eyebrows at each other. "Oh, I’d say - " Adam deferred to Erik. "How big was the one you saw?"

"Size of a small deer," Erik said with his eyes wide for emphasis.

Marie lowered her head. She was fighting laughter with every ounce of her strength. I rubbed my forehead and poured another cup of coffee.

"A ant the size of a deer!" Joseph yelped.

Adam nodded solemnly. "So, if a little ant can carry a big, huge, tremendous bread crumb - " He paused for emphasis. "You’re smart, Joe. You can imagine how strong an ant the size of a small deer would be."

Joseph leaned back. "And two of them is as strong as four oxes?"

Erik and Adam said antelope were at least that strong, maybe stronger.

My misled youngest son jumped to his feet. "Let’s go catch some!"

Erik sighed deeply. "That’s just it, Joe. They’re so durn fast nobody’s been able to catch one."

Joseph might be gullible but he is not a fool. He put his hands on the sides of his hips and twisted his mouth. "If nobody’s ever caught any of these here antelope then how the molly do ya know how strong they are?"

Adam has been weaving stories for his younger brothers for a long, long time. He didn’t even blink. "It’s math, Joe. You figure out how strong the little ant is considering his weight and the weight of the crumb. Then you guess the weight of an ant the size of a small deer and you can figure out the weight that he can carry."

I thought Joseph was convinced. And he was in a way. He didn’t challenge that there were ants as big as a small deer but he wanted to know how anybody could weigh a little old ant. Adam was ready for him again.

"With a scale," he answered.

"No scale’s gonna weigh a ant," Joseph muttered.

"Of course a scale can weigh an ant," Adam maintained.

"What kinda scale?" Erik asked.

Adam shrugged. "A small one."

Joseph joined forces with Erik. "There’s no such thing as a small scale."

"Sure there is, brother." Adam extended a hand toward me. "Pa will tell you. Jewelers have scales that can measure the weight of pieces of gold."

My sons looked to me. I told them that, yes, there were such scales. I did not say they could determine the weight of an ant.

Joe walked to me and leaned his hands on my knees. "Is that right, Pa? Ants are real strong?"

I told him that yes, ants are strong. I saw something spark in his eyes and I should have kept a closer watch on him. But I didn’t.

When I heard Joe get up in the night, I assumed he was heading to a private area to relieve himself. But he didn’t return. And he didn’t return. I left our campsite as quietly as I could and struck out toward the area where I expected to find him. He wasn’t there. Luckily there was enough moonlight for me to see the back of a youngster plodding away from the wagon circle. I didn’t want to yell and wake up the camp so I ran toward him.

Instead of turning to see who was behind him, Joseph screamed and ran away from me. Hiram Teague and Nathan Miller were standing night guard. Hiram shot his rifle toward Joe. Nathan shot his rifle at me. Thank heavens that both of them grew up in a town and are not marksmen. I finally caught my son around the waist and we fell to the grass. We landed where the cattle had grazed earlier in the evening. The cattle had passed on what they had eaten. I landed in it.

I clamped my hand over Joseph’s screaming mouth, identified myself, and asked him what in the name of Zeus he was doing. When I removed my hand he informed me that he was running away from the bear or the Indian or the pirate or whatever it was that was chasing him and did I see it and did I scare it away. Then he sat up and said, "Pa, you smell terrible."

I heard Hiram and Nathan reloading their rifles. I yelled at them not to shoot. Sooner or later they were bound to hit something. They asked what I was doing and didn’t I realize I could scatter the cattle making all that noise. I started to remind them that cattle aren’t fond of rifle reports, either, but I stopped myself.

I pulled Joseph to his feet, slapped his behind, and asked him why he had been walking away from camp. He held up his right hand - he was busy rubbing his behind with his left hand - and showed me a coil of rope. I asked him what in blazes he had a rope for. He said not to yell, that it would spook the cattle. I turned him for another swat but he twisted around to avoid my hand and quickly said he was going to rope an antelope.

An antelope! I told him nobody can rope an antelope. They’re too fast. He said he bet he could, not a real bet just a bet bet, and then we could use them to pull the wagons. I reminded him that we have plenty of oxen. And before my disbelieving eyes, under the light of the moon, Joseph threw his arms in the air and said sometimes I just do not understand. He said just think of how much money we could make if we charged folks on the trail to see our antelope. Why, we’d be rich by the time we got to California.

I summoned what tattered patience I had left and, while I washed off in the river branch, I explained to Joseph that an antelope was not an over-grown ant but looked more like a small deer. I told him about the animal’s coloring, its horns, what it likes to eat, and where it tends to live. He lowered his shoulders and shook his head and informed me that my stories weren’t anywhere near as interesting as his oldest brother’s stories.

I promised myself to have a long talk with Adam in the morning.

21 May 1846

One day beyond the Blue

Strong wind and deluge. The wind roared out of the southwest and the clouds and rain were on us before we could stop the teams. By the time we crossed the last river branch and were able to corral the wagons, everyone looked as if they had been hauled to the deck after falling in the ocean.

Adam came in from guard duty with scratches on his hands and face after being caught in a hail storm. He is more concerned about Beauty than about himself. Erik told his older brother to stay inside the wagon and rest while Erik checked Beauty and Karly. Joseph told us he does not like these storms. He does not like them at all. Not at all. Not one bit.

We have taken refuge in the wagon, abandoning the idea of using our tents. Even if they could stand up to the wind, the ground is too wet to bed down on.

Joseph was so fretful that I had him lay close to me. I rubbed his back and told him what Adam and Erik called "a quiet story" when they were younger. I try to tell an adventure story twice a week after dinner and Joseph expects a "quiet story" when it is time to sleep. The remaining evenings either Marie or Adam read poetry aloud. If not that, then Joseph or Erik read from the Bible.

Marie and I decided the boys should read the New Testament aloud, instead of the Old Testament, when Erik declared he did not like the Old Testament God because He was mean. After a long, rambling discussion, Marie determined that our tender-hearted son does not like the God of fire and brimstone. He prefers Jesus because Jesus is loving and He heals people and He knows how to teach and He likes animals and children.

Adam said what he liked about Jesus was that He said what He had to say simply. Joseph told us that what he liked about Jesus was that Jesus said "do" instead of all those "shalt nots." It was Joseph’s opinion that he preferred to do rather than to shalt not.

When Joseph was old enough to talk, Adam quoted one of the commandments while making a point about how wrong it is to steal. "Shalt not" no sooner came out of our eldest son’s mouth than our youngest son twisted in my lap and asked what kind of not was a shalt not. After approximately ten minutes of growing confusion, Erik explained his brother’s question and contributed even more to the confusion.

"He thinks you’re talking about knots not nots," Erik said, proud that he had been able to decipher his brother’s question.

Marie, Adam, and I looked at Erik and frowned. As far as we were concerned he had just said nots-not-nots. No one spoke.

Erik sighed and tried a different tack. "Pa, he means knots."

My nod was probably accompanied by a blank expression.

"Knots, Pa. Not nots. Knots."

I wondered when Marie would offer to pour brandy for me.

Thankfully, Adam understood at that point and was proud that he had been able to decipher what Erik had said. "Pa, Joe thinks shalt nots are a type of knot that you tie. He doesn’t understand what the Bible means when it says shalt not."

Joe asked what the Bible meant if it wasn’t talking about tying knots.

Erik shrugged. "When the Bible says you shalt not it just means don’t." Then he added, "Do like Ma and Pa say and that’ll be fine."

Adam’s eyes sparkled then. "Tell ya what, Joe," he said and fought a grin. "Do what Ma and Pa say and you’ll be fine. If you don’t do what they say Pa’ll tie you up in shalt nots."

But Joe showed great promise when he replied that nope, Pa wouldn’t tie him up in shalt nots, Pa would tie him up in don’ts.

