The Pain of Loneliness

Written by Rose Schrock Copyright 2002

Rated PG: Mild violence, a death scene

Warning! This is an incredibly sad story. (Sob, sob!)

Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction story based upon the PAX TV original series Ponderosa. None of the characters, with the exception of Rose Martin, belong to the author. This story is written only for the enjoyment of Ponderosa fans everywhere.

"A man is lonely because he chooses to build a wall instead of a bridge."

Joseph Fort Newton

Fierce, hot pain tore into Carlos as he watched the two silhouettes embrace passionately while the evening sun faded into the night. Again he had followed Adam and his sister Isabella, keeping at a safe distance but where he was still close enough to keep a sharp eye on them. It was not that Carlos did not trust Adam Cartwright; anyone who knew Adam at all could see that he was a man of honor. It was the Mexican’s own sense of loneliness that forced him to spy on the happiness of others.

"I love you, Adam." Isabella’s soft voice drifted across the space between the lovers and Carlos. Adam responded by wrapping his arms around her and planting a gentle kiss on her silky cheek.

Another stab of pain struck Carlos with more strength than a blow from a fist. He turned his back on the couple and walked into the darkness, unable to stand seeing any more of their affections. Now that he was alone, Carlos’ Mexican pride crumbled and he allowed one, bitter tear to travel down his face.

"She will marry him." Carlos’ voice was flat and lacked any emotion. A deep feeling of dread left the man numb and cold.

"Yes," He repeated to himself. "She will marry him and then she will have many children. And again I will be left alone."

Carlos looked up at the stars, looking for an answer to his life, perhaps even from God himself.

"Is this all there will be for me? To live with a family who were kind enough to take me in? To watch my father’s rancho owned by two women? To see my father’s dream disappear forever?"

A moment passed but the Mexican found no answer, only an eternity of stars that he could never reach.

"How can fate be so cruel?"

Rose Martin found herself doing something she had never dreamed she would do: set foot inside of a saloon. Her mother had warned her many times of entering into a "place of sin" but she was getting desperate for some help. At twenty years old Rose was not a beautiful woman, but her lively emerald eyes and hair the color of sunshine made every man want to look at her when she passed by. Until now, however, young Rose had never been interested in returning any man’s adoring glances.

Walking through the doors of the saloon, Rose shrank back at the strong odors of liquor and the sight of so many rough men. Collecting herself, the girl walked over to Shelby who was enjoying a drink of her own. Shelby looked Rose up and down, smirking at the proper lady.

"Now don’t you tell me that you came for a drink." Shelby drained the last drop of liquor from her glass and pushed it away. "Cuz you ain’t getting none in here, Girl."

"Oh no," Rose assured Shelby quickly, looking around in embarrassment. "I just wandered if I could talk to you for a moment." She lowered her voice. "In private."

Shelby opened her mouth to tell the kid to get lost, but the intensity of Rose’s plea in those eyes stopped her short.

"Alright, Girl, let’s go talk." Shelby pulled Rose over to a quiet corner in the back of the saloon. "But this had better be pretty dang important."

Rose dropped her gaze modestly, a blush turning her cheeks a bright pink.

"I want to know about Carlos."

"Carlos?" What the heck are you talking about, Girl?" Shelby’s confusion made Rose’s face grow even hotter.

"I admire him and would like to see more of him, but I know very little about him. Does he have a wife or a family? You seem to know everything about the people around here."

Rose’s compliment won Shelby completely over.

"Well, I guess I do get around and hear things at that." Shelby boasted but grew serious as she studied the younger woman.

"You really like Carlos don’t you?" Sympathy softened Shelby’s tone.

"Yes, yes I do." The woman’s kindness helped Rose to open up and express how she felt. "He seems so…perfect."

"Now you listen here, Missy," Shelby leaned in closer to Rose, "Carlos is not the kind of man that you need. Now don’t get me wrong; he’s just about the nicest Mexican I ever met, but he’s not for you, Honey. He’s lost everything close to him and it’s made him hard." Shelby’s voice faltered. "I know the feelin’ myself."

"And because of that I should not like him?"

"It’s more than just that, Girl. I know that he seems so handsome and dashing to a young lady, but inside all of those good looks is a loner. Carlos loves his sister, but he’s been hurt too bad by us white folks to really get close to any of us."

Shelby stood up from the chair and patted Rose on the shoulder.

"I can tell that you come from a real Christian family. Now you just go back to where you came from and forget about him, Honey. I’d hate to see you get hurt for no reason. Lord knows I’ve done enough hurtin’ of my own." Her thoughts ran to Frenchy and the love she could never return. "Once you get hurt by life you never really get over it. I guess that’s just the way it is. You just let girls like Myra over there give him what he needs. He can’t hurt them because they don’t feel nothin’."

Shelby saw the hurt on Rose’s face.

"Don’t hold it against him cause it’s not his fault, Honey. He just don’t know how to love no more." Shelby sighed and tipped her hat back on her head. "People like us you’ll never understand."

Carlos drove his fist into the side of a nearby tree, wincing at the pain caused by his foolish act of rage.

"I do not even know why I am so upset." He muttered to himself. "I should be used to being treated like a dirty beggar from that Señora Greene. She has always despised me."

Associating with the widow, Margaret Greene for all of three weeks had been sufficient time for the two to create a healthy dislike for each other. Both could be hard and held a stubborn pride for the land Maggie now owned.