Our wagons will undoubtedly layover tomorrow to offer everyone an opportunity to dry clothing and other belongings, and to make needed repairs.

Erik returned to the wagon and reported that Karly and Beauty have a few scratches but it is nothing worth "frettin’ about." He loves to use new words he learns from the other travelers. I wonder what he will sound like by the time we reach California. He settled near his mother and told me he is sorry he complained "way back" about all the work we had to do on the wagon canvas. When we were camped at Independence, we caulked and painted the canvas cover which is made of two layers of sailcloth. Erik said he is very glad I knew what to do and he said he wonders if anybody else is as dry as we are.

22 May 1846

Layover for repairs

Clothes are hanging on every available surface. No doubt if we had trees nearby they, too, would be decorated with pants and shirts and skirts and aprons - and the stars only know what else.

The boys never had much to say about their clothing until we prepared for the trail.

Marie, of course, shortened her skirts and took to wearing a most unattractive sunbonnet. I reverted to the type of trail clothes I had worn years before – the big shirt, fitted pants, belt, gallowses, and I finally located some tall boots. Most of the men are wearing heavy shoes which I agree will come in handy on rough terrain. But I would rather have two pair of boots, and pay the price for them, than drag my feet for four or five months.

The boys took to the idea of wearing wide-brimmed hats easily enough. But from then on one or the other or all of them protested to every change. I informed them they would trade their trousers for pants. Adam was more than glad to say goodbye to the trousers with that confounded front flap that buttoned on each side. He took to pants as if he had always worn them and said he likes the ease of working in a larger-cut shirt. He tried not to strut around when he put on a belt.

Erik said pants were not comfortable and that he had more trouble with the one row of center buttons than he had ever in his whole life had with trousers. Adam and I recall differently. Erik also doesn’t care for the full sleeves of his shirt because he claimed they caught on everything within two yards of him. But he too likes wearing a belt.

Joseph fussed and sputtered until I promised him a sound spanking if he did not wear his pants and shirt and shoes and stay quiet about it. He fumed in silence and then announced to me that the pants were fine, he was breaking those in, but this here shirt was a mess because whenever there was a wind it filled up with air in the back and blew him all over the place. I outfitted him with a pair of gallowses to hold the shirt closer to his body.

Then he complained that the gallowses were always slipping off his shoulders and what he needed was a belt. I asked him how in thunder a belt would keep his shirt from filling with air. He said he could wear his shirt over his pants the way pirates did in pictures and then he could belt it down and the shirt wouldn’t go anywhere. I told him there were no belts small enough to fit him. He said I could make one if I wanted to. I told him I didn’t think he needed a belt. He said fine, that he would make one. I put a stop to that when I caught him trying to cut a strip of leather from some harness. He claimed that his mother and I were not being fair. Pa had a belt. Adam had a belt. Erik had a belt. He was the only man who did not have a belt.

Adam pointed out that he did not have a belt when he was eight. Erik said yeah, him neither. Joseph said they also hadn’t done near the work he was doing when they had been eight. Adam took great exception to that assertion and said when he had been Joe’s age he had been in charge of taking care of Erik all day while Pa worked. And he had been responsible for chopping wood for the kitchen and he had been responsible for tending to Thaddeus, his dog, and he had been responsible for filling the bathtub, and often he had been responsible for cooking the evening meal, and he had been responsible - Joseph slapped his hands over his ears and said he didn’t care what Adam was responsible for and what did that have to do with having a belt.

I put an end to that conversation when I presented them with the clothing they needed to wear under their shirts and pants. What a hullabaloo. Even Adam protested. I told them they would be grateful for the other clothing when the weather got cool enough. Joseph maintained they would freeze to death before they’d ever wear anything so dumb. After our first cool day on the trail I noticed that the box which held the underclothes was empty.

23 May 1846

Camped on branch leading to Little Blue

This trail is not near the hazard that our three sons seem to be. They do not run near the campfire. They handle rifles with care. They do not jump into or out of a moving wagon. But thunder and perdition sometimes they can be more trouble than an invading army.

I will go on record stating that I thought the entire idea of bringing chickens along was absurd. But Marie had talked to some of the other women while we were camped outside Independence. They assured her that keeping chickens had many benefits. And then Billings had to agree with her. Marie declared that my say did not count. I told her fine, but the chickens were her responsibility. She said the chickens would be her responsibility and the boys’ responsibility.

That was her first mistake. Not all the boys were willing to take on the fowl responsibility. Not Adam. He had an altercation with chickens when he and I visited John’s farm years ago and Adam still has the scar on his forehead above his left eye. The only way Adam likes a chicken is cooked.

Marie’s second mistake was in regard to Erik. He loves chickens. That’s the problem. He doesn’t mind gathering eggs. But talk about killing one and he sinks into despair. He does not think it is right for people to be mean to chickens. Furthermore, it isn’t a fair fight because people are bigger than chickens. So, Erik helps Marie feed the chickens and Erik helps gather the eggs. But Erik will not eat a chicken if he has known it by name.

Marie’s final mistake was thinking that Joseph would be much help in her endeavor. Joseph likes to eat eggs and anything in which they are cooked. Joseph likes to eat chicken, especially fried chicken. And Joseph thinks it’s kind of interesting the way a chicken’s feet kick and twitch after the chicken has lost its head. Joseph will even help pluck a chicken because he likes to play with the feathers. But depend on Joseph to gather those eggs or feed those chickens or clean that cage attached to the wagon and you are in for a big disappointment.

The first indication of trouble this morning was when Joseph ran around the second wagon while Jeffrey and I readied the oxen for the day’s pull. "Pa!" Joseph yelled. "The chickens! The chickens, Pa! It’s a stampede!"

When I learned the word "stampede" not so long ago, I could have sworn it involved cattle and not chickens. I asked Joseph what he meant. How do chickens stampede?

"They get loose is how they do it!" Joseph jumped up and down as he answered me. "Come on, Pa. Ya gotta rope ‘em or something!"

Rope a chicken. A stampeding chicken. Jeffrey looked down, laughing, and I ran after Joseph.

I had just enough time to see the open chicken cage before the blast from a rifle jerked my attention to the left. When the dust and feathers settled, I could discern Adam standing with his rifle at his shoulder. A dead chicken lay no more than thirty feet in front of him.

"That one won’t stampede," he announced with no small amount of satisfaction.

Erik balled up his fist and jammed it into Adam’s left arm. "Killing a chicken like that is a sin!" he yelled.

"Nah," Adam said. "There’s enough left to eat."

"Adam!" Joseph screamed. "Don’t you shoot no more. No more. Not any."

Marie appeared from around the first wagon. She threw her hands to her cheeks and moaned, "Mon Dieu."

I stalked toward her and waved my left hand at the frenzy of floating feathers and the din of squawking, stampeding chickens. "Need I remind you that these chickens are your responsibility?"

"Why are you not roping these running away chickens?" she demanded.

"Because they are your running away chickens, Marie!"

"Do not raise your voice to me, Benjamin Cartwright." She squinted her eyes. "You are afraid of these chickens just as is Adam."

How ridiculous. "I am not afraid of a bunch of overgrown sparrows."

"Then why do you not chase them?"

"Because they are your chickens, not mine."

"Would ya help?" Joseph yelled and ran toward the rapidly scattering hens.

Adam reloaded his rifle. He took aim at another chicken but Erik slammed his hand on the top of the barrel, the rifle discharged, and the sand jumped right behind Joseph. Our youngest son whirled around and demanded, "What the molly are you doing? Do I look like a chicken?"

Behind me and to the left I heard a low rumble and then loud cursing. Some of the stock was joining the stampede - but in the opposite direction. Those poor chickens were running all over the place, spreading out like an unfolding fan, flapping their wings, dropping feathers, squawking to high heaven. They weren’t going to lay again until we were in California.

I yelled at Adam to quit shooting at the chickens. And I yelled at Erik to never again slap at a rifle barrel like that. Joseph yelled at me to quit yelling ‘cause couldn’t I see the chickens were scared to death? Adam shouted that they couldn’t be dead soon enough for him.

"Stop this fuss and make to gather the chickens!" Marie yelled. The four of us froze in place. She does not raise her voice very often. "Maintenant!" She clapped her hands as she ordered.

We all know that French word. We flew into action, so to speak. Four Cartwrights. Maybe two dozen or so chickens. Maybe less. Who could tell? Pretty good odds. For the chickens. We would have been quite a spectacle if anybody had had the time to watch us. But some of the women were trying to quiet bawling children. Most of the men were trying to settle the oxen or were attempting to round up the other stock. And the children who weren’t bawling were running around the wagons playing chase. I have never heard so much noise.

Apparently chickens don’t like a lot of noise either. They decided to cluster for safety but none of them could decide exactly where the cluster should be. They ran together, crossed paths, turned around, ran back toward one another, crossed paths, and there we were - Adam, Erik, Joseph, and me - running around, bent at the waist, trying to catch the senseless birds. The sand was flying, the feathers were flying, and then the chickens took to the air. Adam screamed, threw his arms up to protect his head, and fell hard on his behind in the sand. He immediately leaned over and pulled up his knees.

Erik was full of brotherly sympathy. He shouted at Adam to quit scaring the chickens. Joseph shouted at Erik to quit shouting. I shouted at everyone to just catch the - I caught myself and said darn chickens. Adam peeked at me from under his left arm and raised his eyebrow. Sometimes he can be insolent without saying a word.

"Stop this!" Marie ordered from behind us.

Joseph pulled up short and turned toward Erik and me. Adam dropped his arms to his sides and came out of hiding. Erik and I looked where Joseph and Adam were looking.

"Shame on you," Marie scolded. "You make the chickens to riot."

Riot? I thought it was a stampede.

Adam stood and above all the uproar I heard him softly ask, "What’s she doing?"

It was a very good question. Marie held the bottom of her apron in her left hand so that her apron made a pouch. She carried something in her right palm - she had chicken feed. She shook her head at me and said, "Surely you are not this witless with all the animals," as she stomped past.

We watched in undisguised awe as she scattered the feed. The chickens heard the familiar, soothing sound and one by one they gathered around her, clucking softly and commiserating with one another as they drowned their troubles in food. Marie walked backwards, continuing to scatter the feed sparingly. We turned on our heels and watched her lead the chickens back to the wagon like St. Patrick luring the snakes. When she had them all happily pecking by her shoes, she bent and gently picked up one at a time and returned it to the roost. Job completed, she dusted her hands together, tossed her head in triumph, and walked around the wagon and out of our view.

I whirled on the boys and they all held up their hands, palms toward me. "Who," I demanded, "let those chickens out?"

Adam pointed to Joseph, Joseph pointed to Erik, and Erik pointed to Adam.

"Would you like to explain how all three of you let those chickens out?"

"It’s not our fault, Pa," Erik pleaded. "They were fighting."

I was not believing this. "The chickens were fighting."

Joe’s eyes widened. "They looked like they was gonna kill each other."

"Were," I corrected. "They looked like they were going to kill each other."

"You saw ‘em?" Erik asked.

Adam snickered.

"The chickens were fighting and what happened then?"

"We tried to separate ‘em," Joe answered as if I had asked an idiotic question.

"Oh, you separated them all right," I agreed. "All over creation!"

They flinched.

"Next time," Erik said sullenly, "we’ll just let ‘em kill each other."

Adam’s expression brightened. "Good idea, brother."

I pointed toward the wagons. "You will return to that camp and you will help the others settle the animals and you will apologize to everyone for delaying our departure."

They didn’t speak. They quietly walked past me. But the minute they were out of my reach, Joe said, "I never figured it."

"Figured what?" Erik asked.

"I never figured anyone was smarter than Pa. Not even Ma. But he sure don’t know nothing about chickens."

"Anything," I said as I followed them. "I don’t know anything about chickens."

They ran away from me, enjoying the last laugh.

24 May 1846

Bearing west to northwest

Between Blue and Little Blue

Today was pleasant. Marie and I had the opportunity to walk together for several hours. We discussed how different the land here is from Louisiana and the fact that there is no fear of the fevers that haunted us for so many years. For some reason which neither one of us can understand, Matthew Davis has times of chills and is uncomfortable in much the same way as people who contract one of the less dangerous fevers along the Mississippi. As far as we can determine, he lived in Ohio and never had reason to head south to the lower Mississippi.

Our talk turned to the parties we had attended in New Orleans and how much we had enjoyed the music and dancing. She misses, too, the shrimp and the fish and the sweet pastries. Most of all, she said, she misses the candy. The rich candy. Especially the candy with the fruit and nuts in it. I decided I had best distract her before she swooned for lack of the delicacy so I took her in my arms and hummed one of the slower melodies we had danced to in New Orleans.

Marie laughed and stepped back to curtsy, then she returned to my arms. It is an indication of how much she misses dancing that she was willing to tolerate my singing. As we were at the forward of the company, we did not have to dance in the dust or watch our step for fear of stepping in something undesirable. I whistled a second tune and Marie whistled along. When I raised my eyebrow, she said she did not care what the other women thought of her. After all, she reasoned, we would never see any of them again when we reached California. And anyhow, she whispered, most of the women smoked the pipe and that was, to her, much less forgivable than to whistle. She danced with me, whistling, wearing her very nice short skirt and that dreadful sunbonnet, and informed me that no lady of pride would smoke a pipe.

My wife is without a doubt the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her dark eyes are as deep as her soul and sparkle with vitality even when she should be weary. She does not waste a moment of her waking hours and when she is not engaged in some necessary chore she is out on the prairie with Erik, examining the flowers and discussing the scenery. If she is not there, she is chasing or playing with Joseph to the point that he tires but she does not. And if she is not with Erik or Joseph, she is riding horses with Adam. Marie is a terrible influence on Adam where horses are involved.

My wife, who so easily speaks of a woman maintaining pride, refuses to ride side-saddle. When we started to load the side-saddle she had used in New Orleans, she declared we would most certainly not take such a torturous thing with us. Adam said he doubted it was all that bad so she pointed to the saddle and said that then perhaps he would prefer to ride the side-saddle and she would ride his saddle. Adam quickly acknowledged that she was correct and the side-saddle looked horribly torturous.

So Marie rides here on the prairie, astride the horse like a man. And despite every warning I have given her since the first time we met, she loves to run a horse. The faster the horse, the more she enjoys herself. She delights in jumping the horse at a speed which would surely break both their necks if the horse shied. Like Adam, she likes to raise her arms high and laugh toward the sky. There is pure delight in the action, and the rider seems such a part of the horse that I can never bring myself to punish Adam or warn Marie. For those few moments they are one with the breeze and as free of the Earth as a human ever will be. I experienced the same sensation as I stood near the bow of a ship on a clear day with a good wind filling the sails. All the world is as it should be at that moment and it fills your heart to bursting.

25 May 1846

North side of Little Blue

The river’s branches are rising along the banks. We held a meeting and the majority agreed to cross before the water goes any higher.

When we purchased our wagons, I put the boys to work caulking the beds. It was my theory that the wagons would at times serve much like boats and the more buoyancy we could create, the better. The caulking served us well today and none of our goods were dampened. Adam, Erik, and John swam their horses across - Marie scarcely breathed until our sons were safe on the opposite bank. They secured the ropes which we then used to guide the wagons. Billings helped Zeke Teague cross his wagon first. Then the two men swam their horses and returned to the near bank so they could aid in getting the animals across. The endeavor took the better part of our day and everyone is fatigued this evening. We are bedding down early.