"Every time that I go to that ranch I leave furious from the rude treatment I am given." Carlos spat into the ground as he walked through the wooded forest of the Greene Ranch. "They have my beautiful sister working like a servant! But I will not tolerate their behavior forever."

"Senior Rivera?" A timid, feminine voice almost whispered.

Carlos turned around to face a sweet- faced young girl of about twenty. He recognized her as Rose Martin, a newcomer to Eagle Station. He had seen her many times watching him, but had dismissed it as her curiosity in him because he was a foreigner. The same way every new person gawked at him like he was an interesting animal…

"What is it that you want, Señorita Martin? Are you looking for the Greene ranch house?"

Ignoring Carlos’ short questions, Rose walked closer to the Mexican, smiling her pretty smile.

"Please call me Rose," her shaking voice steadied as her light eyes rose to meet his deep brown depths. "I came to see you, Carlos." She spoke his name full of reverence.

"To see me? Why?" Carlos frowned as he tried to think of a good reason why such a woman would want to even be seen with him.

"I am aware that it is not proper for the lady to come courting the man," Rose giggled, "But I was afraid that you would never come asking for me."

"Courting?" Carlos processed the English word a moment before understanding the meaning. Then his confusion transformed into hostility.

"I do not wish to court you or anyone else, Señorita Martin. And if I did ever choose to find a womanly companion, it would be with a proper Mexican woman! Now please leave me alone. I have been bothered by enough gringo women today."

Carlos was unprepared by the stricken look of despair that Rose gave him at his rejection.

"You do not understand the courage that it took for a woman like me to be so brazen with a gentleman." Her voice was so soft that Carlos had to strain to hear her words. "You will always be alone, Carlos. Your bitterness will destroy you." Longing accented each word as her eyes examined each inch of his body. "I am sorry that I made you angry. I will never bother you again."

Rose took Carlos’ face in her hands and planted a gentle kiss on his lips before turning to walk away.

From behind a tree, Adam watched the scene and saw Carlos place his hand over his lips, still wet from Rose’s kiss.

"Is there something that you would like to talk about, Carlos?" Ben came behind of the man, who was leaning against the barn door, watching yet another sunset.

Carlos could see from the look on Ben’s face that the man knew all about Rose Martin.

"And how is it that you always know of everything, Ben?"

"A little bird told me." Ben grinned at his own joke before growing serious. "Rose Martin is a wonderful girl, Carlos. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so rough on her. She’s lost a lot this past year."

"And I have lost nothing?"

"It’s true that you’ve lost much, Carlos. But she is all alone with no one while you still have your sister. She’s had her eye on you every since she came to town. You could have at least let her down easy."

"Ben," Carlos’ spoke his name like a hidden plea for help. "I hurt too much to love again. Others have hurt me and the only love of my life deserted me for another. I have always been alone."

"You might not believe me, Carlos, but I felt the same way once." Ben smiled at distant memories. "After Hoss’ mother died I never wanted to feel anything for the rest of my life. But if I wouldn’t have changed my mind I would have never met Little Joe’s mother."

Carlos was silent for a moment.

"I will go and find her Ben. I will find her and apologize."

"Good, Carlos. Good."

When Ben found Carlos hours later the man looked more like Little Joe than the grown up rancher. Tears ran freely down his face and turned the paper he was holding to a smudged up mess.

"She has gone, Ben." He held up the paper. "She left only this letter."

Ben carefully took the letter and read it over slowly.

Dear Carlos,

I am leaving to go back east tonight. I cannot continue to live in Eagle Station and face your rejection day after day. I want you to know that I wanted to be with you because I felt that we had something in common. We have both lost so much. But, I cannot force you to care for me and now I must build a life for myself. Rest assured that I will never forget you and will remember you always in my prayers.

Love Forever,

Rose

Ben tried to think of a word to comfort Carlos and soothe his aching conscience but nothing came over his lips but the grim truth.

"Sometimes it’s too late, Son. Sometimes it’s too late to heal."

Many days later…

The fight was intense as Carlos wrestled with his good friend from childhood Manuel. Manuel and some other unhappy Mexicans had raided Margaret Greene’s ranch. After Carlos had refused to join them, they had captured his friends Hoss and Tess and a careless Mexican had shot his beloved sister. Now Carlos was fighting for his honor and for the safety of his amigos. A single shot rang out and Carlos froze for a moment in space before falling over dead from the fatal wound. What he saw in that brief moment was a wasted life. A young man who would die by himself without even his sister to hold him. A picture not of Isabella but of Rose Martin flashed before his eyes. He could see her smiling, the wind tossing her golden curls as she played with her children. Their children. The children they would never have and a love that could never be.

"Rosita!" His heart cried the moment before it stopped beating forever.

Ben stood over the grave and said a few tender words before moving on like the rest. He had pulled out the letter that Carlos carried always in his pocket before the body had been buried. The crumpled, faded letter that had never left Carlos’ body since that day. Ben sighed sadly and folded the paper, placing it in his own coat pocket before looking at the grave one last time.

"Rest well, my son."

Ben patted the precious note and walked away. He had a letter of his own to write.

From her plush home in Boston, Rose Martin studied the letter sent by a Ben Cartwright living in Nevada Territory. Her heart raced as she read the first line.

Dear Miss Martin,

Let me tell you a little about your Carlos.

She closed her eyes.

He loved you very much.

A tear wet the paper.

His memory will live on in you.

She felt his arms around her. And she knew.

He was gone.