26 May 1846

Bearing westerly along Little Blue

The wisdom of our decision made itself apparent to us before we broke camp. Another party has halted on the opposite side of the creek and we could see a second party approaching. Billings judges they will have several days’ wait before the water recedes enough for crossing. The best they can hope for, he said, is to improvise some sort of raft to ferry the wagons across.

I am surprised at how little this land has changed in the nearly fourteen years since I last saw it. I am grateful for one change. Billings was correct and we have had no trouble with Indians. A few came to camp one evening to trade small items. Several begged for food. Billings cautioned us to keep our provisions away from view.

27 May 1846

Bearing west

Apparently Marcus Miller is a better shot than his younger brother Nathan because the doctor managed to shoot himself today. The grass is tall in this country and when a breeze blows across it there are ripples almost like waves. Marcus mistook a ripple for an Indian during the noon break. He reached into his wagon and like a fool he grabbed the rifle by its muzzle. The predictable happened. The trigger caught on something inside the wagon, the loaded rifle discharged, and Marcus was very lucky to come out of the scrape with a deep scratch across his left shoulder. Marcus’ son, John, later told Adam that sometimes he can’t believe how little sense an educated man like his father can have.

I took the opportunity to stress with my family yet again the importance of handling a rifle correctly. Adam patiently stood by even though he has been shooting a rifle since he was five or six. That fact alone is an example of the difference in my sons. Adam was trustworthy with a firearm at the age of five. Erik is a decent shot but he would survive on vegetables and fruit if it were up to him to provide the meat for the family. And the thought of Joseph even holding a rifle when he was five is enough to make me weak in the knees. Adam only has to be told something one time. Erik always listens closely, asks questions, and tries his hardest until he masters a skill. Joseph half-listens, masters a skill just enough to get by, and then decides he is more skilled than he is and tries to prove his hypothesis. I have never known Joseph’s estimation of his ability to even approach my estimation of his ability.

The boys are, to their credit, careful around rifles. They are also careful when we cast bullets and when we clean rifles. Marie has finally gotten over her dislike of weapons and has persuaded Erik to teach her how to shoot a rifle. She is so small that I worry the rifle recoil will hurt her shoulder. If it does, she doesn’t mention it. Erik says she is a good shot with large targets but probably needs to practice on shooting smaller targets. I asked him how big a target he was talking about. He said that his mother was pretty good at hitting anything about five feet across. When I sucked in a breath he assured me that he is keeping her very far away from the animals and even farther away from the wagons.

My wife is convinced she can do almost anything a man can do. A few days ago I found her rummaging around in the sling under the wagon’s belly. When I inquired as to what she was doing she remained in her bent-over position and said that she needed chain. I inquired as to why she might need chain. She said the wagon was rocking like the rocking chair in the wind and she was becoming sick sea and she would chain the wagon to a tree and then it would not rock so. I looked around. None of the country I could see had a tree. I mentioned this slight problem to my wife. She said fine then she would chain the wagon to a log. I pointed out that generally when there are no trees there are also no logs. She stood and wiped her hair off her forehead and stomped her foot. Fine, then, she declared. Since I was obviously so much more intelligent in these matters just what would I do? I leaned into the back of the wagon and produced the wooden wedges we use to prevent the wagon wheels from rolling. She accused me of having hidden them from her. I pled my innocence. Marie said that these wheel blocks had better work because if she became anymore sick sea there would be no dinner. I blocked the wheels and, on the offhand chance that the wind would pick up, I chained the wheels together. Dinner was excellent as always.

28 May 1846

Little Blue

In following the Little Blue we crossed a stream which appears to be nameless so Erik christened it No Name Creek. The streambed was sandy and the country is sandy with some broken land. The uneven quality of the land has prompted me to think ahead to the mountains and the fact that these wagons do not have brakes. The only springs any of them have are under the seat. When we get to those steep ascents and declines we will have our work cut out for us. Billings told me we can make chain locks to enable the wheels to bite into the ground.

This afternoon an argument broke out between Mark and John Davis. The best I can determine it involved the oxen which the family is sharing. Mark thought it was his turn to use a particularly good pair but John did not agree. They came to blows and Mark would have hit John with a shovel if their older brother Matthew had not grabbed the shovel from John’s hands. As it was, Mark and John beat each other until both will have injuries for several days.

Marie was horrified that brothers could treat each other that way. This evening she told the boys that quarreling in such a way offends God. Adam and Erik waved off her warning with a, "Pa told us about that a long time ago." Joseph, of course, had to argue. He said if God was so against brothers fighting then why did he make Cain and Abel. God knows everything, doesn’t he? And God knew right from the start that Cain and Abel were gonna fuss. So what Joseph wanted to know was how come God made Cain and Abel and then got put out with them when they only did what He knew they were gonna do to begin with.

None of us answered his query immediately. Then Adam had a try at an answer. He said that yes, God knew what would happen but he had to let it happen because he had given mankind free will. Adam had to assure Joseph that no, God was not in the practice of charging people for things and he wasn’t sure why it was called free will and not just will. He sighed deeply and directed his attention to his hot tea. Erik picked up Joseph’s verbal gauntlet. He said that yes, God knew what was going to happen but there was always the chance that Cain and Abel would not do what God thought they would and that things would be different from how God figured they would turn out. Joseph said that didn’t make any more sense than a bucket with a hole in it. If God knew what was going to happen then he would know that Cain and Abel were not going to do what he thought they might do but he knew they were going to do what he thought they were going to do so it was pretty mean of him to tell them not to fight and then to get put out with them when they did what he knew they were going to do. Adam and Erik looked to their mother. She looked to me. I suggested we sing a few songs. Thank the saints that Joseph is easily distracted.

29 May 1846

Little Blue

Adam and John went hunting with Billings. They returned with a large elk. Two of the Davis men rode in with antelope and some rabbits..

Odd how a country can be familiar after so many years’ absence. I look at Erik and realize how long ago we were on the trail nearby here. The memories are about the oddest things. Adam complaining because we had to go a mile or more for firewood. Erik, a babe in arms, babbling and waving his hands. The wind blowing Inger’s hair across her face while she tried to cook dinner. The wonder that filled Adam’s eyes every time Erik wrapped a little hand around Adam’s finger.

I thought I had the strength to face this leg of the journey. Now I am not so sure.

30 May 1846

Good road

Tonight Adam and Jeffrey reviewed the map. Adam leaned closer, couldn’t be sure he was reading the map correctly, held it nearer to the lantern. The moment he realized where we are and where we will be, his body tensed. We will, as we have his entire life, face the thing together when the time arrives.

31 May 1846

Approaching Platte

This weather is much like what I remember from the seaboard. The morning was colder than any we have encountered. The rain is so chilly as to almost feel like ice. And the high wind is out of the northeast. I have never known good weather to come from the northeast.

I recall the Platte. It is a wide river, not overly deep, dark in color, wretched in taste. But we will be glad of the water for the sake of the animals.

This country and the memories it evokes haunt me. I will be glad to be away from the South Platte and past Ash Hollow.

Tomorrow I shall turn this journal over to my wife.

Monday, June 1 - So, Benjamin hands me the journal today and declares that I have received my just desserts. Many times he says things such as this in hopes to confuse me but I disappointed him today because I knew what the words mean - and that they have nothing to do with sweets.

I told him I know what this just desserts means. He mocked and said I am no fun anymore. But my noble protector, Joseph, told his father that I am the most wonderful mother in the world and that he should not speak to me this way. Poor Benjamin, the boys amuse him so much and he tries very hard not to smile.

Benjamin and the boys behave differently on this trail. The boys have been active since they are little, it is not that. The most dreadful thing that could be done to them in New Orleans, other than for Benjamin to spank them, was to tell them they must be in the house. Quel dommage! Their bright faces grew pale and their mouths opened without words and they looked at their father or me with prayer in their eyes. So now they are most pleased because there is no house in which they may be kept. But there is the other side. It is impossible for them to avoid their father even in this large country.

It is of necessity that Benjamin is more strict with our sons as there are many things that could hurt the boys or the animals or both. Adam was on the trail before and he is, of nature, an obedient son. He must often have his say but Adam obeys. With Erik and Joseph this immediate obedience does not come so easy. They always obey, this is not the problem, but many times they give us the rolling eyes or the deep, weary sigh. No more. If they go back to such ways, Benjamin is upset with them.

On occasion there is fussing among the boys. This was most often for the first weeks. After many days of extra work as punishment for this foolishness, the boys wisely allied.

The boys tease and they wrestle and they run the footraces. They battle with the clods of dirt. They determine who whistles and sings the loudest. This is not of necessity melodious. They slap one another on the legs and the bottom with twigs or their hats.

Adam and Erik race the horses. Benjamin entertained this at first but now he impresses upon them that they must not tire the horses overmuch. When he scouts ahead with Mr. Billings, Adam and Erik take Beauty and Karly and they race. Benjamin rode upon them one day and our sons were most surprised. He has a displeased look he uses and he need not say anything to them. They were most quiet at dinner that night.

My men take different steps in this new land. Joseph must scamper everywhere like a little rabbit. And before our first dinner at the campfire, Joseph met every person on the train and recalled their names. Erik walks and swings his arms wide. He reminds me very much of when he was little and he would do his soldier walk. Adam, as always, skips sometimes with the steps he takes. I think this is to tease me still that I can not do this skipping. When he looks at me with that smile, I am most assured this is true. And Benjamin. He has always been a most difficult man to keep pace with in many ways. But now, mon Dieu! When he calls to one of the boys and they must accompany him to a chore they must half-run alongside him. I have, as they say, put down my foot and told him he must walk like a gentleman when he is beside me. He finds this most amusing and he bows his head and says, "Yes, Marie."

The boys also have the friends as we travel. John Miller has perhaps a year more than Adam. The two are allowed to scout together and hunt. Jefferson and Lincoln Miller, the twins who are John’s cousins, are often with Erik. Benjamin and I would rather Erik not be with Hector and William and James and Morgan and Butler Davis. Joseph has one friend, Micah Teague. They occupy the time staying far from Micah’s cousins Sarah and Ruth and then there is Annie Miller.

Ah, Annie Miller. She is most delightful. She reminds me much of Adam as a child - intelligent and very quick with the wit - but she is younger than Adam was when I met him. Annie has just observed her sixth birthday. Benjamin says she is my favorite girl. I agree. She is my special favorite.

Last week, I made the doll for Annie because her own became lost as we traveled. I dressed the doll in scraps from the hems of the dresses which I made shorter before we began this trip. And she was a most wonderful little doll. But I found it difficult to sew the face on the doll and so I asked Adam to sit on the blanket with me and hold the doll while I gave her the face.

Benjamin walked up very quietly and he smiled down at Adam, who could not see him. Benjamin stood there with his hands at his waist as he so often does and then he made that big voice and said, "That better not be a voodoo doll."

Poor Adam. He dropped the doll, his back went straight, and those beautiful eyes of his grew very large.

Benjamin intended this as a joke but Adam did not understand it as such. I scolded my husband for frightening our son and, as he will do, Benjamin bent his knees and sat on his heels beside Adam. He apologized when he saw his son’s face and the fright which he had given to Adam. I understood there was more to this than that his father shouted behind Adam’s back and startled him and so that night I asked Benjamin about this.

Benjamin did not wish to share the story but finally he told me. Adam had a most difficult time when his father and I were first married. There is always in Adam the pure heart and the desire to love but he could not let that happen. He was most accustomed to the family being just he, Erik, and his father. I was considered an unnecessary addition and could serve no useful purpose as far as Adam saw events. When Joseph was very little and I became ill, Adam believed he had made me so. He had purchased a doll from a voodoo woman and believed this thing had made me ill as he had wanted. I laughed as Benjamin told me the story and he smiled but he told me this was not amusing then. He was very angry with Adam because Adam went where he should not and did not have the permission and Adam lied and was not respectful of me. Benjamin punished him very hard. So much that these six years after the voodoo doll, Adam still remembers. He is that way, Adam. He takes his father’s disappointment deep to heart. I knew this the moment I meet him. He takes everything deep to heart so that, when he loves, he loves as fiercely as does his father.

And what of Erik? He is our nature child. His eyes are for the plants and the animals and the skies. His questions are without end and he is most disappointed that his parents do not always have the answer as to what some new flower or tree is. Erik is a happy and friendly boy. I find it difficult to remember he is a boy because he is taller than Adam. I tell Adam there is nothing he can do but to accept this part of life. Erik has the tender heart and especially so with Adam and Joseph. He becomes upset with them but he does not stand still when he thinks that someone has bothered them. And he has the gifts for his understanding of the animals. I hear of these people who talk to animals and who know how animals feel. This is Erik.

Joseph. He is so very like Benjamin when he is full of the mischief. Little in life is serious to this one. The only time the smile is not on his face is when his father is upset with him. As with all the boys, Joseph is happiest when his father is also happy. He will upset me but the smile is not off his face. He does not worry over me as he does over his father. I frown at him or scold him and he listens and he says, "Yes, ma’am" but I do not spoil his day. I do not even spoil his minute. But then he is a happy child and a great pleasure to all of us. He must hug his father and me before he sleeps and he must hug Erik and Adam. And then he must hear the quiet story from Benjamin. Adam and Erik liked these also when they were children. Now, every night when Benjamin rubs Joseph’s back and tells him the story, Erik pretends he is too old for this thing. But one of the nights when Joseph fell asleep in Benjamin’s arms as we rested by the fire, Benjamin placed Joseph on his bed roll and then made to leave. Erik said his father must not do this because he did not tell the story. Benjamin said that Joseph is asleep and Erik said yes, but what if Joseph awakened and their father was not telling him the story. Erik’s concern for his brother was most touching. Benjamin and I laughed softly about this that night - after he told the quiet story.

Tuesday, June 2 - This is a very different land from any I have seen. New Orleans is different from France and this is different from both. It is wide and there is nothing which would stop the eye except where the land and sky meet far away. One turns all around and there is nothing different and nothing to mark the way. I am glad for the fact that Benjamin was a sailor and knows how to set a path when there is nothing to guide one. He proves most useful as we travel.

There is nothing to stop the weather as we discovered this evening. We made what Benjamin calls "good distance" and we were pleased but also fatigued when we ate dinner. Then a wind came about and it was strong. Not as much as the hurricane, this is true. But there was nothing to slow it except us and the wind did not consider us an impediment.

Then there was the rain. We thought to sleep in the tents but the wind blew them over and we voted that we should sleep inside the wagons. This last is not easy. We made the sleeping places for Benjamin and me inside the wagon on either side. Our bedding is atop the long wooden boxes which hold the supplies. When Joseph joins us, as he often does, he sleeps on the floor between the wooden boxes. There is room for Benjamin and me, and there can be made the room for Joseph. Adam and Erik must sleep in the other wagon. Jeffrey has one of the beds such as Benjamin and I have, so when Adam and Erik would sleep in the second wagon they must decide who sleeps on the bedding atop the box and who sleeps on the floor. Jeffrey tells me that Adam most often sleeps on the floor. This is to appease Erik who must make the complaints and the noise should he have to sleep on the floor.

When the time arrived for Adam to be guard, Benjamin walked to the second wagon and told our son not to leave the wagon and that Benjamin would be the guard. I heard Adam argue until Benjamin grew most strict. I keep the lantern low. I wait for Benjamin to return. Then the night will not be so long.

Wednesday, June 3 - Oh but it is a beautiful day. Cool, yes, but a sky of uncommon blue. And the dreadful wind is gone.

Being able to see so far proves most fortunate for there are the antelope. Joseph is most disappointed when he sees these animals. He prefers Adam’s story that the antelope is a very large, strong ant. His father’s explanation regarding what this animal truly is was most unimaginative to Joseph. He resigns himself to the fact that they are more like small deer than large ants. But he does not admit total defeat. He tells his father that there are many strange and undiscovered things to the west and asks if his father can prove there is no such thing as this large ant about which Adam spoke. Benjamin admits that he can not prove this creature does not exist - but he makes the point that Joseph can not prove the creature does exist. At which point Joseph twists his mouth and says that his father is much like the doubting Thomas of the New Testament.

Mr. Billings assures us that these antelope are not so difficult to hunt as one would believe. They are fast, yes. But they are most curious. They pause to see if they outrun the hunter and this is when they are dispatched. Adam and Benjamin could not resist the chance to hunt. They returned with two of the animals. True, we might keep this meat to ourselves but this is not right. We have more than enough and it is important to show the boys how kindness must be done.

Kindness does not come easily to some people. There is little kindness in the Davis family. They are not kind to one another and they are less than kind to their traveling companions. The family finds it also very hard to be thankful. They are most proud and say they can "do for themselves." This and the way the children speak to their parents makes Benjamin raise his eyebrows but he does not express what he feels. He does not have to. All he says is that it is quite difficult for anyone in this life to be completely on their own and that many times it is a sad way to be.

The other families are thoughtful and some of the men have almost as good a sense of humor as Benjamin. Josiah Billings, who guides us, and his cousin Jeffrey, who drives our other wagon, are those to joke the most with Benjamin. On occasion they have said the things in low voices and then laughed as the boys laugh when they have shared something they should not say or think. They are fortunate men, those three. They plan and they think of the things that might happen and they work hard and then they leave what may be to God. Benjamin says God is much smarter and has better vision. When he said this once, Joseph asked, "He is smarter than Adam?" This caused everyone to laugh. And then Joseph asked how it is that God sees better than man. I sat still and allowed Benjamin to attempt that answer. Joseph finally grew bored and informed his father that he had important things to do.

The nights are so dark. The sky is so big and the stars they are so white and clear. Benjamin and Erik and Adam are teaching Joseph and me about the stars. This is most interesting to know that one can determine where one is this way. Joseph wants more to hear the stories of the archer and the dippers and those things. When a story does not sound good to Joseph, Benjamin suggests that our son invent one. Joseph loves to invent stories and they come most naturally to him. Too naturally when he has been engaged in mischief. He is still learning the difference between imagination and truth. I fear it will take a long time to teach this one this lesson.

Thursday, June 4 - The air is cooler today and at last we see something different. Hills of sand are on the horizon. Erik tells me that Mr. Billings says we are near the Platte River. This news is most exciting to Erik and he asked me if he may swim and fish when we reach this river. I told him that we must wait and see how fast the water runs. When the family talked about this at the noon hour, Joseph said that he did not care and he would swim no matter what. Benjamin told him that willows grow by this river. Then he looked at Joseph and said, "Willows make a good switch to use on youngsters who do not obey their parents."

Adam and Erik smiled at each other, knowing their father said this to warn their little brother. Joseph thought a moment about what Benjamin told him, but only a moment, and then he asked why the willows made such good switches. Erik and Adam laughed until they could laugh no more.

Then Adam gave Benjamin the most serious look and said, "I’ve wondered that, too, Pa. Why do willows make such good switches?" Benjamin wagged his finger at our eldest son in play and said, "I think I know now where Joseph got that smart mouth of his." And Adam, who is always quick, asked, "And where did I get my smart mouth?" Benjamin threw a rolled blanket at Adam. He does this with the boys often, throws soft things toward them. Adam is very good at catching these things.

I had the opportunity to speak at some length with Ada Miller this evening. She is the mother of Annie and a most intelligent woman. Her husband, Marcus, is the physician and they travel so he may practice his profession in Yerba Buena. She, too, came to this country from across the sea. She lived in England but she came across the sea from France. She was curious about some of the meals I have prepared and so we exchanged cooking ideas. Then we spoke of what we had last heard of the events in Washington. But we are both sadly behind the news in this regard. That did not, of course, prevent us from expressing our thoughts.

After I told her we are from New Orleans, we spoke more softly and she confided that she is very much against slavery. I assured her of my agreement. She said her husband does not hold the same view. I find this most puzzling. A woman does not always agree with her husband, no. This is impossible. But to not share the same opinion regarding something this important would be distressing. I believe her way of accepting this is to not speak of it to her husband. This, too, I find most puzzling. How is her husband to know what she thinks if she does not tell him? He most assuredly will tell her what he thinks.

Many of these women are subject to their husbands. He is le roi and she is his servant, or even worse she is his slave. This seems that these men are speaking from both sides of the mouth, as Benjamin says. These proud men believe in their own ability to say as they think and do what they will but they do not believe their wives to have these same privileges. How distressing this is.

Benjamin is telling me all the time that it is not every man who would marry me because I speak what I feel. I tell him it is not every woman who would marry him because of his strong opinions and his way of wanting to always be the leader. And he says there is no worry of that, of him always being the leader, while we are married.

When we were not long on this journey, Mr. Davis, who is the oldest brother of all the other Davis men, grew most upset with me when I said what I thought as we had a meeting. He was very angry and told me that women do not vote in these meetings and they do not speak. I demanded of him why this should be when the women work as the men on this trail, many times they work more. That is when he made Benjamin angry because he looked at my husband and said that Benjamin should keep his wife in her place. Benjamin does not like this talk and he told Mr. Davis, in very clear words, that he would not tell Mr. Davis how his family should be and that Mr. Davis would not tell Benjamin how his family should be.

Mr. Davis did not have the good sense to stop. He then criticized our sons. This from the man whose grown sons, who must know better, are so rude to others. Mr. Davis said to Benjamin that if Benjamin did not teach our sons how to behave then he, Mr. Davis, would. Benjamin stood so quickly I did not see him do it but Jeffrey grabbed my husband by the shoulders and shook his head to tell Benjamin not to do anything. Were it not for Jeffrey Billings, I think perhaps Mr. Davis would not have felt so well during the rest of that meeting.

Friday, June 5 - It is most disagreeable today. No longer cool but cold. Benjamin and Adam, this cold does not bother them. But Erik and Joseph and I are most distressed and uncomfortable. Never have Joseph and I known this cold weather in New Orleans. If Erik has known it before on the trail he does not remember it. Benjamin and Adam wear almost all the clothes they own and they make the extra effort to help us be more comfortable. But even with as many clothes as we wear, Erik and Joseph and I are most ready for this weather to become warmer. It is the presence of the sun and the absence of the wind which will aid us most.

We saw the Indians today. They have hunted the buffalo which they say is not far away. Mr. Billings is the one who can speak to them. Benjamin is most wary of these Indians. There was much trouble with them many years ago but Mr. Billings assures Benjamin that there is little left of this tribe now. Disease has hurt them badly and greatly decreased their number. Adam is much like Benjamin, his right hand is never far from his rifle. I would suppose these ways of reacting to the Indians are most natural for Benjamin and Adam. They have traveled close by this way many years before when the danger was greater. My husband and eldest son are most vigilant but I think perhaps they are too worried.

Saturday, June 6 - The air is more pleasing today. Cool, yes, but not distressing. We continue to see the antelope and the men continue to hunt.

The boys have found a diversion. Little creatures which Mr. Billings calls the prairie dogs scurry about for miles. They are most engaging but they do not resemble any dogs which I have seen. These little ones are perhaps the size of a small squirrel but with more weight and none of the long, bushy tail. They are also a tan color much like the buckskin which Mr. Billings wears. They sit upon their back legs often and guard the hole in the ground which leads to their home. The hole has dirt piled around the top. Some of the dirt it is beaten down but some of the times the dirt is soft and will blow with the breeze. While the standing animals are guarding the homes, the others dash about and eat the grass and seeds. When a guard is worried he makes the very high sounding bark and the others run quickly to the safety of the holes in the ground.

We find these small creatures most adorable and entertaining but Mr. Billings does not. He assures Benjamin and the boys that they must not ride the horses quickly through what he calls the "town" as the holes can trip a horse and cause a most unfortunate accident. A horse who trips in one of the holes can also break the leg. Benjamin has stressed this particularly with Adam and Erik, who are known to run their horses. He tells them that if they do such a thing they will not ride their horses for three days. This is all he needs to say to Adam and Erik. They have learned a long time ago that their father keeps his promise.

Joseph and Micah occupy themselves by staying behind the wagons and making the explorations to where these little ground dogs live. I watch with amusement as the boys attempt to sneak up. They are convinced they will catch one of the animals and then they would take him all the way to California. How they would contain this ground dog and what they would feed it does not occur to Joseph and Micah. They are most single-minded in their purpose. Benjamin teased that we should shoot the little dogs for dinner but Joseph was not amused.

Adam, like his father, is the most excellent shot with a rifle. He teaches Erik, who has become very good, and Erik teaches me. I can strike the nearby large things but the nearby small things are more of a challenge. I do not try to shoot the nearby small moving things. Erik tells me I improve each day but he is kind.

Tonight Benjamin cautions that the rattlesnakes are also where the little dogs live. Because of this the boys must not go near without permission. At the mention of this rattlesnake, Adam looks ill and asks me to please, no matter what, do not cook the rattlesnake. He need not worry as I have no intention of such a culinary experiment.

Joseph says that he wonders how big these rattlesnakes are and asks if anyone has caught one. Erik tells Joseph it is more that the rattlesnake catches the person and then he tells Joseph of the terrible poison in the snake and he tells in great detail of how a person dies of this poison. He acts this out and tries most diligently to frighten Joseph. When all this is done my youngest son asks Erik if he is "finished." Erik says he is. Joseph says he has never heard such a bad story. Adam says he has never seen such a bad actor. I know what will happen next. They become a tumbling group of arms and legs. There are times when these sons are most predictable.

Sunday, June 7 - There are what Benjamin calls "signs" of the buffalo. One of these signs is the dung of the buffalo and this is a dark, flat circle when it is dry. Benjamin has sent the boys to gather this to use for our fire. It is dry as a cake and he tells them it is only grass which the buffalo has eaten. But I do not think the boys are joyful at handling grass once it has been through the buffalo. As there is none of the wood, we burn these buffalo "chips" for fuel. They burn, yes, with much smoke and we can cook and have warm food and this is how we must think of this. Others say these chips they burn without odor. I fear my sense of smell is perhaps too keen.

Joseph told us this evening of how Micah and he came so close to catching one of the little dogs of the prairie. He says he was ready to grab the little dog when the animal saw Joseph’s shadow and ran away. I believe this is another example of Joseph beginning with the truth and slowly escaping into imagination. But it is entertaining. And it hurts nothing.

Erik, too, is prone to this story-telling at times but Erik’s stories are so imaginative as to be completely unbelievable. Benjamin laughs about these stories when we are together but he looks quite serious when Erik tells them and asks the most serious questions to continue Erik’s story. Adam stands by the side and looks down with his eyebrows raised. Joseph is the one who challenges Erik and says that his brother has made up this story. Benjamin says this is "the pot calling the kettle black." Adam tries as hard as Benjamin not to smile but they both fail.

Monday, June 8 - These hills of sand, which Mr. Billings says we will soon leave behind, are most interesting. They are like the sand of a beach but this sand is dry and it will blow about. I think it would not be a good thing to be here when there is a fierce wind as we had the other night.

The cattle were hard to control yesterday so the men posted extra guards around them. Erik was sent with Adam in the middle of the night. Erik had thought this a wonderful adventure when Benjamin informed him of it before bed but when it was later in the night and Adam shook Erik awake, Erik told Adam he would not go be a guard with Adam. Benjamin sat up in the bedroll, at which time Erik chose to accompany his older brother.

The cattle did not settle again this evening. Adam and Erik had the early watch so they were at the wagon not long after their usual sleep time. When they pulled their bedding around them, Erik kicked Joseph by accident and apologized. There was no sound from Joseph. This is most unusual. Adam sleeps on the opposite side of Joseph from Erik so they can protect their little brother from the things they have told him about, such things as big birds that snatch little boys. When Joseph made no sound, Adam sat up and looked at Joseph’s bed. He pulled back the blanket and there was no Joseph but a sack of flour. I wonder how our youngest son has moved this large sack but Benjamin does not pause to consider such a thing. He stands up and grabs his rifle and walks off. Erik and Adam look at one another with their brother look. They know what each other think but it is impossible for anyone else to know. I know this because I have attempted it many, many times.

Sam Teague and Jeffrey Billings then alarmed the camp with the word that the cattle were running away. Adam and Erik made groaning sounds but they did not have to be told what to do. They saddled Beauty and Karly and rode out to help. Sam Billings passed our camp and told me it is the smell of the buffalo which has caused the cattle to run.

Not long after this, Benjamin returned and he held Joseph by the collar of Joseph’s shirt. The little one was rubbing his bottom but he was not crying. Benjamin pointed to Joseph’s bed and told him if he moved from it in the night Benjamin would make Joseph most sorry. Adam or Erik would not have said a word. But Joseph is not Adam or Erik. He looked up at Benjamin and asked what he was to do if he must relieve himself. Should he "wet on" Adam or Erik? Benjamin remained very stern but I saw in his eyes that Joseph amused him. He pointed once again to Joseph’s bed and this time the boy obeyed quietly.

After Benjamin left to help guard the camp while the others went for the cattle, Joseph whispered to me. He asked me which brother I thought he should "wet on" since his father had not answered him. I kept my head down, sewing a patch to Erik’s shirt, and did not answer, either. Joseph said in a most aggravated way that he did not understand why no one answered him. And he continued talking and said that Micah and he had not meant to make the cattle run. They had meant to find the little dogs of the prairie asleep in the night and capture one. He said they would catch one "for sure" tomorrow night. I hope he does not do this because I do not think there will be much amusement in Benjamin’s eyes.

Tuesday, June 9 - These buffalo cause everyone to stop and to watch them in awe. They are much larger than the cattle, perhaps larger than the oxen but I do not go close enough to be sure of this. The heads of these buffalo are enormous and the entire animal is covered with a curly dark hair. Some have horns which curve from near the rounded ears toward the nose. These horns look most dangerous. The entire animal looks most dangerous. The only part that does not look dangerous is the tail which sometimes has a bit of fur puffed on the very end. The tail looks much too small for the animal.

Several of the Davis men set their horses running among the buffalo, thinking to shoot the buffalo. When Adam and Erik ran to their horses to join the others, Benjamin said they must not do as the other men did because it could hurt the horses and make them unusable. Adam was most angry with his father and did not fail to show it in his eyes but he obeyed.

Erik saw the condition of the Davis horses after the men had chased and killed one of the buffalo and Erik was very angry. He does not like for animals to be mistreated and even at his young age he went over and began to scold the Davis men for their unkindness to their horses. Luke, who has the sons William and James and the daughter Tennessee, raised his hand to strike Erik but our son avoided the hand and then there was Benjamin. Luke Davis demanded that Erik apologize but my husband did not think this was necessary. Instead, he told the Davis men that their horses would not be good for the remainder of the trip if they did not take more care.

After this, Benjamin and Sam Billings went to hunt the buffalo and they allowed John Miller and Adam to accompany them. Their return was most amusing. Adam and John shot a buffalo but Benjamin and Sam Billings did not. Adam and John shot such a large animal that it took much labor and time to bring back the meat. Adam tells me that John and he have found the way to hunt these animals without tiring the horses overmuch.

Erik rode out with them and he brought back liver. I was most delighted and cooked a meal of this which Erik and Joseph and I greatly enjoyed. But Benjamin and Adam! They are impossible when this liver is part of the meal. They refuse to eat it no matter how hungry they are. When they refused tonight I informed them that they could cook their own dinner.

Benjamin is my life’s love, but he does not cook well. Adam has more skill than Benjamin at this but even he lacks talent. In their manly pride they set about making their own dinner. They cooked often for themselves when they were traveling before. And they always cooked for themselves in New Orleans before Benjamin and I became acquainted. So, father and son made to cook their own dinner. It smelled burned. And it had no interesting aroma or herbs or spices, except perhaps too much of the pepper. When their meal was on their plates, I could not discern what it was they ate. I knew they began with good things but I think they made these good things into very bad things. Erik and Joseph and I teased at them by guessing what it was that Benjamin and Adam were eating while they frowned very much. Benjamin and Adam did not share our amusement. I would torment them more by preparing liver again tomorrow evening but I do not have the heart to torture them so. They must keep up the strength for all the work - and they have tortured themselves enough.

Friday, June 12 - I am most happy to write that Joseph and Micah did not attempt to catch more of the prairie dogs. This is due to the fact that Sam Teague and Benjamin assured that the boys stayed very busy during these past days. Our good weather became most warm yesterday and we are pleased that it is pleasant again today.

Certain things, however, did not please Benjamin today. Fortunately, none of these displeasing things included the boys. Adam, as always, listens to his father and obeys. Erik and Joseph are faster at obeying. They also have learned to say, "Yes, Pa" so as to prevent a frown from their father. This way of Benjamin’s of insisting our sons comply with his directions came to explain itself today when we stood at the South Platte River.

There are many French words and names as we travel. I am not sure if this time the word should mean flat or calm. Neither one is a very good description of this river. Or perhaps it is more frightening to look at when it moves with more current and more water. This river looked most formidable to me but I said nothing of this to Benjamin.

My husband has little patience with the ones who are afraid of the water. All our sons must swim from the time they are young. Their father insists that they must respect the water but they must not fear it because fear is an enemy. This river is wide. Benjamin studied it and spoke with Mr. Billings. Usually Mr. Billings is our guide but at this crossing Benjamin became so. Mr. Billings said he must defer to Benjamin’s experience with the sea and Benjamin nodded.

The first thing my husband did was to tell everyone that the water is not so deep. Few believed him. He rode his horse into the river and proved that it is easily crossed as it is perhaps two feet or a little more deep. When he returned to our side of the river he told Adam and Erik and Joseph and Jeffrey what they must do and in very little time our wagons were on the opposite side of the river. The others took courage from this and followed. Then Adam and John and a few other men made the cattle cross.

After the work, Benjamin allowed the boys to wade in the water near the bank but they were not to go far. They walked away to a place where they would not be seen. When it was time for the chores before dinner, Benjamin was helping Sam Teague with a broken axletree. I needed the boys so I walked to where I saw them go. It was good that Benjamin did not find them because they had not listened to his instructions. They stood in the middle of the shallow river, their hair soaked, and they splashed one another. Adam and Erik had something which they passed back and forth above Joseph’s head causing him to jump in attempts to reach it. The luck was with them that I observed all this from their backs because the three of them had shed all their clothing on the riverbank and were as bare as a newborn babe. I quickly returned to a place far enough away and called for them. Adam yelled for me not to come any closer and then said there was a bear and he did not wish for me to be hurt. I could not resist adding a little to their agony and I shouted that I would help them with this most horrible bear. At that, Erik and Joseph screamed, "No, Ma!" and Adam added that they had scared off the bear and would be at camp "tout de suite." I laughed into my hand because Adam must be most agitated to speak the French. I called back that I was most happy to hear they were no longer in danger from the bear. I thought it unnecessarily mean to draw to their attention that there are no bears. Wolves, yes. But not the bears. None that Benjamin has told me about.

Saturday, June 13 - I was most amused, as were the others, at the name of this newly built, small, rough building we saw today. It is the Ash Grove Hotel and it is in no way accommodating.

In this area Mr. Billings calls Ash Hollow there are currants and bitter things that Rebecca Teague tells me are choke-cherries. No doubt they are called this because their taste is most strong. It causes one to purse the lips and cough. Rebecca assures me that when one adds enough sugar to them they make good jelly. I think I will not waste the sugar or the time.

Many people pass here to go to California and Oregon. And some people pass this Ash Hollow on their return to Missouri and other places east. Because of these crossing paths, many write letters and leave them and hope those who go in the direction of the letter will see that the letter is delivered.

I find the ruins of a much older building as I look for the currants. The vines and the grasses grow around and inside it. One can discern the remains of the walls and know this place was not large. What has become of the roof is unknown. I step from behind a nearby tree and there is Adam. I watch my son stare at the building for a long time. He looks but he does not see. He steps toward what would be the doorway and I follow him to ask him to help me with the water barrel. But I knew I must not speak because he stops in the open doorway and I think he does not breathe. Again he stares, this time inside the small building, and he turns around. When he rests his eyes on my face, they are the eyes full of hurt and confusion. He puts his hand across his face, steps past me, and I do not see him again until dinner.

I look for Benjamin since I must not bother Adam. I find my husband and he, too, almost does not breathe. His eyes are on the land and the trail we follow. I stand so I see him from the side but I do not walk closer. His shoulders shake and he raises his hands to his face. When I put aside my dismay I know that he weeps. But I do not know why and I do not know what I should do.

Tonight Benjamin and Adam sit at the campfire for dinner but neither one eats. They sit even more close together than usual and look only at the fire. Father and son still sit this way, on occasion drinking the coffee, as I finish my writing.

What is this thing that cuts their hearts so?

Sunday, June 14 - Benjamin and Adam were most anxious to be on the trail again. Even the hot weather did not bother them as it bothered us. Mr. Billings announced we should camp early in the day so the animals might rest and this produced great consternation in my husband and eldest son.

Erik and Joseph notice this change in their father and brother and now they ask me what has happened but I must tell them I do not know. This is most distressing to Erik who must have all the family at peace. Joseph and he stay very close and watch with worry. Neither one seeks the company of friends. They speak softly to each other and there is none of the silliness and fussing between them.

Tonight Adam laid atop his bedroll early. He did not pull the bedroll around him even though the nights grow cooler as the days grow warmer. Adam screamed out in his sleep. He thrashed about so that I was afraid for him. He did all this very quickly because Benjamin was beside him before I made to move. Benjamin very gently placed his hand against Adam’s cheek and repeated Adam’s name quietly. Adam’s eyes flew open but they were a dreamer’s eyes and he screamed out again. Mr. Billings and Zeke Teague ran to our camp with their rifles in hand but they backed away when Benjamin shook his head at them and we soon had our privacy restored. Joseph was so frightened by Adam’s cries that he sought the protection of Erik’s arms.

At long last, Benjamin managed to bring Adam out of this most terrible dream. Adam sat up and put his arms around his father and cried as I have never seen. Benjamin remained on his knees and rocked Adam back and forth, holding him close but not trying to quiet him. Erik and Joseph cried but, like me, did not understand. Adam no longer cried but was very tired. Benjamin lowered him to the bedroll with great care and when he made to leave, Adam rolled on his side and grabbed his father’s hand. Benjamin sat beside where Adam lay and he did not remove his hand from Adam’s until Adam slept deeply. Benjamin walked to me as I comforted Erik and Joseph. He kissed the top of Erik’s head and then bent to kiss Joseph’s cheek. Although he offered no words, his kisses eased our sons’ feelings and they were soon asleep.

Benjamin does not sleep again tonight. He sits by the fire but he is not in this world with us.

Monday, June 15 - Adam is very quiet today. Joseph prods at him and teases and Adam smiles but it is with indulgence and not with amusement. Erik watches his older brother from the sides of his eyes and frowns. It is this way with the boys. They fu